to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

[Zealey]

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

I read through and not once thought yabu

It sounds shitty of her, YANBU

Yeah probably but he's a real man so he can take it... and hell would freeze over before he fantacised about being a SAHD.

It sounds like you feel very trapped OP? Your DW going to work and then seeing all of her wages go back out on childcare wouldn't improve your financial situation or get you nearer to your dream but perhaps then you would feel less alone in your struggle?

I can't imagine this is doing much good for your intimate relations either as it seems that your partner might want more DC and you feel in no way ready for more responsibility.

Well you'd have £950 in hand immediately to add to the 'slush fund'. Even if you were renting a smaller place elsewhere for £500, you'd have £450 to put away. You'd be looking at a decent income in no time from that.

So SAHDs aren't "real men"? What a peculiar POV.

Your wife wants to be a housewife, not a stay at home mum, because when there's no child in the house you're not doing the actual job of parenting.

Given that all mums are mum 100% of the time whether they work or not, as a SAHM (rather than a housewife) I look on my role as childcare provider, and if there's no child, and we're struggling financially (or even if we're not but all the burdern is on DH) then I should work.

Unfortunately reality is not as straight forward as that. Because my youngest child is only away from home between 9am and 11.30am. Try getting a job for 2 1/2 hours a day. (The reason I am a SAHM is partly choice, partly a wish to avoid childcare... my choice, there's no right or wrong) Even if I could, well my DH would still have to do the same hours, because there's no way he'd be able to reduce them.

I agree with whitetrash if being a mum is her absolute vocation, if she loves it so much, if you, as a family unit are finding it a stretch to afford nursery fees on top of all the other household bills, then either your wife has to stop the nursery, or get a job.

Please though, even though YANBU, don't dismiss how full on and hard work being a SAHM can be... okay, coffee mornings (you get a coffee break I assume) lunch (same), a timetable that's guided by a small person's needs... all lovely, all perks of the unpaid job... but we don't get sick pay, holiday pay, any pay, the day starts early and finishes late. I've had 'real' jobs too, and in some ways, this is the hardest because we're not stinking filthy rich and cannot afford luxuries (not complaining, our choice).

YADNBU! A child is a joint commitment and you should both be trying to provide for it as best you can. If she wants to bea mummy full time then that doesnt mean sticking it in nursery and doing house stuff. Fine if you can afford it but if not she should get a job and help support her DP - why should he be doing all the work.

I'm starting to worry that butterfingerz is the OP's DP!

butterfingerz is the OP's editor wanting the thread to liven up a bit before the 11pm for the reaction-to-Panorama deadline.

Eurostar having read all of this I was just wondering the same...

Your partner would probably have gone back to work if you were seriously having financial trouble. It does not sound like you are as you have no rent or mortgage to pay and you are paying for your "kid" to go to nursery. You only have a right to be annoyed if you told your dp that you could definitely not afford nursery every day and she still went ahead with it.

I don't really understand this point of view tbh. Of course things change, and zealey's DP might not have known how she would feel till she had the baby, but I think the OP still has every right to be annoyed at his partner's assumption that he will bankroll her lifestyle choices - regardless of whether he can afford to or not.

What if he suddenly decided, without any consultation, that he was going to quit his job and stay at home. Would his DP have a right to be annoyed? You bet she would, so why any different for the OP?

As for butterfingerz - I am genuinely confused. Is she for real or is she being ironic?

Good point about the coffee break aldi.

I guess the grass is always greener. Personally I would hate to be a SAHM (even though I was one for a while, not out of choice and found it really hard. )

Going out to work is energising for me (if knackering because I do the childcare, the housework, shopping, cleaning and bring in moneyas a LP) so I find it weird when men sometimes say
"Oh she's fannying about having lovely coffee mornings and going to playgroups" when, If I had had the choice, I would have been the one at work, and had a lovely partner to do all the grunt work of parenting and making my dinner for me for when I got home
You need to have very clearly defined roles I think, and to have empathy with each other.

I think if money is tight you could look to give up the nursery place and have wife look after toddler full time. Yes this could mean attending coffee mornings and drinking tea sometimes. Don't you get a daily hour off at lunch times and fag breaks? Anyway back to the matter in hand. What is best for the kid? I wouldn't be happy for a nursery to raise my kid.

@butterfingerz. Sure, he sounds like a charming fellow, and I'm sure he doesn't pistol-whip you on a friday night if his dinner isn't ready when he gets home from the pub all liquored-up on his massive masculinity either? Jeez

I don't think butterfingerz is really worth getting worked up about. She's obviously being deliberately provocative.

Just read you have not rent or mortgage!!!!! That means life must be much easier financially and there is a choice about what you can do. What does the child need? What will give your child a balanced steady bonded start to life? Why don't you value child rearing?

In case anyone is interested I've got to sign off now because I'm going to spend some quality time with my partner. But I'll check back in the morning if I'm able so please keep the positive comments, the constructive comments, the comments I disagree with and respect and the predictable bitterness haters ;)
Thanks.

Don't you get a daily hour off at lunch times

My official lunch break is half an hour and I'm lucky if I get that.

You're dreaming of the life that my student sons will take up. YANBU for expecting DP to pull her weight,but you must have both taken on parenthood far too young. Calling yourself a SAHM doesn't cut it,when you send your 16 month child to nursery,and don't work. I do take your side in this OP,but you are both being unrealistic.

Just an aside, but why does the issue of coffee breaks/fag breaks/lunch breaks seem to come up in every discussion about SAHPs/WOHPs? I really don't get why it's relevant!

Fwiw, I don't get coffee breaks in work & never have had them - I get in five minutes early to make a drink and then take it to my desk. Lunch is a ten-minute affair at my desk, usually taken while reading e-mails. And I don't smoke so no fag breaks. Tbh, I don't know anyone in my office who takes a lunchbreak - legally, we have to record that we have taken one, but we all know if we did, we'd just be going home later in the day.

On the positive side, I do get to go to the toilet on my own

Apologies for the thread hijack!

X post with ilovesooty

Honeyandhaycorns- hear hear! Its hilarious when you see people banging on about how going to work is easy in comparison with the hard grind of staying at home. Coffee breaks, leisurely lunches are always mentioned- and I've even seen people claim that the daily commute is some sort of tranquil 'time off' !
Yeah right!!

Ilovesooty I'm not saying my choice is harder by any means, there's pros and cons, but for the record (and because I like Monty Python's Yorkshiremen sketch) half an hour? You're lucky, I'm lucky if I get a snot covered bite of a butty.

Apologies honeyandhaycorns it crops up usually in response to the old line about coffee mornings and long lunches with friends! Both equally as much bollocks as the other, I shouldn't have risen to it.

I guess its the dismissal I find offensive, it makes me stabby. The same when someone says "You're lucky, you get to go out of the house every day, you know when you'll start and when you'll stop, you get paid" etc., dismissal is offensive. I know I work hard, I know DH works hard.

Its actually getting boring now that my youngest is nearing school age. It won't be continuing when both children, and husband are 'at work'... I never had any desire to be a houewife. But being a SAHM has been fucking brilliant (for us) and also hard in many ways, and certainly not to be dismissed.

Oh come on now - I've done both, and I'm 100% certain which one is easier. I work fucking hard as well - but I'd still rather do that than stay at home all day, it's hateful.

I.M.O.