Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

aibu to think that if a man wishes to marry you he'll propose?

136 replies

clicarhel · 27/02/2012 12:44

I'm not talking about the thousands of long-term couples who have a heart-to-heart and decide to get married as a sensible option and to have a nice 'icing-on-the-cake' wedding here.

I mean younger couples with no dc's. Isn't really a case in these situations that if a man really wishes marriage, he'll propose and women who actually do the asking are just forcing the issue when they guy doesn't really want to be married to them (or at least not yet)?

OP posts:

BettyPerske · 27/02/2012 17:02

I dunno.

I think it depends on the situation and the man and the woman and what sort of relationship they have.

I've only been asked once when I was about 20 and he asked me, but we split up soon after that. There was not a proper ring or anything. It was something we both knew we would say yes to, but the intention wasn't a match for the sad differences in our ways of life.

Anyway fast forward 18 years, I'm now with a man who is utterly traditional and wants to make the decisions about, well, nearly everything...which tbh I find strangely reassuring...and I know that if it's ever going to happen, he will want to be the one asking, because he will already be thinking about that particular decision and I know I can count on him to do it if he actually likes me that much to want to marry me.

So I'm sort of just, well, not bothered unless/until he decides he fancies getting hitched. I've no particular desire to apart from to be able to say I've been married - or am married - by the time I'm 40 which tbh is not looking likely

and that's only because I feel like there's something wrong with me for never having been loved that much. iyswim.

I'm being frank here, I know a lot of it is probably 19th century twaddle on my part but it's just how I feel at the moment.
I have no problem with anyone proposing to anyone if it seems like it would fit their dynamic.

BettyPerske · 27/02/2012 17:04

I mean we did talk about it the other week (only been together 6 weeks) and we both know the love is there. Bit early to actually do it yet though. I wouldn't want to be dropping hints etc, I'd rather talk about it.

BettyPerske · 27/02/2012 17:06

but he would feel emasculated if I asked him. Like he does when I cut pieces of wood or paint a ceiling.

I know, I know....[rolls eyes]

Rinkan · 27/02/2012 17:06

Bang to rights Poledra, I meant emasculated .

Jericho, I do hope you haven't injured yourself. What is so wrong with what I said?

Rinkan · 27/02/2012 17:12

Oh and TOSN, the whole point is that what I want is to be asked

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 27/02/2012 17:14

.... which is fine, but not terribly feminist. That's all.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 17:14

Two people in a relationship - presumably one is always going to feel ready for or more positive about marriage than the other - why should it be the case that one of the sexes is charged with the task of 'asking'?

It doesn't make much sense. The more confident, or the keener on marriage one should ask, then the less keen or perhaps just less dynamic one can say, 'FUCK OFF NOOOO I'LL NEVER MARRY YOU YOU STALKING WEIRDO HELP SOMEBODY HELP ME' or yes, depending on how they feel.

GnomeDePlume · 27/02/2012 17:21

I remember living somewhere where the wedding tradition was in a number of steps:

couple meet, date for a while
couple (have a party) and 'get eterned' which is a signal to both families that they will be staying together. The shagging may officially commence but they dont live together
couple get engaged (bigger party), set a wedding date and start creating a home but quite possibly dont live together regularly
couple get married (even bigger party)move into home and live happily ever after

This was 25 years ago, happy days except that a girl I knew was thrown out by her family as despite her eternee hitting her her mum said that as they were eterned she had to stay with him.

Slightly off thread but just a thought that the old ways arent always the best.

BettyPerske · 27/02/2012 20:46

The crunch sorry I love your proposal turn-down.

ballroompink · 27/02/2012 20:54

YABU.

Why shouldn't a woman do the asking? It really doesn't need to be so taboo in this day and age. If you personally wouldn't like to do it then fair enough, but it's not a rule for everyone else to apply to their lives.

solidgoldbrass · 27/02/2012 21:06

You know, some women are quite happy going out with and shagging a bloke but regard him as 'will do for now' and would be appalled if he proposed. I think it's very damaging and unhealthy to act as though it's only men who are in charge of a relationship, and women are all desperate to be owned by a man.

That leads to situations like the one that crops up from time to time on here of the man using the possibility of A Proposal to train the woman like a dog with chocolate drops. Every time he wants her to do something, whether that's iron all his shirts again or take it up the arse, he starts mentioning marriage in a vague sort of way. And then, whether or not she does what he wants her to do, he will carefully engineer a minor squabble just so he can say 'I was going to propose but you spoilt the moment.' And continue indefinitely.

BettyPerske · 27/02/2012 21:17

Oh Gosh that sort of bloke is just a knob end though isn't he. I'd feel sorry for anyone in a situation involving him.

I like the thought of having a man there, not owning me but kind of taking charge of certain things.

I guess it's like other stuff, one person does the dishes, the other puts the bins out. One person deals with official stuff like businessy phone calls etc and the other dresses the children, or does shopping or whatever...we do what we're best at.

And I'm fairly rubbish at making decisions. And at being tall, and having a deep voice, and moving big ladders, and being rude (to people that demand a bit of rudeness because they are taking the piss) and at saying no. DP is excellent at all these things, so I am Ok about letting him do them.

If he wants to be traditional about it, I don't think it's because he thinks women are inferior (or I am inferior) but because it's what men did when he was being brought up. And I kind of respect that. It makes me feel safe and looked after because that's his intention and he likes to be the person who makes me feel that way. iyswim.

But I still insist on doing my own DIY, whatever he thinks of it.

mojitomania · 27/02/2012 21:32

Ah bless, so OP are you thinking for asking him but feel unsure?

Original poster

clicarhel · 28/02/2012 08:12

This isn't about control or taking charge. For what it is worth, I don't have any great faith in the institution of marriage, however, I just think that if two people are going to go and get married they should either discuss it as a joint decision or the man proposes.

Proposing is an old-fashioned thing based upon the man taking the lead. Why not just discuss the issue like adults instead of proposing? If proposals are to be made, it should be the man who is asking not the woman.

And people are being politically correct for the sake of it by saying it is OK for women because I am afraid to say that although it is men who do better when actually wed. Rather obvious to me, this one and it is why the patriarchy love it, they are the ones less likely to want to commit when just dating/living together in a casual way, so, given this, it is surely better to wait for the least likely person to want to marry to finally make up their mind and do the asking because you know it is going to be genuine then.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 28/02/2012 08:15

Ask him if it means that much but be prepared to accept no with grace anything else isjust desperate

KateSpade · 28/02/2012 08:18

Yeah, i agree. I also think the same thing can be said about going out with a girl, living with girlfriend, act.

If a boy really wants to do it he will, if he doesn't he doesn't want too or he's just not that into said girl.

I sometimes say this to my friends when they moan about boyfriends, it's not very comforting when all they want to here is 'oh he's such a knob, you can do better'.

I'm all about independent girls, not moaning about boys all the time!

molly3478 · 28/02/2012 08:22

We discussed it and me, him and my mum were all there when i chose the ring. He then propsosed to me though on the beach and I have really good memories of it. I definitely preferred it that way. We had only known each other 10 weeks though so we are a rare occurence I think!

I definitely dont see myself as inferior or letting the man lead everything I just think its nice and romantic this way.

Original poster

clicarhel · 28/02/2012 08:25

It's not about control, it's just that men are, as a rule, less likely to want to commit to marriage (although once married, they benefit more, but they don't know this until married), so it's just good sense to wait until the least likely partner to ask.

I think people should discuss things beforehand like adults myself, but if you're going to be old-fashioned about it all surely you should do it the old-fashioned way. That is, man proposing.
Men are more straightforward, if they wish to marry, they'll ask.

OP posts:

BillyBollyBandy · 28/02/2012 08:42

A feminist can want to be proposed to!!! What utter bollocks to suggest she can't! She can also prefer for her dh to look after the bills and be happy to be a SAHM, the point is that she has the option not to if she doesn't want to.

That has made me really cross. Just because you believe in equal rights for men and women doesn't mean you can't personally have a traditional lifestyle if you so wish, or enjoy romance.

Anyway, in regard to the OP. I think people generally make a joint decision when they decide to get married these days. I think anyone of either sex is going out on a limb proposing without discussion first. And have no idea why you would do that.

If you don't know what the answer would be, then I wouldnt ask - man or woman

BettyPerske · 28/02/2012 09:39

well a bit of a turnaround last night!

He came to stay over after a few pints and was standing in the kitchen talking bollocks, as you do, and he said you know what February the 29th means don't you. And I wasn't sure what he meant so I said no.

so he said look it up on t'internet. So I said, straight off, well, I'm not proposing to you you know and he said something like why not, so I said I thought he would make his own mind up when the time was right, and I wasn't going to push him into anything.

Anyway we sort of left it at that till about 4am when I said 'fuck it. Marry me'. And my poor darling semi comatose man sort of muttered something like 'what am I gonna do?!' and started to snore.

I rolled over and looked at the ceiling feeling decidedly rejected!!!!!

So I'm not asking him tomorrow. I've already tried

noddyholder · 28/02/2012 09:47

I don't think a feminist would want those things

LapsedPacifist · 28/02/2012 09:56

Why shouldn't a woman be able to express her wishes too?

Unless a couple are having an arranged marriage and have never been left unchaperoned together, why on EARTH wouldn't they have discussed the issue before making a decision?

solidgoldbrass · 28/02/2012 10:15

Look, OP, the reason you're getting such a kicking is because your post comes across as 'Women, know your place. You have to be worthy of being proposed to Or Else.'
Life is often better without marriage or indeed a partner; look at the endless threads from women whose male owners might well have proposed and married them, but who subsequently treat them as either domestic appliances or punchbags.

LapsedPacifist · 28/02/2012 10:22

And what SGB says!

HardCheese · 28/02/2012 10:28

God Almighty, OP, are Billy Haley and the Comets still Number One?

Also, what SGB said.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6