to think this TA was really out of order about DS's 'real dad'

[crosspatches]

DS is 7. His biological father left when I was pregnant. When DS was 2 I got together with DH, who was a friend before (have known him since I was 12).

DS calls DH Daddy. His bio father is in his life now, and DS is completely 'in the know' and happy about the situation. He calls bio father by his first name at bio father's request.

When it comes up, he will explain that DH is his daddy but X 'helped mummy make me'. It does come up because DH is of Korean heritage and DS has my colouring - blonde and blue-eyed.

DS was upset when I got him from school yesterday and after a while he told me that after DH dropped him off at school, the TA asked him who that man was, and DS said it was his Daddy and the TA said "he can't be your Daddy", and DS said that he was his Daddy but that X helped me make him and the TA said "oh, then he's not your real dad".

DS said that DH was his real dad and she told him no, he wasn't. DS says he was "too sad to keep saying Daddy is my real dad".

I am furious and planning to speak to the TA after school today but AIBU? Because part of my anger is the "he can't be your Daddy" - what if DS was adopted? It feels racist to me but I am very sensitive to that.

YANBU - poor DS x

YANBU at all

I think you shuld have a chat with the school

I was fully prepared to say YANBU to have a word and be annoyed

Then I spotted the 'feels racist'...YABU there I think.

The TA is being nosy, personal and pendantic but I doubt it has anything to do with race as there are lots of other children in the same boat...and you know if she's just as pedantic with them.

As an adoptee myself, I used to get this sort of comment all the time from ignorant adults and it is so upsetting and frustrating.
I would say go in all guns blazing. Do not, however, speak to the TA directly. You need to explain the situation to the class teacher and ask him/her to deal with it. Your DS should not have to put up with this sort of ill-informed and insensitive rubbish from adults in a position of responsibility. I still burn with fury when I think of some of the things adults said to me in my own childhood - and that was 30 years ago.

OK i think you need to make an apointment to see the T A with the class teacher and not approach them without notice you might get flustered ask for a meeting , It is racist but unintentional not that it makes it any better , Just say to your son that his dad is his dad and tell him he doesnt have to say anything else ,
yanbu at all , you are right to be angry ,

I meant you don't know if she's as pedantic with them...so perhaps it's nothing to do with race and more to do with your son having '2 Dads'....one of whom she'd never seen at the school before.

YANBU

Worra but she said DH couldn't be his dad - having just seen him once. Why couldn't he be? We could have adopted DS. Why tell him that DH couldn't be his Daddy?

Omg YANBU I would flip!

How dare they say such a thing! So spiteful and inconsiderate!

Definitely go in and have a rant chat

YADNBU, poor DS defo speak with TA and whoever their manager is, thats just not on

Awww. Poor kid! I had similar situation as a child myself. I call my bio dad by his real name n my step dad is my dad. I had people asking me that he can't be my dad because he's ginger and white and I'm blonde with a tan.

The TA had no reason to say anything. Fair enough asking who he was but when he said dad she should have accepted it!

Like you said he could have been adopted and she could have just caused so much trouble and pain.

X

Worra DS's bio father isn't involved in DS's school life at all. Nobody knows about DS's two dads unless they ask. DS has never described X as his dad though he understands the situation.

Even if he wasnt adoped still a stupid insensitve for the T A to say to a little boy , families are all different she should know better ,

I don't think it's racist, it's likely that the view expressed is because of biology i.e. he's not his real dad because he didn't help make him rather than because of where he comes from iyswim. It's likely she would have expressed the same view ieven f ds and your dh looked alike.

I would bring it up with the school. It is not the TAs place to question any family relationship a child has. If DS is happy he knows who is dad is then that is all the TA needs to know.

At the very least the TA was being ignorant.

It was a really stupid comment. YANBU to say something.

I would go straight to the Head tbh. The teacher isn't the employer/boss of the TA and you would have no control over how the teacher handled it, or even if they handled it at all. Better to go to the Head, so the TA can be made aware not to do this in the future with other kids.

Some people have absolutely no sensitivity or tact. I don't think she was being racist, just stupid.

Definitely talk to her

I can see what liberty is saying about it not being racist. But the TA would not have insisted he couldn't be dcs dad if he hadn't been another race. So I don't think she is necessary being racist, but being a mixed race family IME often had people asking all sorts of inappropriate and deeply personal questions, that they wouldn't otherwise ask

Regardless of that, if your son said dh is his dad, how fucking dare she even suggest that he isn't. I would speak to her but I would also speak to class teacher and the head

I am confused about what you are saying here Worra. Just because a child is obviously of a different ethnicity to his parents doesn't mean they can't be his 'real' parents. What if he were adopted? Or are you one of those people who think adoptive parents aren't real. Because if you are have one of these .

YANBU. But I would speak to the head or class teacher, not the TA directly. I don't think she was necessarily racist, but I do think she's been inappropriate and I think just nosey actually, which is not on.

And really, how can she possibly know that your DH isn't DS biological dad. I know it might be a bit of a "stretch" (for want of a better word) but some couples have had twins with different skin colours so I don't think anyone should ever just assume something like that. My friend is Chinese, and his son looks the image of his (english) mother and they've had some nasty comments about his parentage too, it's very upsetting and hurtful and there's just no need for it.

The TA would have been through training and knows that she shouldn't have said this.

Some people love the power that they have when around children. I wouldn't say that if it had been a slip from her, but to repeat it was plain nasty and totally unprofessional.

I would go to the head. If she dismisses it, ask her if the TA was asked to contribute to a professionals meeting, would she argue with the SW about the child using "dad" for a long term foster or adoptee parent, because i bet that she wouldn't.

She is supposing to be building relationships with the children and you take the child's lead on matters such as this.

Ignorant, unprofessional, inappropriate, crossing personal boundaries - the list goes on.

I would make an appointment to see the Head and relay the conversation, make sure that they understand that you are angry and consider the TA to have acted utterly uprofessionally, then leave the ball in their court. Though I would be making it clear to them too that the fact that there was a potentially racial element to the entire situation made me feel uncomfortable to say the least.