I don't want to go to a wedding without my 2 yr old

[tizzi82]

PLs help. I feel totally gutted. I've recently received a wedding invite for a friend that is getting married the other end of the country. We lived together at uni and despite distance meet up as much as possible. I love her dearly and have been so excited to see her marry her long term partner. However, I was shocked to find my 2yr old son was not invited to the wedding.

My husband has left so we have been on our own for a while and as a result are very close and he is not easily left with anyone let alone for me to have two nights away without him.

To add insult to injury my invite says 'plus one guest'. Although the issue of children has been specifically addressed on the invite so my plus one can't be him. I find it rather upsetting that i could bring any 'old Joe' to my friends wedding but not my own son especially with him being so young. I also know that there will be other children at the wedding because they have a nephew the same age as my son. So it doesn't really make sense that the venue is unsuitable or even that money is an issue if they're happy to pay for a guest.

We don't have much money, but I was willing to make the trip our summer holiday. Now Im questioning whether to even go. Really need some good advice pls!!
Thanks

I understand how you feel Op but I also understand how the couple planning the wedding feel. It sounds as if it would be virtually impossible for you to attend without your son so I would politely decline. Added to the fact that you are very short of money it all sounds like way too much aggro!

bobbledunk, you sound utterly poisonous. OP, ignore. It's not you that needs to get over yourself.

Bobbledunk - it's not 'a few hours' though is it, if it was a local wedding, then it would be, as it's the other end of the country, it's overnight, unless OP takes the DS with her and then tries to find a local childminder, which will be doable if the bride can help out (and is probably the best option).

I dont get all this "me and my children come as a package" type notion? No we are all individual human beings with our own thoughts, feelings etc - and being a Mum just happens to be an extension of that - we are still ourselves.

And I speak as someone who has 3 boys and is very family orientated and rarely has a day or night out that doesnt invovle the youngest 2 (the eldest is 18 he does his own thing ). But if I was invited to a wedding I would relish the chance to go without the boys, I would enjoy it so much more.

As people have said its the brides choice, I had children at my wedding and it was fine, it really doesnt bother me but Im quite laid back. Loads of people didnt bring theirs mind you, like me probably wanted to get drunk

OP - I totally get where you are coming from. You are in a bit of a lose-lose situation which is unfortunate.

I have friends who have excluded children from weddings 'cos it would up the numbers (and therefore costs) massively but that logic is a bit negated in this particular case as you are allowed a plus one.

However, even if you explain nicely and even if your friend totally understands she will still probably not be able to change it as she would then have various other guests getting upset cos they couldn't bring their children but you could.

So a lot depends on how many other guests' children are being excluded and if she was even able to make an exception for you.

Even brides can be caught between what they want and what is practical it isn't necessarily her being precious about naughty children disrupting etc.

I was able to invite all children to our wedding, but that said, not many of our friends had any so the difference it made to catering etc was negligible - but everyones guest list profile and budget differs so it can be a complex decision - not just her being anti-children.

Your situation (long way to travel, low finances, close child etc) is probably unique amongst her guests so something a blanket rule, which this is, doesn't take into account.

I would have a nice pleasant chat to her about how you are thrilled for her, explain your position (you did it very well in OP) and then even if she can't alter it - and you can make it clear you understand if that is the case - at least she will know you didn't go out of pique, but because it just didn't stack up - sadly.

Or can you get creative? Do you have a mum who might fancy a little trip away who could go with you - you attend the wedding she entertains your ds - then you go back to your accommodation to meet up with them and you all get a little break away?

Could you go away from one night only? He might cope with your absence better than you think? Sometimes our dc's can surprise us?

good luck.

OP don't assume the bride's nephew will be there. I have young children (3 and 5) and neither are allowed to BIL's wedding this summer.

Having said that, I wouldn't go to your friend's wedding.

I don't understand why so many people assume their children will be invited to a wedding and get a shock when they're not included in the invite. Weddings can be very expensive, guest lists have to be heavily curtailed, and inviting all your friends' children is just not practical in many cases. It isn't always to do with bridezillas wanting 'Hello' style formal weddings. Some couples, for lots of reasons, either invite no children or nieces and nephews only. I don't see anything wrong with it. It's better than inviting certain friends' children and excluding others.

We only had family children at our wedding but when one of our friends asked to bring her DD due to childcare issues we were happy to accommodate her as a one off extra. OP, I would ask your friend nicely and explain that you probably won't be able to attend if your DS cannot go. But don't expect her to be as accommodating as we were with our friends. Everyone is different and everyone wants a wedding their own way.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has been covered off by the OP but I just wanted to say don't assume the nephew will be invited. People don't always make exceptions for family. My (then 15 month old) DD wasn't invited to my cousin's wedding even though we had to travel abroad to go to it (we are a small family so we are not talking one of a thousand cousins here). DH didn't go to the wedding and looked after her in the place we were staying.

As we also had no children at ours we were in no position to complain, although to be fair to us, there were no family children when we got married and friends all assured us they were happy to come without (now I have one I do wonder if they were just being nice, but they seemed genuine at the time).

As for the OP's problem, it is annoying and sad but I agree with those who say all you can do is decline and wish the couple well.

We only had nephew and nieces at our wedding.
I now have a 2 year old DS myself, and I still wouldn't invite children to my wedding if I could go back and do it again.
It's the couple's day. They are their priority, not you and your son. However much you are valued as a friend (and it's not about that) they've made a decision.
The options are; go or don't go.
I don't think it's harsh not to invite children, I think it's strange that you would expect your children to be invited anywhere, really (that's not specifically to the OP, it's just a general comment).

I should also say that, from my point of view, although I missed DD, it was nice to enjoy the day and be able to relax and not worry about how much noise she was making/what she would eat/stopping her running about etc etc.

I see that your circumstances are different, however. You never know though - if you explain your position to your friend, she might be able to make an exception as Timothy did.

Her wedding, she's entitled to have it with children or without.
Can't understand why some people get so upset over no children being invited to weddings - their wedding, their choice!
There might just not be enough room to accommodate children as well, it might be the extra expense, or shock horror they might just not want kids running about or screeching through the vows.
Entirely up to them. NOT you.
I've been to both types of weddings, and as much as I love my kids, I think I prefer the 'no kids' weddings - I can think 'whoohoo! Now I can relax properly without looking to see what little 'Tommy's' doing now/someone to constantly look after then get squiffy on wine and have grown up chat in peace
Solution is simple. If you don't like, then don't go. Seems stupid to miss out though if she's such an old friend.

YABU

Your son is more important to you than your friend, and rightly so, but you are saying that he is more important than your friend even on her wedding day. Which is fine. Your friend is saying that her and her DH-to-be, and what they want to do, are more important than your son on their wedding day. Also fine. Sounds like you can't go. A bit of a shame but please remember, this is not due to her decision about not inviting children, it is YOUR decision to make. We all have to make decisions we don't like but you just make your choice and get on with it.

Meant to add, you will never get a consensus on the issue of children at weddings. Some people are saying the bride is not allowing you to go because she is not accomodating your situation, some are saying you are choosing not to go because you won't leave him behind, but the general feeling seems to be don't go. Whether you then choose to hate her for it or accept that these were the circumstances and you chose to stay at home is up to you.

knowitall is right and sums it up well - the only solution to the stalemate is communication.
You are good friends, so talk to her and it is likely you will both be able to see each others point of view - even if neither of you are able to alter the situation.
Maybe one of you will even find a way to be flexible so the problem can be accommodated.
It nice to feel you have to choose but talking to her is the only way to avoid upset about it. :)

It isn't nice...

I bet you'll enjoy it more without your 2 year old. I was 4 months pregnant and had a 20 month old running round at my sister's wedding last year. I was gutted that I couldn't enjoy it properly and completely worn out by tea time.

Added to that, ds went to bed at 8, so dh and I spent the night do swapping babysitting shifts.

Besides, it's harder to pull with a toddler in tow.

A plus one is different to taking a child though. If you go with a plus one other people don't think anything of it, they have thier spouse/partner/own plus one. If you take a child though then there are other people thinking if she can bring hers then why can't I/we bring our child/ren, which can add considerably to the numbers.

My first thought on reading the thread title was 'surely she has got that wrong ?' because in all honesty , i really really wouldn't want to go to a wedding with a two year old . And i have one who also hasnt spent a night away from me yet. If i were you I would embrace this opportunity to have a little bit of time away by yourself . Your son will come to no real harm as a result of it .

I think of children as little people and the rest of us think of them as....?

I feel sorry for you OP. It's easy to leave your child if they are being cared for by loving grandparents, but not so easy if you have to rely on a CM or nanny that you don't know, in an unfamiliar environment, like a hotel. I wouldn't have done it.

It does make me laugh when people say the child needs to learn independence. I don't think a two year old needs to be away from their parents - there is plenty of time to learn independence.

I think all you can do is explain why you can't come. Family children are different. I would be very upset if my brother got married and didn't want my dc to be there simply because they are his family. So don't be offended if the nephew attends, but your ds cannot.

The Bride did exclude your son to offend you in any way you seem to have taken great offence the plus 1 is for an adult which the couple are entitled to do , I think you either go or you don't tell the bride why you can't go but dont sound offended ,

If it's not until the summer, your 2 yr old will do a fair bit of growing up between now and then. And you can try leaving him with grandparents or whatever between now and then to see how it works, working up to overnight.

That's if you want to go of course. As others have said, it is an invitation, not a summons.

I took my 2 year old to a wedding in jan.

Never ever again.