to consider dh being a sperm donor for close childless (gay) friends?

[Iloveautumn]

Canvassing opinions really to see if there is anything we haven't thought of and would love to hear from anyone who has experience of this.

Dh and I have 3 dc of our own (5, 3 and 1) and don't want any more.

I have been friends with one of the prospective mums for 23 years, she is married (civil partners) to her partner and they are v happy. They are both great with and love kids and we think they would make amazing parents. We don't have any ethical difficulties with gay parents.

They are considering ivf but it is prohibitively expensive for them to do more than one attempt which is unlikely to be successful given their ages (late 30s).

We have considered offering for dh to be a donor for a long time but just can't decide whether it is a bad idea or not.... They would be amazing parents but we just aren't sure whether it would be too weird for us, them, for our kids, for their kids....

Anyway, would appreciate any thoughts,TIA

Might be handy for the kids to know they had half-siblings, biologically at least. Purely for practical reasons. It may be hard to explain, if in 16 years, one of your LOs takes a shine to their LO.

EdithWeston - bit confused - what is the benefit for them for dh to donte via clinic? They charge a fortune...
Dh is considering offering it to them because they are friends, he has no desire to be a donor to strangers. We have 3 children.....

"agree in advance access for your DH if he wants it?"

Agreements in advance can be overturned at any point by the Courts, who will make their ruling on what is best for the child, not the wishes of the parents. (Wasn't there a thread about this recently, about a case which had all gone pear-shaped and earlier parental wishes looked likely to be overturned).

I am assuming, also, that the non bio mother would need to adopt the baby once born? This would then legally relieve your DH of legal responsibility, surely?

Likeanadventcandle - yes, I have said that it would be a condition that all children (ours and theirs) knew from the outset that dh was bio dad.

One of our big concerns is siblings being attracted to each other when they are older.

FWIW, I used to nanny for two girls. The eldest, when 7, told me, completely matter of factly, that her daddy's sperm didn't work very well, so mummy and daddy had got some sperm from the doctor and that's how they made her.

And that her DSIS's other mummy couldn't look after her, so she came to live with them.

It was simply a matter of fact for her.

The kids will deal with whatever is normality to them IMO.

It's the adult's feeling which need to be taken into account i think. How will your DP feel about a child of his being brought up by someone else. What if he disapproves of their parenting methods for example?

I think it's a lovely thing you're considering doing, btw, just need some thinking about!

Gah! adults' feelings, not adult's feeling!

What about adoption? if one is the biological mother, this could prove to be problematic for the couple themselves - although I'm sure they can work this out without my help

Adopting a child and giving them a loving home is a wonderful thing and takes away some of the complications here. Not that adoption is straight forward of course - don't think anything is these days!

Likeanadvent - no, they are in a civil partnership there is no need for adoption, they would both be named on the birth cert.
have already said about financial support.

Are your DCs all of one gender? The thing that would bother me, most I imagine, is if you have all girls (eg) and they go on to have a son....or vice versa. Possibly your DH may want more involvement as a chance to experience being a father to both sons and daughters.

"EdithWeston - bit confused - what is the benefit for them for dh to donte via clinic? They charge a fortune...
Dh is considering offering it to them because they are friends, he has no desire to be a donor to strangers. We have 3 children....."

See also my previous posts about the likelihood that straightforward (and cheaper) insemination is unlikely to be suitable for them - they would be unlikely to have gone on to the more expensive, intrusive and uncertain IVF route had insemination been possible.

And they must be using donor sperm already. I suspect they are very, very grateful to the donor/s, especially as there are so few these days. That is why a licensed donation via a clinic would benefit them (or other couples like them), as that is the essence of altruism.

threeleftfeet - thank you for that.
Yes, I agree, the kids will completely accept it - at least as children anyway. It is when they are adults... But then we envisage they would grow up having a very loose relationship with dh - in the form of a family friend who they know happens to be bio dad so would hopefully not then cause problems when they are older re who their dad is.

Dh has no desire to be involved in their parenting - we would see us as being simply friends. I know that friends only want a father donor who does not want to be actively involved.

Sorry - I meant - our friends only want a father donor who is not actively involved in parenting the child

Edith - no there is no medical reason that they are not using donor insemination.

I think it is a lovely thing to do, and a great gift to give them. It's good that you are looking for any concerns ahead of offering, and ironing them out before hand.

It is something I, or my DH would consider, once our family is complete (he wants one or two more!), should someone we know be in real need.

It's lovely of you to consider it, it's a very personal thing so it depends on what you as a family and your friends are comfortable with, rather than what strangers on the internet are comfortable with.

Definitely don't rush into anything. I think you, DH and the friends will need to spend a lot of time talking about what role your family will play in the child's life, from baby to adulthood, parenting styles, what happens when you disagree, who gets an input on big decisions like school choice, how much contact, what if you or they decide to move hundreds of miles away. I don't think you can make a final decision until you've discussed it a lot with your friends.

If you see them regulalry, what if your DH got upset with their way of parenting 'his' child?

The child would be half sibling to your own children and it could get very difficult.

Your DH (and you) think you know how you would be/feel but until the baby is born, you'll never really know. How can your DH not be actively involved in parenting the child?

If you see them as close friends often, then he'll see the child.
To me, not actively parenting would mean no contact ever.

sorry, cross post, just seen that your DH doesn't want to be involved in the parenting. A lot of the above still applies though, you need to be very clear on what you all expect of the relationship. And think about what you'll do if DH finds he wants to be more involved once he actually sees the baby, or if the child wants a closer relationship with his / her dad than you were anticipating.

This may be of help, although you may not see the situation as the same.

I have a gay male friend who did this for a lesbian couple. The women live in another country but they were all (my friend, his partner and the women) at university together in the UK and close friends.

The DC is now 9, and everyone is open about her biological parentage. My friend visits between 4 and 6 times a year. On many of these visits his partner (and sometimes his parents, the biological grandparents) also visit.

This seems to have worked out brilliantly for all concerned so far. The DC calls him by his first name, is fully aware that he is her father and loves him dearly.

This is not the same as your situation of course, as my friend doesn't have other children living with him.

FWIW I think it is a wonderful thing he has done and that your DH is considering. Only you know if it is right for you.

mmmmarmite - thanks for your thoughts, yes I agree, we would need to all talk through all those issues.

Loopydoo - I agree there is no way of knowing how everyone will feel, but I do feel sure we won't want to be involved in th parenting - we have 3 kids of our own, we don't have the inclination to be involved in the parenting of any more.

I am very confused - I there is no medical reason against donor insemination, why are they considering using donor sperm in th rather trickier procedure of IVF?

Obviously, it is their personal business, and you probably won't want to post the answer. But if you are not sure of the reasoning, then it does make it rather harder for you to judge the utility of substituting on sperm source fo another.

This is going to be a dumb question, but are you sure both of you are totally ok with stopping at three? You seem so keen that I wonder if you both actually want dh to father this couples child? And that you want the close family ties this will possibly bring?

Are you prepared that it might not?

RedRosie - thank you for telling me about your friends, it is helpful.
I have a friend who is in a similar scenario and it also works fine for them.
Similarly though the father has no other children, that is the big stumbling block for us - the potential impact on our own children.

QuintessentialyHollow - it is a fair question, we have considered and ruled out having another child ourselves so maybe subconsciously that is part of it.

But I really don't think we want to be involved in bringing this child up. I do however think it could be great for our kids to have more siblings....

Loopydoo - I agree there is no way of knowing how everyone will feel, but I do feel sure we won't want to be involved in th parenting - we have 3 kids of our own, we don't have the inclination to be involved in the parenting of any more.

you might not feel like parenting any more, but when he holds his child, he might feel differently. Remember this, it will be something that involves him but not you. If he goes for involvement once the DC has arrived, can you deal with being step mother to your friend's child?