To want DH to take some paternity leave?

[Maffy]

My DH is entitled to paternity pay and leave, but says he cannot take any as he is too busy at work and is paid by results...

I am expecting DC2 and will have to have a CS within the week (due to problems and EMCS with DC1 2.5 years ago). I am scrabbling round for childcare for DC1 during the three days I expect to be in hospital, as DH says he needs to work for parts of those days, at least.

He didn't take any PL with DC1 and I just about coped, but I'm sure it will be harder with a toddler. I cannot really expect help from anyone else.

We are relatively lucky that we do not have a mortgage and could survive two weeks on SPP. AIBU to be annoyed and worried that I shall be be alone (usually 8am - 6pm) with two DC staight after leaving hospital for a CS?!

I would love some advice!

My DH fully understood. It's not hard is it?
After major abdo surgery you need rest and some help with his dc so you don't end up back in hospital.

of FGS, "men never understand, do they?". Of course they do, they're not all idiots like your DH seems to be!

I feel quite upset that your DH is so blasé about this and then trying to stop you getting the help he should be providing

Tell him if he has knee surgery or back surgery that there's no way you're looking after him, see how that feels (and then throw in that you'll leave a newborn baby and a toddler with him all day to somehow cope with...)

And, NO WAY get a doula. This is your DH's responsibility, no-one else's.

I tried the car insurance/six week excuse last time, but it actually doesn't apply. Our insurance company said I was insured as long as I felt I could do an emergency stop, which of course I would do had a child run into the road.

Shall definitely look into a doula; perhaps I could send her home each day before my husband returns!

I really don't mind the struggle/coping myself, just don't want it to affect the DC.

Kiwi - I don't think he is going to do it though

OP needs to be prepared for that

Agree fully it is his responsibility

Id' suggest that his boss is going to think he's a dick, too, if he puts work above his family in such a time of need.

I'm still angry thinking about this complete failure by your husband to DO HIS JOB AS A HUSBAND AND FATHER. Tantamount to neglect. Wanker!

paid by results

There is your answer.

Now go ask everyone old enough to remember when men were men and women got on with the business of having babies and men didnt fuck about on paternity leave, getting under your feet and being a general nuisance. FWIW ...3 c-section, 2 very prem, three under 5 at one point.

Men do understand. Or decent ones do. Real ones.

He is being a knob and you need to tell him

And I think this might be one of the very rare occasions when I suggest showing him this thread so he realises what a knob he is being

"I really don't mind the struggle/coping myself, just don't want it to affect the DC."

Stop being a martyr, yes you do mind, yes it's his job, yes he will be taking maternity leave.

Just book a doula. If he's so busy at work it won't be anything to do with him will it?
What do you want us to say? You know uanbu but you are defending him to us.

He sounds like an utter dick tbh. Does he have any good qualities?

Don't be silly trois

OP DH is not working long hours
OP knows that he doesn't want to do it because he cba and has nothing to do with work

He is paid by results at work = financial reward
He is paid by results at home = emotional reward, in the form of a loving family

If he fails to put in effort at home, he risks destroying his family life. Doesn't take much to see that.

"Our insurance company said I was insured as long as I felt I could do an emergency stop, which of course I would do had a child run into the road."

Yes you think you can do an emergency stop but a week after abdominal surgery in fact your body will not react as it would normally. Please don't go driving around so soon again.

This "men never undertstand, do they"

Yes of course they do, most do.

It will have a major impact on your dc if you are taken back to hospital

I'm leaving this thread now as I'm so
You don't seem like you really want help tbh
Grow a pair ffs

Don't know why people are so keen to say it is genuinely to do with his work when he is out of the house 8-6 so he can't be doing much, or any overtime, and OP has not answered whether he is taking his annual leave (something tells me he is) or working weekends regularly (something tells me he isn't).

There's always one, isn't there.

Straight forward converstion, you need help - either he does it or you pay for it. (assuming no grandparents who can come along to help). You can not drive. You can not do cleaning/cooking. He can't refuse to give you help after major surgery and refuse to let you get someone else in to help.

Tell him you are hiring a doula/mothers help. If he doesn't want you to, then he has to find an alternative solution.

I didn't have a c section, DH has a stressful job. He got it, he understood that giving birth is a massive thing to recover from, so he looked after me.

Yes, actually men do understand. Yours just chooses not to.

Why the fuck are you pandering to him? Either tell him to book the leave, or organise a doula.

There is no way I could be married to a cunt like this, no way.

You can't lift a toddler for a few weeks. Your eldest is 2.5? Even just holding his arm (to stop him running across the road for example) will be too hard for a little while. Anything where you twist will be excruciating. You will need help for at least four weeks IMHO. I've been there done that and got the video

I am 6 days post EMCS with DD2 after EMCS with my first DD too. It is more painful this time around due to extra scar tissue. I am often in too much pain to stand up for long periods of time. I can't put DD on the potty or change it as getting down to the floor is too painful still. I can't do bathtime either. I can't do shopping at all. I can't do laundry. Can't put the bin out. I can do washing up and cooking, but getting into the fridge and oven only became possible today. I have had to get extra pain medication just to manage and my DH and my mum have been helping every day.

Put your foot down, it is completely unreasonable for him to expect you to manage without any support, if he does not want to take time off then he needs to be supportive of your wish to hire someone to help you.

Remind him that a CS is major abdominal surgery and that you cannot lift anything other than baby for 6 weeks, not to mention risk of post-partum bleed once home. If anything happens to you or your older DC you will need someone there to help you/call for help.

I am gobsmacked at this - he doesn't give a shit about you or your health. It's sad. And you're making excuses for him.

Oh yes, and if he doesn't want a lot of time out of the office this year, this can be your family holiday time for 2012. Something tells me he'll suddenly be 'spareable' when it's a beach holiday... (also agree 8-6 aren't long hours)

But in the old days, women got far better post natal care from midwives. Now its "pop the baby out and be off home". OP won't have any help at all and it sounds like even when DH is home, he doesn't do much.

I thought my husband was pretty selfish when I was ill last week. He didn't take a day off to lookafter DC1, but he took 3 weeks off when DC2 was born in January, and he did EVERYTHING around the house. Men do understand the trauma of childbirth: Seeing a 34" head pop out of your wife's vagina should be a wake up call for any man. Him seeing your guts on the operating table whilst they take the baby out should also be a wake up call.

Why do you feel the need to send the doula home before he comes back each evening? What are you scare of? He doesn't sound like a very nice person OP. If I had told my husband I'd hire a doula after the birth of our children, he would have been elated.