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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

344 replies

Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:42

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 27/02/2012 20:23

Im off due to being convinced by the ops tone that hes an arsehole!

ArtexMonkey · 27/02/2012 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 20:30

@oldladyknows - thanks. I meant it light-heartedly, but without wishing to start trolling, my issue with Gluestickseverywhere was making it personal saying she pity my wife and she herself, yes she the mighty Gluestickseverywhere would not choose to have a child with me. Oh boo-hoo, guess I'm really missing out there ;)

OP posts:
frankie3 · 27/02/2012 20:32

YABU

Having a baby together is not a Contract. Many people change their minds about things when they have huge life changes. Your partner would probably have gone back to work if you were seriously having financial trouble. It does not sound like you are as you have no rent or mortgage to pay and you are paying for your "kid" to go to nursery. You only have a right to be annoyed if you told your dp that you could definitely not afford nursery every day and she still went ahead with it.

butterfingerz · 27/02/2012 20:39

Zealot, sorry Zealey, damn iPhone!

Why don't you get a proper job then and stop whinging? It's a fathers job to provide for his family, man up! Maybe you're as guilty as your DP for seeing her as a paycheck.

Or do a runner, maybe David Cameron could do a better job of looking after your family.

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 20:43

LOL @ butterfingerz Grin

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 20:55

@butterfingerz - I genuinely don't understand your post, please clarify. Are you saying it's ok for her to see ME as a paycheck?

OP posts:
Eurostar · 27/02/2012 21:00

How would you like your future to look OP?

Are you married by the way?

butterfingerz · 27/02/2012 21:07

So what if she does, from now until retirement you are a bloody paycheck whether you like it or not...

Look around you darling, that's what men do, you bring in the bacon...

You don't even have a mortgage or rent to pay!?!

What is your problem again?

Oh sorry, you wanna sit around and drink latte all day like your DP, who would you drink it with? The other men that should be working for their families.

Thank god my man isn't a fanny like you.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 27/02/2012 21:08

Am I being thick or isn't nursery covered? (I don't live in the UK). If it is, and there's no money being put towards nursery fees, doesn't it change up the argument a bit? (Sorry if this has been gone over in the earlier part of the thread).

Also, are you planning to have another DC? If you are, what arrangements do you think you might make for that child?

I still think the best plan is for the two of you to collect receipts for a month (we do this), write down what you spend, and see what money is going for what, and who need to earn what to cover your lifestyle.

Sorry if this sounds a bit simplistic, but I think starting from the basics might be worth a try?

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 21:10

@Eurostar. I'd like to have enough money to be able to travel with my partner and our DD, maybe teaching English as a foreign language (TEFL) in amazingly beautiful places in the world. I'd like to get over this hump with her, and reignite what brought us together in the first place - the fact she is ffing sexy inside and out. The fact our DD could grow to be a self-confident and happy person through her travelling experiences around the world. Enough money to not have to do the things we hate and enough love to not have to get bogged down in painful conversations borne out of a lack of money.
Simple dreams of the future... I hope...

OP posts:
Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 21:11

@Eurostar... should've added, no we are not married.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 27/02/2012 21:12

Could you try talking to your partner about the possibility of her seeking work for 1-2 days per week? 16-20 hours with a childminder wouldn't be much more than 10 hours at Nursery, would it? I do think you need to talk to each other. This resentment isn't doing any of you any good.

Eurostar · 27/02/2012 21:13

What's the going rate for rental for a house in Holloway these days? I seem to remember that someone I know was paying about 3k a month.

I have a solution for you OP - take your 36k a year from rental, move the family out to a small flat in a far cheaper area, get a part-time job to keep your hand in and enjoy bringing up your DC...

Eurostar · 27/02/2012 21:14

sorry, just read your post... why not rent out your house and go travelling now then?

garlicbutter · 27/02/2012 21:14

Well, I think butterfingerz has shown us the 1950s view of family roles, in case anybody was still in doubt.

garlicbutter · 27/02/2012 21:16

I do like Euro's suggestion :)

It's brilliant!

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 21:16

@Butterfingerz - you sound so angry. I imagine your man probably isn't a fanny, but with a ballbuster like you he must certainly be pussy-whipped ;)

OP posts:
Pumpster · 27/02/2012 21:19

So how much does nursery cost you atm? And didn't you start a thread about childcare costs?

NonnoMum · 27/02/2012 21:19

Zealey - this isn't for real, right?

"I wasn't fussed about having children"

"the kid"

Are you really referring to your beautiful baby in that way?

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 27/02/2012 21:22

I've just seen that Pumpster

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/going_back_to_work/1415913-Childcare-costs-are-incredible-how-do-so-many-women-afford-to-work?pg=4

Perhaps it's research.

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 21:23

@Eurostar. That is a good idea, I'll look into it tomorrow. BTW, I should've been more honest: it's only a flat in Holloway, but we could still get about £950 a month for it. But it isn't as simple as that, the flat is real old and we can't afford to do it up. (I'm not moaning as I really how fucking lucky I am to have it) but to rent it out there is so much that'll go wrong with it, if we are away there is no 'slush fund' to pay for repairs from broken cooker to leaky roof or electrics).

OP posts:
butterfingerz · 27/02/2012 21:23

1950s or 2012, who gives a shit. Why is ok for men to have become so infantile while women pick up the slack in order to provide for their families? God, women truly have to do it all these days, is that equality?

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 21:24

@Pumpster. Yes that was a thread I started this afternoon. I wanted to know how people afforded childcare when I AM FINDING IT SO TOUGH

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/02/2012 21:25

Where did the OP or anyone else suggest that the woman should "do it all"?

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