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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off my parents won't cancel their theatre trip & babysit?

301 replies

lechatnoir · 28/02/2012 20:45

DH & I have been invited to best friend's wedding overseas. We can't afford/didn't want to take our DC so before accepting we spoke to both sets of parents to see if they could babysit DC for the 2 days & 1 night we'd be away. My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel (they go at least once a month if not more & finance wouldn't be the issue) but DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights.

It's now 4 weeks until wedding & MIL called earlier to say she's been put on a waiting list for a minor op that if it went ahead before the wedding (quite possible) would prevent her coming as she can't drive for 6 weeks afterwards & there's no way they can get here any other way. So, I called my parents to explain but they're now saying they can't baby-sit as they're going out. I asked if they could reschedule but they said no. End of conversation. So, we might not be able to go to the wedding & if we do cancel, it could be very short notice so no chance of refunds not to mention very unhappy bride Angry

So AIBU to be totally fucked off that my parents won't cancel some crappy theatre 'do' & help us out?

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 29/02/2012 10:18

I think your parents are BVU. A theatre trip is NOT the same as a good friend's wedding. And particularly if they'd already said they were willing to cancel. Not a set-in-stone promise, but it did set an expectation with you that they would be willing to do this. With 6 weeks to go, surely they can sell their tickets...In return, I hope you make them feel very much appreciated, give them lovely cards and make them feel special on Father's/ Mother's Day.

Anyway, if I were you, I would go with the idea that you take the DC's to their house and arrange a babysitter for the Sat night. It will certainly make them squirm! When you suggest this as an idea, I bet they back down.

MerryMarigold · 29/02/2012 10:19

I don't think she can take kids to wedding a) as they would need to pay for tickets for at least one child and b) they are kipping on a friend's sofa which means there probably wouldn't be room/ it would be rude, to turn up with 2 kids!

cestlavielife · 29/02/2012 10:29

just arrange a baby sitter for when parents are at theatre. simple.

as was said "Get a relief babysitter (at your expense) for the night of their theatre trip."

diddl · 29/02/2012 10:33

OP-have your parents now got other plans as well as the theatre?

Also, if it´s easier for them to get to the theatre from theirs & your children would be there, isn´t it a bit much to assume that they would be happy to have a sitter in their hose whilst they are out?

redskyatnight · 29/02/2012 10:55

OP - do your parents regularly look after the DC for weekends? Because if not, they might be very unhappy with the idea (and the theatre trip is a convenient excuse).

how did you "sell" this to your parents?

Was it:

  1. PiL can't do the babysitting any more, we'd really appreciate it if you could do it?
  2. PiL might not be able to do the babysitting, would you mind being on standby just in case?

Because I'd be hacked off at having to change plans for a "might not".

Triggles · 29/02/2012 11:06

"Anyway, if I were you, I would go with the idea that you take the DC's to their house and arrange a babysitter for the Sat night. It will certainly make them squirm! When you suggest this as an idea, I bet they back down."

Well, that's just charming. And certainly wouldn't make the OP look like she's capable of acting like an adult. If my adult child just showed up at my door with her child, assuming I'd babysit while she flitted off to a social event, she'd have quite a shock when I refused.

News flash! Grandparents have lives, too! They don't just sit around waiting to be utilised for cheap/free babysitting!

kitsmummy · 29/02/2012 11:12

So you'd expect some OAPs to drive 300 miles to you to do babysitting, but you actually going to collect them (to do your babysitting) and then drive them back after the wedding weekend is inconceivable due to the distance Hmm?

I don't really think your parents are being unreasonable. You have other options but you're not willing to do the leg work for them, you expect everyone else to.

OrmIrian · 29/02/2012 11:14

I'd cancel in their place I think. But I'd consider it was a massive favour and I think you are being very unreasonable to be angry about it.

Can you not find a babysitter for the one night in their house?

Triggles · 29/02/2012 11:32

kitsmummy - that's what I thought as well. Nothing like expecting everyone else to bend over backwards, eh?

QuintessentialyHollow · 29/02/2012 11:51

Sorry, I misunderstood, I thought the op said that the fil was just across London, not 300 miles away.

brandysoakedbitch · 29/02/2012 11:58

Of course you are being unreasonable

MerryMarigold · 29/02/2012 12:07

Ermmm Triggles, I wasn't suggesting she turn up on the day with the kids and a babysitter. Obviously this would have to be organised and agreed in advance.

I still the parents are BU. Close family members need to be able to rely on each other and feel supported by each other. In another situation, I would tell the OP she was BU if her parents asked her to house hit for a week during school holidays and she said no because she had a playdate arranged already. Simples.

MerryMarigold · 29/02/2012 12:07

...that would be house-SIT, though she may feel like hitting it after this!

Anonymumous · 29/02/2012 12:26

I just don't understand why the OP thinks that her social life is more important than that of her parents. The amount being spent is irrelevant, as is the nature of the social event. The point is that the OP expects her parents to give up their weekend jolly so that she can go on hers. And then has the cheek to get cross with them when they refuse. Surely that is more than a little unreasonable?

cambridgeferret · 29/02/2012 12:34

I think you're stuffed on this one OP TBH.

The only options are one person going alone, cancelling now and trying to get money back or crossing fingers and hoping the NHS doesn't admit MIL too soon.
Life can be a bitch sometimes.

BTW, all these ideas about not helping out later on when elderly parents need a lift......EPs may bear this in mind when deciding who's the benificiary of their will.

Just a thought.

MrsClown · 29/02/2012 12:36

I agree part of being a parent is helping out. However, my children are all grown up and I dont want responsiblility for their children. I have done my bit. I can understand you being upset though. Can you not change your plan and take your child with you.

Hope it all works out ok for you.

MrsClown · 29/02/2012 12:43

By the way, it might not be some 'crappy theatre do' to your parents, they might be looking forward to it. I remember when it was the millenium new year. My parents were going to babysit for us but got asked out to a function. I didnt mind one bit, though my mum felt awful. I pointed out that they are my children, not hers. She's spent enough nights looking for babysitters etc when I was younger this is her time. Now my kids are grown up I feel exactly the same. It is pure luxury to be able to go out etc without having to worry about the children.

MerryMarigold · 29/02/2012 13:10

Mrsclowm, they go to the theatre all the time apparently so it's not really 'pure luxury' for them, although it sounds like it is pure luxury for the OP to get away, especially to get away somewhere abroad. I think it's REALLY selfish of the parents, but maybe also a bit selfish of the OP. Selfish parents will breed selfish kids I guess.

Anonymumous, of course the nature of the do and the cost, makes a difference. That's just silly. If the OP's parents were refusing to cancel a cruise to babysit, I don't think anyone would say they were BU.

Anonymumous · 29/02/2012 13:20

"What I want to do costs more than what you're doing, so what I'm doing must therefore be more important and you should drop everything to help me..."

Hmmm... sorry MerryMarigold - that is a totally selfish attitude in my book. It is NOT her parents' responsibility to look after her children - it's hers. She's an adult. She chose to have them. She chose not to take them with her to the wedding. Why should her parents take the flak when her plans fall through? It's not their fault at all.

diddl · 29/02/2012 13:23

"but maybe also a bit selfish of the OP".

I think so tbh.

She wouldn´t give up the wedding even though she can´t afford/doesn´t want to take her children.

But now expects her parents to give up their plans-just in case-after previously saying that they didn´t have to.

BoomOoYattaTaTa · 29/02/2012 13:50

Re gp's and babysitting I don't really support the 'they've done their bit' argument.

Yes, I probably would cancel a regular activity to help out in this situation because that's what families do. Well not all maybe. I know my own parents would def not cancel their plans in similar circs, but I don't want to be like that for my adult dc and future grandchildren.

BackforGood · 29/02/2012 13:59

But equally, Boom when you have children, it's your repsonsibility to sort the childcare out, not the Grandparents. Fine, if GPs are willing, and available, why not use GPs, but, in this case, they aren't available, so it's up to the parents to use other childcare. On these threads though it amazes me how many people always chip in with "I wouldn't leave my dcs with strangers" - er, not many people would. You use people you know. If you've really got through this many years (is it 4 the OP said) of parenting, without ever meeting anyone who you could ask to do a bit of babysitting for you, then that's odd you've still got some weeks before you go, in order to ask someone, and then invite them round "to play" with the children first if you are so concerned about the childrens reaction to them.

Ephiny · 29/02/2012 14:00

So I think it comes down to this: YANBU to be disappointed that things haven't gone according to plan. YABU to be 'furious' or 'totally fucked off' with your parents.

ComposHat · 29/02/2012 14:06

YABU - the only person obliged to care for your children is you and your partner.

What may be a 'crappy' theatre trip to you may be a play they've been looking forward to for months.

If you can afford a trip abroad, you can afford to pay a fucking babysitter for one night.

MeltedChocolate · 29/02/2012 14:08

YABVU but you MUST know that really.

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