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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to take some paternity leave?

102 replies

Maffy · 01/03/2012 21:12

My DH is entitled to paternity pay and leave, but says he cannot take any as he is too busy at work and is paid by results...

I am expecting DC2 and will have to have a CS within the week (due to problems and EMCS with DC1 2.5 years ago). I am scrabbling round for childcare for DC1 during the three days I expect to be in hospital, as DH says he needs to work for parts of those days, at least.

He didn't take any PL with DC1 and I just about coped, but I'm sure it will be harder with a toddler. I cannot really expect help from anyone else.

We are relatively lucky that we do not have a mortgage and could survive two weeks on SPP. AIBU to be annoyed and worried that I shall be be alone (usually 8am - 6pm) with two DC staight after leaving hospital for a CS?!

I would love some advice!

OP posts:
NotYetEverything · 01/03/2012 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snala · 01/03/2012 21:20

You will definitely need help. How will you be able to lift ,care for ,cook etc for your toddler?
I had an elcs with ds2 and trust me it's no picnic looking after a jealous toddler that doesn't understand why mummy is so poorly and dealing with a new baby - whilst recovering from surgery.

He needs to be there to support you all, who will look after your toddler while you are in hospital?

FourEyesGood · 01/03/2012 21:21

He is being incredibly unreasonable. You will definitely need his help looking after the new baby, let alone your toddler, when recovering from your CS. You will be unable to lift your toddler to offer reasurance and comfort (which s/he will need with the arrival of new sibling!) and you won't want to get out of bed much. It is essential that you rest after your operation - it's major abdominal surgery!

Original poster
Maffy · 01/03/2012 21:23

He is pretty busy at work, but always says he is!

He is a super father to DC1 when he sees him, but doesn't do proper childcare/housework and sees it as my department (even though I usually work fulltime at home with only one day's childcare).

I don't believe it is provider-panic as you suggest, just not his problem...

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 01/03/2012 21:24

I don't really understand his approach at all, so I find it hard to get to grips with how to tackle it.

I think YANBU at all, of course he should take his leave, and then some TBH. Is he taking his annual leave / holiday, or is he working those too? Does he work early mornings, late nights, weekends? If he's out 8-6 then it doesn't sound as if he's doing vast amounts of overtime so I would question it.

OTOH you are due next week and if he won't then he won't so on a practical note can you hire a mothers help or whatever they are called to come and help out during the day, or do you know anyone who would come and hang around and entertain the toddler and do some cooking and that for a bit of cash in hand pay? I think you need to put a practical plan in place how you are going to deal with the first bit. I had a CS with DD2 as well when DD1 was 2 and DH was home for 4 weeks and that seemed fine - not rubbing it in but saying that if you can find someone to help for the first 4 weeks then you should be able to manage after that hopefully (although of course it may be quicker or longer that's a sort of rough guide maybe).

Bue · 01/03/2012 21:24

Completely unreasonable and unrealistic on his part! He doesn't have a clue, does he?

Hebiegebies · 01/03/2012 21:25

He got you up the duff, he needs to take 50% of the responsiblity for the 6 weeks that you need to recover from the CS
If he isn't there,he needs to be the one finding cover
Feel for you

SardineQueen · 01/03/2012 21:26

Oh xposts.

He is being totally U then.

Does he understand what a caesarian section is? What a baby is?

pfff.

shesparkles · 01/03/2012 21:26

I'm far from being a fan but even the prime minister took paternity leave!

nobodyspecial · 01/03/2012 21:26

YANBU. You will definitely need the help. Coping with the first DC is easy peasy. When you have two, it's very hard. I suspect it will be harder for you recovering from surgery too.

I have to say that your DH is being really selfish and inconsiderate. Surely he had 9 months to plan this paternity leave...I mean he KNEW that a baby was coming so why not schedule the time off? I filled out my DH's form for him and handed it to him at 23 weeks and told him he was taking paternity leave no matter what.

Is there not anyone else you can rely on? Relatives? If not, then I've heard alot of people hire Doulas to help them recover from birth, and they can help around the house too. Would this be an option?

snala · 01/03/2012 21:26

It will be his problem if you are admitted back to hospital with stitches coming undone and infection. Angry
It is vital that you rest for a good couple of weeks.
I ended up with an infection in the wound and an infection in my womb. I was very poorly. That was with rest!

SardineQueen · 01/03/2012 21:28

Tell him that if he ever needs a major operation - heart surgery or brain surgery or a knee operation - then you will be going on holiday for a fortnight at that time and it's not your problem how he is going to cope, eat, look after the children etc.

What an arse.

nobodyspecial · 01/03/2012 21:30

Will he be able to pull himself away from work to be there with you when you have the CS? Or will he make you do that by yourself too?

inabeautifulplace · 01/03/2012 21:31

He needs to have a long, hard look at himself and accept that his loyalties and responsibilities for this minuscule period of time start and finish with you and the children. Work stuff is pretty irrelevant in comparison to supporting your needs at this time. Is he truly ignorant as to how hard it will be for you?

Original poster
Maffy · 01/03/2012 21:32

Thanks for all your comments, seems I'm not being unreasonable after all! DC1 will be in nursery when I have CS and my mother has agreed to one day off, but is limited and already juggling with my dying grandmother.

Recovery after the CS really worries me. After my EMCS with DC1 I had to drive with a week and just get on with it, including 300 miles alone with 2 wo baby and dogs to see friends; I would have gone mad otherwise sitting at home.

However, I was in pain for 15 months and really regret doing too much. My DH agrees I should do less, but does not offer a solution. He does not want a doula, which I was going to pay for myself!

I cannot really lift DC1 now and we cope.

OP posts:
nightowlmostly · 01/03/2012 21:32

I find it odd that he is not seeming to realise how much help and support you are going to need in the first wee while. Is he always this selfish?

SardineQueen · 01/03/2012 21:34

You shouldn't have done that drive you know. Couldn't they have come to you? Anyway, sofa and boxsets and MN are what you need while you are recovering from CS.

If your DH won't be around to help then he doesn't get to say that no-one else is allowed to either Hmm

You are due in a week. Hire the doula. Book it tomorrow.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/03/2012 21:36

WTAF?! There's no way you can do that. Give him a kick up the arse (or, if your bump's too big, get your toddler to do it!)

If he really won't take leave then you're going to need help from somewhere else. Family? Extra childcare from the person who helps one day a week?

snala · 01/03/2012 21:36

Do you realise you probably won't be insured to drive until 6 weeks post section? You need to check with your insurance company. ( it's also pretty bloody stupid Hmm)

nobodyspecial · 01/03/2012 21:37

Sorry...What does he mean he doesn't want a doula? He's not the one having a baby! If he's not offering a solution then it's up to you to make your life easy. The doula will be for you, and it should be up to you whether you want one or not!

I'd just go ahead and find one ASAP. You admit yourself you were in pain for 15 months after your first child. Do you want to be restricted like that again the second time around?

Sometimes you have to do what feels right. Your H is being a bumhead.

Hebiegebies · 01/03/2012 21:40

Let him read this thread

I have a friend who had a CS with dd2. Her husband is an army medic and was on a 6 week trip with the army planned for the same time.

Turns out his boss said he could have swapped with another medic, but he chose not too.

While he wa away he got soo much stick for his decison that he now retreats not being there.

Her stitches split, her wound didn't heal, she was on her own with a baby, a toddler and a gapping wound.

He was a plonker who only a few years later understands how stupid he was

inabeautifulplace · 01/03/2012 21:40

Just read your last post, and that has made me incredibly angry. How in fuck is it not his problem. He's your fucking husband! If he's that much of a moron that he assigns all childcare to you, explain to him that you will look after the kids and he can look after you. Simple.

Original poster
Maffy · 01/03/2012 21:42

Please don't think DH is dreadful! He is usually very good (within his limitations), but men never undertstand, do they?!

He does hope to be at the birth, but mainly because he has been told to by his mother. MIL will be on holiday and cannot help, nor do we really have the sort of relationship where she would help out at home or take my side...

Perhaps it will be easier to put my foot down after the birth, but it would really get me down to see DC1 watching TV all day etc, and not try to do something!

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 01/03/2012 21:44

I am astounded at what a dick your DH is. Of course he has to come and look after you, take the toddler out, bond with his new baby. Incredible that work would rate more highly on his priority list. If I were you OP I would be going ballistic even at the suggestion that work should come first!

rubyslippers · 01/03/2012 21:45

My DH understood

He took 2 weeks paternity leave both times and wanted to take more

He did everything after the birth of our second child - house, DS activities, cooking etc, I was literally sitting on my bum getting breast feeding established

DH is one of the most driven workaholic men I know

You need to book a doula for as long as y need her for