to think this TA was really out of order about DS's 'real dad'

[crosspatches]

DS is 7. His biological father left when I was pregnant. When DS was 2 I got together with DH, who was a friend before (have known him since I was 12).

DS calls DH Daddy. His bio father is in his life now, and DS is completely 'in the know' and happy about the situation. He calls bio father by his first name at bio father's request.

When it comes up, he will explain that DH is his daddy but X 'helped mummy make me'. It does come up because DH is of Korean heritage and DS has my colouring - blonde and blue-eyed.

DS was upset when I got him from school yesterday and after a while he told me that after DH dropped him off at school, the TA asked him who that man was, and DS said it was his Daddy and the TA said "he can't be your Daddy", and DS said that he was his Daddy but that X helped me make him and the TA said "oh, then he's not your real dad".

DS said that DH was his real dad and she told him no, he wasn't. DS says he was "too sad to keep saying Daddy is my real dad".

I am furious and planning to speak to the TA after school today but AIBU? Because part of my anger is the "he can't be your Daddy" - what if DS was adopted? It feels racist to me but I am very sensitive to that.

Someone said 'He shoots he scores' at a dinner party???!

Good grief. Not during the fondue, I hope.

What about that lovely lady on Relationships - Roadkillbunny iirc - her biological father was a nasty bit of work indeed. She will occasionally refer to him as her father but never as Dad, because Dad was her stepfather (now sadly deceased), who loved her and made her feel secure. The other one may have supplied the sperm and even lived with her for part of her childhood, but there was no love or trust there. Try telling her the evil child-molester is her "real Dad" and see how far you get. Or rather, don't, because I'm sure she would find it very hurtful.

ps TheCrunch

Going to threadjack
Molehill - I am in DCN too. We are about to read our story to my DD, she is already aware, as we have a scrapbook. Interested to see your DC's responses.

I have asked mumsnet to set up a donor conceived topic area

That would be brilliant flibberty. It's easy to feel a bit on your own. Shall I start a thread in infertility for now? Or is there a better place? Parenting is more where I'm at now, but if someone had just started their journey they might miss it.... Hence I guess the need for a separate section!

I sort of feel that sperm donor means something very different to me from those who use it to mean a very absent father, although I don't want to dictate its use. Our donor did something knowing the reasons why and especially now, almost certainly with some desire to help. I feel great warmth towards our donor and should it ever be possible to trace him, I would support our dc wholeheartedly. He occupies a unique place in our lives. Not a dad, a donor is something different and unique. Not real dad-real donor I guess.

Quite Molehill, I echo everything you say. We heart our donor too!

I would love a thread for donor conception, I definitely still have stuff to work through not inside the family, but when it comes to communicating it.

DS2 is adopted. During a group session with a TA about life stories, he told the rest of the group. One girl said "So Shockers isn't your real Mum then?". He replied that yes, I am his real Mum... "No she's not" the girl kept repeating. DS reckons that this went on for the rest of the session, and although he got upset (but didn't cry), the girl wouldn't stop and the TA didn't intervene. I was furious.

YANBU & Sod speaking with the TA - speak with the Head - outrageously ignorant & unprofessional behaviour on the TAs part

YANBU what a Bitch! I would definately go the head and perhaps make an official complaint. Hope ur ds is ok. Did u talk to her today?

shockers, bloody hell. I do hope the TA was hauled over the coals?

I did have a quiet word with the Headteacher.

I asked DS about this earlier today (it happened 2 years ago), he told me that since that incident, that TA had become his favourite because she was so lovely toward him. I suspect that she had been scared of saying the wrong thing and making the situation worse, she got it wrong, but my concern obviously filtered down in a good way.

Glad it worked out - hope she learnt not to be so ruddy rude to anyone else.

As a TA I'm really at this one's insensitivity! I would expect to get reprimanded for that sort of behaviour. But, It does help to avoid embarrassing situations if school is "in the know" about some people's (sometimes hugely complicated) family relationships, and I know of several such moments, that have occurred to colleagues.