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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

344 replies

Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:42

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 27/02/2012 18:20

Considering he only posted at lunchtime, then said around 3pm he'd better get off Mumsnet as at work, isn't it a bit soon to assume he's flounced and/or retired giggling?

YANBU in my opinion, either, Zealey. I agree with the many replies pointing out that possession of a vagina doesn't entitle one to waft around at home all day, especially if you're doing your fair share of the home stuff. I think you need to go a bit gently with her though. Shared responsibilities and all that ... Have you spent much time alone with your daughter? Perhaps the missus feels she is doing too much as things are; small children are a full-time job and you don't get to clock off in the evening.

Good luck with this. It would be nice to hear how things go!

LineRunner · 27/02/2012 19:13

OP says he's off.

If the genders were reversed....

and a woman came on here saying she wasn't that bothered about having the 'kid', was lacking in affection about the child's other parent and all their efforts, was acting resentful about cooking ...

Yeah, she'd get a really easy ride.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 27/02/2012 19:31

Originaljamie . . . yes i would imagine this is how he is with his wife.

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 19:36

Finished work now, so had time to bath our DD and put her to bed. I've enjoyed reading the comments in the break, some totally judgmental (which says more about the commentor's personal unhappiness), some genuinely fair, others really generous and helpful.
Thanks for all of them.
I'd just like to point out, now I have a glass of wine in my hand, that my partner is a lovely person who I deeply care for, it is just this one issue of the unfairness of it all that the dice seems always to be loaded in the mother's favour when it comes to any sacred issue involving what's best for the child, and the father is just a simpleton who could never hope to understand the complexity.
I'm happy to provide for my little family, but I just resent the implication that she can have it all and if I complain then I'm somehow innately sexist, brutish or being unreasonable. I know parenthood is not business (thank god) but breaking a contract after you've got what you want seems unfair in any sphere of existance.
Zealey x

OP posts:
LineRunner · 27/02/2012 19:42

Have you shown her the thread?

callmemrs · 27/02/2012 19:45

Yes, entirely agree. You are equal parents, and there is no more reason why she should get to swan about choosing how she spends her time, than you should. I think you need to sit down and spell things out. Tell her you want to go part time and share earning and caring responsibilities. She's taking the piss at the moment and not only is that unfair on you, but it's also not a great role model for your child, to see one parent choosing the life style they want at the expense of the other parent

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 19:46

@LineRunner. No, like I say, now I have a glass of wine in hand and it's all gone silent upstairs, I think it would be unnecessarily provocative. I was just glad of the insight from a group of random 'mums' to see if I was being an arse or whether she had a case to answer too.

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 27/02/2012 19:46

I find it bizaar for it to be referred to as breaking a contract. What a strange way to think about starting a family.

Is there no part of you which is able to see that a persons feelings might change aftet having a baby? That what seemed a good idea before the baby was born doesnt afterwards?

Do you have no flexibilty at all and no tolerance for change?

callmemrs · 27/02/2012 19:58

Don't you think a Fathers feelings might change after having a baby too?? Maybe he doesn't want to be seen as cash machine, simply there to finance her desire to stay home.
I can't be doing with this notion that just because you have a vagina you're allowed to choose to do what you want, and if you have a penis you bankroll it.

The ops child is 16 months, well past the age when the mother could have returned to work after maternity leave. Why should she be allowed to make the decision to stop earning unilaterally? That's not a partnership- its a dictatorship i

GlueSticksEverywhere · 27/02/2012 20:00

Further more to that do you have the rest of your lives mapped out in this fashion . . .

will stay in current job until nov 2015
will buy new car only in the month of october
wifey will get a new haircut in one years time
dc will learn to hula hoop next christmas eve

. . . i honestly couldnt live with the lack of flexibility and being held to an agreement she made probably about 3 years ago now, before she even realised what she was getting into.

In her shoes if you had tried to tie me to such an inflexible agreement i would have chosen not to have a child with you.

Life isnt like this. Things change and you need to be able to change with them.

Your bitchy comment about the commentors personal happiness gives a good snap shot of what you are like and i can see why she doesnt wish to discuss things with you.

Mn on the othet hand will very often have opinions you dont agree with . . . its best not to act bratty about it. I am glad there were some posts you liked but dare say they were the ones agreeing with you.

Btw what does you wife earn when shes working? Not that i expect you to be honest about it now.

YuleingFanjo · 27/02/2012 20:01

op, how many times have you bowed out of the thread now?

fwiw - I think yanbu but as often happens in relationships you both failed to discuss the reality of having a family. Yourr mistake is having a baby when you didn't really want to.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 27/02/2012 20:06

The thing is, for the vast majority of the mums on here, not working AND having your child in nursery is an unimaginably extravagant luxury.

So from our POV, you came on here saying, 'we are skint and DW refuses to go back to work, but we can afford to waste money on unnecessary childcare'.

Hence all the Confused and Hmm

You are currently running the house and funding said childcare on a single salary. So ditch the nursery, wife gets to stay at home, frees up some cash, everyone's happy.

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 20:08

@Poostickseverywhere 'In her shoes if you had tried to tie me to such an inflexible agreement i would have chosen not to have a child with you.'

The feeling is quite mutual. You don't sound like a very happy person. :(

OP posts:
kitsmummy · 27/02/2012 20:08

Jeez, the Op is now getting slated for bowing out - perhaps he has a life and cannot spend hours non-stop on MN?

Op, yanbu and I'm not surprised you're particularly pissed off with her. If you had been the one to suddenly decide you no longer want to work and be a SAHD and your wife had to go back full time, I don't think you'd be hearing many supportive comments from people here.

Tell your DW that she needs to either go back to work or to drop the nursery hours at the very least.

Oh and the assumptions about it not being worth the DW working due to nursery fees - you can't just make up assumptions to back up your argument - no-one knows how much DW earnt - £25k is a low income to many people yet I imagine it would probably cover nursery fees.

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 20:12

I was advised to bow out by a wise poster who said I was inviting a vaginal-jihad upon myself by not towing the party line. I took that advice. But I just wanted to come back to thank everyone who offered constructive comments.

OP posts:
callmemrs · 27/02/2012 20:13

The op said he's low waged, so even if the woman hasn't got a great earning capacity, it's perfectly reasonable for them to both work part time and share earning and caring .

Like kits mummy says, it a guy came on, saying since becoming a dad he wanted to ditch work, and choose to do as he wants all day, while wife has to work full time to fund it- there would be uproar.

Whatever happened to equality? Or are some people really stuck in some 1950s timewarp?

GlueSticksEverywhere · 27/02/2012 20:13

Oh dont worry i had guessed the unhappy person comment was aimed at me . . . i disagree with you and you dont like that.

Your poor wife . . .

rhondajean · 27/02/2012 20:16

I think zealey is right.

There was an agreement between the two of them and she reneged on it.

I'd like to see MN react if a female poster said her male partner decided to give up work and it sent them into financial hardship, and didnt consilt her, he would be called feckless, thoughtless, manipulative, controlling..lBut regardless of their financial situation, they had an agreement and one of them has no right to decide to change that without the others agreement.

It's totally irrelevant who have birth as when she decided to get pregnant, unless she is sorely lacking In basic Education she knew that was down to her to do, and also, not everyone has a horrible time giving birth and physical and emotional trauma to live on for years, some of us get on with it just fine, so whoever is going on about that, please stop presuming to speak for all of us.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 27/02/2012 20:17

Actually its rather bizaar to announce that someone must be an unhappy person just because they dont share your opinions!

ilovesooty · 27/02/2012 20:17

its best not to act bratty about it. I am glad there were some posts you liked but dare say they were the ones agreeing with you

I don't think he's "acted bratty". He made a point of offering thanks for all comments.

As for the dig about only acknowledging posts which agreed with him (which I don't think he has), plenty of AIBU posters do that.

OriginalJamie · 27/02/2012 20:19

I find the way you refer to her strange.
And I find your use of the term vaginal jihad even worse.

To coin a phrase, I'm off. All sympathy gone, mate.

ilovesooty · 27/02/2012 20:20

I'd like to see MN react if a female poster said her male partner decided to give up work and it sent them into financial hardship, and didnt consilt her, he would be called feckless, thoughtless, manipulative, controlling

Espicially if the child was at nursery two hours a day and said father used the time to amuse himself with his friends.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 27/02/2012 20:20

The bratty comment was due to him referring to the posters unhappiness . . . of the posts he doesnt agree with that is.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/02/2012 20:21

I thought "vaginal jihad" was quite funny, actually! Grin

ilovesooty · 27/02/2012 20:21

especially Blush