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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think that if a man wishes to marry you he'll propose?

136 replies

clicarhel · 27/02/2012 12:44

I'm not talking about the thousands of long-term couples who have a heart-to-heart and decide to get married as a sensible option and to have a nice 'icing-on-the-cake' wedding here.

I mean younger couples with no dc's. Isn't really a case in these situations that if a man really wishes marriage, he'll propose and women who actually do the asking are just forcing the issue when they guy doesn't really want to be married to them (or at least not yet)?

OP posts:
Snowsister · 27/02/2012 13:06

YABU
It does not matter which of the couple asks and which accepts. Have you been reading "the rules " OP? I don't see any issue here.

Snowsister · 27/02/2012 13:06

YABU
It does not matter which of the couple asks and which accepts. Have you been reading "the rules " OP? I don't see any issue here.

Honeydragon · 27/02/2012 13:06

You could argue that for a man being proposed to is more significant. Maybe men hold off because of the ridiculous expectations some women have over wedding proposals, like spending a months salary on a ring.

At least if your dp propses you know it's from the heart, rather than being rejected because you didn't do it the right way?

It depresses the fuck out me when an engagement ring is shown and the first question is to do with the value of the ring, followed by where did he propose?

Chocobo · 27/02/2012 13:08

x post with LingdiLong and Jackstini :)

mousymouseafraidofdogs · 27/02/2012 13:09

I don't understand all the proposing thing.
I am not property and therefore 'him asking her to become his wife' is not a nice thought, imo.
if a couple wants to get married, they should talk to each other, phone the registry office together to make an appointment etc. should be a joint decision. if they want rings, well get thee to the shop...

WizardofOs · 27/02/2012 13:10

Shit! I asked my DH to marry me. We had been together about 3 years and owned a house together. I was pissed when I asked him and he was pissed (less) when he said yes. It has been 11 years now but I think I will ask him if I forced his hand...he is free to leave at any time really as I do not have him chained up in the loft he has to go out to work after all.

sherbetpips · 27/02/2012 13:12

YABU I have a couple of friends who proposed. There are some men out there who would happily trundle along in relationships never really noticing that it wasnt going anywhere, a gentle nudge from their ladies does the trick!

stickygotstuck · 27/02/2012 13:12

It's got nothing to do with age, OP.

In a couple, one is bound to be more inclined to marry than the other. If the issue is not raised as a joint decision, it should fall to the person who is more 'keen' to suggest it, be it the man or the woman.

For me personally, the whole proposal thing (down on your knee, ring, engagement announcement, engagement party in extreme cases) is a quaint custom that should have stopped round about before I was born. And do not get me started on changing your surname after marriage! Wink

As an aside, I wonder what gay couples think of the whole issue. Any lesbians/gay men our there who would like to enlighten me?

TheVermiciousKnid · 27/02/2012 13:14

Hold on, let me just check a calendar. I was sure we're in the 21st century, but maybe I'm wrong ... Confused

TheElusiveBidet · 27/02/2012 13:15

This is just daft.

Man asking a woman, woman asking a man - whats the difference? Is the assumption that its OK for the Man to always to the asking as women are always receptive to getting married?

I turned down the first bloke who proposed to me. I hadn't asked him as I didn't want to get married. Maybe he shouldn't have asked me?

mumbaisapphire · 27/02/2012 13:16

It's not always the case that the guy hasn't asked because he hasn't got the guts to ask - sometimes it can be as OP has said , he's with a girl, but he knows she's not the one. Always important I think to have had the discussion before hand to make sure you are on the right path and both envision the same future. Although me personally I would prefer the man to do the asking. I always remember those surprise proposals they would feature on 29th Feb on GMTV, usually involving the woman proposing to her DP in his work place - the rabbit in the headlights look that most of the men wore on their faces made me cringe. I used to wonder whether those women had ever had 'the chat' with their men. I'm sure it was mostly to do with the fact it was live TV, than that they didn't want to marry their DP but it made me wonder.

MrsKittyFane · 27/02/2012 13:18

Other traditions include asking the woman's father for permission and him giving her away... Basically OP, not everyone wants to do these things anymore.

JerichoStarQuilt · 27/02/2012 13:18

Bless you, but no.

To give a personal example of why - my DH was honest with me from the start that, in his religion, you don't get serious without intending to get married. So I always knew that he was up for getting married, but I was much more hesitant as I'd just got out of a bad relationship. If he'd asked me, I would have felt pressured, because it would have been calling time on the relationship - if I'd said no, that would have been it.

So it was better that I asked him, because then I could do it when I genuinely felt comfortable and ready, and he knew I really meant it - rather than him worrying I'd agree before I was ready in deference to his religious beliefs.

I think the 'militant feminists' point is bollocks too, btw. Some men are more romantic than women and like to be asked!

RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 13:19

Right.

  1. Any woman who asks a man to marry her is a militant feminist/ hairy lesbian/ up the duff and desperate/ all of the above.
  1. In exceptional circumstances, a couple might make a joint decision on this, but we will politely not mention that this is hippy dippy nonsense, and really if you've got to that stage, your relationship is down the crapper anyhow.
  1. Young really desirable women who have managed not to get themselves pg will of course wait for the eagerly slavering man to ask them. This is The Way It Is Done.

hth

JerichoStarQuilt · 27/02/2012 13:20

Btw, friends of mine, two women who got married last year, explained how they got engaged in exactly the same way - the person who was less keen on marriage per se did the asking, so the person who was more keen knew they were really ready.

stickygotstuck · 27/02/2012 13:22

Ah, thanks Jericho, that's my curiosity satisfied. That's what I suspected.

LeQueen · 27/02/2012 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stickygotstuck · 27/02/2012 13:24

Sorry, didn't read that properly. That's not what I thought! Still interesting to hear though.

StrandedBear · 27/02/2012 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeliaDeBohun · 27/02/2012 13:29

It is the norm for men to propose. It is expected of them to propose marriage if they want to get married. If they don't do it, I just think that they don't want to marry their partner and the woman (IF) proposing marriage to him is not realising this obvious fact.

My sister proposed to her then boyfriend. He accepted and they are now very happily married and ttc their first child. BIL absolutely adores my sis and is a doting husband. Would he have proposed if she hadn't got in there first? Who knows. But if he really didn't want to be married to her, he'd have said no!

YABU

QuickLookBusy · 27/02/2012 13:36

I really really don't understand all this waiting around to be asked, surely it's something that is talked about as a couple? We talked about it, agreed it was what we both wanted, went out and got an engagement ring then went home and told everyone.

If a man knew I wanted to get married and refused, I would take that as an indication he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me and I'd be off.

GnomeDePlume · 27/02/2012 13:39

clicarhel I am so glad that you have cleared that up for me and that my husband of 20 years doesnt really want to be married. I'll tell him that he can leave when he gets back from work. I'm sure it will be a great weight off his mind!

FredFredGeorge · 27/02/2012 13:42

I would never have proposed to my DW, but was quite happy to accept a proposal. I had no desire whatsoever to propose, and no need to be married, so I was not going to ask. I'm sure my DP at the time knew this and so asked, and we got married. Don't see any reason why lots of men would be the same.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 27/02/2012 13:46

Yes, you're right.

A friend of mine was in love with this bloke for ages, and was actually proposed to by his friend while she was waiting for him to realise he loved her and wanted to marry her after all! He (the bloke she was in love with) actually got quite narked with her for not accepting the friend's proposal, funnily enough - and it was only after the woman he thought he was in love with actually turned out to be awful that he suddenly realised he did love my friend and they are now happily married. We laugh about it now, but it was definitely the right thing for her to hold her tongue and wait for him.

OH NO WAIT THAT'S MANSFIELD FUCKING PARK.

Jesus.

MrsKittyFane · 27/02/2012 13:53

theoriginal :o :o