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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to go to a wedding without my 2 yr old

127 replies

tizzi82 · 07/03/2012 22:32

PLs help. I feel totally gutted. I've recently received a wedding invite for a friend that is getting married the other end of the country. We lived together at uni and despite distance meet up as much as possible. I love her dearly and have been so excited to see her marry her long term partner. However, I was shocked to find my 2yr old son was not invited to the wedding.

My husband has left so we have been on our own for a while and as a result are very close and he is not easily left with anyone let alone for me to have two nights away without him.

To add insult to injury my invite says 'plus one guest'. Although the issue of children has been specifically addressed on the invite so my plus one can't be him. I find it rather upsetting that i could bring any 'old Joe' to my friends wedding but not my own son especially with him being so young. I also know that there will be other children at the wedding because they have a nephew the same age as my son. So it doesn't really make sense that the venue is unsuitable or even that money is an issue if they're happy to pay for a guest.

We don't have much money, but I was willing to make the trip our summer holiday. Now Im questioning whether to even go. Really need some good advice pls!!
Thanks

OP posts:

bramblina · 07/03/2012 23:00

I think a few of you are being a bit harsh, here! OP did not suggest the world revolves arond her ds- she simply wants to see her freind get married and doesn't want to leave her ds, wants to be with him as he is the most important person in her life, and cannot decide what to do to be happy about it!
When my ds was 18m, dh and I received an invitation to dh's cousin'd wedding, without ds. I had not long finished bfing, my Mum is disabled, his parents were going, we couldn't go, but quite hurt, so didn't want to go. Turns out they had 8 kids there- 3 had turned up (apparently) because they had nowhere to go.
My cousin married last year and our kids were not invited, but they happily posted photos of 3 page boys- nice to only have kids for token perfect photos
I think of children as little people- they are as important to me as adults, in a sense. My kids are my world and it does offend me that people want to disclude them. So I totally sympathise. We had 10 kids at our wedding and they made it what it was. They are as important to me as their parents, the family on a whole is one unit, and those units we chose.
I do agree that you should phone her and explain your feelings, you just never know what she'll say.
HTH

BackforGood · 07/03/2012 23:00

Agree with Spuddy. You say she's already indicated that children aren't invited. It would just be rude to ask if yours can go. Just explain you don't feel able to leave him so sadly you won't be able to make it, but hope she has a lovely day and you look forward to catching up afterwards and seeing all the photos.

buttons99 · 07/03/2012 23:01

Could you not take some one close (another friend/relative) on your break with you and let them look after your son whilst you attend the wedding?

Lucy88 · 07/03/2012 23:02

Try and think of it as a lovely opportunity for you to see your old friend, have some adult time and a lovely weekend away. You could find that you have a fantastic weekend. Your little one will still be there when you get back.

I don't know your personal situation, but could this be an opportunity for your child to have som quality time with its Dad or Grandparents.

Mums need time out and some fun aswell.

VelmaDaphne · 07/03/2012 23:03

Buttons that's what I was going to suggest. Could you book a cottage for the weekend, and take a family member or good friend to look after your son on the day of the wedding, so you can go along. Then spend the rest of the weekend with your friend and son.

JoyceDivision · 07/03/2012 23:05

Igly as other posters have pointed out, if op takes her dc, other guests will be wanting to know why they can't bring their dc? Yes, op has circumstances, but the bride isn't going to spend her wedding day walking round to people saying 'Just to let you kow why Tizzi82 has brought her dc when I asked everyone else to not bring their dc...' and if peolpe catch n in advance that some can bring their dc, it's liketly they'll want to bring theirs...

It might not be cost, it might or might not be headcount, but the plus one is so op isn't goimng by herself, but not taking dc for the reason above..

We had an inexpensive wedding and maximum headcount was 120 fopr the venue, including evening invites.. we would have had nearly 30 chiuldren had we invited them, so that 's why we drew the line....

auntmargaret · 07/03/2012 23:06

I was a single parent with DD1. To me, it meant we were a package. If she wasnt welcome, I didn't go. Tbh, it was never a problem, everyone respected it. We went everywhere! But in your shoes, I wouldn't go without him. And all the people who say otherwise have probably never been in that situation with a 2 year old. It is hugely intense, and hugely exhilarating, to be the world to someone else, especially a child. Your joys are his, and vice versa. And I'm now married, with another child too, nice as it is, nothing compares to just me and her together. I wouldn't go without him and your friend shouldn't expect you to.

Spuddybean · 07/03/2012 23:08

bramblina but it's not about what you or the OP feels about your children, nor is it about what other peoples idea of weddings are. The OP wants what she can't have - to go to the wedding with her son. Sadly not an option. No point saying 'well my opinion of my children is this'. It's really got nothing to do with it.

The child is not invited and that has been made clear. Is it fair to call up and make your friend feel bad by saying no again? or guilt them into begrudgingly allowing the child?

Tmesis · 07/03/2012 23:16

Could you borrow an eight-year-old from somewhere, stand your two-year-old on his shoulders, button the two of them into an overcoat so they look like an average-sized man and introduce them as your date?

More reasonably, just tell her that you can't go but would like to meet up when she gets back from honeymoon. It's fine for you not to want to leave your DS but also fine for her not to want to have non-family children at her wedding.

TheSecondComing · 07/03/2012 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 07/03/2012 23:24

When mine were little, I knew someone like you AuntMargaret tried to bring her ds everywhere with her, even when he was clearly not invited - all it meant was she missed out on those occasional times the rest of us enjoyed when we chose to go out without our children for a rare night off. She hasn't got a medal, yet, as far as I'm aware.

RosieBooBoo · 07/03/2012 23:25

Do you honestly think a 2yr old will enjoy and not fuss or get tired and cranky at a wedding? They're quite boring not exactly catered for toddlers, espaecially if the bride and groom have specified no kids on the invite.
If you are able, it might be nice for yours dc to spend a couple of nights with exh or gp's?

bronze · 07/03/2012 23:27

I don't think you are being unreasonable in that it doesn't seem to have any logic in it at all.
But
it is their wedding and you have to respect their wishes so my advice would be to gracefully turn down their invite

btw I don't have your reasons but I couldn't leave my two year old either.

Kewcumber · 07/03/2012 23:28

Are you sure that the plus one doesn't mean your son? She may be giving you the option of bringing either an adult guest and having a child free evening or bringing your DS.

Just ring her and ask if she's such a good friend

As a single parent taking my 2 yr old DS to a wedding would have been my worst choice of a "holiday"

auntmargaret · 07/03/2012 23:30

Not asking for medals, but thanks for thought. That was how we did it. I had no one to leave her with, what would you suggest? My family and friends knew we came together or not at all. They chose us both. We liked that. Problem?

RachelWalsh · 07/03/2012 23:33

It's her wedding, if you don't want to go without your child and your child isn't invited then er... don't go?!

What would be unreasonable would be if you started trying to dictate who your friend should have at HER wedding.

RachelWalsh · 07/03/2012 23:34

Oh and I was a single parent for 4 years - I would have been quite happy to have a couple of days child free to catch up with pals.

MamaMimi · 07/03/2012 23:38

Yeah, just don't go.

If you can't take your ds I guess there isn't much choice anyway. If I were you I wouldn't be going anywhere without him.

We do everything as a family, and if my dcs aren't welcome somewhere then I don't really want to be there either.

Take the time and the money you would have spent on the wedding break and have a lovely time away with your ds instead.

Shame you won't see your friend get married but your ds is way more important to you, right?

GrahamTribe · 07/03/2012 23:39

OP seems to have disappeared. FWIW unless it's your wedding you don't get to call the shots. Accept the invitation as it is given or decline. There's no need for any further ado. But I guess that you knew that already, Op.

auntmargaret · 07/03/2012 23:41

Good for you, Rachel, I wasnt and I didn't. Don't need a medal though. Am guessing you were able to leave kids with family? That's great, but some of us aren't so lucky.

RachelWalsh · 07/03/2012 23:49

I was replying to the OP in regards to the hypothetical wedding situation auntmargaret, I don't think I need to explain who I was or wasn't able to leave anyone with thanks. Guess away though.

I also don't think it is typical (or necessarily healthy) for the relationship between a single parent and a child to be quite so codependent as in your case or the OPs.

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/03/2012 23:49

What's with all the Wedding AIBUs recently?
Is it the season for invites?

TheCraicDealer · 08/03/2012 00:05

My parents are going to a wedding in September- should I angle for an invite with the logic that I am their child and it's a lovely 'family occasion'? I am slightly older than two, but promise I will appreciate a slap up dinner and keep quiet during the talking bits

OP mentions that the couple have a nephew, but she doesn't say he's actually been invited. That could just be an assumption on her part. If I were her, I'd ring up the bride and tell her that I'm really sorry I wouldn't be attending due to childcare situation. Really lay it on thick. Then, if she is sympathetic she has the opportunity to amend the invite and allow her to bring DS as her '+1'. If the invite never comes, at least you'll have made it clear that you're disappointed you can't make it and the reasons why.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/03/2012 00:40

Please don't do what Thecraicdealer suggests. I don't want to come here tomorrow to be faced with

"My good friend says she's not coming to my wedding, unless her DS2 comes too. I have a DN, who is not cowing and my sis will be really offended if I let my DFs child come. If we invite my nephew, we will have to invite DP's 397 nephews. I really don't want any children at my wedding as they really creep me out. But I really want my friend there. AIBU to be really sad that she is emotionally blackmailing me and start a bunfight here to take my mind off it?"

Just say No OP.

TheCraicDealer · 08/03/2012 00:52

I didn't say "Give her an ultimatum", Dionne! I don't see how explaining the reasons why you couldn't attend over a phone call could be classed as emotional blackmail. My "Lay it on thick" was a joke....oh god, it's a confetti-covered pandora's box!

I'm sure there'll be a similar thread in the next few weeks though, so I'm not
too disappointed

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