Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish my SIL would lose a bit of weight?

101 replies

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 14:52

For the past 3 years me, DH, DSis and her DH have been on holiday with our kids (5 of them in total,all under 10). The kids are a handful, but good fun and it's good the cousins get this time together. HOWEVER, the problem is my sis. I love her dearly, I really do but she is quite heavily overweight and every holiday she spends almost the whole two weeks spread on a lounger not doing much. Fair enough, that's what hols are for after all. But, inevitably it ends up being me who's chucking the kids in the pool, building sandcastles, running back and forth to get the drinks and ice cream. Up until now I've accepted this but in a bit of a heart to heart with her over a few wines last night she admitted that she kids on she's a 'hands off' mum (she does a lot of the 'leave them to it' thing) because she is ashamed of her size. I've always suspected this but she has always been one of these people who say 'size doesn't matter' etc. So, this morning I said to her, 'after what we spoke about last night, if you need some support, I'll help'. I suggested we meet to go swimming this week. You can't imagine my surprise when she went ballistic with me. Accused me of being naive, how can I think it's that easy etc etc and then had the cheek to accuse me of wanting her to slim for the holiday because I'm embarrassed of her appearance! This could not be further from the truth. I'm really sad today, AIBU to think she should try, if it's making her miserable?

OP posts:
Original poster
chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 14:53

Oops, title should say SIS, not SIL!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/02/2012 14:54

And where is her Husband when you're being a martyr?

Come to think of it, where is yours?

Why do you feel it's down to you to sort all the kids out? Confused

FabbyChic · 19/02/2012 14:56

Id tell her if she cannot pull her weight on holiday looking after her own children then she doesn;t go with you. Simple really isn't it.

Bunbaker · 19/02/2012 14:56

Why do you have to go on holiday with her? Go without her next time. You aren't an unpaid childminder. Your sister is being lazy because you are enabling her.

overmydeadbody · 19/02/2012 14:58

Worra I don't think she sounds like a martyr.

chill I think, by your sister's reaction, her weight is a very sensitive sore subject for her.

Next time you go on holiday, don't do as much unless you want to though.

Trills · 19/02/2012 14:59

Why have you phrased this as "wish she would lose weight" rather than "wish she would stop expecting you to do all the childcare on holiday"? Hmm

If she lost weight she could still lie around doing nothing and letting you do all the work.

Original poster
chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 14:59

Oh they're there, and they all pitch in, I was talking about the times when it would be just me and sis at the pool. Our hubbies are those weirdo types who like to 'explore' the area. Me and sis like the pool/beach, as do the kids so they spend more time with us, it's not an issue.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 14:59

But, inevitably it ends up being me who's chucking the kids in the pool, building sandcastles, running back and forth to get the drinks and ice cream

Where are the DH's when you are doing all of this?

There's nothing in the rules that say you have to do all of that on holiday either you know - kids can amuse themselves without Martyr Mummy.

If you want to do it, do it, if you don't - then don't. But let your sister do as she pleases for whatever reason.

If it was because you thought she was miserable, you wouldn't have included all of the 'poor me' shite at the beginning. I think you need to have a good think about your motives.

ohbugrit · 19/02/2012 14:59

The holiday thing - arrange some sort of rota so you all get adult time.

The weight thing - I'd apologise deeply for making the mistake of trying to offer support and promise not to do it again :) (PA)

Trills · 19/02/2012 14:59

So YABU to want her to lose weight, because that won't solve your problem.

ivykaty44 · 19/02/2012 15:00

I would tell her she can't have it both ways

she is a hands off mum and leaves her dc for you to catch and ferry as she is ashamed of her size

or she is happy with her size and therefore will be hands on and fetching and carrying with the rest of you

let her choose and not both choices but one choice and when she has made up her mind please let you know

ILoveGregoryHouse · 19/02/2012 15:00

Well, no, I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think she is. But she is clearly very embarrassed and upset about her situation to the extent that it looks like she's projecting on to you. I don't know what to suggest that will help other than apologizing that you've inadvertently upset her and then just leaving it. And when I say leaving it, I mean looking after your own kids on holiday and asking her to pull her weight by looking after her own. She can't have it both ways. Much sympathy, though, not a nice situation to be in.

Original poster
chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 15:01

Why have you phrased this as "wish she would lose weight" rather than "wish she would stop expecting you to do all the childcare on holiday"?
[sigh]
That's not the case at all. I love doing stuff with the kids, I'm sad for my sis as now I think deep down she wants to get more involved but feels she can't.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 19/02/2012 15:01

YABU. This is nothing to do with weight and all to do with attitude. If you want her to change her behaviour, tell her you're not willing to run around after the children. Leave her weight out of this. Not surprised she was upset.

OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 15:03

You could direct her towards a really nice swimsuit that she won't feel self-conscious in??

Landsend do a nice selection

valiumredhead · 19/02/2012 15:05

Oh God I can imagine how that conversation would go jamie "I know you're a bit on the hefty side but a nice cossie from Lands End will do just the trick!' Grin

GetOrfMoiiLand · 19/02/2012 15:05

I wouldn't go on holiday with them.

Sorted.

OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 15:05

Landsend swimsuits

Original poster
chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 15:07

But I don't particularly want her to change her behaviour, we're very different personalities. I couldn't lie on a lounger all day, I'd be bored so I don't mind mucking in with her kids at all. It's just all falling in to place now that she's admitted she's unhappy with her size. I can see it's holding her back now, whereas in the past she has always seemed comfortable with herself.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiiLand · 19/02/2012 15:07

Yeah send her this link and then run somewhere very distant. Grin

OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 15:08

Wellllll. yes, could come over like that. But she did say she was self conscious about her size. Let's face it, most of us aren't 100% happy about swanning around in a swim suit. A nice boned covering one can really help

GetOrfMoiiLand · 19/02/2012 15:09

I think you can be as thin as you like, with the most flattering swimsuit known to man, but it's that feeling of your exposed arse when bending down to sort your kids out which is the killer.

The only answer is margaritas.

JustHecate · 19/02/2012 15:09

Stop going on holiday with them

Or tell them how you feel

Or tell them that because of you think it's time to call a halt to joint holidays

Or don't supervise her children. Tell her she has to do it herself.

You have a responsibility to outline what is and what is not acceptable to you. Tell her.

OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 15:11

Actually- I think you should leave her be. She totally hit out at you because she's feeling bad and stuck and change is difficult to it's easier to say "it won't work". You can't push her. She won't change if she feels presurised

valiumredhead · 19/02/2012 15:12

jamie is right!