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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish my SIL would lose a bit of weight?

101 replies

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 14:52

For the past 3 years me, DH, DSis and her DH have been on holiday with our kids (5 of them in total,all under 10). The kids are a handful, but good fun and it's good the cousins get this time together. HOWEVER, the problem is my sis. I love her dearly, I really do but she is quite heavily overweight and every holiday she spends almost the whole two weeks spread on a lounger not doing much. Fair enough, that's what hols are for after all. But, inevitably it ends up being me who's chucking the kids in the pool, building sandcastles, running back and forth to get the drinks and ice cream. Up until now I've accepted this but in a bit of a heart to heart with her over a few wines last night she admitted that she kids on she's a 'hands off' mum (she does a lot of the 'leave them to it' thing) because she is ashamed of her size. I've always suspected this but she has always been one of these people who say 'size doesn't matter' etc. So, this morning I said to her, 'after what we spoke about last night, if you need some support, I'll help'. I suggested we meet to go swimming this week. You can't imagine my surprise when she went ballistic with me. Accused me of being naive, how can I think it's that easy etc etc and then had the cheek to accuse me of wanting her to slim for the holiday because I'm embarrassed of her appearance! This could not be further from the truth. I'm really sad today, AIBU to think she should try, if it's making her miserable?

OP posts:

OriginalJamie · 19/02/2012 15:12

Ah but Getorf - in a swim-mini your arse can be hidden. It's genius. Except you feel a bit overdressed amongst the string bikinis

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2012 15:13

So she's basically told you that she's a 'hands off mum' because of her size

But how does her size prevent her from buying the children some drinks for example, or sitting up on the beach to build sandcastles?

Every beach I've ever been on has probably had more overweight people on it than not.

By all means encourage her to lose weight, but don't assume it'll do anything to stop her being lazy.

Trills · 19/02/2012 15:21

It sounds like you are projecting your own feelings onto her.

I couldn't lie on a lounger all day, so she must be doing it because something is wrong. Not because she just prefers to do that and knows you will do the boring kid stuff.

mrspepperpotty · 19/02/2012 15:24

OP, I can understand why you feel sad and frustrated for your sister, but it's such a sensitive topic you're better off leaving her to work this out for herself.

I'm a little overweight, not as much as your sister by the sound of it (it certainly doesn't stop me being a hands-on mum), but I'd love to lose a stone or two. Every now and then I ask DH to 'help me be good' and the poor man groans because he knows it's a no-win situation for him. If he doesn't say anything he's not supporting me, if he does say something (eg 'are you really hungry enough to eat that massive plate of pasta?') then I get defensive and snap at him to stop being mean to me and he has no idea what it's like for me as he's naturally slender.

Just stay out of it. Hopefully she'll lose weight in her own time.

Bunbaker · 19/02/2012 15:36

"Our hubbies are those weirdo types who like to 'explore' the area"

What's so weird about wanting to explore a new place? I think it would be weird not to.

I think your sister is using her weight as an excuse. She could be more hands on if she really wanted to. She is just being lazy and you are helping her to be lazy. I bet she enjoys going on holiday with you because she knows that she gets free childcare so she can sit on her a**e all day. Stop enabling her, and leave her weight out of it.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 19/02/2012 15:44

Your sister is using her weight as a excuse to be lazy. There are plenty of overweight people that do busy full on jobs, and are very hands on as parents. It's easier for someone to say 'I don't want to do that because I fell self conscious and insecure' than it isto say 'I don't want to do that becauseim lazy and I can't be arsed'. One statement has the potential to get you sympathy, one statement has the potential to get you a kick up the bum.

Stop running around after her and let her sort her own dc out.

OnceICaughtAFishAlive · 19/02/2012 15:48

Sorry, have not read all the replies (so appologise I repeat something others have said)

It sounds to me like she is unhappy, and felt put on the spot with your offer. If she didn't feel safe in the conversation maybe her fight or flight instinct kicked in, and she lashed out verbally.

Clearly she is a nice person, otherwise you wouldn't be going on holiday regularly with each other.

If she has only just confided in you, then maybe she has been trying to lose weight secretly, but not succeeding.

Original poster

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 15:55

*"Our hubbies are those weirdo types who like to 'explore' the area"

What's so weird about wanting to explore a new place? I think it would be weird not to.*
I was being flippant, forgot obligatory face, apologies.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 19/02/2012 15:57

I think you should all go and explore the area at least some of the time. That way your DH's would be helping with the kids and your Dsis would get a little exercise. But do let her just lie by the pool as well. Don't mention her weight again as she does sound a bit sensitive about it.

piprabbit · 19/02/2012 16:01

Your sister went ballistic at you because you have (unwittingly) jumped in and stomped all over what is probably the most vulnerable area of her life.

Last night she got tipsy and let down her barriers just far enough to admit she has a problem and feels ashamed. She may have found this first, seemingly tiny, step very difficult. She may even regret having allowed herself to talk to you about her weight.

You sound like a lovely, caring sister with quite a dynamic personality. You have identified a problem and come up with a solution (e.g. swimming) - now to implement the solution. But the speed with which you have moved may feel like to your sister like you are taking control of her problem and rushing her to change faster than she feels comfortable with. Swimming is a lovely idea, but it will also force your sister to appear in a swimsuit in front of strangers - more shame for her, more pressure to face her body issues.

In your shoes, I'd be tempted to forget this morning's conversation. There's a whole load of emotion going on, and you are an easy target. If you seriously mean that you will support your sister, don't nag her about her weight. Instead listen when she wants to talk and keep presenting her with different ideas that might help her (recommend recipes, invite her on a walk, ask her to join a dance class with you). If you are lucky something will eventually click. But please, don't let your sister's weight issues damage your relationship with her. If she can't change for herself, then you will have to accept her as she is.

LookAtAllTheseFucksIGive · 19/02/2012 16:02

Next time they go exploring tell them to take the kids. You sit with your sis and have some time together.

Original poster

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 16:03

I'm always puzzled by this 'weight taboo'. I really am. My OH is, shall we say, 'folically challenged', it's not a touchy subject, he laughs about it himself sometimes and jokes with the kids that 'his hair blew off' etc. Why are we not allowed to discuss weight? Now that I think about it, most of my plumper friends are very very tight lipped about the subject, yet moan about their unhappiness with hair/skin/teeth etc. At least weight is something that can be tackled, unlike my poor OH's gleaming dome! I have never been overweight, so would any of the larger ladies like to tell me just how badly I may have offended her, would you be offended?

OP posts:

mrspepperpotty · 19/02/2012 16:11

But his hair loss isn't under his control, is it? So by mentioning his bald spot you aren't implicitly calling him lazy or implying he should have more self control and stop stuffing his face with crisps.

piprabbit · 19/02/2012 16:11

Offend isn't quite the right word. Nor is taboo. I'm guessing that 'patronised' might be more accurate.

fhdl34 · 19/02/2012 16:13

I'm overweight, I wouldn't have gone ballistic at you but I probably wouldn't have appreciated your suggestion because it would involve getting in a swimming suit, which I'm sure even some slimmer people can feel self-conscious in. I'd have probably reacted more favourably to going walking.
It also depends how overweight she is, sometimes it takes all your effort just to walk up the stairs.
But really, she has to want to do it, it isn't really about having the opportunity to do something about it, it's about wanting to do it; if she isn't in the right frame of mind to do something about it, it's not going to happen any time soon. I had a friend who would react similarly to you, she was lovely and it was very kind of her to want to fix my problems but really, they were my problems just as your sister's are yours

hathorinareddress · 19/02/2012 16:16

You sound (to me) condescending, patronising and if I had been your SIL I would have been massively offended.

She wants a holiday and she wants to lie about and do not very much. Up to her and fuck all to do with her weight.

If you want to do less, I suggest your get your DH to do more with his children on a family holiday and stop playing the martyr.

hathorinareddress · 19/02/2012 16:17

Sorry SIS not SIL

Original poster

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 16:17

I'm going to phone her later and apologise, I feel very bad but I wasn't sure why until some of the replies. I do genuinely want what's best for her, and I thought she was happy until she told me she wasn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 16:19

*You sound (to me) condescending, patronising and if I had been your SIL I would have been massively offended.

She wants a holiday and she wants to lie about and do not very much. Up to her and fuck all to do with her weight.

If you want to do less, I suggest your get your DH to do more with his children on a family holiday and stop playing the martyr*
Did you even read the thread?

OP posts:

hathorinareddress · 19/02/2012 16:21

Yes, I did.

Would you like me to quote your posts back at you?

You play the martyr and do the "fun" stuff with the kids whilst your husband and BIL (I assume - your SIS's husband) go off and do manly things like explore the area and your SIS lies on the sunlounger relaxing.

Which of course, she only does because she's overweight, and it's nothing to do with her wanting to relax on holiday

piprabbit · 19/02/2012 16:21

Rightly or wrongly, having somebody else tell you that they can fix a problem (that you may have been struggling with for years) implies that they think you are a) incapable; b) a bit thick and c) in need of kick up the jacksy.

Instead of coming up with solutions for your sister, put the ball in her court and ask her what support she wants/needs from you.

hathorinareddress · 19/02/2012 16:23

And you sound bossy.

You need to just let your sister get on with her life and do what she wants to do when she wants to do it instead of getting her to do xyz, whether it's stuff with the kids on holiday OR lose weight.

Is she your younger sister?

PopcornBiscuit · 19/02/2012 16:23

YABU

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 16:23

Chilie - you keep changing your POV.

You should read all of your own posts again and work out how you actually feel - genuinely.

I'm sure Hath has read the thread - it's exactly how you are coming across.

LookAtAllTheseFucksIGive · 19/02/2012 16:25

I'm fat. I reserve the right to discuss my body as and how I choose. Just like anyone else. Discuss fatness, obesity etc as much as you like. I probably won't be listening. I never listen to advice that I didn't explicitly ask for.

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