To be in awe of private school's...

[whydontwehaveasharpknife]

I am a nanny, the other day I accompanied the girl that I nanny for in rural Northamptonshire to the schools open day, it was AMAZING- the grounds were like a national trust property, the uniforms all hand made by a famous London fashion designer, there was a lake, climbing wall, beautiful dining room, tree climbing, den building, the children who already attend the school were incredibly polite and sat in the library reading broad-sheet news papers.

I grew up on a council estate with a peado living round the corner that used to terrify me when I walked the dog, my mother is mentally ill and I've never lived with her, in my early teens my step mother left to become a heroin addict.

Needless to say, I have had to fight pretty hard for my A levels/sanity/ health and have applied to university this year but I must admit I couldn't help but feel 'lower than these people, the staff, the parents and even the children they were all so refined and I felt they could see that I am not of the same breed.

It is just luck though isn't it, why do some people who are born into fortunate circumstances get all the opportunities at success whilst others have to work really hard into their late twenties just to get the success these children achieve when they are 18.

Op, your very bright though. They way you write is of a very high standard and your very insightful and eloquent.

In spite of no private education you still come across very, very well.

And what a lot of those children have isn't confidence. It's bravado.

We used to be houseparents in a beautiful, well resourced prep school. The grounds and facilities were great. Bullying amongst staff and pupils was rife, being a teacher or a pupil in a private school can be a terrifying and lonely thing. In some schools, the appearance is more important than the content. All may seem idyllic and some schools I have worked in are true to their word (one in particular I never wanted to leave) but my experience was that it is not always what it seems.

Interesting thread. Why the reluctance to accept that some private schools can be a pleasant environment for a kid?
The "they may look nice but the kids have eating disorder/ are bullies/ are full of bravado" is just nasty and a bit bizarre.

Here we go, the MN harbingers of doom, forming an orderly queue to pass on their anecdotes of how someone who went to a school just like this became an anorexic, drug addled, extremist terrorist.

Any observation of somehting being positive will be met with this reaction.

But here's the thing OP, yes these schools are lovely. To tell you otherwise is just patronising. You have eyes in your head and clearly you are intelligent. And you are absolutely right that these DC, barring the odd anorexic, drug addled, extremist terrorist, do have a head start in life and capitalise on it.
A million anecdotes will not make it different.

However, this absolutely does not mean that you cannot live your life how you want and achieve what you want to achieve. Yes, it will be harder than those with easier starts...but not impossible.

And yes, it's unfair that they have so much advantage, but don't let that sap your energy or distract you from what you want. Don't get dragged into that path.

I speak as someone from a difficult background who now has DC in such a school so I think I can safely say I see where you're coming from. The very best thing you can do is stay positive.

Hear hear wordfactory. I agree with every word. I went to a comprehensive school in a town most mumsnetters would drive through very quickly and there were drugs (glue, aerosols being the most common) drinking, anorexia and bullying. It is ridiculous to say these things are exclusive to private schools.

OP. It is absolutely normal to have the feelings you are experiencing. It is hard to see that some peoples lives can sometimes be more sparkly than our own. When I went to a very prestigious and beautiful place to study I felt overwhelmed by my surroundings and the uber-confident students. I always felt inferior despite having won a scholarship I would never want my own dc to have those feelings,

2rebecca the rule of MN is that any positive will be met with anecdotes proving the opposite. It's as if the collective simply don't want to believe that some things can jsut be great.

If you were to say your enighbours seem happy, posters will jump to say 'you never know what happens behind closed doors.' Then you'll get a hundred examples of neighbours who seemed happy but [insert disaster of choice].

If a poster says there child is popular at school it will only be a matter of time before someone will pipe up to say being popular is actually damaging. And popular children will actually end in tears. Then there'll be an anecdote of how a popular child of aquaintance became an anorexic, drug addled, extreme terrorist.

Why on earth people do this I don't know.
Does it make people feel better to not believe anyhting can just be as good as it seems?

I think you hit the nail squarely on the head wordfactory in your last sentence.
It makes me want to rip my hair out.

I think people want to believe sometimes that other people don't have it easier than them. It is hard to see others who are having a much easier time in life often through no action or decision they have personally taken.

I come from a very poor background and would have felt exactly the same visiting this school. But you have achieved loads OP and should be justifiably proud of yourself.

Thanks wordfactory yes you're right, I musn't be reactive towards the injustice just proactive and blinking well get on with my hard work!

Someone made reference to studies which have measured success to find that it is weighted towards, good old fashioned hard work and determination, I just feel a bit 'held down', by this pre-existing notions of success and being made of 'good stock'.

Whilst pondering this for the past few days my DP came home this morning to tell me that he noticed, (in the old peoples home he works in), that some of the elderly people there, were once university lecturers/scientists etc and when their families visit, they are covered in diamonds and expensive clothes whilst the old person in the room next door worked in a factory their whole life.

It just made me realise that whatever worldly attainments I accomplish in my younger years, everything is equalised when I'm old any way- the rich people sell their homes in order to move into one room, cared for by staff who are paid £6 per hour, whereas the poor people receive the same care but instaed of paying for the care them selves, are funded by the state.

Bit of a reality check. While these inequalities are present, I need to just enjoy life now, work with what I've been given and not get bogged down by the pros and cons of being born with 'advantage'.

It is easy to open your wallet and buy your children what you deem an appropriate image. (although not sure how many children really enjoy reading broadsheets)

It is most definitely not an easy thing to tackle the advserity you have had thrown at you and survive, let alone come out on top like you have!

Do not be intimidated by appearances of wealth. Ever. You are worth more than that.

The public school I went to was run by priests in a beautiful building set in beautiful grounds. However it was home to many nasty bullies, countless girls with eating disorders, competitive suicide attempts, and drugs and alcohol and underage sex. A lot of this was attention seeking or manipulation of people to get one's own way. Not a pretty sight either way you look at it.
We were told we were the cream of the crop, better than the rest bla bla and arrogance was encouraged. Needless to say I would bever send my children there.

Money cannot buy courage or compassion.

Remember the parents of your charge obviously want the very best for their dc which is why they are considering that school....and why they chose YOU as their nanny. You too must be the best of the best

The problem is that you are juding someone's inside based on their outside - e.g. assuming they are confident, and somehow 'better' than you becuase of where they are, and what they look like. I bet if you met me you'd think I'm pretty confident - I have a degree, a PhD, a good job, the DCs go to a great school etc. But inside I'm pretty nervous sometimes when I meet other parents because my childhood (povery, abuse etc.) had left me feeling of less 'value'.

I remind myself that life dealt me a rubbish hand, but I've played a great game with it! You have as well. Enjoy your course, and be proud,

sponkle - stealth boast - but actually as a child I used to choose to read broadsheets. Still remember going to during the school day in primary a creative writing class for the brightest kids. There were news headlines from broadsheets tacked up and we were supposed to choose one and make up a story about it. I didn't do very well as I actually recognised the stories because I had chosen to read them. I was about 9 or 10.

Across the river from where we live is one of the largest private boy's schools in Australia. My great-uncle taught there for many years and has nothing but good words to say for the place (although not necessarily always for the parents and their offspring). It has many playing fields, a full-size indoor swimming pool as well as a number of outside ones, gardens, lovely old sandstone colonial buildings, a helipad, theatre, a portion of river on which they can practise their rowing, strong sporting tradition, excellent pastoral care, etc etc. I always love driving past it on the way to my grandfather's house. The boys that they turn out are almost always lovely young men. The parents pay upwards of $30,000 each year for them to attend, more if they board. However, it never ranks among the top ten schools for university entrance scores and very few private schools do. Just down the road is the top state selective school in the country, James Ruse, (entrance only by examination in Year 7) where tuition is free and which has consistently topped the entrance rankings in the state for at least the past decade. Most of it's students come from a decidedly average socio-economic, immigrant background. I would have loved to go to a school like the former, we want our kids to go to a school like the latter ;)

I am in awe too OP. I went to Oxbridge from a comp and was bowled over by the confidence of these people and their self-assurance. I work with the product of the private eductation system too and again I see their confidence work to their advantage on a daily basis.

I am now lucky enough to be able to consider sending my own children to such a school and do you know what, I am finding it really hard. If I do this, they will join the "other" that I have always felt in awe of and will no longer be from the same background as me. Wierd I know and I will get over it!

My dad used to say "We all come into this world and all go out of it the same, no one is better than anyone else"

..and you could find any of those things except ' the handmade by a london designer ' uniforms in many state schools.

oh and open days involve lots of window dressing

goosey snap.

I sometimes look at my DC with their self assurance, cut glass aceents and gloss and see all those public school DC I emt at university and in the law and in publishing. And it does seem odd.

But on the other hand it makes me realise that all those people were just ordniary deep down (as are my DC). Just nice ordinary people with nice ordinary lives (albeit advantaged). The polish is great but nothing to feel in awe of. It just helps in life to have it, but it's not the be all and end all iyswim.

"..and you could find any of those things except ' the handmade by a london designer ' uniforms in many state schools."

Really?? The state schools are obviously different where you live.

Maras2 . Nice.

You sound lovely OP.

I went to a school with a uniform stocked only in Harrods too. It was OK, it was fun, but it wasn't amazing.

There is a very thin line between confidence and arrogance, and some people with confidence don't have the emotional insight or emotional intelligence to back it up.

whydontwe The sad reality of this country is that it's getting more and more divisive but the divisions aren't necessarily financial now, they are social. It stinks, it's not right and its enough to make anyone turn into a flaming red communist.

Personally I can't stand the class system in this country, not because I don't understand that people are different, but because it seems that if you're not the polished and privileged, you are pretty much on the scrap heap.

The schools system shows this in the raw. Segregation among children is growing when in a progressive country it should be diminishing.