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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

344 replies

Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:42

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

OP posts:
SaraBellumHertz · 27/02/2012 15:21

People think it is a wind up because no one in their right mind pays for nursery they don't need when they can't afford it.

But you can afford it which makes this entire threa rather pointless no?

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 15:21

@WibblyBibble, our daughter was born by C-Section.

OP posts:
fabwoman · 27/02/2012 15:22

If she was born to be a mother why is she sending the baby for more hours at nursery? Confused

legallyblond · 27/02/2012 15:23

@OP - word from the wise..... I would bow out fairly fast now if I were you....

crashdoll · 27/02/2012 15:24

Why does she want to increase nursery hours if she was born to be a mother? If she wants to be a SAHM, then the nursery HAS to go as you clearly cannot afford it. She sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too.

IainDuncanShit · 27/02/2012 15:27

Your response to wibbly - are you trying to say that a c-section isn't a real birth? That major abdominal surgery isn't serious or painful? Confused

crashdoll · 27/02/2012 15:31

I don't see what giving birth has to do with the price of eggs. This is about a woman insisting on wanting to be a SAHM yet wanting her partner to stump up even more money (which he said he cannot afford) to send the toddler she was 'born to mother' off to nursery for even longer! They made an agreement and she is backing out of it without any real reason as to why.

HoneyandHaycorns · 27/02/2012 15:32

Well, you do sound a bit of an arse, but actually yanbu. She doesn't have a god-given right to be a SAHP while you go out to work, and the two of you need to negotiate a mutually agreeable way forward.

You'll probably get further with this by talking to her about it than posting on here Wink but if she refuses to have the discussion, then she is BVU and I guess you have a decision to make - either suck it up, or walk away. But even if you walk away, you will still have to support your child financially, so it would be in both your interests to reach a compromise.

Mind you, it sounds like there is no respect on either side in this relationship, so you might be better walking away after all.

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 15:34

Actually, I really feel for the OP. Firstly - she's gone back on their agreement, and secondly, I'd be bloody pissed off if I was paying for my child to be in nursery whilst the SAHP was having coffee with yummy mummies Hmm

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 15:37

Here we go.... the man gets the battering as usual. Do you think it would be acceptable were it the other way around? The mother works outside the home full time, and it's ok for her to be paying for nursery fees while the SAHD has a couple of hours off every day to play xBox? I think not!

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 15:37

@Legallyblonde. Thanks for the advice. Bowing out. All the best x

OP posts:
undercoverPrincess · 27/02/2012 15:48

@lynniep - now i'm totally confused :-o

toomanycakestomake · 27/02/2012 15:52

Eugh, you sound like an arse and a vile husband. particularly the way you refer to your child as 'the kid'.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 27/02/2012 15:55

AbbyAbsinthe virtually everyone has said it's not acceptable this way round, so I'm not sure where you see the man-bashing?

LineRunner · 27/02/2012 15:56

To me it comes across as a wind up to me because the OP expresses no affection whatsoever (it seems to me) for his child or his partner.

LineRunner · 27/02/2012 15:57

I think I may have added one too many 'to me'.... Smile

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 27/02/2012 15:58

There is a bit of a problem with the OP's slightly twattish way of expressing the situation, but I think we are mostly able to see past that?

Gribble · 27/02/2012 16:02

somethings not right no shit sherlock

You are saying it will now be a struggle, mat leave is 12 months in totaL, and she has been off for 16, and she has now only jusT decided she doesnt want to go back Confused

Surely you knew she wasnt going back at 12 months?? She must have told work she had quit??

Gribble · 27/02/2012 16:04

not sure why he is getting a bashing for "the kid" tho. I call my DCs "the kiddies" as that is what they are.

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 16:05

Boulevard - I can't find the post now - I'm also at work Wink - but there was something about him not understanding her situation as she was the one that suffered excruciating pain pushing a baby out of her vagina, and all that jazz. And then when he mentioned that she'd had a section, he was jumped on for that as well!

I know most people are in agreement on this thread. And fwiw, I do think the OP is coming across as a little bit of a twat Wink. But in principle, he is right.

SaraBellumHertz · 27/02/2012 16:05

If the wife hates her job and will earn less than nursery fees, which judging from her being on a low income and them living in London she will then her going back to work will cost the OP even more which makes his point moot.

He is trying to start a fight.

bibbityisaporker · 27/02/2012 16:07

Yabu for saying that having a c-section does not damage a person's body.

Pozzled · 27/02/2012 16:07

You're saying that when your child getsthe free nursery funding, you will struggle to make ends meet? But you can cope now? Again, I don't understand how that can be.

You may have a genuine point here, and I would guess you're trying not to give too much away, but you can't expect posters to respond sensibly If you're not prepared to engage and answer questions.

I still say that if you're unhappy with the situation you need a frank conversation with your DP. But you need to be clear about what the problem is- is it finances? Is it that your DP gets more free time than you? Is it that you feel taken for granted? Either way, talk to her.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 16:09

I dont think the OP is being unreasonable at all. I know quite a few of my husband's mates who have found themselves in almost the same situation.