to think this TA was really out of order about DS's 'real dad'

[crosspatches]

DS is 7. His biological father left when I was pregnant. When DS was 2 I got together with DH, who was a friend before (have known him since I was 12).

DS calls DH Daddy. His bio father is in his life now, and DS is completely 'in the know' and happy about the situation. He calls bio father by his first name at bio father's request.

When it comes up, he will explain that DH is his daddy but X 'helped mummy make me'. It does come up because DH is of Korean heritage and DS has my colouring - blonde and blue-eyed.

DS was upset when I got him from school yesterday and after a while he told me that after DH dropped him off at school, the TA asked him who that man was, and DS said it was his Daddy and the TA said "he can't be your Daddy", and DS said that he was his Daddy but that X helped me make him and the TA said "oh, then he's not your real dad".

DS said that DH was his real dad and she told him no, he wasn't. DS says he was "too sad to keep saying Daddy is my real dad".

I am furious and planning to speak to the TA after school today but AIBU? Because part of my anger is the "he can't be your Daddy" - what if DS was adopted? It feels racist to me but I am very sensitive to that.

Email to the head and copy in the Chair of governors. This does not conform to Equality and Diversity policy and practice should not be 'lost' in an informal meeting. The TA has no way of knowing that your DP has not formally adopted, but in any case your DC is well informed and all involved adults are happy with the situation.

Yes for me the upsetting bit is that she told DS that DH couldn't be his Daddy. If she was ignorant nosy enough to want to know the relationship then she should've shut up when DS explained.

"He can't be your Daddy" - I think she can only have said that based on the fact that DH is a different ethnicity, and to me that is a racist assumption. But like I said, I am very sensitive.

I will see the head, that's a good idea.

Just to add, your DH is his "real dad", just not his biological father.

Everyone working in Children and Family services has had training aound these matters, so no excuse.

If she had any concern about who was dropping your child off, she should have clarified it with the teacher, not pushed it further with your DS.

I'd speak to her and the Head, and I'd also laugh with ds and say goodness, she is a silly old bat isn't she? Some people are too daft for words.

Because he may come up against it again in life and it's as well to be prepared.

I think the OP should email the head by all means (or even better speak to them), but I can't see any reason to copy in CoG - it doesn't come within the remit of the GB unless the school has failed to deal with it in a satisfactory manner. I do think, however, that she ought to speak to the class teacher in the first instance to explain the situation and clarify what she expects - and maybe request a meeting the HT as well.

I would make a formal complaint via the head ... really poor practice and a long way past a daft slip if the tongue.

I'd go and speak to her then go to the head. What a fucking ignorant woman. Demand answers from her first though, what the worm squirm.

Why do you think you are supersensitive crosspatches?

The fact that she told your son he was wrong is, for me, the worst bit.

She had no idea what your family set up is, from the sound of it. Your child can call whoever he likes 'dad' - the fact that he's doing this should tell any involved adult that even if it's not his biological dad, it's the person he 'sees' as his dad.

And as others have said, going by looks alone she couldn't have been 100% sure this wasn't his biological dad.

What if your son wasn't fully aware of the situation? As it happens, he's completely in the picture and very comfortable with it, but if he hadn't been, how awful of her to think she has the right to be explaining this to him.

I'd be fuming.

You might Wannabe, but I don't. Based on personal experience of having it said to me as a child.
But go right ahead with your passive agressive troll hunting.

yanbu, but handle it gently with her I advise as sure its not malicous

My Dd's father is mixed race and black. I am dark haired, brown eyed and olive skinned, a different mixed race. Dd is blond and blue eyed. No one would think ex was her father either tbh, but I wouldn't have taken those assumptions as racist at all, though YANBU about what the TA said to your Ds.

OP YANBU, I would complain to the head. It is utter nonsense to claim that someone "can't be your real dad" just because they don't look like alike.

It is an unthinking ignorant racism to think that certain characteristics , (mainly skin colour, but also certain facial features) are any more inheritable than any others.

I think the TA was being (perhaps unconcsiously) racist and displaying her total ignorance of genetics. Even if the TA fell for this misconception, and thought to herself that OPs son had a different biological father, she was completely out of order to argue about it and needs pulling up and educating.

Just for the record, my son is the spit of his father, anyone not knowing his father would assume I adopted him. But FGS even if I had adopted him, you'd still expect school to treat me as his "real mother".

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YANBU to tackle this TA. What she said was insensitive and thoughtless. It undermines your sons feelings and she over-stepped more than one boundary here.

YABU though re it being a racist remark and I feel that adding this to your comments to the Class Teacher/Head or both will over shadow the wrong doing here - this being the hurt she could have caused to your little boy

That was an extraordinarily crass and insensitive thing to say to your DS, even if it had just been a passing comment, but to keep insisting that he was wrong about his own family is just ignorant and cruel. Definitely take it up with the school, preferably in writing, so you can't be dismissed. I think the head teacher needs to speak to the TA about it.

what angers me the most is that she persisted (asking inappropriate questions aside) with the 'he can't be your daddy' aspect.

how can you be missing the atom of common sense to know not to say something like that to a child?

go to the class teacher / head and express just how upset you are and insist they train their staff better. it is unacceptable.

I am confused about what you are saying here Worra. Just because a child is obviously of a different ethnicity to his parents doesn't mean they can't be his 'real' parents. What if he were adopted? Or are you one of those people who think adoptive parents aren't real. Because if you are have one of these

You can have it right back Themumsnot and chew on it while you learn not to jump to silly conclusions.

OP, my point is that for the TA to assume your DH couldn't be your child's Father, is ignorance....not racism.

At the very least the head should thank you (and explain to your DS) that this has highlighted a very important failing in their Equality and Diversity training!

I would be raging. I'd also have made a formal complaint to the school by now. I get very 'mummy tiger' about someone upsetting my boys anyway but this is ignorance in the extreme.

The TA was being unprofessional and inappropriate. She should never question families make up. I would speak to the head and the class teacher.

The TA was out of order and needs pulling up on it. But Ido think that this is the sort of thing that schools should know about so that mistakes aren't made and staff know where they need to be extra sensitive. IMO, you should have told the school the situation so that there was no confusion.

YABU to think it was racist. It wasn't. It was just a gobby TA that clearly doesn't know when to stop talking.

I'd make a formal complaint. I doubt there was any racist element to it, but she definitely shouldn't have continued to shout your DS down when he told her how it was. Lessons in appropriate behaviour and a little empathy wouldn't go astray.

I see why you think it might be racism but I think its also a lot of ignorance.

The TA was very unproffessional and it sounds a little old fashioned and she doesn't realise that the modern family can look completely different to what it did 60 years ago.