to think this TA was really out of order about DS's 'real dad'

[crosspatches]

DS is 7. His biological father left when I was pregnant. When DS was 2 I got together with DH, who was a friend before (have known him since I was 12).

DS calls DH Daddy. His bio father is in his life now, and DS is completely 'in the know' and happy about the situation. He calls bio father by his first name at bio father's request.

When it comes up, he will explain that DH is his daddy but X 'helped mummy make me'. It does come up because DH is of Korean heritage and DS has my colouring - blonde and blue-eyed.

DS was upset when I got him from school yesterday and after a while he told me that after DH dropped him off at school, the TA asked him who that man was, and DS said it was his Daddy and the TA said "he can't be your Daddy", and DS said that he was his Daddy but that X helped me make him and the TA said "oh, then he's not your real dad".

DS said that DH was his real dad and she told him no, he wasn't. DS says he was "too sad to keep saying Daddy is my real dad".

I am furious and planning to speak to the TA after school today but AIBU? Because part of my anger is the "he can't be your Daddy" - what if DS was adopted? It feels racist to me but I am very sensitive to that.

I think it is racist, and I don't say that lightly. She is making assumptions based on skin colour or ethnicity, isn't that what racism is? Two black people can have a white child, colour, eye or skin, can be a throwback for generations. She is massively ignorant not to know this, and massively insensitive to insist to your son that your husband isnt his father. She must have seen she was confusing or upsetting him, so I would question her motives in this. I wouldn't approach her or the class teacher, go straight for the head teacher. What a horrible thing to happen. YANBU.

She certainly sounds insensitive and ignorant.

I'd take this to the Head

We have no idea if it was racist or not as we were not there to know exactly what was said or on what basis.

It could be racist. It could be ignorance. It could be something else altogether.

However, it was inappropriate of the TA and should not have been said at all. The TA should not contradict a child about who his father is or isn't.

I would have suggested speaking to the TA direct, but it would appear that you are already/have already done that. See what comes from that first.

It certainly doesn't sound racist, but it does sound like she massively overstepped the line. Perhaps she got caught up in the conversation and it didn't come out the way it was intended, but it's not her place to have that conversation with a child.

I would speak to the class teacher and then possibly the head if I didn't feel the response was adequate enough.

That is totally inappropriate. Your poor DS and you. We are in a similar situation, although slightly different as we are a gay couple so DP besides being another woman is also black so OBVIOUSLY isn't biologically related to DD (who is blonde/blue eyed) despite legally, in fact in all ways being her other parent. We have been very lucky at school but in other circumstances DP has been challenged several times in terms of "who she is" in relation to DD! I know this sounds unbelievable but the other day, on the school run, she was stopped by a passing policeman!!!

DD is so incensed by these unwanted enquiries that she has started telling people that despite appearances she is "actually part Nigerian, like one of my mums"! If DP is picking DD up from a new club I always speak to them first and say "by the way DD's other mum is black" I know this sounds excessive but DP is absolutely sick of getting dirty, suspicious looks when she turns up.

I hope you are able to speak to the head teacher about this incident and that your DS is feeling better now.

And I'm sorry to say but despite the fact that this may not be the case, this "feels racist" when it happens to us to.

I can't believe a TA would say this. It's so unlikely that I think you need to find out exactly what was said.

I don't think it was racist, I think it was a horribly insensitive thing to say to a child in the first place, let alone to keep blundering on after your lovely and confident boy had explained to her. She should have said something admiring and positive about it at the least.
TAs have a line manager that isn't the teacher, it is usually a deputy or the head. I would ask for a meeting and go in prepared with notes if I wasn't sure I'd make my case clearly. What she did was unacceptable, and needs addressing. She is ignorant and needs enlightenment. Possibly with a torch and pitchfork.

FWIW I have several friends who have children of dual heritage. My lovely Scandinavian blonde friend is often asked if the very Nigerian pair of twins she has are adopted. They aren't. Likewise with another Bengali friend who married a very pale blond bloke and whose children have arrived with light brown hair and grey eyes.

Isn't racism treating someone differently because of their race- or having prejudice based on someone's race? This doesn't seem the case here.... But obviously the TA was well out of order to keep hounding the little chap about his "real" dad- ridiculously insensitive and intrusive. This is what should be taken up with the head.

YANBU, is DS calls your partner daddy, then that is his daddy, and the TA should accept such and not question it, especially just on the basis that your son does not look like your partner. My brother is distinctly asian like myself but his children are blue eyed and ginger, so looks count for nothing sometimes.

Racism - The belief that inherent different traits in human racial groups justify discrimination. There has to be an element of prejudice/discrimination to establish racism.

Your 'real parents' are the ones who bring you up and look after you.
If your son is happy then that's all that matters and it really is nobody else's business.
If I were you I would be very pissed off with the TA and I would go into the school - who does she think she is to comment on this matter?!

Your DH/DS's race is the reason the TA thinks that he cannot be his father- this does not mean that her assumption was racist. It was wrong, but not racist.

I think there are more than sufficient grounds for complaint here- in fact, if you mention racism, you are likely to weaken your complaint at this stage. I would go to the head.

I am not saying that the TA does not hold racist views, but you cannot assume that she does based on her actions so far.

You can, however, assume that she is an idiot.

Think about it, the same TA might well have expressed disbelief at a 70 year old picking up his reception child, 'He can't be your dad, is he your grandad?' .
Or at a gay couple collecting a child,'They can't both be your mummy, which one is your real mummy?'

OMFG that is outrageous!!! I would be reporting this to the school, how fucking dare she

What a stupid thing to say - the TA should have known better.
Would it be worth explaining the obvious point that 'real' parents are those who bring up and care about DCs to the TA, so as to keep the whole situation as calm as possible.
It's definitely worth addressing. This TA should be much more careful and aware of how to behave.
My gut reaction is that this sort of suggests a racist assumption on the TA's part, but as others have said, it doesn't demonstrate that this actually was the case, so it would probably be better not to bring this in as a part of a complaint, just to point out that this TA hasn't been very aware of (your) child's feelings and should really think about expressing her(?)self much more appropriately and sensitively (and intelligently).

The TA would have been through training and knows that she shouldn't have said this.

True - but training shouldn't even come into it, what about common bloody sense

OP, definitely approach it with the school, but from an "insensitive to say such a hurtful thing" perspective rather than a "racist assumption" perspective.

YANBU. My biological father also did a runner when my mum was pregnant. My real dad is the man who adopted and raised me.

Oh I don't think it is racist though, just stupid and unthinking.

I don't see a problem. My children refer to their biological dad as their real dad and my dp as their mummy dad. I would have though to most people (outside mumsnet at least) "real" dad means biological dad, good or bad. I don't see it as a slur on the non biological dad at all.. I think YABU

The point is, Zookeeper that it is your children's choice as to how they refer to their parents. The OP's son has made a different choice, and it should be respected.
FWIW my 'real' dad was the father who brought me up. I never met my biological father and he certainly did nothing to deserve the label of dad, let alone 'real' dad. I have met my biological mother and she is a very nice person, but she is not my 'real' mum. And it frankly pisses me off when other people presume to tell people like me who we are supposed to regard as our 'real' parents. That's our decision to make.

but surely when you refer to him as your real dad people think he's your biological father?

You really don't get it, do you?

NO I suppose I don't .Biological dad is the real dad, good or bad. Simple.

Well thank you Zookeeper for providing an excellent demonstration of exactly the kind of attitude the OP's DS came up against from his TA. And to think some people on this thread said it was hard to believe.