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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider dh being a sperm donor for close childless (gay) friends?

115 replies

Iloveautumn · 26/02/2012 14:40

Canvassing opinions really to see if there is anything we haven't thought of and would love to hear from anyone who has experience of this.

Dh and I have 3 dc of our own (5, 3 and 1) and don't want any more.

I have been friends with one of the prospective mums for 23 years, she is married (civil partners) to her partner and they are v happy. They are both great with and love kids and we think they would make amazing parents. We don't have any ethical difficulties with gay parents.

They are considering ivf but it is prohibitively expensive for them to do more than one attempt which is unlikely to be successful given their ages (late 30s).

We have considered offering for dh to be a donor for a long time but just can't decide whether it is a bad idea or not.... They would be amazing parents but we just aren't sure whether it would be too weird for us, them, for our kids, for their kids....

Anyway, would appreciate any thoughts,TIA

OP posts:
shewhowines · 26/02/2012 23:08

if there is a shortage of donors and your friends have no money for more than one round of IVF, could you come to some arrangement with the clinic where your husband donates to other couples and your friends get a reduced rate for more attempts with an anonymous donor? Probably not legal but worth a thought.

NeshBugger · 26/02/2012 23:10

Think Rhinestone has posted what was my immediate thought:

Your H might not want to be the child's parent, but what if child wants him to be?

In being close friends and open and above board, dh and your 2 friends would be in a tripartite relationship. It would be very natural for the child to want to know their father, do not underestimate the pull of genetics.

The positive stories on this thread have so far involved anonymous donation or donor fathers involved in their child's life.

DCgirl · 26/02/2012 23:58

NeshBugger is right, the child might well see your DH as his parent. I'm donor-conceived, that is to say, my parents used a sperm donor to conceive me, and I see my donor as my father (and my dad as my dad - as far as I'm concerned I have 3 parents). The only way I can see donation working in your case is if your DH has an active role in the child's life. When you donate sperm you are not just handing over body tissue, you are creating a connection. People will try to downplay that connection (man, I'm sick of people trying to tell me my dad is my "real" father) but it's very real. You only have to watch 'Who Do You Think You Are?' to know that where people come from matters. Oh, and I see the donor's other offspring, both those conceived via donor insemination and those conceived naturally, as my half-siblings, very much my family.

To be honest, I don't see how you can do it. If your DH did take an active role in the child's upbringing he would be effectively starting a new family in addition to your existing family but without having split up from you...it would all be very Mormon. But if he didn't fully acknowledge his relationship to the child it could be very upsetting for him, for the child and for your children (for example, if they see the child as their half-sibling they might want them to share key family experiences such as holidays - how would you explain why they couldn't come?). You are right to want to be open with your children if you do go ahead, a.) it is the moral thing to do, b.) because these secrets have a habit of coming out anyway, and c.) for practical reasons - the last thing you want when your kids are teenagers is for one of them to enter into a sexual relationship with this person (don't forget you wouldn't necessarily know if they had!). (I think every donor-conceived individual I know fears accidental incest).

You may well find speaking to the DCN useful.

MrsCrafty · 27/02/2012 00:21

No, it's wrong. Why would you do this? I know you have said that it's all about kindness etc.

But if they can't have children naturally, doesn't that tell you something?

Am prepared to be flamed, but am one person who thinks that this is wrong.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/02/2012 00:35

I really don't think this is going to work.

This sentence sums it up for me 'I really don't think we want to be involved in bringing this child up. I do however think it could be great for our kids to have more siblings....' you are trying to have your cake and eat it too.

... and what everyone else has said.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/02/2012 00:36

MrsCrafty - are you always this homophobic?

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 00:40

MrsCrarty, that is an awful thing to say and not just for same sex couples but for anybody who has gone through IVF or adoption.

MrsCrafty · 27/02/2012 00:45

Yes, I am very homophobic on bringing up children, this woman is thinking of bringing a child into the world with gay parents. They could not have children naturally, there is a reason too.

Told you I would be flamed and I don't hold with all of this nonsense that it doesn't matter if the child is loved. They will be singled out at school and I genuinely do not believe that a child is a right.

verityverbiage · 27/02/2012 00:49

I don't agree with it or disagree with it because it really is up to the prospective parents and your DH.

In an ideal world a child will get a home where it's loved and cared for.

But in reality it could get messy with child support and emotional support only a phone call away.

MrsCrafty · 27/02/2012 00:50

Having a child is not a right. It's natural, you can't just decide that because you want to opt out of the norm, it's fair to bring a child into your world to make you feel complete.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 00:53

a child can be singled out in school for many reason, back in the 1950 society looked down on single mothers and there children would often get singled out because of this.

a black child when racism was strong was singled out.

if a child doesn't not have a BBM in school these days can get singled out.

don't try to cover your homophobic views on what a child being bullied at school

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 00:56

don't try to cover your homophobic views on what a child being bullied at school

MrsCrafty · 27/02/2012 00:58

I am not. I am telling you that bringing a child into the world is a natural thing. You don't do it for yourself, you always think of the child.

Just because you fancy having one, isn't a reason for having one. Yep really homophobic, true.

Selfish, yes methinks.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 01:08

so a same sex couple can not have a child because they deeply want a child.

they have a home, stable job, savings and in a long term commited relationship. they want a child the same reason anybody ttc WANTS A CHILD FOR......The only problem is that they are unable due to having no sperm.

IMO it is parent like you who makes the problems as children are more accepting.

Gay40 · 27/02/2012 01:11

MrsCrafty, that's offensive on so many levels. I don't even know where to start with unpicking your ignorant and homophobic views

sozzledchops · 27/02/2012 01:19

Of course you do do it for yourself whether you're straight or not, unless it's unplanned. Having a child is selfish in a way, not that there is anything wrong with that.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 27/02/2012 02:28

Hopefully Mrs Crafty's views can be pigeon-holed into the 'gotta feel a bit sorry for her' box, left there and quickly forgotten.

And moving right along...

My best friend's brother kind of did it the other way around. He is gay and single and unlikely to ever have children of his own. His best friend and her husband were unable to get pregnant (sperm-count issues on his behalf) and he donated sperm. The baby is about 4 months old now.

They all went through lots of counselling to ensure they were all absolutely aware of what they were entering into, and all completely happy with it.

I also have a very old family friend who married her civil partner and they had a son. The donor was a gay (male obviously!) friend of theirs. He is involved in L's life in a 'kindly uncle' sort of way - on the scene, but not involved in the upbringing, per se. I don't see why your DH couldn't take on the same sort of role - it's not 'having your cake and eating it too' as others have said, by any means.

I think just keep talking, talking, talking and you will eventually come to some sort of conclusion - whether it's to go ahead or not, remains to be seen.

I would also like to add this - the world needs more happy, secure, loved and well-adjusted children (ultimately adults) who come from families where both parents very much want them, and will cherish them. Not less.

Please ignore blinkered posts from people who cannot see past their own innate prejudices to the greater good.

Whatmeworry · 27/02/2012 07:33

To me the main thing to think through is the comeback if their relationship goes pear shaped, the way the law is going there is continually increasing clawback on the biological father.

upahill · 27/02/2012 07:51

No I would not consent to my DH doing this for this particular couple if I was in the OP's shoes.

madaboutmadmen · 27/02/2012 07:56

MrsCrafty if you think it's not 'natural' for gay people to have kids, you could say the same about IVF for example but I doubt you would.

Get a grip and take your head out of your backside! Just because you've got tbe right equipment to make a child doesn't make you a good parent.

TheCunningStunt · 27/02/2012 08:10

Mrscrafty you are such a delight!

It's your children I feel sorry for, growing up in a household of such limited, bigoted and homophobic opinionsSad

My children have never been targeted because they have gay parents. They were and are wanted, loved and cared for. Your views are simply archaic and make no sense in 2012. Can I politely suggest you open your mind a little, there is a big wide world out there, and you clearly only see a fraction of it.

Gay40 · 27/02/2012 08:40

I'm gay, and I've never thought I wouldn't be a parent - it was something I always wanted.

I actually saw myself with lots more children on some sort of fantasy farm - admittedly not doing any actual farming work, and replacing the ruddy faced farmer with some lovely woman.

The thought of not having children simply because I was not attracted to men didn't come into it. I didn't think they made people with that idea any more Hmm

PattiMayor · 27/02/2012 10:33

This topic is being discussed on Women's Hour right now

porcamiseria · 27/02/2012 10:40

avoid like the plague, really, let them get a donor elsewhere

Its a fucking MORAL MINEFIELD

its HIS child, what happens if (a) they die and you take custody (b) they split (c) you dont like how they bring up child

and plus it it fair on your children????

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2012 10:41

How lovely of you that you and DH are thinking of offering this to your friends. My DD was born using a friend as a donor but he was (actually still is) unmarried without kids. It has worked very well, he lives in a different city but sees DD throughout the year etc. I don't think it is impossible at all. I just think that you need to all talk through what you imagine will happend once the child arrives. Think about how DH might feel, what the gay parent's expectations are in terms of day to day contact and what you will tell your children.

IMHO it depends entirely on the people involved as to whether this will work or not. It SOUNDS very complicated, rather like my DDs unusual family does but on a day to day basis it is not complicated at all. It is just different. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to chat further OP.