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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish my SIL would lose a bit of weight?

101 replies

chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 14:52

For the past 3 years me, DH, DSis and her DH have been on holiday with our kids (5 of them in total,all under 10). The kids are a handful, but good fun and it's good the cousins get this time together. HOWEVER, the problem is my sis. I love her dearly, I really do but she is quite heavily overweight and every holiday she spends almost the whole two weeks spread on a lounger not doing much. Fair enough, that's what hols are for after all. But, inevitably it ends up being me who's chucking the kids in the pool, building sandcastles, running back and forth to get the drinks and ice cream. Up until now I've accepted this but in a bit of a heart to heart with her over a few wines last night she admitted that she kids on she's a 'hands off' mum (she does a lot of the 'leave them to it' thing) because she is ashamed of her size. I've always suspected this but she has always been one of these people who say 'size doesn't matter' etc. So, this morning I said to her, 'after what we spoke about last night, if you need some support, I'll help'. I suggested we meet to go swimming this week. You can't imagine my surprise when she went ballistic with me. Accused me of being naive, how can I think it's that easy etc etc and then had the cheek to accuse me of wanting her to slim for the holiday because I'm embarrassed of her appearance! This could not be further from the truth. I'm really sad today, AIBU to think she should try, if it's making her miserable?

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 19/02/2012 16:27

The kids are happy to play by the pool? Yet they are a handful?

Seems to me that you are bringing them up to be lazy pool lounging creatures, much like yourself and your sister. Why not go exploring with the men? I think that would be a lot more exciting for you, and better for all, than just staying by the pool.

To be honest, I would not go on holiday with her again.

LookAtAllTheseFucksIGive · 19/02/2012 16:27

Your sis is probably embarrassed by her size and is hiding herself away. I do it myself.

Original poster
chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 16:28

Nothing to do with martyrdom, if it had been I'd never have went back on holiday with them the first time.
She is my older sister.
As I said, I'm confused. She confided in me, I offered a solution we could try together, she went nuts. I'm worried I've offended her. I never started the dialogue about her weight, she did and she brought up the holidays, not me, which is why I made the connection.

OP posts:
Original poster
chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 16:28

*after the first time

OP posts:
hathorinareddress · 19/02/2012 16:31

But it's not up to you to offer her a solution, can't you see that?

I would ship the kids off with the men to explore, and enjoy some time with her doing not very much and value her for the person she is - it isn't up to you to change her. Whether she is happy or not, it it entirely up to her and her alone.

And you still sound like a martyr.

piprabbit · 19/02/2012 16:31

BTW would your 'folically challenged' OH be upset if you seriously took him to one side and told you that you had booked a consultation with surgeon specialising in hair transplants? Would he feel you had overstepped the mark?

hathorinareddress · 19/02/2012 16:32

And bringing up something very sensitive that someone has said after a few too many wines - really quite often that does not go well

Original poster
chilihotdog · 19/02/2012 16:33

If he broke down and told me his baldness was having negative connotations on his quality of life I don't think he'd be surprised that someone who loves him wants to help!

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 19/02/2012 16:34

Tell the "hubbies" to do less exploring and more looking after their own children.

FabbyChic · 19/02/2012 16:35

Im fat myself 20lb overweight, and Im still fatist just one of those things.

Strawbezza · 19/02/2012 16:35

Maybe she regrets having the weight conversation, maybe it was the drink talking?

If I was you I'd apologise for getting the wrong end of the stick, but make it clear that you genuinely thought you were helping. Also tell her that you'd love to join her if she wanted to try out any exercise. Perhaps she'd rather do something that didn't mean being almost naked and in full view of others - how about country walking?

PattiMayor · 19/02/2012 16:37

If there is just you, her and the kids hanging round the pool, I suspect she just said that about her weight to get you to leave her alone and let her hang out by the pool.

Now you're all gung ho and solution oriented which I'm sure wasn't what she wanted at all. I have a very slim younger sister and she says things like that to me too and I have to say it irritates the fuck out of me. Possibly quite irrationally :o

Disputandum · 19/02/2012 16:45

I don't think you sound patronising at all. You say that she has been overweight for a long time, yet you never thought anything of it because she seemed happy with her size. It was only when she confided her unhappiness to you that you began thinking of ways you might help her.

However, I would've shouted at you too, because I am sensitive about my weight and too embarrassed to talk about it. For some reason I get crosser when thin people try to talk to me about it too (my mum).

Apologise, never mention it again. But make sure she knows that you are expecting her to do her bit on holiday!

rhondajean · 19/02/2012 16:53

This isn't actually about the holiday, it's about you wanting your sister to be fit and happy and she's told you she is neither because of her weight.

I don't know quite how you help her, but I do know you don't deserve the hard time you have got from some posters on here.

And I think you know it's not as easy as her doing some swimming, but really she has to start somewhere, and if she isn't prepared to make even the smallest of moves towards helping herself about something she admits is making her unhappy, I dont think you can do an awful lot.

totallypearshaped · 19/02/2012 17:01

It's an awkward one that's for sure, not helped by the fact the fat holds a lot of hormones and emotions, and people do get sensitive about it.

OP QUOTE: "As I said, I'm confused. She confided in me, I offered a solution we could try together, she went nuts. I'm worried I've offended her. I never started the dialogue about her weight, she did and she brought up the holidays, not me, which is why I made the connection."

I suggest you write her a letter, but get off your sisterly high horse first.
Write to her you would a good friend, and only emphasise how happy you were that she could confide in you, and how glad you'll be when she's able to join into family activities again, and are healthy. Just talk about your feelings about her - not any solutions you have for her and her 'problem'.

However, you have to remember, you are not the boss of her, and it is up to her where she goes with her health /weight for herself.
It's her life after all, and the choices are hers - even if it means she'll end up getting her limbs amputated and going blind with diabetes, having high blood pressure and a bad heart, and almost worst of all, her kids having no memories of her except as someone who lay down all day and never joined in the fun.
BUT it's her life, and her choice to make.

In the meantime, plan your holiday with or without her, but be aware that unless you agree a rota for playing with the kids, she'll probably not join in, and it will be left to you and the husbands. If you're happy with that, then go ahead. If you want to make it more equatable, then you have to get a bit assertive about the time you want 'off' yourself.

If you don't want to see her at all, why not offer to take her kids (seeing as you're looking after them anyway) and then she can return the favour, giving you a break.

ValarMorghulis · 19/02/2012 17:03

she is lazy. She is happy to let you do the running around whilst she lays back.
yes her weight may make her a little less inclined to run about but essentially it is about lazyness.

her being skinny wont necessarily cure the lazyness.

complexnumber · 19/02/2012 17:08

Do you normally empathise with you sister?

If so, can you imagine her starting a thread on MN about your conversations together?

How would you respond to her thread? (If you didn't know it was your sis)

hatesponge · 19/02/2012 17:21

It seems like you want your sister to be like you. She is her own person, you're not better than her because you're thinner and/or you run around after the kids on holiday.

As has been said if you don't want to do that then either don't go on hols with her in the first place, or make sure your DH/BIL so their part.

I get one week abroad a year. I spend it lying by the pool doing as little as possible. I did the same thing when I was 5 stone fatter. So size has nothing to do with it.

CheesyWellingtons · 19/02/2012 17:22

I think you need to leave her to it. This conversation may have been enough to start the ball rolling and her feeling uncomfortable enough to do something about it.

Fairyliz · 19/02/2012 17:37

I think you sound like a nice caring sister who is trying to help. however I think you will find anyone who is overweight is very touchy about it and anything you say, even with the best of intentions, will be taken the wrong way. So I would just pretend the conversation didn't happen.

TheLightPassenger · 19/02/2012 17:37

as a bit of a porker myself I can see both sides to it. She does sound pretty lazy re:holiday/childcare etc. But swimming really was a very bad suggestion for someone sensitive about their weight, as you really do feel "on show" in a swimming costume. I would apologise for upsetting her, then ask her what she wants - does she want you to talk about exercise/weight, do something with you, or just want you to butt the heck out.

Vicky2011 · 19/02/2012 17:38

chilli to answer your question about why fat people are so sensitive about their weight when others, such as bald people, tend not to be similarly sensitive about their issue, a brief look at these pages for a few days should give you the answers. Some of the vitriol posted about obesity is quite scary. I read one thread recently where a poster talked about fat people not being able to wipe their own arses Shock.

You have also partly answered your own question when you say that at least something can be done about weight, so there is the blame element as well. The thing with being fat is that the person's weakness is there for the whole world to see, there is no control about when it is displayed. We all do have some weakness, but if you are a drinker or a smoker, there will be times when you are sober or smoke free, as a fat person there is no escape. So the judgement of others is constant. That's not a woe-is-me rant, just an explanation of why your sister feels so sensitive about her weight.

FWIW I do think she is rather using her weight as an excuse to be lazy - but I can also see that the well-meaning advice can be infuriating. Why not try swimming is a bit like the colleague who years ago said to me "you need to watch your portion sizes" and I responded by asking her if she would tell an alcoholic to have a cup of tea. The issue is just so overwhelming that anyone offering "solutions" can be devastating.

fhdl34 · 19/02/2012 17:39

Perhaps you should turn the situation round - how do you feel when you're given advice about an issue sensitive to you which you didn't ask for? Some people might not mind but others do. My SIL does it, you mention something that's bothering you and she offers solutions which is not what I asked for, I was just making conversation.

marriedinwhite · 19/02/2012 17:48

Difficult to form any sort of pov without known what size you are and height and the same for your sis.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 17:49

It is also not on to call her 'lazy' simply because the OP has said she doesn't throw the kids in the pool or build sandcastles with them, there are a lot of (slim & fat) parents who choose not to do this - not all parents feel the need for their children to be 'amused' 24/7.