To be in awe of private school's...

[whydontwehaveasharpknife]

I am a nanny, the other day I accompanied the girl that I nanny for in rural Northamptonshire to the schools open day, it was AMAZING- the grounds were like a national trust property, the uniforms all hand made by a famous London fashion designer, there was a lake, climbing wall, beautiful dining room, tree climbing, den building, the children who already attend the school were incredibly polite and sat in the library reading broad-sheet news papers.

I grew up on a council estate with a peado living round the corner that used to terrify me when I walked the dog, my mother is mentally ill and I've never lived with her, in my early teens my step mother left to become a heroin addict.

Needless to say, I have had to fight pretty hard for my A levels/sanity/ health and have applied to university this year but I must admit I couldn't help but feel 'lower than these people, the staff, the parents and even the children they were all so refined and I felt they could see that I am not of the same breed.

It is just luck though isn't it, why do some people who are born into fortunate circumstances get all the opportunities at success whilst others have to work really hard into their late twenties just to get the success these children achieve when they are 18.

OP Schools like that are generally lovely places. Quite a number of the parents probably did not have privileged backgrounds themselves but made a good education for their children a top priority. Most of them will spend a lot of time ramming home to the children that they are lucky and that most of the world is not like school/home.

The only advantage which most of them will not have is that they will not arrive at the end of their education with any idea of what it is to pull oneself up by the bootstraps in adversity. This is a very valuable skill. You should be proud of having overcome some difficulties; and should certainly not feel yourself in any way overshadowed by anyone simply because they have had it easy.

Most prep school uniforms are basically polyester rubbish- all has to go through the school wash.

I went to a school with building and grounds that look like a national trust property. I had to live away from my family for that privilege, wasn't allowed toys, and cried myself to sleep every night. My only ambition at the end of it all was to get married and have a family so I could make up for what I had missed out on growing up.

I know exactly what you mean, op. My dd was in a ballet show at a local very famous private school which sometimes loans out its state-of-the-art theatre to the local riff raff in an arrangement which partly enables the school to maintain its charitable status. Although I drive past the school most days and see its gorgeously green rolling playing fields, the fleet of brand new transit vans, the vast immaculately tended flower beds, I had never seen "behind the scenes" before and I was just knocked out. But then I remembered that it costs £15,000 pa to send one child there so, you know, the income is colossal - and what would you expect? You'd feel a bit shortchanged as a parent paying those sort of fees if it didn't look stunning and choc full of state of the art facilities. All the parents of my dd's friends and I were rolling our eyes and laughing about how bloody opulent it was. Try and see the funny side of it and remember only a teeny weeny miniscule proportion of the population gets to go to a school like that.

OP I know how you feel to an extent. I have a friend who teaches at a similar school and she showed me the prospectus. It looks like actual heaven. I would like to put on a uniform and pretend I'm 15 and go. The facilities are mind-boggling.

I went to a boarding school for a short time as a teen. Nothing amazing like the one my friend works at, but still, the pupils were so spoilt and unpleasant (with of course many exceptions). I remember one girl being mortally offended that I had bought christmas cards which supported a charity, and given her some funky socks as a present. Both were deemed to be things you'd give to 'poor people'. They were all ultra competitive with designer clothes. Lots of bullying and being made to feel worthless if you didn't live in London in a multi million pound house. And as to the nice facilities we had, no one much bothered to use them, as everyone was in full on teenage mode and just went 'meh' when offered activities. I weep now at the thought of the beautiful pool right in the grounds which I would kill to have access to now, oh and the lovely landscaped Japanese gardens. The girls only went there to smoke. They didn't see their surroundings in the slightest.

It isn't fair. Everyone should have a lovely school with fab facilities available, and be encouraged and pushed. But I do believe everyone can still make a lot of themselves if they have drive. Good luck at university.

I went to private school. Our uniforms were hand woven Harris tweed tailored suits - in fact during rationing in the 1940s, the school had successfully managed to commandeer the entire annual stock of the fabric each year somehow, direct from the Isle of Harris. On top of more usual subjects, we all learned Latin, cooking, sewing, lacrosse and tennis - golf, riding and driving lessons were optional. I learned to play the piano on a concert Bechstein. Our lacrosse teacher was the England coach. We had an amazing panelled reference library with hand made Arts and Crafts furniture and a Greek motto over the entrance, overlooking manicured grounds. There were two further fiction libraries - lower school and upper school. The main school building was a stately home, and most of the other buildings were listed as well - large converted Victorian villas with tennis courts and pretty gardens. Our dining room had an ornate plasterwork ceiling and we had napkin holders for our personal napkins to be kept, near the vast walnut door that was the entrance to the dining room. We swam in a 1930s indoor pool with large windows overlooking our extensive games pitches and tennis courts, and in the holidays girls went on school cruises to Classical sites, or on trips to Russia, or skiing, or on lacrosse tours to the US. Our headmistress held annual 'At Homes' for the sixth form. I could go on. Fees were at the top end of the range, so equivalent to £25k plus a year for boarders in modern money (luckily I had a scholarship!)

As with other private schools, it wasn't actually snobby at all. I would say it had a major bullying problem though, which was frequently swept under the carpet, but then this was not uncommon in the 1980s before the Children's Act etc. We were all brought up to do work for charity and to expect to work in leadership roles in various organisations such as healthcare, law, education and so on, or run our own businesses, or set up or run charities, but less for our own edification than out of a sense of duty and purpose. I think this is something all good schools are capable of, and it doesn't matter if you go to school in a Portacabin or a stately home, being thoughtful of others and aspirational for yourself and society comes for free, and the state schools I have subsequently sent my DCs to are exactly like this as well. I'd like to see more of it.

Sorry - correction - I would say most private schools are not that snobby when you get in there. Some clearly are and I have tended to avoid them - I inadvertently sent my DD to one for years 7 and 8 for various daft reasons I won't go into here, but pulled her out when the true extent of their nonsense became apparent. I was not prepared to have her trained to be a rich housewife who spent her entire time shopping and at the hairdresser's, nor did I think very much to the fact that some of the (largely unsupervised) girls thought it would be amusing to put washing up liquid in the fountain, thereby poisoning the fish. The memo that came urging us to dress for the Open Day "as for Ascot, but without the hats" did not go down very well with us or many other parents either, and was the last straw. Suffice it to say that she went to another private school that was a lot less snobby after that.

OP The confidence that many independent schools imbue In their students is (I find) a little bit intimidating to many and not something that many regular state comprehensives manage. And the facilities can be fabulous. And I suspect that if we provided that sort of education for all kids we would be proud of the fact. But it doesn't make the children any better than you. Far from it.

And you should also remember that you are standing there looking at all theses kids who have more privilege than you did, but there are plenty of kids who don't get to go to school, who live in war zones, or are uneducated because they are girls or they are needed to work. And most schools around the world will not have had the facilities of even the most neglected of the UK's comprehensives. That doesn't make those kids worse than you - and if they got themselves into university you'd be impressed wouldn't you? You know you've worked and you have more opportunities than if you hadn't. It's important to make the most of what we have, not spend our time being jealous of others (which isn't to say you shouldn't fight the injustice). We often forget how privileged we are because we always look at those who have more, it's natural, but it gives us a distorted sense of the world and can cause us to buy into the idea we are worth less intrinsically because others have more materially. Don't fall for it.

OP you are right. These schools do give their pupils an advantage and it is unfair that some kids get it and some don't.

It's also unfair that some children have loving, responsible, capable parents, and some children have parents who are uncaring and/or incapable of bringing them up properly. (IMO this difference has a much bigger effect than schooling.)

It's also unfair that some children are born naturally prettier, or cleverer, or better at sport than others.

Some of these unfairnesses we can change (and should change). Others we can't. The important thing to remember the children with these advantages aren't "better" than the children without them. And nor are the adults they become. They are just luckier.

That's a fair point. I have to say there are not many schools in the UK I would totally refuse to send any of my children to now. I might prefer one or the other, but the bottom line since the 1988 Education Act is that all of them are pretty reasonable on the whole, and provide a rounded general education for comparatively little money from the public purse, and with little effort from me. That's not a bad achievement nationally.

People should also bear in mind that some of the kids in private schools have parents overseas, or poor home lives (if middle class), so sometimes the expensive schooling is being used to compensate for other things.

The facilities and grounds of many private schools are breathtaking, and the children are being educated in the most amazing surroundings. We went for a peek around one of the major public schools near us, and my mouth was knocking on the floor with the opportunities and environment the children enjoyed. But, the children/young adults, were altogether less impressive, and I am not sure I would want to pay £30K a year of post tax income for my child to learn how to do drugs and wander around looking like a tramp with headphones on during lessons, phones on their desk, showing disrepect to others. I know that they can get this knowledge free from another school. I saw a parent helicopter in to watch a rugby game, and this made me laugh.
Please don't think OP, that having money spent on your education is a guarantee of success, it is generally done for the parents benefit, not the childrens, imho, as a private school parent myself.

OP, I think this is the best post :
hebestisyettocome Wed 29-Feb-12 11:44:35

Remember the parents of your charge obviously want the very best for their dc which is why they are considering that school....and why they chose YOU as their nanny. You too must be the best of the best smile

I agree with Boffinmum, the state sector has changed beyond recognition from when I was at school. You can get a very good education indeed, and lots of mind-expanding extras from most state schools. The difference is largely social.

What a state school has over and above a private school is that it is demographically situated in the Real World so children are fully functional when they leave.

Interesting what you say about your education boffin - that you were all taught to lead or be successful - that's primarily what comes across when you meet or work with people from private schools. It's so wrong though...

The grass is not always greener and IMO the private school system is a bit warped. I had the misfortune of being sent to one when I was 9 and as a result I lost all my 'local' friends and had to travel a fair distance on a bus to get to my very 'posh' school. Yes it was in beautiful grounds and I am guiltily grateful for my parents working so hard to send me and my brother there. To do this they had to work so hard we barely saw them and when my mum dropped dead aged 40 (I was 12) the school was so 'caring' that not one teacher bothered to find out how I was coping...not one. I buried my head in books and academically I was quite bright so got by. There was huge pressure to 'achieve' and this backfired on quite a few of my contemporaries. I barely saw my friends out of school as they were scattered far and wide. My brother hated it and tried running away several times. I left at 16 to do my A' Levels (totally my choice) at the local 'tech' college - best decision I ever made and I got great grades.

During my time at private school I heard the most appallingly self-satisfied comments from pupils and teachers alike. Luckily I had a bit of a social conscience and realised that their unbelievable snobbery was totally out of order. I'm now a mum and wouldn't dream of sending my children to a private school. My eldest child is 9 and a few of his friends have been sent off to local prep schools. I'm now having to explain to my son why these children are boasting about 'how much better their school is...' and that our local secondary school 'sucks' (it doesn't) etc. etc. There is no way I would want any child of mine to be indoctrinated with these values no matters how marvellous the academic results are.

My grandad taught me to 'bow your knee to no man but shake the hand of any'.That is a good philosophy-I grew up on a council estate in a North East pit village,went to grammar school,got a degree,became a teacher and have never ever felt 'lower' than anyone.

I know exactly how you feel OP.

And yes I know that the children in these ivory towers may have problem x, y and z.

To be honest I'm pretty much interested in my own children. They are fairly happy normal children with a nuturing and caring home life. If they had that schooling too I'd consider them 100% primed to fly and succeed in life.

I'm currently ploughing serious manhours in to trying to see how we can make enough money to make it happen. I totally totall hear you op and I come from similar background.

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'

That's life isn't it? These places cost an absolute fortune and the children are incredibly lucky - no classes of 30 crammed into a run down room.

But that's life innit? You should be very proud of yourself. You've overcome more than most and probably have more gumption than many.

Money doesn't make me feel awe.

I went to public school from a fairly normal background. It instilled in me a massive, exaggerated self confidence that has done me no good in life since. The crash down from that to being at university with people from much more normal schools who were actually very intelligent instead of just the result of the best facilities and small classes was awful.

I'm not anti private schooling at all - we might choose it down the line for our kids - just stating my own experience.

Don't feel 'less' than them OP - you've done brilliantly and you will continue to do so. Good on you.

It's an interesting point about the beautiful surroundings ...

I went to an ordinary comp in a grim London suburb, then Cambridge for university - was staggered by the beauty of all it all, living on a 14th century courtyard etc. Of course the public school kids had seen it all before ...

Years later I visited someone who worked in the Inner Temple (where all the posh lawyers are based) - it's exactly like an Oxbridge college, all private courtyards and immaculate gardens etc. Even the numbering system for buildings and security arrangements are the same.

Imagine going to Eton, then Oxbridge, then going to work in lawyer's chambers. You would literally spend your entire life in extremely beautiful old buildings! It would give you a pretty weird view of life, eh?

"Many of today's most successful people came from nothing"

It always amuses me when someone wheels out this point. Yes there are those who became very rich and they got there despite their humble start. Richard Branson gets mentioned a lot. But these people are few and far inbetween.

The not so "feel-good reality" is that children of low income parents tend to end up being low income themselves, more likely to go to prison, be single parent etc.

Quite right supportive. Social mobility has all but disappeared in Britain since the 60s.

I have considered this greatly.
I am a first born and was brought up to work my arse off.
My siblings had different rules to me.
My Father is a multi millionare.

I've never had a penny of my family. I'm the Black Sheep of the Family.
Siblings have never worked. Went round the World..Spent loads of their Money.

I''ve never had a penny off my parents'.
Wealth is difficult for some to deal with.

FGS. Richard Branson went to Stowe. He hardly 'came from nothing.'