aibu to think that if a man wishes to marry you he'll propose?

[clicarhel]

I'm not talking about the thousands of long-term couples who have a heart-to-heart and decide to get married as a sensible option and to have a nice 'icing-on-the-cake' wedding here.

I mean younger couples with no dc's. Isn't really a case in these situations that if a man really wishes marriage, he'll propose and women who actually do the asking are just forcing the issue when they guy doesn't really want to be married to them (or at least not yet)?

at original.

I wanted to be asked (rather than do the asking).

What if the future MrSausagesandMarmalade feels the same? Will it turn into a Mexican Standoff?

I did the asking.
DH really didn't want to get married but he said yes.
Not very happy marriage, now over.
Anecdotal only, of course.

If you're in a relationship, and you think something would be a good/nice idea (weekend away, spag bol for tea, ISA, new sofa, marriage) why can't you just raise the idea and discuss it? Why this awful coyness when it comes to marriage?

Don't most people nowadays discuss this sort of thing and decide together? DH and I decided together and there was no great proposal - although my friends thought it was really strange that I was booking a venue without having an engagement ring I took the pragmatic view that a ring does not make you engaged and the venue we wanted to get married was already getting really booked up for the year that we wanted.

I am sure most people who do ask know what the answer will be otherwise they would not do it - male or female. However, I don't really believe in being spontaneous in such matters - far too much at risk (like the rest of your life).

DH and I did decide together, and then he did the romantic, on the knee proposal at sunset with ring that he chose with excessive guidance from me so best of both worlds! I did offer to do the asking as well, but he wanted to ask me properly

I dont get the whole stagemanaged 'down on one knee' business. I hear couples say 'oooh we are going to get engaged at Christmas/Valentines' and quite frankly it makes me cringe. If you have decided to get married then surely you are engaged from that point on?

LOL @ Mexican stand-off :)

Maybe men don't want to get married anymore?

Men LOVE marriage.

I don't know why there seems to be this idea that men don't want to get married and women do - it seems mad to me especially as statistically Married men are the "happiest" with their lots.

I don't know where I read that - but I bet it's bloody true.

YANBU at all, you might be happily married now, ladies, but the fact of the matter is that at that moment, he had no prior intention of being engaged to you yet. The man proposing is the social expectation and default position, like it or not.

How do you know. I think propsals in healthy relationships oft come once both partys know the others feelings.

The only horrible propsal stories I have heard are from men who have engineered it to be public when in private the woman has pretty much said they want out. I am sure women have done this too..

Women who wait around for a man to propose to them without discussing marriage, are they the same ones who most on here after years of being married to say they are devastated as they want a baby and their dh doesn't but they have only just got round to discussing it? In this day and age no committed relationship should be based to unspoken expectations and assumptions, there is no need for it

mostly post on here

Aribura, if someone is not planning to become engaged, then no they have no prior plan about marriage. Makes no difference if that someone is a man or a woman.

What about someone asking repeatedly and being turned down? It is OK not to want to marry someone.

Lots of people don't want to get married anymore and it's not all to do with gender roles.

OH NO WAIT THAT'S MANSFIELD FUCKING PARK

Hhahahahahahahahahaa

Brilliant!

I am extremely forthright, confident and independent, and think of myself as a feminist, but I hate the idea of proposing. Could not face the rejection. Like to think I pretty good at giving the right signals though, so as to give him a pretty good idea of what the answer would be. I would also prefer to marry a man with the guts to ask. Glad so many of you are happy having done it, but I tend towards the trad view that men will feel emancipated by a proposal. Let's face it, we will be in control for the rest of their lives really, why not give them this one bit of manly rite of passage

The whole proposal thing is bollocks, IMO. Just part of the great lie of romance that's sold to women to keep them quiet.

Catch your man, then stop him getting away.

FWIW, I was married, we decided together, but the deciding factor was pregnancy. I wouldn't make that decision again.

Hate the whole industry. Weddings are arse and bollocks.

I am extremely forthright, confident and independent, and think of myself as a feminist, but I hate the idea of proposing.

I know feminists aren't a homegenous group who all think the same way but..... I think you should perhaps think again.

homOgenous, sorry.

Does anybody propose without the idea of marriage being discussed first nowadays? So it shouldn't be that much of a surprise that it's happened whoever does the asking?

Surely it will either be a discussion or the person who wants to propose will propose. Or some kind of combination of the two.

I don't understand all this 'the man should propose' business. As someone said earlier, so what happens in a same-sex relationship? And as for going down on one knee... what's that all about? (Yes, am married and it was a joint decision.)

TOSN, I was not speaking for all feminists, or all women. My personal opinion. Surely the epitome of feminism is being able to do what the hell you want? Just so happens my preferred dynamic reflects the traditional one.

'Surely the epitome of feminism is being able to do what the hell you want?'

I dont get the whole stagemanaged 'down on one knee' business. I hear couples say 'oooh we are going to get engaged at Christmas/Valentines' and quite frankly it makes me cringe.

I don't get it either. Tbh I don't see what's especially romantic about a Proper Proposal if you're already living together/in a relationship, no matter how imaginatively it's done.

In generations gone by, when you probably wouldn't get to have sex unless you were married and certainly wouldn't have the familiarity and domesticity most people have with their partners today, you can see why being proposed to would seem incredibly exciting and life changing. Even more so back in Jane Austen's day when you wouldn't even have snogged beforehand. That would feel quite sexy and swoony, I'd imagine...

"I tend towards the trad view that men will feel emancipated by a proposal."

Emancipated defn: freed; liberated; able to act at will:

Yes, I think a lot of men would feel emancipated by a proposal - we are finally getting out from the traditional, patriarchal role that men propose, and women wait around to be proposed to.

It's your choice, Rinkan, of course, but I don't see it being reconcilable with a feminist perspective to do all this coy sending-out-signals and refusing to ask for or say what you want directly.