to think this TA was really out of order about DS's 'real dad'

[crosspatches]

DS is 7. His biological father left when I was pregnant. When DS was 2 I got together with DH, who was a friend before (have known him since I was 12).

DS calls DH Daddy. His bio father is in his life now, and DS is completely 'in the know' and happy about the situation. He calls bio father by his first name at bio father's request.

When it comes up, he will explain that DH is his daddy but X 'helped mummy make me'. It does come up because DH is of Korean heritage and DS has my colouring - blonde and blue-eyed.

DS was upset when I got him from school yesterday and after a while he told me that after DH dropped him off at school, the TA asked him who that man was, and DS said it was his Daddy and the TA said "he can't be your Daddy", and DS said that he was his Daddy but that X helped me make him and the TA said "oh, then he's not your real dad".

DS said that DH was his real dad and she told him no, he wasn't. DS says he was "too sad to keep saying Daddy is my real dad".

I am furious and planning to speak to the TA after school today but AIBU? Because part of my anger is the "he can't be your Daddy" - what if DS was adopted? It feels racist to me but I am very sensitive to that.

Years ago I was on playground duty when I saw a possible problem developing.
A bloke was trying to talk to one of our Y5 pupils over the boundary fence.
So I went over to see what he wanted. Just in time for her to roar 'You ain't my dad, I'm a good fuck you had ten years ago and then you pissed off. I've got a dad and it ain't you.'
So she seemed fairly clear whom she thought had parented her and been her dad.

She had a great family and was a very dynamic and confident girl.

I have never once referred to my biological father as my 'real' father.

God forbid anyone would refer to the biological father as the real father . Heinous.

I will leave you with your (very evident) anger and your ishooos.

Nope, you really don't understand it do you?
Does the mighty sperm trump all other possible interpretations of what being a father and a dad means to so many others?
Or are you posting with a passion for dictionary definitions?

You do that, dear.

I am in bad way! Your poor DS!

YANBU - She is unbelievably ignorant. My Neices have the same parents and my bil's is from Trinidad, but whereas one has big brown eyes, masses of curly hair and darker skin the other has blue eyes, pale skin and blonde ringlets! What would you TA have to say to my big rastafarian bil picking his youngest daughter up from school I wonder?

Love it, Dust. If only I'd had her opportunity. My bio father was a waste of space who ran out on my bio mother when she was pregnant. I owe him nothing and certainly not the title of 'real' dad. My Dad earned that title.

Zoo anyone who uses "ishoos" instead of issues clearly has them.

We have three donor conceived children. It isn't pedantic or wishful thinking to call their dad their dad rather than the donor. Dad is a relationship. It is tautologous to call dh their 'real dad' and incorrect to call the donor it.

So what do they call your partner?
Will they have a relationship with the sperm donor?

My partner? Daddy. No relationship with donor-conceived before anonymity removed.

I have two donor conceived children through Egg donation. I have encountered this type of ignorance within my own family and it makes me . For a TA to say this to a child is ignorant and stupid and needs to be addressed.

I think my first post was a bit quick - for us there is a real distinction between donor and dad-one has to do with biology and one is to do with relationship. Not saying that's the case for everyone but it would be incorrect within our parameters and definitions to use dad for our children's biological father, 'real' or otherwise. But I guess you can get too hung up in the semantics.

Good grief, how appalling.

Yes, you need to complain, and to address your complaint to the head. I do think this needs flagging as an incident that could be interpreted as racist - some people who were subject to these remarks would consider them racist. I'm prepared to believe the TA is ignorant rather than deliberately racist, but the school need to be aware of the danger of allowing people to go around making such stupid and wrong assumptions. Next time she does it, someone might well call it racism and it will have to be logged as a racist incident.

Ahem.
Have your stick back them Molehill, I think I got the wrong end of it.

No worries dust Just reread my post and I should have said "I" can get too hung up on semantics-not implying anyone else is. One of the great things about our way of making a family is that I have reflected a lot on what makes a mother, father etc. my own family has helped a lot, weirdly! I am not close to my mother-calling her mum feels wrong when typed and my mother in law is definitely my mum figure. And dh isn't biologically related to my dc but he's the one they're closest to. People with more straight forward set ups can be more closed to the absolute reality I have lived that nature has to be coupled with nurture to make a mum or dad. IMO and ime, you can't have just the biology to make it work. God -I love my dh and how fantastic a dad he is. It makes me to think that some people would value someone who can produce sperm (deeply grateful though i am to our wonderful donor whoever he is) and disappear over someone who has been there (in our case but not necessarily) through morning sickness, tantrums and all the rest of the joys and woes of parenthood. Hooray for real dads! Thank goodness my dc's real dad will be home early today

Zookeeper - you have the sensitivity of a Brick. Think about it from the point of view of the small child.

Firstly, it's none of the TA's business.
Secondly, you don't dispute it with a child and carry on, despite the child repeating the contrary and getting upset.
And, as already stated, how does she know he's not adopted. In his eyes her DH is his real dad because he's 7.

Not sure why this would need explaining to you really

I hope you go and see the Head.

It's not racaist - but it is ignorant, stupid, hurtful and unacceptable and she needs telling - firmly.

molehill interested to read your post. We have a donor-conceived son (he's 2 so after anonymity ended) and I sometimes struggle with the way friends talk about it. They often say 'does DH love him like he was his own?' and 'are you worried he'll want to meet his real dad? and I have being defensive.

Have you had advice on how to talk to your children about it?

Sorry to hijack

Hi lidl darling-have joined the donor conception network-strangely because I felt I didn't want to before dc were older. Dd is six and we had a baby last year. We had talked to her about it since before she could talk and read a picture book called "my story" which the dd network publish. I went into see class teacher about it when I was pg as I was sure she'd talk about it. As yet-she is knoweledgeable but disinterested in her conception. We have really only spoken to very close friends about it. It's private but not secret as far as we are concerned. At some point I'm sure everyone will know, but it's not something that's relevant for toddler group or school gate conversations. The health visitor used to ask more than was necessary whether dh had bonded with dd. looking back, he bonded much better than I did, but neither of those facts were related to the conception. I will post this, but I'm sure I've forgotten your original question - no...it was about did we get help or talk to anyone. We both had counselling initially at the clinic, then I did when pg with dd1. I had a long chat with the founder of the dc network when I was mulling over people outside our close circle being told and I also joined fertility friends. There was a lovely lady on there who was a few years ahead of me and she was really helpful in reassuring me. But you're welcome to pm me if you like. If I can help!

And of course you're defensive-that's your child's daddy they're talking about. If its any help, I feel less defensive now a few years on because I know that they just don't understand it all because they haven't lived it and chewed it all over like we would. When you have people (as we did at a dinner party recently) taking deep pride in the efficacy of their husbands sperm ("he shoots he scores" was the comment ) and you know they're decent people you know it's a gap of understanding and empathy rather than them being daft. If you keep talking to people they will realise its actually no biggie really. I find this amazing, but I think one of the couples we've shared our story with have actually forgotten about the donor bit!

Last hijack good to meet you btw lidl don't know any dd parents in real life

my DD1s father is referred to as her sperm doner, she has never met him and probably never will, she is 21 now. He is on no way on this planer her dad.

zoo that's a pile of crap. My biological dad doesn't even know I exist. My real dad is the one who has cared for me since I was a baby. I really hate that saying.