to think it's too late for DH to complain about the money we spent on my surgeries!

[stabledooropen]

8 years ago things were shit. We'd been trying for a baby for ages. I was too fat to be eligable for NHS help. I tried oh god I tried so hard to lose weight (pcos and emotional issues). We were so desperate.

We decided to self-fund IVF but it was hard to find somewhere who'd take us and we were told it would be unlikely to work because of my pcos.

We spent the same money as one round of IVF on my getting a gastric band in belgium.

I lost six stone in a year, BMI hit the acceptable range, got NHS help. Got pregnant! DD born.

Gastric band developed a serious fault and I had to have it removed. Worked so hard not to put loads of weight back on. Got pregnant naturally with miracle DS.

2 years ago I had an op to deal with some of the excess skin from my weight loss. Self-funded again. Total we have spent on my surgeries is £13k. LOADS don't get me wrong. But around the cost of the 3 rounds of ivf I qualified for when the weight was off, plus I am healthy and fit.

We've taken a hit in the recession and money is v tight especially with 2 DCs.

DH goes on and on and on about the money we spent on my surgeries. He was so supportive when I was trying to lose weight and get pregnant. Now it's like that person has gone completely or he was lying all that time and was really hating me. All I hear is that we 'wasted' the money and I could obviously have lost the weight by myself because I didn't put it all back on after the band was removed (I did put about 1.5 stone back on but held steady there, it's not easy).

It is really upsetting me - if we'd spent that cash on IVF which might not even have worked, then what?

Also it makes me feel like he's forgotton how lucky we are to have the DCs. We wouldn't've had them without the surgeries.

I think he should stop going on about it, the money is spent, we can't get it back.

AIBU?

running it is recent.... let me think, because I have been realising that some things from a while ago were probably related to this.

Since xmas he's been saying this stuff a lot (after a comment I made about my jeans being tight after xmas and having put on 4lbs).

But my birthday is in October and he made a nasty comment around that time. It wasn't a 'landmark' birthday and I wasn't expecting anything but he made a big deal about how I'd already had my birthday present for the next 10 years or something. I remember thinking it was a mean thing to say. He also made an unkind comment about my arms (which have a lot of excess skin), in the top my mum bought me as a birthday present.

That's the earliest I can think of, and I've only been 'noticing' the comments so much since christmas time.

Christmas itself was really nice though. We kept it within budget and had a really nice time. I've been wracking my brain and just can't think of anything which could've set this off - not that I'm aware of, anyway. I guess that's the crux of it.

Stable- everyone who has said this isn't about the weight is right, he's suddenly being nasty and making you feel small and this isn't typical for him, so you need to find out what's underlying this. It could be he's having an affair, but it could also be something like he's very stressed at work, depressed, or just got in a habit of getting at you about this.

Whatever the reason, though, you are right to draw a line in the sand and say that you will not be listening to this crap any longer and that he needs to stop this behaviour. This may take you further than you think.

OP, well done for having the chat last night. It sounds like you kept calm and said some important stuff. Fingers crossed he feels able to re-open the conversation on a calmer note very soon.

stabledoor One minute hes moaning about what the op to remove your loose skin cost, then hes moaning about the excess skin on your arms.
Hes contradicting himself big time.
This is psychological,mental and emotional abuse. Please phone Womens Aid for some advice.
I hate saying it but i think hes either having an affair or about to start one and he wants to have this affair and keep you as well so hes making it clear that he feels you owe him in his twisted mind. Make no mistake. This is ABUSE.
You really need to get yourself some help and support
What a FUCKING SICK BASTARD.

He went off on one about my looking for an excuse to break up the family

That is pure projection.

There is someone else.
He is contemplating the implications and hating himself but dumping all of his self hatred on you.

i agree with math Theres a good chance that there is someone else.
And i bet she has a fuller figure like you had in the past.
So he gets to feel superior and like the big rescuer and gets to play knight in shining armour to the other woman. i think OP that your DH has major problems.

I also agree with math. What possible reason would he have for saying such a thing to you? He is certainly projecting. It does sound as though you are in for a rough ride. Keep your strength up.

OP, I could be way off here, but is there a chance that you are now being 'noticed' by other men? If you've been a larger lady and feeling low about it for years and now, post-op, you're feeling more confident, perhaps you're getting noticed (albeit in a totally innocent way OP) and he hates it.

It's just another theory (a very weak one, I may add because Math is striking a bit of a chord with me here ) but maybe something to be aware of. If he's spent his whole relationship with you being used to a very 'meek' and perhaps less confident you, and now, since you're feeling better about yourself, he's hating it and feeling less in control.

Either way stabledoor, I really feel for you. It's not acceptable and you cannot live like this. You don't deserve it.

Stabledoor -sorry you are so down.
I don't naturally think he is having an affair. But something is really worrying him.

ARe you both earning?
Is he worried about losing his job and hasn't told you and therefore worried financially. I know this can make men feel very vulnerable and unmanly

perhaps he is worried that you look so good now and that you will not stay with him.. hence his comments.

hope you manage to get through it

That is a possibility, Flibbertywidget, though that comment about breaking up the family rang a bell for me.

There is something very drastic going on here, whatever it is, and his clamming up and going on the attack when asked to talk is quite an obvious effort to avoid addressing it.

Just coming back to this thread now Stable - have things moved on? I hope you've both had time for a good talk.

stable I just wanted to reiterate what everyone else has said. You've achieved something really important and I know it's not easy (my mum had a gastric band and had to have it removed because of complications) and you've got your lovely DCs. Your DH should be thinking it was the best money you ever spent together. And as for vanity . There speaks a man whose never been through the rigours of IVF then pregnancy, childbirth - it's not a 9 month beauty treatment exactly.

It doesn't sound right what's happening in your household right now. I hope you get to the bottom of it and your DH manages to address his thinking. There's obviously something happening for him now - here's hoping it's something he can overcome and go back to being the supportive partner you once knew. But you are right to think you cannot allow him to talk to you like that. Wishing you courage in this discussion.

as someone who has had serious fertility issues but managed to have children, I would suggest he shuts up and accepts that the money, weight, surgeries and kids went hand in hand and have been apart of the same journey. That gastric band was the start of the journey and enabled everything else to happen - you might have had no kids without it. He should just be greatful and proud that he has two healthy kids and a healthier slimer longer living partner. He should be proud you have worked hard to keep the weight off. I recon he is just narked at the present money situation and just wants someone to blame. Youre an easy scape goat. He should really aim to look upwards and forwards. Whats the point about going on about the past? What can you do to change the past? Nothing.

Tell him to be quiet or a divorce will really cost him!

How are you OP?