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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to go to a wedding without my 2 yr old

127 replies

tizzi82 · 07/03/2012 22:32

PLs help. I feel totally gutted. I've recently received a wedding invite for a friend that is getting married the other end of the country. We lived together at uni and despite distance meet up as much as possible. I love her dearly and have been so excited to see her marry her long term partner. However, I was shocked to find my 2yr old son was not invited to the wedding.

My husband has left so we have been on our own for a while and as a result are very close and he is not easily left with anyone let alone for me to have two nights away without him.

To add insult to injury my invite says 'plus one guest'. Although the issue of children has been specifically addressed on the invite so my plus one can't be him. I find it rather upsetting that i could bring any 'old Joe' to my friends wedding but not my own son especially with him being so young. I also know that there will be other children at the wedding because they have a nephew the same age as my son. So it doesn't really make sense that the venue is unsuitable or even that money is an issue if they're happy to pay for a guest.

We don't have much money, but I was willing to make the trip our summer holiday. Now Im questioning whether to even go. Really need some good advice pls!!
Thanks

OP posts:
Lostprincess5 · 08/03/2012 21:28

This may get lost in the tide but we decided against children at our wedding, despite having a 3 month old. We limited it to those with newborns, as we wanted a party in the evening and parents of babies have to leave at 7 or 8 o'clock or you have mental tired kids running around.

Some people hated it, my only uncle on dads side could not come, but I do not regret it in the least. Had we invited kids the whole thing would have been totally different, the ceremony, the speeches, the drunken dancing. If it were half a dozen kids (immediate family) then that's sweet, but the age we are we are talking 30-40 children. I love my son, my friends kids, but for one day, we wanted it to be about us and not a play group.

My sister is getting married in Italy. My son is not invited, even though he is the only child in the family. As my entire family are going it is a case of all of us, or none of us, so I am taking him to Italy, and if she definitely does not want him on the day then my husband won't go to the wedding. End of. She is being unreasonable, as she is insisting all my babysitters go as well. Only possible option would be a six hour round trip before we left for the airport to leave him with oh parents. She is my little sis and I love her dearly but I'd rather miss the wedding.

You can't blame your friend, I'm sure she'll be gutted if you can't go, but they would have known it was a possibility when they made the rule, and decided to anyway. I would have loved to have had my uncle and cousin at my wedding, and my god son, but I could not invite them and say no to other toddlers.

Weddings are funny things, try and go to her hen party and wish them well.

X

Gumby · 08/03/2012 21:36

Did op ever come back?

Gumby · 08/03/2012 21:38

oh first post, guess that answers my post

What is the point ? Just another bun fight

Original poster
tizzi82 · 08/03/2012 22:04

Hi everyone , just wanted to say thank you for all the advice, the good the bad and the ugly! I value your honesty. I'm going to have a think over the weekend and try not to make a rash decision.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 08/03/2012 22:16

Just politely decline, problem solved!

purplepansy · 08/03/2012 22:20

YABU. It's their wedding and if they don't want kids there then that is up to them. Find someone to look after your DC and go and enjoy yourself.

Nesty · 08/03/2012 23:10

I had the same predicament I don't have any family I could ask 1 bachelor brother and a reclusive father. And my husbands live 200 miles away so the children don't really know them very well.
But we decided to ask their aunt to look after them and amazingly it went swimmingly children had a lovely time getting to know their aunt and we were totally indebted.We felt we couldn't ask people as it would be taking the mickey but quite often people are willing to help.
Especially as you are on your own.But if not ask the bride explain your circumstances tell her you will take little un out if he misbehaves during service.(Lots of people don't).Say you fully understand if it's non negotiable.I personally made exceptions based on circumstances just because I wanted friends there many of my friends are like family to me.

stella1w · 08/03/2012 23:24

she can have her wedding as she likes and you can politely decline, saying why..

my sister specifically did not invite my daughter to her wedding.. so I didn't go.. my dd is very well-behaved and I would have sat at the back and made a discreet exit if she started making any noise (she was just three at the time). But apparently, no kids at all were welcome.

I understand why people bar kids due to numbers/people not controlling their kids..

wheremommagone · 09/03/2012 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 09/03/2012 08:35

I get u op, only in Britain is it 'normal' to exclude children from a celebration, wierd but it's her wedding and her choice and your choice not to go.

PolkaDottedShoes · 09/03/2012 09:15

I have had to decline wedding invitations due to having baby twins. Yes, it is up the the couple getting married who they have at their wedding, but they must understand that not allowing children will mean some people can't or simply do not want to attend. The problem often lies in the bride/groom not understanding this often not having children themselves

It's perfectly ok for you not to want to leave your son. If she's a good friend hopefully she will understand. Although, one of my friend's did actually offer to reconsider their childfree rule as I wouldn't have been able to arrange childcare.

LydiaWickham · 09/03/2012 09:16

OP - could your exH not have his son for the weekend?

Kayzr · 09/03/2012 09:23

I would never have a wedding without inviting family and friends children but I fully understand that some people don't want children there.

But the bride and groom should also understand that some people won't be able to go to the wedding. I had to turn down a wedding recently as DP was away, XH couldn't have the boys and my Mum was on holiday.

I apologised, still got them a card and present but she hasn't spoken to me or a few others that couldn't go due to not getting babysitters since the wedding in January.

Thumbwitch · 09/03/2012 10:51

See, that's just silly (Kayzr and others with the same situation) - if you're going to insist on a child-free wedding, then you have to expect that some people aren't going to be able to make it, and not be a bitch about it afterwards. I had no children at my wedding, but I told 2 friends with BF babies that they should bring them as otherwise they wouldn't have been able to come; and everyone else was fine with this. My sister did bring her DDs along in the evening but that was fine too - other people could have done that but most of them didn't want to, or had left the DC too far away to fetch them.

I didn't blame anyone at all for not coming when their DC weren't invited - we are all still friends now - it's my fault they couldn't come, so why bitch about it?

fallenpetal · 09/03/2012 11:02

I dont think there is anything wrong in child free weddings, its their wedding = their choice. Everyone else should just respect their wishes on their very expensive and personal day.
I know the OP is saddened as I would be in the same situation but its only a wedding, they are so over hyped. Make the summer holiday for when they come back from honeymoon or some other time and look at the photo's and have the kind of break you really want.

stella1w · 10/03/2012 00:08

For all those who are saying, why not leave the children at home, the reason is that often weddings are quite a distance and take up most of the day, not including travelling there and back, so it's not as easy as hiring a babysitter for a few hours.

ravenAK · 10/03/2012 00:47

You just ring her & say 'I'd love to come, but I honestly don't have anyone who could have ds'.

It is v peculiar. Friend of dh's married last summer. I know him quite well, the bride not at all. No kids wedding, other end of country; dh replied saying he'd attend on his own.

Was quite surprised that groom then made a grumpy comment via FB chat to me that he thought it a shame I 'couldn't be bothered' to arrange babysitting & attend.

We had 3 under 6s, including a bf baby, at the time...

Ephiny · 10/03/2012 08:00

Just don't go then, if you don't want to go without the child.

I don't want kids at my wedding either (though to be fair our friends with children live locally so no one is faced with the situation of leaving them overnight). It's their choice who to invite to their own wedding.

madaboutmadmen · 10/03/2012 08:03

If it was me and I was that worried, I wouldn't go. Tbh I'm not a fan of weddings full stop so if really makes things difficult for you to go, say you can't and tell them why.

SoupDragon · 10/03/2012 08:10

So don't go then. Easy.

TattyPole · 10/03/2012 08:23

I'm utterly perplexed at 'no children allowed ' weddings. Many parents may not want to bring their little children for the reason stated above (long day, tiredness, possibility of meltdown ) but let them make this decision for themselves. Weddings are family and friend celebrations of a newly married couple and should have the whole family included. IMO.
I'm actually suprised people are going to weddings when their children are not allowed.
I guess its a part of culture of boarding schools, stiff upper lip and so on.

exoticfruits · 10/03/2012 08:35

I don't think it has anything to do with boarding school, stiff upper lip etc. It is more to do with people having planned the 'perfect' occasion and DCs are unpredictable. They don't have any themselves and think that a babysitter for a young DC for a whole day or longer is easy.
They are free to choose-you are free to decline.

Ephiny · 10/03/2012 10:08

For us it's just because we think it'll be a more enjoyable and less stressful day without other people's kids running around screaming - also the venue isn't particularly child-friendly, and anyway I imagine most kids would be quite bored watching a ceremony then having to sit through a 3-course meal.

Nothing to do with boarding school, which is not something I (or DP) have any experience of!

I would have no problem if someone decided not to come because of this though, and wouldn't dream of complaining. Though all our friends with kids live locally, and it's just a lunchtime/afternoon event, so no one will have to leave their child overnight or for more than a few hours, and they all seem happy with it.

Ephiny · 10/03/2012 10:26

Basically I think that (apart from the legal contract) a wedding can be about whatever the couple want it to be. If they want it to be all about bringing families together, and a big get-together inclusive of children etc, then that's perfectly fine. If they prefer to celebrate with a nice lunch/dinner out with their friends and some adult relatives, then that's their choice. And indeed our choice :)

No one is forced to attend if the type of event doesn't appeal to them. Why would you be 'perplexed' by the fact that different people sometimes choose different ways of celebrating their own life events?

jamdonut · 10/03/2012 10:34

You obviously want to go to the wedding,otherwise there would be no dilemma. Would it really hurt to be without your child for 2 nights? I can understand how you feel, and I think that no children weddings are a bit weird ( you have to wonder what the couple will do when/if they have children and the situation arises for them),but sometimes you have to put yourself first. If you really can't forsee being able to leave your child, then you have to say no you can't go,and don't look back with any regret.