to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

[Zealey]

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

Yabu for saying that having a c-section does not damage a person's body.

Where did the OP say that?

And in any case, WTF does giving birth have to do with the decision to SAH or WOH? I had a c-section, but don't regard it as a license not to contribute equally to family life.

Nothing about the OP has flashed up my troll radar.

My ds is 3 in April. As he misses the cut off for a funded place by 16 days (grr!) he isn;t going to nursery till Sept.

I am a sahm out of agreement as we have 3 children & childcare for 2 in the holidays was expensive enough without a 3rd.

Is your dp depressed? I am wondering why your child is in nursery for 2 hours 5 days a week.

Toddler groups & going to the park will happen though if you're a sahm. And being a sahm isn't always a walk in the park either.

Try & talk to her. Ask her why she isn't going back to work. Your child is settled in nursery & would therefore ne no problems settling when your dp goes back to work.

I'll be honest, wouldn't even occur to me to put my child in paid for childcare if I wasn't working!

I posted a while back with the reverse situation - DP is SAHD but DS is in nursery 2 days a week (and goes to sports centre creche as well!)
MN conclusion was that DP was cocklodger waste of space etc... obviously i didn't realise that giving birth gave a completely different answer...

Youre not skint! Dont believe a word of it. When my first was born i was very ill for the first few years but couldnt afford to pay for even an hours childcare even though i was desperate and not coping at all . . . now THAT is skint.

If you were really skint you would have used the nursery one or two days a week, not everyday!

Having a free house to live in will massively reduce your out goings so youd have to be earning a seriously piss poor wage to struggle as you make out you are.

I suspect that you are not that poor but are having trouble adjusting to having a bit less to spend on luxuries or whatever and so you blame your wife. Who by the sounds of it hasnt coped that well the last 16 months.

You resent her lifestyle that is clear. Two hours goes very quickly though you know. How many of those days does she spend cleaning and shopping ironing and running errands etc (bet some of them are yours) and how many doing things for herself like swimming?

Its a shame that you see no value in the job she does as a mum and that you see no benefit in her being with you daughter during the day. You havent actually mentioned that at all . . . just gone on about how tough you have it and how lazy she is. You sound rather like a spoilt child and i wonder if thats why she wont discuss it with you . . . she knows theres no point.

Glad to hear c sections involve no excruciating pain or long recovery times!

He didn't say that.

And, tomverlaine - precisely my point.

TOMVER your situation sounds different if only for the fact that with the child in nursery for two full days he could go out to work. Try fitting a job into two hours!

I agree the OP sounds a bit resentful and petulant. But I can't say I entirely blame him. The baby is 16m old so there is no reason for his partner not to go back to work - apart from the fact that she doesn't want to. Well, guess what! Lots of people would rather not, but have to. And because of this unilateral decision the family will be short of money - and whether you think that is a problem depends I think of whether you;ve ever experienced it. Worrying about money can take over your life.

I'd be feeling resentful and petulant if I felt I had been railroaded into a position I didn't want to occupy,

This subject needs to be discussed. And it may well end up being clear that both parents working full-time isn't going to be worthwhile fi you factor in childcare costs. In which case you can decide between you who is going to wrk, or whether one or both of you work parttime. It shouldn't be a fait accompli just because one partner says it is.

Orm there is a very good reason for the OP's wife not going back to work and that is her income v the cost of child care.

I simply do not believe that someone on a "low income" can earn enough to pay FT London nursery fees.

I dont think its that though ORM. Theres a good chance that her wages wouldnt cover the nursery fees so there would be no benefit in her returning to work right now.

I think the op is just resentful unappreciative and jealous. I bet he knows they wont be any or much better off if she goes back to work but like a spoilt child would want her to go back anyway. Just so that he doesnt feel so hard done by . . . because of course providing childcare is so easy especially for a mum who hasnt been coping.

As I said, there should still be discussion on the subject. And the possibility looked into that perhaps there is a different way of doing this than the OP working full-time and the mother not working at all.

How would you feel if you had been pushed into that situation and then told the goal posts had been moved?

Sara you are right. I earn an ok wage but with the cost of travelling to work and work clothes etc i would actually make a loss in london where i live if i were to pay nursery as well.

His c section comment was completely irrelevant, and was intended as a come back to the comment about his wife having had to go through labour.

He sounds like he doesn't like his wife very much.

I don't think the OP is being at all unreasonable. She's gone back on the agreement without any room for negotiation. She said she'd return to work and she's simply refusing to consider any means by which she could do this. If she's "born to be a mother" she can look after the child f/t. She sounds like a freeloader to me and I don't blame him for being pissed off. I'd like to know why he's doing the cooking if she gets two child free hours a day while he's working.

Orm I think its unfair to say the op was pushed into having a child. He made a decision of his own free will and needs to deal with whatever that brings. As for the goal posts being moved . . . i would roll with the punches so to speak as that is what all parents have to do.

They dont have a mortgage or rent so realistically you are filthy rich compared with most people with small children.

Op - has your DP thought about retraining as it seems she can't stand get job or at least going part-time?

needs to deal with whatever that brings

including the dishonesty of his partner?

Agree with orm.

Yanbu

She is looking after the child. The nursery is very part time.

OP you need to talk realistically about this. If money is the issue then fair enough. I am disliking your tone about being a Sahm being easy peasy, though.

I understand your resentment that the goal posts eem to have changed, but unless you start from a position of valuing what she does then this discussion will go badly

Ilovesooty what dishonesty? rolling with the punches means realising that you might not know how you are going to feel after the baby comes and dealing with unexpected things like the mother not coping well. was she being dishonest not to be able to predict her feelings or by not coping? things which happen to many parents.

I wonder whether she had pnd?

Oh FFS she hasnt been "dishonest" she has changed her mind. Lots of women do after they've actually had a baby.

This whole discussion is pointless without the OP confirming what his wife earns and the cost of childcare. Which he won't because it'll show him up for the arse he is.

Original he clearly does not value it.

she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise

Changing your mind is one thing. refusal to discuss or renegotiate a previously discussed arrangement is dishonest in my view.

But 'changing her mind' is not a valid reason if the results are financially problematic.

If she has severe PND I could understand that there is more in play than merely not wanting to go back to work. But the OP hasn't said that. Finding it difficult does not neccessarily = PND.

I agree that we don't know all the whys and wherefores, and the sums may well not work out, and I also think the OP's tone is a bit off. But I take issue with the assumption that a woman can just decide unilaterally that she will just stay at home with a child and that's OK because she's a mother, and the other partner just has to suck it up.