aibu to think that if a man wishes to marry you he'll propose?

[clicarhel]

I'm not talking about the thousands of long-term couples who have a heart-to-heart and decide to get married as a sensible option and to have a nice 'icing-on-the-cake' wedding here.

I mean younger couples with no dc's. Isn't really a case in these situations that if a man really wishes marriage, he'll propose and women who actually do the asking are just forcing the issue when they guy doesn't really want to be married to them (or at least not yet)?

My friend proposed to her now husband, as she was fed up of waiting. Turned out he'd already bought a ring but hadn't yet plucked up the courage. They are now happy with three kids.

I don't see why, nowadays, the onus should still be on the man to propose.

So, only the man gets to make the decision because the woman can't think for herself and it's taken for granted that she wants to get married? YABU if that's what you're suggesting, though I have to say I don't see why you'd particularly care.

DH and I have friends who were together for 10 years before she proposed. He accepted and they are now happily married with 2 kids...

It can work....but I wouldn't have waited for that long.

I agree. Be prepared for the onslaught of militant feminists, though.

YABU

Did I mistakenly get into a Delorian this morning rather than My VW Golf?

I think in these days of equality it should be a joint decision. After you have been going out for a while one or other of you asks about the long term future of the relationship marriage kids etc.
Expecting the man to call the shots and make all the decisions is fine if you want him to be in control in your relationship, but it's no good moaning that he is controlling later if you have let him control things earlier.

actually I take that back. If a man wishes to marry you he will propose. If a woman wishes to marry you she will propose. But I think you are saying that women shouldn't, which is a bit silly isn't it.

And meh to your talk of militant feminists. Christ.

It's nothing to do with control. We are all free to refuse to get married, thank god.

DH asked me to marry him (after 15 months of dating). We'd discussed being together for the long term before ..so he will have known I was open to the idea!

Is he controlling? Not a bit of it...I am strong...we are equals and have a very positive relationship...thank you very much!

Just because we have traditional views on proposing does not make him a controlling buzzard...or mean that he makes all the decisions! Why should there be a corrolation?

But why should a woman wait for a man to be ready and to propose? Why can't they have a discussion about it, decide jointly etc?

(That was for the OP.)

and NO I am not against women proposing....but for me...I wanted to be asked (rather than do the asking).

kaloo

I reckon most couples do just that (discuss it beforehand)...and then one or the other ends up proposing (usually the man).

I needed a visa so I couldn't wait around for him to ask. If I had, I might still be waiting 10 years on.

it means more to some people than others, and I don't see why one gender should have the monopoly to be the chooser rather than the chosen.

I think that -for whatever reason(s)- it is the norm for men to propose. It is expected of them to propose marriage if they want to get married. If they don't do it, I just think that they don't want to marry their partner and the woman (IF) proposing marriage to him is not realising this obvious fact.

Sweet F.A. to do with control.

If a man wants to do all the 'get on on one knee and produce the ill fitting, not what the bride to be would have chosen in a million years ring' and the woman loves attention and surprise, fine.

A lot of couples do decide together by talking to one another and choosing a ring together, (or not choosing a ring at all)

If a woman wants to marry a man she can ask him surely? If he doesn't want to, he can say no.
Just as a woman can say no to a man.

You're implying that by asking a man you are forcing the issue.
So YABU.

Deciding jointly is fine. See opening post.

Shirley . My thoughts exactly.

Come on OP, do you really think that's the only reason a man might not have got round to proposing yet? Men aren't a completely different species to us you know, they can actually have similar emotions and thought processes to us - really they can. They can feel insecure and worry that their girlfriend may say no, they may feel they have to save up for some big wedding, they may be waiting for the exact perfect time.

YABU and talking bollocks.

It's got loads to do with control.
Look at the history of engagement/marriage etiquette and read a few Jane Austin books. :( and you'll see why.

Not sure if you are BU or not.
If a woman wants to get married are you saying she shouldn't propose?
Why is it up to the man?

Yes, a lot of the time, if a man wishes to get married he'll propose.
But fwiw, no, sometimes they won't propose even though they want to marry you.

I knew my dh wanted to get married but I also knew that he wasn't sure about the proposal. Mainly as it would be a second marriage for me and whilst he quite liked the classic 'ask the Father, get down on one knee' job, he knew I had already had that before.
Whilst he was wondering about it - I asked him. He was dead chuffed, said yes, we got engaged, we got married. Simples.

"and women who actually do the asking are just forcing the issue when they guy doesn't really want to be married to them"

And vice versa.

What if the man wants to get married but is too scared to propose yet because he is worried the woman might say no? Or are you implying that all women want to get married so when the man proposes he can be 100% certain she will say yes? I am sorry OP but I don't think what you have said makes sense at all.

"no sense"