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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have asked this soft play place to make a child leave?

138 replies

notahappycamper · 03/03/2012 20:51

Was with DC at a soft play place today for a party. DD1 (nearly 8) came over crying and holding her face. When she took her hand away I could see a wide scratch on her cheek. She told me she had been attacked and punched by a smaller boy. Her cheek was split inside and she also had a bruise appearing on her upper arm. I asked her why it happened - she said she was just moving past him and his friends. I again asked had she bumped into him or maybe hurt him by accident. She was certain that nothing had happened.

I went to the front desk to ask for something to clean her face and maybe an ice pack. The girls seemed shocked by the state of DD. I asked them was there a policy when something like this happened? They said "No" but I could speak to the manager. She was unavailable and it was arranged for her to come and speak to me later.

I went into the play area to check on my other 2 DC's and DD saw the child who had hurt her. A man then approached him to ask him to come down. I asked him was the child his and he said yes. I showed him DD's face. He said "Oh yes, she wanted to get past and hit my boy so he hit her back." DD, in between sobs, said" I didnt mummy. I didnt."

This man was about 6' 6" and well built. He said to DD, "Yes you did" and to me he said, "Look I will back my son up all day." I was [shocked] but said, "Well that is very admirable but that level of injury to a child is not acceptable. "
By now the manager had come over and the exchange was repeated but the man would not apologise for his son (who was about 6). The manager asked my DD was she ok and she sobbed "No, it hurts." She then asked me what I wanted(!). I said that I thought they should have some sort of policy where they ask child who are that agressive to leave. The dad said, "Well the party we are at is finished now so we are going anyway." I ended up walking away.

After the dad and child left, the manager again approached me to say that that type of incident happens from time to time but they cant do anything about it. I told her that they should think about taking measures to stop things like this, some sort of punishment, even though I know it is difficult.

So, was IBU?

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 04/03/2012 21:32

This is why I hate soft play centres..........

problem is you didn't see what actually happened, so you believe your DD

other father didn't see what actually happened, so he believes his DS

Hard for an outsider to know what actually did happen

birdsofshoreandsea · 04/03/2012 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherriesarelovely · 04/03/2012 21:58

Sorry Lunar "All* children do not have a go at others in soft play areas, some do and some don't. What the dad did wrong in this situation was to imediately jump to his childs defence even when OPs daughter was quite badly and obviously injured. It is completely unacceptable. If you knew your child had done that to another child, even if they had been pushed you would, surely be apologetic? Even if it was true that the other child had pushed to start with.

I think what OP was referring to in terms of the injuries leaving marks was the severity of the incident. That is quite a reasonable thing to say IMHO. She has also said that the staff at the playplace were shocked at how she looked.

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2012 22:03

I would have been 7 shades of livid if my DD had been hurt like that, and as for a child being bitten and nothing done Shock

It is tricky when it's one child's word against another and you have to expect a certain degree of rough & tumble at that type of place, but I would think it was entirely possible to have a policy worded along the lines of "any child causing visible injury to another will be asked to leave the play area," with perhaps a time out period for unwitnessed incidents.

Whether or not OP's DD hit out first is immaterial to a degree I think, as normal rough play between children shouldn't cause that level of injury surely?

Thingiebob · 04/03/2012 22:13

THis has nothing to do with a child's word against another. The level of injury should be enough to ask the child and father to leave the premises.

And as for CCTV being inappropriate... words fail me!

LunarRose · 04/03/2012 22:15

Dum - and we are right back to the point I made.

ALL hitting is wrong. For an establishment to step in either they MUST punish all, or leave it for parents to supervise.

Punishing one child more than another just because you can see the injury in one case but you can't in the other is just wrong

LunarRose · 04/03/2012 22:20

Yes cherry your right - I have apologised when it wasn't my child's fault, I've even apologised when the MUM removed the toy from my (otherwise peaceful) child and caused a problem. However I very much doubt that 3 more years down the line I will be saying the same thing.

Thingiebob · 04/03/2012 22:20

There is a level of rough and tumble that happens in these places because they are children. When it gets to this level of violence and the parent is clearly not supervising their child - they should be asked to leave.

LunarRose · 04/03/2012 22:22

Then the soft play areas would be empty. very few are set up to enable constant supervision and very few parents do.

GreenEyesAndHam · 04/03/2012 22:22

Neither parent was supervising their child, so neither parent knows exactly what happened, regardless of the girls injuries. The other child could have been hurt just as much without showing any outward signs.

The only fair thing to do would be to ask both to leave, but I really can't see any business doing that

LunarRose · 04/03/2012 22:24

But the point is this; Essentially which is worse, the child who hits first or the child who hits hardest?

Is it really for a soft play establishment to decide?

LunarRose · 04/03/2012 22:26

Actually there's nothing in the OP's thread to suggest the father didn't see it happen.

Sounds to me more like he did

LunarRose · 04/03/2012 22:26

Ignore the above

Green eyes I agree

Original poster
notahappycamper · 04/03/2012 22:49

I only wanted a YABU or YANBU!
The dad SAID he saw my DD hit his DS and that yes he hit back. He wouldnt apologise. I think that if he had done I wouldnt have been so livid.
He must have punched her at least 3 times to cause that swelling and bruising.
I didnt see what happened but my DD is adamant that she didnt hit him. My back went up when, as I spoke to the dad, he interrupted to say DD had hit first. When I said "But look at her face" he just said again,"Well she hit him first."

I looked at my DD today and I thought that that child and his dad wont have given her a thought today but she will go to school tomorrow bruised and cut. That wasnt caused by a bit of rough and tumble

OP posts:
LilacWaltz · 04/03/2012 23:02

Maybe another child got involved? or some of her injuries were from just playing rough/slide etc..... You are blaming it all on a boy and you weren't there to see it. He could be hurt too

Cherriesarelovely · 04/03/2012 23:35

Your poor DD. I find it really upsetting to hear about things like this. I think the dad imediately saying "I will back my son up all day" and refusing to apologise makes it very clear that he was never going to admit his son was in the wrong and sorry all but I reiterate that if your child had caused that level of injury you ought to be apologetic so that alone tells me that he was not a reasonable person as does the fact that his son was kicking his dad later.

I would also wager that if you have never witnessed your DD hitting another child and no-one has EVER told you that she has -at playgroup, nursery, school or wherever then she probably hasn't and wouldn't. I wonder how others would have handled it in OPs situation....just said to their DD well, that man said you hit him so you deserve to be scratched and punched?

Cherriesarelovely · 04/03/2012 23:38

And also....why didn't the man say anything to the effect of "yes I did tell him not to do that" or " I did ask him to say sorry bearing in mind how badly she was hurt"?

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 04/03/2012 23:48

Last time we were at soft play, ds2 (5) came over to me and said "mummy I grabbed a boys jumper and swung him round cox he kept hitting me. I didn't hit him back because you said hitting is naughty. Is that ok?" I'll admit I didn't know what to say! Ds2 and ds1 (7) both said he was bigger than both of them. I told him he shouldn't have swung the boy round, but then he didn't hit back and wd know from experience that staff/other parents generally don't setm to care or tell children off! It's very tricky.

LunarRose · 05/03/2012 10:38

Sorry Happy

But YABU to expect the soft play area to throw the other child out unless you are prepared to have them throw your child out too given the allegation that she started it.

YABU to expect an apology if your DD had hit the child first. If I'd seen a child hit my DC and the Mum had come over all guns blazing and making accusations, there's no way I would have made my child apologise either.

Of course if she didn't hit first YANBU to expect an apologies.

But the fact is you don't know you weren't there

stuffthenonsense · 05/03/2012 10:54

I despair! If this were an adult situation, and a woman wanted to get past a group of men, and for whatever reason (we dont know, she may have asked them and they refused to move) she then hit one, he retaliated by being overly aggressive, would people say that was ok? No violence is acceptable in my opinion. At any age.
Both are in the wrong if there is hitting, but appropriate degrees of retaliation must absolutely be taken into account, and maybe its just my opinion, but for a parent to stand in front of their child and to basically teach their child that any response is appropriate is just asking for trouble in the future.
I have no idea why people take their children to soft play, they are places born of hell.

porcamiseria · 05/03/2012 11:00

you go to soft play, this shit happens

yanbu to be upset, but part and parcel I am afarid

Cherriesarelovely · 05/03/2012 12:48

Having said all of the above though I still think it is very difficult for the manager of the playcentre to make such a call. It is really the parents responsibility to monitor their children and I suppose if they go there repeatedly and do NOT watch their kids and such incidences become common then they could say something but as a one off when they have not witnessed the accident then it is a very tough call. Don't blame OP for asking though. Hope her DD is ok today.

Proudnscary · 05/03/2012 12:58

I'm sorry your daughter was injured but this shit happens aaallll the time at soft play. Mine have often had bruises and cuts and banged heads.

Kids lamp each other and there is rarely one totally innocent party (though of course there are kids that take pleasure in belting other kids for the hell of it)

Just forget about it!

Cherriesarelovely · 05/03/2012 13:05

It does depend on the child though Proud. If you have a DC that is very quiet and shy and unassuming and they get attacked like this in a way that even shocks the people working in the playcentre then I too would be very upset about it. My DD doesn't thump and has rarely been thumped, granted, she is not a physical kid anyway but not all kids are "rough and tumble". If she had been attacked like that I would be really upset about it.

Cherriesarelovely · 05/03/2012 13:06

Equally if something like this happened to a kid in my class in the playground I would take it very seriously. I don't think it is "nothing" at all.