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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish my SIL would lose a bit of weight?

101 replies

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 14:52

For the past 3 years me, DH, DSis and her DH have been on holiday with our kids (5 of them in total,all under 10). The kids are a handful, but good fun and it's good the cousins get this time together. HOWEVER, the problem is my sis. I love her dearly, I really do but she is quite heavily overweight and every holiday she spends almost the whole two weeks spread on a lounger not doing much. Fair enough, that's what hols are for after all. But, inevitably it ends up being me who's chucking the kids in the pool, building sandcastles, running back and forth to get the drinks and ice cream. Up until now I've accepted this but in a bit of a heart to heart with her over a few wines last night she admitted that she kids on she's a 'hands off' mum (she does a lot of the 'leave them to it' thing) because she is ashamed of her size. I've always suspected this but she has always been one of these people who say 'size doesn't matter' etc. So, this morning I said to her, 'after what we spoke about last night, if you need some support, I'll help'. I suggested we meet to go swimming this week. You can't imagine my surprise when she went ballistic with me. Accused me of being naive, how can I think it's that easy etc etc and then had the cheek to accuse me of wanting her to slim for the holiday because I'm embarrassed of her appearance! This could not be further from the truth. I'm really sad today, AIBU to think she should try, if it's making her miserable?

OP posts:

skylarsmammy · 19/02/2012 18:03

I know lots of larger ladies who are very active so I suspect she's lacking in confidence more than she is lazy. And if she's lacking in confidence the chances are she's embarrassed that she's confided in you whilst merry and is 'going ballistic' to hide this embarrassment. It's like all these celeb larger ladies who are all bubbly on screen then lose the weight and admit they were miserable. People are shocked, and I think maybe you're a bit shocked by your sister's revelation.
Don't worry, we all misjudge sometimes. You're not a bad person, despite all the nasty comments you've received. Phone her, apologise for reading it wrong and leave it. Enjoy your holiday, I love carrying on with the kids at the pool too

Bonsoir · 19/02/2012 18:08

Your sister sounds quite lazy and selfish!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 18:15

Bonsoir - all you know about this woman is that she doesn't build sandcastles or throw her children into the pool... hardly enough to call her lazy & selfish. How often do you throw your DD or your SS's into the pool when you are on holiday with them?

hathorinareddress · 19/02/2012 18:18

Chipping - I agree completely.

BillyBollyBandy · 19/02/2012 18:54

How overweight is she? Morbidly or just a little?

Original poster

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 18:58

My sister is not lazy and selfish! She has a very demanding job and 3 very demanding kids. Please don't think that of her.
billy I'm not sure she's morbidly obese, she is 5'3" and wears clothing size 22 or 24, so she's more than a little overweight but she's not immobile or anything!

OP posts:

JoyceDivision · 19/02/2012 19:09

Op, I agree with you, don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Possibly your sis was expecting that after admitting her weight was causing her lack of confidence to be active withe the dcs, taht you would possibly recognise why she didn't do much and 'help' her lack of confidence by doing all the activties. Instead of allowing her to sit on her arse, you've made sugestion to tackle the problem and I think it's caused her to go off on one possibly for two reasons. Firstly, even though she had the chat with you about her weight, it seems it's a tpoic she is so embarrased about that even though it's been acknowledged by her to you, you should never mention it, and she's now thinking that her weight is what she is being summed up by. Secondly, she paid lip service to the issue, but can't e arsed tp d anything about it and when you've made a reasonable suggestion, she's furious because she hasn't the motivation to want to do much about it and you've shown that up.

TBH, I'd tell her to stop being so arsey with you, you were only trying to help, and if she's going to be so foul about the topic she can be hands on with her dc as you won't do it for her....

BillyBollyBandy · 19/02/2012 19:17

Okay so big enough to atract attention in a swimsuit rather than self consious due to wobbly bits - iykwim.

She will know that she should exercise more and eat less if she wants to be smaller. However it will take a fairly long time from that sort of size to get down to say a 12, and so it may seem pointless to her to start. She may have tried to loose weight before and failed, feel shit about failure, eat more - see where I am going wth this

And saying she is lazy and selfish (I know you are not OP) is cruel and unnecessary. Unless calling other people with lifestyle problems such as alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc are also just selfish and lazy for not dealing with their issues/addictions.

I would wait to see if she mentions anything again, and if she does tell her you are there for her and will support her if she wants you to in any way she wants. YWNBU in your intention at all, however swimming was probably not the best suggestion for her.

Original poster

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 19:23

Thank you billy I've felt bad all day. I realise now swimming might not have been the best idea, it's just that everyone says it's the best form of exercise and it's something I do every now and again so it sort of felt like I was welcoming her to come along as opposed to 'right, let's DO THIS!' sort of gung ho attitude someone mentioned earleir. It wasn't like that at all.
I love my sister, I really do. She is a lovely woman with a big heart and I'm just feeling miserable at having upset her, and worried that she thinks her weight has ever been an issue for me, which it certainly hasn't [misery face].

OP posts:

dandelionss · 19/02/2012 19:25

So you think she's lazy because she's fat. So fat people are all lazy are they?

GnomeDePlume · 19/02/2012 19:27

As someone who is morbidly obese I can honestly say that going swimming is the last thing that I would want to do.

When on holiday I do not build sandcastles or throw children into pools. Not because I am morbidly obese but because:

a I hate beaches
b I loathe those people who throw children into pools, I hate all that hysterical screaming. More importantly, throwing children into pools is a good way of risking an afternoon spent in the local A&E (I used to be a pool lifeguard and have cleaned up the blood!)

I am so glad I have brothers who dont feel the urge to interfere in my life.

BillyBollyBandy · 19/02/2012 19:27

You are clearly close, say that to her - just say "I'm sorry, I would never try to upset you, I love you and I think you're perfect". She might then tell you more about what is upsetting her or she may not - but she knows you value her for her and that's the important thing. Particularly if she wants to talk about anything relating to weight in future.

JoyceDivision · 19/02/2012 19:36

Dandelionss, the op hasn't said she thinks her sis is lazy, her sis has said she doiesn't get hands on because of her size Don't think op is saying all fat people are lazy...

Gnome... op was making a suggestion to her sis after her sis had started and had a chat with her about her weight, not interfering in her life!

FFS shoot down the op everyone, why not? After all, if the fat person starts crying it must be because they've been picked on, not because they've over-recated slightly? (And before everyone jumps down my throat, I'm a plus size bird...)

NormanTebbit · 19/02/2012 20:07

Her 'laziness' may be simple self consciousness. She is inconspicuous on a sun lounger, maybe doesn't want to get up and be compared to her slimmer sister.

You need to build her confidence and offer to accompany her on some sort of exercise class ( if that 's what she wants) or help her go hillwalking/ cycling etc if she wants to be more active.

Don't offer opinions about food - that is something she must sort out herself but just help her be more active. Also maybe a decent swimming costume she feels more confident in... This could give her the confidence to get up and build sandcastles etc

TheLightPassenger · 19/02/2012 20:37

the best exercise for someone significantly overweight is brisk walking, just enough activity to get a bit hot and puffy, but still able to speak. it's free, requires no specialist equipment and fits easily into your day. or if she's too embarassed to do that, Rosemary Conley does some good cheap and basic exercise DVDs that are realistic, shall we say.

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 21:14

Can't believe people are being so nasty to you. Are they all closet fatties expressing their own issues? I don't think you need the advice of mumsnet all these nasty bitches you know you've upset your dear sis and I'm sure all will work out. That's the beauty of having sisters. Good luck.

maddening · 19/02/2012 21:18

you just hit a nerve, possibly went about it the wrong way

GnomeDePlume · 19/02/2012 21:24

JoyceDivision - it is a bit interfering if the DSis didnt invite the subsequent comments or helpful suggestions.

Unfortunately this is an example of well-intentioned thoughtlessness.

I'm not a closet fatty BTW (no closet big enough for me to fit in).

MULLYPEEP · 19/02/2012 21:33

Aw no swimming is the last thing you want to do if you think you are heavy. I'd say you are sorry you hurt her feelings and if she wants someone to go walking with then you will go. She's got to want to do it herself. Otherwise just find a way to even up the workload when on hols.

QuintessentialyHollow · 20/02/2012 09:36

" I'm just feeling miserable at having upset her, and worried that she thinks her weight has ever been an issue for me, which it certainly hasn't "

You should tell her that your issue is not with her weight, but how it makes her behave.

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 09:53

I wouldnt go on holiday together or if you do tell her children to go and ask mummy for x y z , dont run about after them she is seeing you do it then lounging sipping her drink , You cant force her to loose weight though that has to come from her , I can sympathise with lazy parents My bil and SIL can be like this in social situations last time was a christening mum was so drunk i had to put toddler and feed baby as she was unable ,

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 09:54

toddler to bed*

QuintessentialyHollow · 20/02/2012 09:57

I would tell her straight that it is getting on your nerves that SHE is having a holiday watching you look after your own AND her kids, and this is not a holiday for you.

You did not have an issue with her weight until she admitted that the reason she let you work like a slave on holiday is due to her own weight.

I am sorry but your sister sounds like a bit of a cow, and I would not go on any more holidays with her. Let her go on her own, and look after her own kids.

And you go on your own, and have only your own children to enjoy.

Bunbaker · 20/02/2012 19:42

"And you sound bossy."

Ahem.

I can't believe how nasty some of the posts on here have become. I also happen to have a very overweight sister and I don't discuss her weight with her. She is a very intelligent woman with absolutely no willpower, but her weight is her problem not mine (sadly it is very much a problem because she has now developed type 2 diabetes). I'm pretty sure my sister is sensitive about her weight so I never go near the subject, but I do wish she had fewer health problems.

foreverondiet · 20/02/2012 19:50

I wouldn't go on holiday with her again. I'd just say that you have no intention of looking after her children.

FWIW my sil is the same (hands off leaves me and DH to look after the kids) but she is thin.

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