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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you take your kids to the cafe, you shouldn't bring a packed lunch for them?

286 replies

AndiMac · 07/03/2012 13:02

I'm at the garden centre and there's a soft play area attached to the cafe bit. A mum with two kids about 4 is here with her friend. They have ordered lunch, but the kids are having food the mum brought from home. Not just a couple of breadsticks, but sandwiches, sides and a drink. The cafe has food for kids, so that isn't an excuse.

I can understand that going out for lunch is expensive, but am I being unreasonable to think if you can't afford to buy lunch for your kids as well as yourself, maybe you should come after lunch and just have a coffee?

OP posts:
redridingwolf · 09/03/2012 09:34

xpost with whees - yes, exactly. At many places it is not possible to be sufficiently sure of the gluten-free status. Even one stray breadcrumb, or invisible particle of flour will damage a coeliac child's intestines.

imnotmymum · 09/03/2012 09:35

OK I apologise guess you are right just more diagnosed now.

blighter · 09/03/2012 09:39

i agree with you BUT there could be another reason such as mine. my dd has allergy to all nuts, egg (cooked & raw) & dairy (milk, etc) and CANNOT eat anything safely pretty much in a cafe and it is because of this that i have to take something with me for her. i always tell the manager first though as in normal circumstances i agree, i think it is bad form. i always feel awkward doing it however as i notice sometimes i get odd looks from people thinking what you are. i would dearly LOVE for my dd to be able to order something off the menu like the other kids. you don't know what it is like sitting opposite your child watching them eat something that you haven't prepared, watching their lips incase they turn blue or their eye lids incase they begin to swell up. it is fucking scary stuff. and she has severe allergy, i carry two epi pens around, not one of those 'neurotic mother diagnosed' non exsistent allergies that have been created and thus take the seriousness away from those who suffer life threatening allergies. but i do agree with you. but i have always liked to go out to eat and don't see why i have to stop because dd can't. even chips can be dangerous if they are cooked in ground nut oil (peanut) and not vegetable.

thebody · 09/03/2012 09:40

Y do u care? Cafe owner may have said its ok! Lots of placed offer free kids meals anyway, cafe would probably rather have 2 adult paying customers than nothing at all.

My 4 Dcs were very small eaters and It was a bloody waste of good and money to get 4 child meals in a cafe!

I think u abur and should mind ur business

blighter · 09/03/2012 09:44

btw i only ever sit at a table for two so the cafe would not be losing a seat as noone would have sat on my table with me anyway. i DO order her a drink however and some crisps, i ALWAYS try and order something but sandwiches are never safe, and sweet things (cakes, buns etc) are a BIG NO NO

GhastlyBespoke · 09/03/2012 09:44

I have honestly no idea why you would give two shiny shites about this. Some people are just actively seeking out something to judge.

imnotmymum · 09/03/2012 09:50

There are a lot of angry people this morning! do not worry folks it nearly the week end

trixymalixy · 09/03/2012 09:50

YABU. DS has allergies and I find that little cafes in garden centres and national trust museums etc are the worst for him. Quite often they have not a single thing that he can eat down to even the crisps having milk in them. They are quite often run by little old ladies who don't have a clue what's in anything. Bigger restaurants are different in that they have a wider range and can generally make something for him.

If I know we are going somewhere that just has a little cafe, I will take a packed lunch as a backup but would buy food from the cafe in preference so DS is the same as everyOne else as far as possible.

We have even been to a few places where they actually refused to serve DS any food at all even though there were several things on the menu that could have been adapted.

And it was really none of your business and the cafe staff would have stopped them if they were that bothered.

trixymalixy · 09/03/2012 09:52

Oh and DS has proper diagnosed epipen carrying allergies for all the non believers.

saintlyjimjams · 09/03/2012 09:56

I used to take food when my kids were gluten free. And for years autistic ds1 would eat fewer than 10 items of food (no meat, no fish, no cheese, no eggs, no chips, no fruit, no veg - try finding something on a menu that he would eat!). I loathe making packed lunches btw - it was a happy day when we could order anything from a cafe menu.

redridingwolf · 09/03/2012 10:00

ha, saintly - i empathise. i hate making packed lunches too, ruins the spontaneity of going out. but have no choice now!

brdgrl · 09/03/2012 10:15

It is a matter of consideration and common sense, like so many things. And like so many things, the people who act badly make it an issue.

If the adults are ordering a meal themselves, and the child has allergies or genuine food issues, then I think it is OK. If the issue is the expense, or the child's preferences (or the scenario proposed above in which the packed lunch was intended for a picnic and then it rained!) - then it is nonsense. It is not the cafe owners' responsibility to provide a place for your family to eat. If you 'can't afford' to tip decently, you can't afford to eat out - similarly, if you 'can't afford' to buy the food, you can't afford to eat in the place. If the food doesn't suit, then you don't have an automatic right to bring your own. If it rains on your picnic, you'll have to find another public place to sit and eat your prepared meal.

Many places are happy to make reasonable accomodation for children (whether by adjusting the menu or by happily allowing them to eat food from outside), and aren't going to get huffy if you are reasonable in return. But buying a cup of coffee whilst you take over a table in the establishment and use it to feed your children - that's just taking the piss.

Original poster
AndiMac · 09/03/2012 10:58

I do find it amusing that nearly everyone posting today who thinks I'm BU has posted like I personally insulted them, with a rather rude tone to their posts. I especially like the one telling me to take off my judgey-pants. The irony is fantastic.

I would like to everyone screaming "allergies" a question. I can understand if the kids have allergies. However, can you explain why they would need to bring an Innocent Smoothie from home rather than buying a fruit juice or juicy water from the cafe?

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 09/03/2012 11:00

well ds1 only ever drank water at the time we did own food stuff. Or some orange but only particular brands.

He would eat crisps, but only walker ready salted in red packets.

I may not be the person to ask as give the choice I would have been buying from the cafe rather than carting around food.

silverfrog · 09/03/2012 11:11

same as saintly.

my dd1 cannot drink apple or orange juice (you really do not want the after effects, which are immediate), which knocks out most juices sold in cafes (even mixed flavours are based on these). she drinks cherry or grape juice, and cannot rely on somewhere having that for sale.

I would far rather go somewhere and order their food/drink - packing up and taking food with you, for the whole day if out on a trip, is a pain in the arse, tbh. as is having to cart it all round everywhere, in suitable bags. and taking somehting like gluten free sandwiches is also a massive pain - make them in the morning and chances are by lunchtime they are inedible (a mess of crumbs and absorbed filling). which tends ot mean eg taking bread, enough cutlery to make the sandwiches up, and then a jar of jam/honey/whatever too - all adds to the weight and inconvenience.

add in the sports bottle of juice we have to take and it means lugging around quite a weight, tbh.

would be far easier to be able to just buy things wherever we go. and I rejoice whenever we are somewher that we can do so. abroad tends to be far more accessible in drinks terms (not so wedded to only apple or orange juice, so some variety possible), but food cross contamination can be a problem.

we can these days go to nandos (still take our own drinks for the dds) - the freedom that has givne us is immense, even though it is just one chain, and not always available everywhere. but we now can at least plan around the nearest nandos, rather than plan around how much food to take (still have to take our own snacks though)

MissBetsyTrotwood · 09/03/2012 11:30

Maybe their trip wasn't planned and they don't want to waste good food?

saintlyjimjams · 09/03/2012 11:33

They may well have asked anyway. I always did when ordering food for me and not the gluten free kids. If the cafe had said no, we would have gone elsewhere. TBH we couldn't ever really eat out with ds1 at that time so it didn't happen so much with him (except at outdoor places or when we were travelling) but I did that a lot with ds2 and ds3. Never had a problem - they always just said go ahead.

redridingwolf · 09/03/2012 11:54

OP: 'I would like to everyone screaming "allergies" a question.'

(presumably there's a missing 'ask' there)

I find that 'screaming' rather unkind and hurtful. I am finding it difficult and upsetting adjusting to the gluten-free lifestyle DS1 now requires for his coeliac. Comments like that (which carry an undertone of suggesting people with dietary requirements are making an unnecessary fuss) are really not very nice.

I'd like to go back to my blissful existence of the last 40 years of not having to think twice about food, but I can't, until DS1 is an adult. And he never will be able to.

brdgrl · 09/03/2012 12:03

Maybe their trip wasn't planned and they don't want to waste good food?

Oh, come on. That's totally indefensible.

differentnameforthis · 09/03/2012 12:10

GeorgiaMay

That is all very well, but in the pics, the meals looked tiny, with 3 nuggets & a handful of fries. In reality, they were huge & once ordered & placed in front of us, what could we do?

Iggly · 09/03/2012 12:13

YABU

Mind your own business.

You can tell by looking whether there's an issue re allergies etc.

hazeyjane · 09/03/2012 12:39

I don't think anyone has been particularly rude, Andimac, and the 'screaming allergies' comment is a bit unnecessary-if you have a child that needs to eat something different, for whatever reason then these sort of threads are bound to touch a nerve, because it is horrible to feel as though people might be looking over thinking, 'cheeky mare giving her dc her own food..'.

It really is none of your business and you don't know all the circumstances.

hazeyjane · 09/03/2012 12:41

Oh, and

'You can tell by looking whether there's an issue re allergies etc.'

I really don't think you can, you don't know what is going on with people just by looking.

babybarrister · 09/03/2012 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElphabaisWicked · 09/03/2012 12:54

I've done similar with ds I'm afraid and would even do so now (he is 8 but incredibly fussy)

I think the reason is that he didnt get his first tooth until he 13 months old and couldn;t chew. He never got used to the texture of anything chewy. His big thing is meat. he won't eat any proper meat thought we have managed to get him used to the texture of minced/chopped stuff like lasagne (as long as it isn't mince heavy) fish fingers and chicken dippers. He prefers quorn sausages to normal ones.

The only sandwiches(or bagels he will eat is philadelphia which no where does. He will eat chips and plain tomato pasta but you can't always get that.

We try but always have something just in case. He also had an intolerance to sweetners but luckily will drink proper fruit juice.