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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider dh being a sperm donor for close childless (gay) friends?

115 replies

Iloveautumn · 26/02/2012 14:40

Canvassing opinions really to see if there is anything we haven't thought of and would love to hear from anyone who has experience of this.

Dh and I have 3 dc of our own (5, 3 and 1) and don't want any more.

I have been friends with one of the prospective mums for 23 years, she is married (civil partners) to her partner and they are v happy. They are both great with and love kids and we think they would make amazing parents. We don't have any ethical difficulties with gay parents.

They are considering ivf but it is prohibitively expensive for them to do more than one attempt which is unlikely to be successful given their ages (late 30s).

We have considered offering for dh to be a donor for a long time but just can't decide whether it is a bad idea or not.... They would be amazing parents but we just aren't sure whether it would be too weird for us, them, for our kids, for their kids....

Anyway, would appreciate any thoughts,TIA

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 26/02/2012 14:42

So how are you expecting dh to administer his donation?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2012 14:44

Can they not use an anonymous donor? If you can't decide whether it's a bad idea or not, I wouldn't proceed. Once conception takes place you may find that you are not happy with it and it could spoil your friendship.

CoffeeBucks · 26/02/2012 14:45

I think it's a lovely thing to offer but at the end of the day it's about how your DH feels. You would also need to think about how you'd feel if, for some reason, the friendship ended. Your feelings seem to be based quite heavily on the close relationship you have with this couple and how everyone involved (your kids, their kids etc) would be aware that your DH was the bio father. How would you feel if that changes?

travellingwilbury · 26/02/2012 14:45

I would like to think that I would be able to do this for someone but I just don't know if the reality would be too much for me to deal with .

What if they have a child that is ill or they parent in a way you don't agree with ? Would you tell your children ?

As you are so close I presume you will see the child grow up ?

It is a good thing to do for someone I just don't know if I am good enough .

FutureNannyOgg · 26/02/2012 14:46

DH was in a similar position. I was a bit concerned that he would have children with me, and he is a brilliant and dedicated dad, then this/these others who he would see a couple of times a year. Eventually I figure that these kids would know the truth, and even though they would have 2 lovely parents, it seemed a bit odd and unfair that they wouldn't get the attention from their father that ours did. I'm not sure he would cope with this, I think he might find it harder than them.
I do think though, if you can make it work and be happy with it, it is an amazing thing to do for your friends.

Original poster
Iloveautumn · 26/02/2012 14:46

LWintheW - No such thing as anonymous donors now. Using any donor through a clinic is expensive and not that successful. Finding a private donor is risky.

Thanks for your comments, food for thought.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 26/02/2012 14:48

i don't know... i think it could potentially be very difficult seeing someone else bringing up a child that is biologically yours (for your DH I mean)

is he keen btw?

MooncupGoddess · 26/02/2012 14:48

Lovely idea but you would really need to think through the implications - how much would your DH/family see of the child, would you think of him/her as a half-sibling to your existing children, what about grandparents/extended families, what about if you didn't like the lesbian parents' parenting techniques, what about inheritance... the list goes on.

Stonewall has a good booklet on lesbian/gay parenting you might want to look at.

Gay40 · 26/02/2012 14:48

I think it is a lovely idea if you can get your head round it - my only concern would be your DH. He might find it harder to switch off his feelings towards those children.

LydiaWickham · 26/02/2012 14:49

Would your DH consider this to be his child? Would he want involvement in the DC's life? Even if he said no now, how would you cope as a couple if on meeting his DC he would want to be a father to him/her? Could your DH look at a bbay that looks like him (as they normally look like their fathers when new born) and not want to be involved? (If he's a good dad to his other children, it'd be harder for him to 'switch off' his emotions.) Would you tell your DCs that they have a half sibling or would you lie to them about their relations? How would you feel when this DC grows up a little if they want to spend time with their father?

What would happen if the couple split up and the birth mother needed benefits - would your DH be expected to pay maintenance? (I don't know how this works, you want to check). When your DH finally dies, would this DC have a claim on his estate along with your DCs?

Personally, I think known donors only seem to work if the donor is another parent. If you could, I'd offer to pay towards IVF instead.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2012 14:50

Is your husband's sperm really necessary though, OP, with anonymous sperm donation readily available?

I think your children might find this very strange knowing that they have a half-sibling not in their family. I don't see it as an altruistic (or necessary) act, just very short-sighted.

Original poster
Iloveautumn · 26/02/2012 14:50

Futurenannyogg - did your dh decide not to?

CB - I think it is v unlikely our friendship would end - we have know each other since we were 14, we are more like family than friends really.

It would be a condition for me that all the kids knew from the outset who their bio dad was.

travelling wilbury - yes, I don't know how weird it would all be. She is very close to all my children so they would all grow up knowing each other very well. I would envisage they would always all know the truth so there would never be any big dramas over finding out.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2012 14:51

x-posted with you, OP. I didn't realise that. Oh! Shock

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2012 14:52

If you're 'sorted' with it, what makes you still need to consider whether it's a 'bad idea or not', OP?

CoffeeBucks · 26/02/2012 14:52

Lydia because the other couple have a civil partnership & are planning a pregnancy, they will count as the 2 legal parents and OP's DH will not be. (It would be different if they weren't in a civil partnership.) So no worries about maintenance etc!

Original poster
Iloveautumn · 26/02/2012 14:54

Regarding financial/inheritance issues, we would obv look into it properly but as I understand it, if you are just the bio dad and it is a proper donor relationship then there is no question of financial involvement.

Lydiawickham - yes, all good thoughts that we have thought about - no real way of knowing... 2 of our dc really look like dh as well so it could be v weird if their child/ren looked like him too....

OP posts:
Earlybird · 26/02/2012 14:54

This organization helps donor conceived children and their families with all sorts of issues. I'm sure there would be useful advice available - from a legal, practical, and emotional perspective.

www.dcnetwork.org/

hackmum · 26/02/2012 14:55

I think you'd have to investigate the legal situation: would your DH have (or want to have) any rights over the child? If the child was ill and needed expensive care, would they expect your DH to contribute? And the things that LydiaWickham said.

EdithWeston · 26/02/2012 14:55

Following on to LydiaWickham's post: yes, with any non-licensed donation, he could be pursued for maintenance at any point. It is, legally, a very messy situation.

As your friends are pursuing IVF (presumably involving donor sperm already anyhow), maybe there are also medical reasons why they are not using the (simpler, cheaper) route of donor insemination?

Original poster
Iloveautumn · 26/02/2012 14:57

thanks coffeebucks - that's what I thought.

thisisyesterday - my dh is the one who first suggested it, he is keen to help them out but does not want to do anything that would put our own children and family at any risk.

LWinthW - we are not "sorted" with it, we are still thinking about it very carefully.

OP posts:
LittleWhiteWolf · 26/02/2012 14:57

I think its a wonderful idea to help provide a couple with a much wanted child. I'd be happy and proud of my DH to consider such a donation, but then I'd happily donate my eggs to someone in need of them as well. As long as your DH is happy with the idea then I say go ahead.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 26/02/2012 14:58

Despite the expense and difficulty of finding an anonymous donor, I would still think it a better solution than this. Too much of an emotional risk all round- I just would not go there, for everyone's sake.

LydiaWickham · 26/02/2012 15:00

warning, Daily Mail link but worth considering, could you discuss and agree in advance access for your DH if he wants it? Do they see him as just being a friend's DH or the father of the child?

If he's going to see the DC regularly as a you are friends, (and the DC know he's the dad) it might actally be harder for him to avoid being involved emotionally than if he wasn't going to see the DC again.

EdithWeston · 26/02/2012 15:00

They will (presumably) be OK with anonymously donated sperm from a licensed clinic, as that is surely what be using for their IVF.

Perhaps they might be grateful for your DH to donate via such a clinics, giving more couples such as themselves exactly this chance?

Original poster
Iloveautumn · 26/02/2012 15:01

Mooncupgoddess - it is a good point re extended family.....
thanks for ref to stonewall.

earlybird, thanks for the ref

OP posts: