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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider dh being a sperm donor for close childless (gay) friends?

115 replies

Iloveautumn · 26/02/2012 14:40

Canvassing opinions really to see if there is anything we haven't thought of and would love to hear from anyone who has experience of this.

Dh and I have 3 dc of our own (5, 3 and 1) and don't want any more.

I have been friends with one of the prospective mums for 23 years, she is married (civil partners) to her partner and they are v happy. They are both great with and love kids and we think they would make amazing parents. We don't have any ethical difficulties with gay parents.

They are considering ivf but it is prohibitively expensive for them to do more than one attempt which is unlikely to be successful given their ages (late 30s).

We have considered offering for dh to be a donor for a long time but just can't decide whether it is a bad idea or not.... They would be amazing parents but we just aren't sure whether it would be too weird for us, them, for our kids, for their kids....

Anyway, would appreciate any thoughts,TIA

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 27/02/2012 10:50

BTW , no issue whatsover with gay couples having children. Its the issue of a married man with 3 kids using his sperm that I think could create major issues, MAJOR

I think anon always better

Devora · 27/02/2012 10:52

I've not read the whole thread - tbh, I'm finding it really difficult to wade through this wall of negativity about my parenting choices (yes, I am the lesbian mother of a child with a known and involved donor).

I'll just say that you and your dh sound wonderful, and I can't tell you what it would have meant to me to have had friends like you while I was trying to embark on motherhood. Of course you have to work out if this is right for you and your family, and you've had a lot of pointers on this thread to help you do that.

I don't really want to contribute further to this thread, but if you'd like to contact me directly I'd be happy to tell you about how we developed our agreement and contract. Oh, and to add that we have a beautiful dd and the arrangement has worked out very well for us.

porcamiseria · 27/02/2012 11:02

devora, I am so pleased its worked out for you. I think people are reading this very pragmatically, and unfortunately there have been some messy cases of this lk. and its easy, so easy, too imagine how it could go wrong

But that does NOT mean I am judging your choices, and I am very pleased it worked out for you.

For me its ethics and the possible issues

If the known donor was a 55 year old bachelor man, I would see far less issues tbh. Its more about the fact the man has a family and kids already that worries me.

HTH

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2012 11:09

I understand exactly what you mean porcamiseria but I don't think that using an anonymous donor is necessarily the best option for the child/children. I know of 2 couples who used this route and whose children are very confused and troubled at the prospect of never knowing who their biological father is. I am not suggesting that everyone feels this way but I do think that just because it is less complicated as an option this might only hold true in the short term.

Devora · 27/02/2012 11:11

Thank you, porca.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2012 11:12

However, on the issue of a donor with a family or not I spoke to many male friends when I was trying to have a baby married, unmarried, with children and without (not all as potential donors but just to see how they felt about the prospect) and I did indeed conclude that someone without children was a better option for me.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/02/2012 11:21

Devora - I am another one who is not at all negative about your parenting choice. I think it's lovely that it has worked out so well for you and I think it's a wonderful way for a lesbian couple (or any other couple who can't conceive together) to have a baby :) I just don't think that in the OP's specific situation it would be a good thing. Without wishing to upset the OP, I think that she would be too controling and she sees the other (potential) children as siblings to her children and it will all become very messy.

Original poster

Iloveautumn · 27/02/2012 12:24

Thanks very very much to everyone who has posted on this thread because it has really helped us to think this through some more.

Ultimately the issues stopping us from mentioning it to our friends are the issues that various people have raised here!! We have pretty much decided this is not a good idea and won't be offering dh's sperm. Mainly because we think the risk to our own family and children is too great, but also because of the risk to the potential child/ren.

The problem here, as I think most people have realised, is that the donor (dh) has children already. A man who does not have or want other children would I think be a much better choice.

Thank you so much for everyone who offered their personal stories- esp DCGirl and dencora - I really appreciate it and dcgirl it was great to hear the perspective of a donor-conceived child - your post really helped me.

Finally - MrsCrafty - I could not disagree with you more and I am cheered that you seem to be the only poster on this thread to have taken a homophobic, outdated, prejudiced and narrow-minded viewpoint.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iloveautumn · 27/02/2012 12:26

Duh - sorry, I meant Devora - I could not see your name when I wrote my post!!!

Chippinginneedscoffee - I also meant to reply to you. I think I said in another post that I do think it would be important to view our dc and their dc as siblings and to demand a sibling relationship - that is for the sake of all the children, not for my sake. I don't think that is controlling, it is recognising the "right" (for the want of a better word) of the children to know and have a relationship with their siblings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iloveautumn · 27/02/2012 12:28

Sorry, hard to post as have 2 fighting dc in room with me!!!

I is the presence of previous children on the donor that is the problem here. In other situations I believe donors who know the children is a much better idea than stranger donations. Now baby woken up so won't be able to post anymore!!!

OP posts:

cumbria81 · 27/02/2012 13:46

I think it COULD work

but think of the child - how will they feel knowing their father effectively gave them up to someone else, even if this was pre-arranged?

TheCunningStunt · 27/02/2012 14:09

Op I think you and your DH have made a good choice. Kudos to you both for thinking it over. It would have been a lovely offer but I agree it could have been a minefield down the line, if you and proceeded

upahill · 27/02/2012 17:08

I didn't have time to elaborate on my post earlier where I just said no, I wouldn't allow consent.
My reasons are similar to lots of the other posts.
I think you are too close to the family and that can become a barbed wire of emotions later on.

I think it is a lovely think to consider and I am sure there have been many success stories with people in similar situations. I wouldn't want to risk my relationship with DH or with my friends tbh.

Like others said if you are seeing your friends on a regular basis and your Dh doesn't like things they are doing - not bad things, it would be very very difficult for your DH not to interfere.

MrNonyMouse · 27/02/2012 17:28

I see that you have made a decision now. I don't know if anyone has mentioned it, but as far as I know, your DH would be the legal father and could be pursued for maintenance if the donation is performed outside of a registered infertility clinic. (I donated 5 years ago)

FilterCoffee · 27/02/2012 18:57

YANBU. I think it would be fine and don't see any problem with it at all. You will all be very clear who the parents are and who has simply donated genetic material. I agree that it would be nice if your DH was an "uncle" figure. However I also agree with MrNonyMouse that you need to check the legal situation, as non-clinic donations may have different implications.

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