to think it's too late for DH to complain about the money we spent on my surgeries!

[stabledooropen]

8 years ago things were shit. We'd been trying for a baby for ages. I was too fat to be eligable for NHS help. I tried oh god I tried so hard to lose weight (pcos and emotional issues). We were so desperate.

We decided to self-fund IVF but it was hard to find somewhere who'd take us and we were told it would be unlikely to work because of my pcos.

We spent the same money as one round of IVF on my getting a gastric band in belgium.

I lost six stone in a year, BMI hit the acceptable range, got NHS help. Got pregnant! DD born.

Gastric band developed a serious fault and I had to have it removed. Worked so hard not to put loads of weight back on. Got pregnant naturally with miracle DS.

2 years ago I had an op to deal with some of the excess skin from my weight loss. Self-funded again. Total we have spent on my surgeries is £13k. LOADS don't get me wrong. But around the cost of the 3 rounds of ivf I qualified for when the weight was off, plus I am healthy and fit.

We've taken a hit in the recession and money is v tight especially with 2 DCs.

DH goes on and on and on about the money we spent on my surgeries. He was so supportive when I was trying to lose weight and get pregnant. Now it's like that person has gone completely or he was lying all that time and was really hating me. All I hear is that we 'wasted' the money and I could obviously have lost the weight by myself because I didn't put it all back on after the band was removed (I did put about 1.5 stone back on but held steady there, it's not easy).

It is really upsetting me - if we'd spent that cash on IVF which might not even have worked, then what?

Also it makes me feel like he's forgotton how lucky we are to have the DCs. We wouldn't've had them without the surgeries.

I think he should stop going on about it, the money is spent, we can't get it back.

AIBU?

Re the £13k, bet that many, many people may, if they could, go back in time and spend or save differently. Anyone who smoked, drank, shopped a lot, could've done more to earn more or progress at work, paid for study that didn't work out as well as hoped, bought the wrong property, car, taken time out for DC then struggled financially and wished had stayed in work, or whatever. But life isn't like that and we just do our best.

In your case, I bet you wouldn't change the decisions even if you could go back! They were clearly good ones for you and your family.

I just don't understand. When I had the surgery he was so supportive - he was worried of course but 100% supportive. When I lost weight he was so proud, when we got pregnant with DD he was so happy, he was thrilled when we got pregnant with DS, he loves being a dad, he always used to say how nice I looked and how well I had done.

So why is he doing this? I know only he can answer that, I'm just... I just don't understand.

We have everything we wanted. I'm healthy, we have our DCs! We have a great life and a great future ahead of us surely. I don't understand

Maybe he doesn't love me any more? I've read posts in relationships about DHs getting nasty to give themselves 'permission' to leave but I just can't believe that of DH, we worked so hard to get where we are!

But even given what Dozer said, under the circumstances no-one could accuse you of having spent a penny of that money selfishly or unwisely.

Am sorry OP. But whatever is going wrong with him, it's him, not you, that's the problem. Call him on it.

You pointed out that he was happy with the gastric band but you sort of 'went ahead' with the skin tightening op even though he had doubts.

I think that's the crux of the problem.

You both need to openly discuss this operation now - separately from the gastric band .
Perhaps he feels that you regard it as something you did to 'have' your DC and did not acknowledge his feelings about it at the time and frustrated that you do not want to accept it was for vanity.

I'm not saying you should feel guilty but I think he may be bringing it up because he's not 'being heard' . Once heard and acknowledged though he must shut up about it.

As others point out you can't change the past. Constant harping on is damaging your relationship.

I am worried for you both, but stay strong and get to the bottom of it. Do not allow yourself to believe him. I'm glad you posted here because as you saw, not all people think like your DH - in fact nobody does.

Of course you won't be kicking him out or leaving him, there's no need to go that far. You can work through this if he is willing. I know you said he shuts up and refuses to talk, but if you do what a previous poster said and refuse to respond to his digs and state calmly that you'll listen when he's ready to listen to you also then at some point he'll have to.

If you want to try it, give up something equal to the cost of the cigarettes he used to smoke and collect it in a jar. My mother collects £2 coins for holiday spending money and counts out approx £300-£400 every year. If you do this, do NOT equate it to feeling bad about the money you've spent in the past. This is something you felt like doing for now, the future, maybe for the DC's.

I don't believe he loves you any less. I believe he's incredibly insecure and is lashing out at you and you very nearly allowed yourself to become a victim of his bullying and end up emotionally insecure yourself. You know that you don't want to go back there so ignore his remarks but leave yourself open to discussions otherwise the gap will grow wider, not narrower. You both deserve happiness and I'm confident that you will help him to explain his feelings when he's finally ready to talk openly.

I think mathanxiety is spot on. You have overcome a lot. You are no longer that person desperate to change and improve your life, and become a mum, reliant on his support. You've done it, against all the odds.

Consequently your relationship has changed. He is no longer able to feel so superior, and maybe in the days when you were struggling with yourself that was more of a feature of your relationship than you realised.

Ignore it as best you can, as math suggests. He's just trying to make you feel inadequate, more like the "old you", putting you back in your place, as he sees it.

Make it clear you will not be made to feel that way. At the most, I'd say "Well I'm very pleased with the choices I made, and what I've achieved. I think it's a shame you keep harping on about the past. I've moved on. Why can't you?"

As for the smoking, let's face it, it cost you both money for him to deal with his addiction too. Until he gave up, his cost money too. Has he ever worked out what his smoking cost over all those years? In today's money, it costs £1,300-1,820 a year to smoke 5-7 packs a week.

How long did he smoke? Ten years? So as a minimum (5 packs a week is not a heavy smoker, btw - that's 14 a day) he spent around £13,000 on his addiction.

So tell him to stick that in his pipe and smoke it!

I completely agree with totally - seperate the issues and take time to really talk it through. He is obviously struggling - sounds like he feels a failure for not being able to give the DC more and is projecting that onto you. Get a sitter, take a day out to talk it through and really try to hear each other. Saying 'we agreed this, let it go', gives him nowhere to go with his feelings.

But people who have gastic bands go into it knowing full well that there may be a problem with excess skin requiring subsequent surgery, so he can hardly argue that he was not aware of that, or that might be a justifiable, unavoidable part of the deal.

OP, why not broach the subject yourself with him at a quiet moment (i.e., don't wait for him to start in on you, just start the conversation out of the blue yourself). Ask him exactly what you've asked on this thread: why are you treating me like this? Do you understand how it makes me feel? Are you trying to hurt me on purpose? Is there some underlying issue and you're using this to get at me? What can I do to help solve this problem with you so we can move on?

I know it's hard, but if you try to approach it the way you might do if you were advocating for a friend (in other words, try to be objective and don't get emotional) then you might put him on the back foot and really make him think about what he's doing. Discussions that dissolve into emotional "you did" "you said" arguments almost never work. If you find it going that way, take a deep breath and try to bring it back on track. Always remember: YANBU and HIBVVU. That is a fact.

He may refuse to discuss it rationally, or he may just let it degenerate into insults at you again. If the former happens, then say "fine, you don't want to discuss it, no problem, but I will not have you taking shots at me. I never want to hear another word about this subject again". If the latter happens, put a stop to it too. "I am not interested in hearing about this, so stop talking about it." At the same time, feel free to point out that every time he says something deliberately hurtful to you, it chips away at your love and respect for him. Is that what he wants?

Basically you need to look him right in the eye and ask why he's doing it, and tell him it needs to stop. You are better than this, you don't deserve such treatment, the past is gone and you can't relive it. If he can't be mature enough to understand it and get over the past, then you will have to seriously think about your future with him.

I think Math is spot on too.

sorry if someone else has already said this, but what's with all this, 'you owe me £x for your surgery'? You were both working, your salaries were going into a joint account, so you paid for it just as much as he did. Joint money is joint money. It's unfair and reductive for him to whine as he if took out a personal loan to fund it - and the end result was your family, two children who bring you equal joy. As olgaga said, you could just as easily argue that your salary paid for the surgeries while his salary paid for his cigarettes.

YANBU and he is being cruel, probably spurred on by something else entirely. And well done on keeping the weight off and not lamping him.

Had a long talk well sort if talking - it's like pulling teeth though, he will NOT engage productively.

I am v worried at the attitude he seems to have - contempt/anger/derision.

I said how hurtful I find the comments, tried to discuss, even said how could my health and the DCs be a waste of money.

He said I didn't need the surgery, 'why do you keep trying to make having a gastric band sound noble'!!! He said he was supportive at the time because he wanted me to be happy but 'surely I agree' the money would've been better spent on the DCs.

I said as far as I was concerned there wouldn't have been the DCs without the surgery and certainly not the active happy healthy family life we have. I said the money has been spent, mentioned some examples of not-great financial decisions in our and people we know's lives, surely we should concentrate on moving forward and appreciating what we have.

He said I should've tried harder to lose weight, X at work has lost 8 stone, I clearly could've done it as I've kept most of it off, he's 'concerned' I'm getting back into bad habits with recent weight gain, if I get big again it will be a slap in the face for him and then he said people are probably making fun of me behind my back!

I am completely bewildered.

We got together when I was a size 16/18, he was a strong loving dedicated partner through everything! From my being s size 26 to the trauma with clinics to the surgeries to parenting... What has happened???

He won't TALK to me!

Maybe that's where the problem lies then

He's afraid you'll put all the weight back on and all the money and stress will have been for nothing?

It's still no way to live though, and a pointless worry really because it's not like he can do anything about it.

It sounded like he thinks I should be ashamed and grateful and he's cross I'm not.

He has no reason to think I'd put weight on - a few Xmas pounds isn't a big deal. And even if I did, we have the DCs now, the money would never be 'wasted'

I just don't get it. He's never expressed concern about my weight before and after DS I was much heavier.

I don't want him policing my size -if I did get bigger then what??

Stable, I feel so sad for you. Part of my job entails dealing with bariatric patients. If you PM me I'd be happy to give some details of appropriate local (depending on where you are) counsellors with a specific interest in bariatrics and relationship issues. If your husband was willing to address his appalling behaviour toward you he may find it useful.

Stay strong. X

How dare he?!

Bingdweller makes a good suggestion.

Oh dear. I don't think is about the money or the surgery at all.

I don't want to be the harbinger of doom, but as someone said earlier it sounds as though he is deliberately picking fault with everything you do as a way of trying to bring about a confrontation over bigger, more serious things.

Whatever happens Stable, don't allow yourself to think with your 'old fat' head on, and remember you are not lucky to have him, or anyone who treats you with distain or contempt. You did not deserve it when you were much fatter, and you cetainly do not deserve it now. Don't allow him to destroy your new found self-esteem, whatever happens.

God, this thread has made me really angry.

if I have this right, he is saying two contradictory things

1. You didn't need the surgery because you have managed to keep most of the weight off afterwards.

1. The fact you have put some weight back on means the op is potentially a waste of money.

He has put you in a heads you lose, tails I win bind here. You need to find out why it's so important that you are wrong and he is right.

Tbh if you half £13k, he has paid £6.5K over 8 years - £800 a year. Some women spend that on their hair! Some men would drop that on gadgets/trainers/jeans (sorry for the stereotyping). It is not a huge amount for him to have contributed to your health, appearance and the inestimable gift of your 2DC.

oh dear OP. i would tell him now you have both had your say it is his choice whether to get over it and move on or not. Whether you feel guilty, grateful etc is irrelevant, it is done and if he can't get past it i would be considering leaving. I would give him a time scale to sort it out - whether that means counselling or whatever it takes, and then say after that point it cannot be mentioned again.

It sounds like a horrible way to live. Also i would question why he wants the power over you for you to feel constantly beholden to him.

Also, as far as the stupid 'you didn't need the gastric band' argument goes, you say you had NHS help to conceive DS1, and then conceived DS2 naturally. Is he saying that you shouldn't have bothered with IVF for DS1, if your body was capable of doing it alone for DS2? If you'd paid for that round of IVF yourselves would he feel there was money 'owing' there too?

That's not a serious argument, obv - just meant to illustrate how insensitive his reasoning about the gastric band is.

He is being very unreasonable.

The money spent on your surgeries wasn't vanity surgery for a start, it helped with your health and it helped you conceive, certainly once, possibly twice. That is never money wasted.

And is he also regretting everything else you have ever spent money on, now that money has become a bigger issue? Does he wish you bought a cheaper house, more economical car, smaller TV? Went on less holidays even when you could afford them? Is he rueing every none-essential purchase ever made since you got together? Does he remember every meal out or cinema trip and think it was money down the drain because you could have saved it all for right now?

The things he is saying, especially the "people are probably laughing at you" comment, are the things that are said by abusive and controlling partners. He's belittling you, blaming you, making comments designed to isolate you from other people and, in your own words, trying to make you feel ashamed and grateful. He's rewriting history, forgetting how hard you struggled before the surgery and pretending it was never even needed.

OP if i were you i woulf be phoning Womens Aid in the morning even if its just to ask for their advice. I would also be making an appointment with a solicitor even if its just to have a discussion.
Sorry OP but you are being abused. It sounds to me like he actually WANTS you to put the weight back on again so that he can feel superior again.
Or (and please dont flame me for this,ive heard it suggested to other women on here going through similar belittling) he has his eye on someone else and is trying to diminish you in his eyes.
IF and only IF he has got his eye on someone else i bet its a fuller figured woman who is bigger than you so that he can feel superior again and like the big rescuer.