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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to go to a wedding without my 2 yr old

127 replies

tizzi82 · 07/03/2012 22:32

PLs help. I feel totally gutted. I've recently received a wedding invite for a friend that is getting married the other end of the country. We lived together at uni and despite distance meet up as much as possible. I love her dearly and have been so excited to see her marry her long term partner. However, I was shocked to find my 2yr old son was not invited to the wedding.

My husband has left so we have been on our own for a while and as a result are very close and he is not easily left with anyone let alone for me to have two nights away without him.

To add insult to injury my invite says 'plus one guest'. Although the issue of children has been specifically addressed on the invite so my plus one can't be him. I find it rather upsetting that i could bring any 'old Joe' to my friends wedding but not my own son especially with him being so young. I also know that there will be other children at the wedding because they have a nephew the same age as my son. So it doesn't really make sense that the venue is unsuitable or even that money is an issue if they're happy to pay for a guest.

We don't have much money, but I was willing to make the trip our summer holiday. Now Im questioning whether to even go. Really need some good advice pls!!
Thanks

OP posts:

lucertola28 · 08/03/2012 02:25

Well her nephew is going because he is her nephew and related, different having one or two nephews or nieces then your friends kids. If she was to ok your ds going then she may be thinking her other friends with kids who weren't invited.

It is her wedding so up to her, I imagine she put a plus one so you would not have to go alone if many others in couples, which was nice and considerate of her.

If you are making it a bit of a summer hol, can your mum, a friend, cousin, sister etc join you for the few days and babysit your ds that night in the hotel, that way you can go back to him during wedding.

Weddings can be a very long day for a 2 year old if you brought him and noone else to mind him, you might not get much time with the bride and other guests etc as you'll be busy minding your ds.

sunnydelight · 08/03/2012 02:47

YAB totally U to be shocked that someone doesn't want an unrelated 2 year old at their wedding. 2yos are gorgeous, cute and funny. They are also totally unpredictable, don't generally handle excitement, tiredness and disrupted routines very well and are quite prone to having loud meltdowns over nothing in particular. A long day far from home surrounded by adults with no real interest in him is unlikely to bring out the best in your child and it's really not much fun for him. Decline the invite, or sort childcare if you can and go without him. You will both survive.

KatOD · 08/03/2012 03:06

I just turned down a wedding invitation from a uni friend a few hours ago as kids aren't invited and I don't feel comfortable leaving my 4mo with a random childminder for the day (as was suggested by friend who was genuinely trying to help with alternatives). I completely understand why my friend and her DP have decided not to have children there, it is their day after all. It's a shame we'll miss it but i've suggested a separate catch up over a few glasses of wine to go through photos after the event instead to show that I still want to be a part of the day somehow. Could you suggest something similar to maintain good will?

recyclednotebook · 08/03/2012 04:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jubilee10 · 08/03/2012 05:33

yANBU, we don't go to weddings that the children are not invited to.

PorridgeBrain · 08/03/2012 05:34

'If anyone invited me to a wedding without them, I wouldn't go. We are a package'. . Does that mean if someone invited you on a night out Recycled, without dc you wouldn't go either? Surely you are still an individual too once you have children and can do things without dc occasionally?

I do appreciate its difficult having to make arrangements for children and the difficulty varies per individual (ie location, age of children, whether you have family who can help). But equally I do think that this is the one day where as the bride and groom spending a lot of money on a day that want to be perfect, they are allowed to be a bit selfish and think about what works best for them and their wedding as long as they can accept that certain people may have to say no because of it.

Personally, I have been to enough weddings where young children have spoilt the service with a tantrum, or the speeches etc and understand why people don't have children at weddings. Not everyone is responsible enough to take children out even if you pask them to beforehand.

PolkaDotsAndPumpkin · 08/03/2012 05:38

I am confused as to how 'no children at the wedding please' equates to showing off how much money you have, and having a fussy wedding. There are some big gaps in the logic of some of these posts.
It is the couple's choice for heaven's sake.
It's not a demand for your attendance, nor is their request out of the realms of reasonableness.
I admit I don't have children, but I really don't understand why ONE day/night off from your child is such a far out thought.
I can see the OP's dilemma but if it were me, I would have encouraged my child to cope without me by at least occasionally leaving him with a trusted childminder. Surely this will help as he grows by enabling him to be more independent? Going to preschool or school is going to be quite a scary experience for him when suddenly he has to cope without Mum.

Aftereightsaremine · 08/03/2012 06:19

Yabu. I didn't have children at my wedding apart from nieces & nephews because it would have meant that I couldn't invite more adults. I'm Greek & very few weddings (in the UK) have children apart from immediate family & BM & page boys. Very few people get offended & if they do they are regarded as odd. I don't know what happens in Greece or Cyprus though.

samandi · 08/03/2012 06:24

Ok? So don't go - problem solved.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 08/03/2012 08:10

YANBU to be disappointed, but YWBU to give the bride a hard time for it.

We've found the guest list to be the hardest part of the wedding. Our maximum capacity is 120 in the day and 150 in the evening - if we'd invited extended family children there would have been hardly any space for friends. We're just having nephews and nieces.

It's not how I imagined my wedding; I'd love to have had all the family and friends' children. I agree with the PP who said that children are people too! However, a lot of them are people I don't know very well, who would be unlikely to enjoy the day very much, and we've chosen to invite friends instead. We've come upon the problem that we can't justify making an exception for a close friend who can only leave her son with her DH without making the same exception for 2 cousins in the same boat, with more children. Friend and cousins will either come alone or not at all. I hope they can come, but understand that they might not.

To change the venue to one big enough for everyone would increase the cost beyond what we can afford. Hiring a hall locally and having a buffet would reduce the capacity, not increase it, and travelling further for a bigger hall/marquee site would mean elderly relatives including DP's Nan, who he's very close to, wouldn't make it.

There's a lot to think about, and no bride can suit everyone. It's not personal.

bronze · 08/03/2012 08:17

Gosh I wish I had that many friends

Flowerface · 08/03/2012 08:20

It's not the same as a night out, though, is it Porridge? Unless you generally drive to the other end of the country for a night out...

porcamiseria · 08/03/2012 08:22

just decline, really. Life is too short and your chld comes first. If you wanted to go, great. but you dont want to leave child and its just not worth the hassle as I cant see them budging

Maybe decline and say "Id love to come but all possible babysitters are away that weekend, have checked with everyone" so sorry

then the door is open for them to accept him

porcamiseria · 08/03/2012 08:23

I bet you would very, very rarely see a wedding in Spain, Greece or Italy where the kids where excluded.
TOO FUYCKING TRUE

Thumbwitch · 08/03/2012 08:29

If she's that good a friend, just phone and explain you're really sorry, you can't go because you have no one to leave your DS with, and you have no one else to bring as a plus one anyway.
Leave it at that.

Floggingmolly · 08/03/2012 08:41

So don't go

Jelly15 · 08/03/2012 08:44

When I got married the only children invited were my husbands DNs and they were part of the bridal party. The only children I wanted were DH and my sibling's children. My cousin (father's side)and her DH turned up with their six month old, who was no trouble, but another cousin (mother's side) was very upset. She thought I had invited the baby and left her DC out. The upshot was that I was aware of the bad feeling on my special day all because of the selfish behaviour of one set of parents.

LydiaWickham · 08/03/2012 08:49

Don't go, you can't do it. However you say your DH has left, would he want to have his DS for the weekend? It's not like leaving your DS with a stranger then.

The other option is to ask the bride if she can recommend a local nanny for the day who could look after your DS when you're at the wedding (even better if the wedding is in a hotel, then you can slip away at hte drinks reception to see him and go up to settle him to sleep after the meal/before the evening do). You might find there are other parents in the same situation who would like to split the cost.

PorridgeBrain · 08/03/2012 10:09

@flowerface - no its not and that's exactly what I went on to say that certain circumstances make things more difficult such as location.

I was challenging Recycled's point that her and dc come as a package - there are plenty of scenarios where an invite doesn't extend to the whole family such as a night out with the girls.

tofuscramble · 08/03/2012 10:18

YANBU and I think the bride has been quite insensitive and thoughtless in inviting you when she knows your situation. Ignore nasty people on here who will dump their kids on anyone at the slightest provocation, it sounds as if you have a lovely relationship with your ds and it's very understandable that you don't want to leave him.

bobbledunk · 08/03/2012 10:34

They don't want your two year old at THEIR wedding, they are entitled to have who they want at it. Get over yourself. Not everybody finds your kid as fascinating as you do, the badly behaved ones that ruin these occasions are the reason why most people ban them anyway.

I once got stuck at a table with some idiot who brought their uninvited toddler with them and the meal was torture, maybe they want their guests to actually enjoy themselves?

If you can't remove yourself from your childs presence for a few hours then feel free to take him somewhere where he is wanted. Seriously no normal adult is going to want to be around a parent who needs to have a toddler permanently attached, find a mommies group where you can all sit around staring at your little darlings and having constantly interrupted, intensely boring conversations about them.

It's unfair to force him on the bride and groom and whoever you will be sitting with at the meal.

Your obviously incapable of enjoying the adult atmosphere they want to cultivate, so refuse the invitation.

bronze · 08/03/2012 10:41

Gosh that was harsh
I thought the op put her point very well and was her stating she didnt see the logic. She wasn't demanding or hissy about it

painauchoc · 08/03/2012 10:42

Never understand when people who can't do a thing without their kids! If the bride had to have everyone's kids she probably couldn't have half of the adults she wanted. We had family children only and now I quite enthusiastically seize on the chance to go to weddings without mine, as much as I love them. So much more fun.

ragged · 08/03/2012 10:43

Kids were also very welcome at my wedding (including my own toddler :)).
Sorry OP, yanbu to feel so upset, it's pants, if there's no one you can leave your son with for that time then just beg off stating exactly why (unemotionally). She may make an exception for you after all.

I've not been to hardly any weddings since we had DC.

Proudnscary · 08/03/2012 10:45

Oh dear. Honestly, OP, people can invite who they want to their weddings and many people don't want children there for cost reasons and driving everyone bonkers reasons. We had no children at ours - and we had both our children by then!! (Yes ours did actually attend but no others).

If you are so upset, just make the decision not to go. Don't make a hoo ha about it just politely decline with a white lie or something.

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