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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's too late for DH to complain about the money we spent on my surgeries!

140 replies

stabledooropen · 19/02/2012 00:12

8 years ago things were shit. We'd been trying for a baby for ages. I was too fat to be eligable for NHS help. I tried oh god I tried so hard to lose weight (pcos and emotional issues). We were so desperate.

We decided to self-fund IVF but it was hard to find somewhere who'd take us and we were told it would be unlikely to work because of my pcos.

We spent the same money as one round of IVF on my getting a gastric band in belgium.

I lost six stone in a year, BMI hit the acceptable range, got NHS help. Got pregnant! DD born.

Gastric band developed a serious fault and I had to have it removed. Worked so hard not to put loads of weight back on. Got pregnant naturally with miracle DS.

2 years ago I had an op to deal with some of the excess skin from my weight loss. Self-funded again. Total we have spent on my surgeries is £13k. LOADS don't get me wrong. But around the cost of the 3 rounds of ivf I qualified for when the weight was off, plus I am healthy and fit.

We've taken a hit in the recession and money is v tight especially with 2 DCs.

DH goes on and on and on about the money we spent on my surgeries. He was so supportive when I was trying to lose weight and get pregnant. Now it's like that person has gone completely or he was lying all that time and was really hating me. All I hear is that we 'wasted' the money and I could obviously have lost the weight by myself because I didn't put it all back on after the band was removed (I did put about 1.5 stone back on but held steady there, it's not easy).

It is really upsetting me - if we'd spent that cash on IVF which might not even have worked, then what?

Also it makes me feel like he's forgotton how lucky we are to have the DCs. We wouldn't've had them without the surgeries.

I think he should stop going on about it, the money is spent, we can't get it back.

AIBU?

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 19/02/2012 16:32

Dont you think that the issues is perhaps not the operations, but the fact that you were so obese you needed them? You say that without the operations you would not have had the kids. In his mind I would not be surprised if he were thinking "well, if she had not allowed herself to become so obese, the operations would not been necessary in the first place", but he does not want to say this, because, frankly, you would be really offended and hurt. (So, I am not saying it either. )

travailtotravel · 19/02/2012 16:50

I like the argument about £x per year back again. I was going to say he seriously needs to understand his attitude is going to lose him what he wanted so much (ie his family) if he is not careful. Don't let him drag you down, OP, keep your head up and fight back

mathanxiety · 19/02/2012 16:52

After your last posts there, I am coming to the conclusion that you are living with a controlling git who is not capable of treating you as an equal and sees you instead as his 'project'.

Again, tell him you are ready to listen and get to the bottom of this whenever he is ready to talk. Contempt, anger and derision -- I think you are probably absolutely right to sense that is his attitude here. You are right that you got nowhere. He is not open to you and not thinking of the relationship. Since you only got more of the same old same old when you talked, I think it's time to go to counselling. If he won't go to couples counselling then you might consider going on your own to get you through the decisions that will need to be made about the relationship.

There is no reasoning to this, no rationality. It is all coming from some nasty place inside him. You have done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this. Something else is going on.

QuintessentialyHollow · 19/02/2012 17:05

I disagree. If you have spent a fortune on operations and cosmetic surgery, and he has supported you through all that, and you are now putting on weight again, dont you think he is really worried about your health? And that you spent all this money, and it means so little to you that you will jeopardize it all by eating?

OhdearNigel · 19/02/2012 17:09

YANBU. I would retaliate by bringing up everything that he has spent money on in the past and go on about it ad infinitum. Eventually he will hopefully get the message and STFU

HillyWallaby · 19/02/2012 17:11

Quint her gastric band had to be removed due to complications and she has PCOS. A stone a half back on, in the grand scheme of things, is hardly an indication of failure.

QuintessentialyHollow · 19/02/2012 17:16

I am not talking about fertility treatments, but obesity operations. If she now puts a few stone on, then, I would also be worried about her if I was her husband. It is a massive amount. It is easier to put weight on, than get it off. It is going to be insanely difficult to lose it again. I know, because I have been trying to lose a stone for the last few years. I am not reverting to 5-6 hours of cardiovascular exercise per week and cutting down on carb, I live on salads and fish, and still only manage to lost 1lb per week. Sad

mathanxiety · 19/02/2012 17:24

You can't nag or belittle someone into weight loss. In fact, you are more likely to stress that person so much that she will return to unhealthy eating habits by going this route.

It is not his project she is spoiling (and I disagree that this is a problem indicating the weight is all going to come back on -- she has had two DCs and has PCOS). He is treating her as if she was a reflection of his ego and not her own woman. She does not have to be the receptacle for his anxiety, frustration, passive aggression or projection.

Someone at work has lost a huge amount of weight through dieting -- it is not a reflection of his 'success' or the advisability of 'his' method with the OP but perhaps he sees it this way. Maybe he feels he has lost the status of weight loss guru or conception guru in his circle at work. Maybe there are work related insecurities at play here. Maybe Carernotasaint is right. No matter what, he has no right at all to keep on harping on about money that they will never see again, and it is especially horrible to try to tell her that she has deprived her children of something by her lack of willpower or whatever he is now suggesting her weight problem signified.

Original poster
stabledooropen · 19/02/2012 17:25

Quint, I will do you a timeline.

Had the gastric band 8 years ago
7 years ago had lost 6 stone and qualified for help concieving
6 years ago when I got pregnant with DD I had lost 8 stone
5 years ago the band was removed (I was still 8 stone down)
I put on a stone and a half (so 6.5 stone down from starting weight), over a year but also got pregnant with DS
Since I had DS and lost the 'baby weight', my weight has been stable at 6.5 stone down from starting weight. That is 4 years now.
2 years ago I had the skin removed
My weight has been stable for 4 years (+/- a few lbs). My BMI is just under 25.

Over xmas I put on 4lbs.

Silly me for eating Sad

Total cost of everything is less than we would've spent on IVF.

I am convinced this isn't about my weight. I think something is up. other posters, please don't worry about me. I am not going to put up with this.

I read the relationships board and know what I would be thinking if I read this thread. Just can't believe it is happening to me.

I am so glad I posted here. Seeing that not everyone thinks the same as DH has been a shock and an eye-opener.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/02/2012 17:29

You sound like a woman with a lot of gumption and Sad you are shocked at the positive responses here. You must have been feeling really low and bad about yourself.

Don't let him keep on chipping away at you.

FidoFellDown · 19/02/2012 17:36

I thought that the surgeries were plastic surgery and I was going to read somebody's sob story about breat implants that had crippled their family's finances. Instead I read this story about a woman who has done everything possible to have children. Then when she finally gets children, her dh turns on her. I can't believe how heart-breaking it is, but I'm so glad that you got two wonderful children.

Original poster
stabledooropen · 19/02/2012 17:36

I am ashamed I couldn't lose the weight on my own. I am ashamed I had the skin removed when it wasn't 'necessary'.

A couple of people have said things like I should be proud, or that I have done well, and I want to think like that instead and not be ashamed.

OP posts:
Original poster
stabledooropen · 19/02/2012 17:37

And almost everyone has said DH is being U, and that makes me feel - cross but determined.

OP posts:
HillyWallaby · 19/02/2012 17:39

Your BMI is under 25? Shock Oh FFS your H is being a prize arse.

travailtotravel · 19/02/2012 17:39

Do not be ashamed you couldn't lose the weight on your own. It is bloody hard. You were under a lot of stress. You reacted normally. You tried. You got help. What is so wrong about getting help when you need it?!

travailtotravel · 19/02/2012 17:40

PS I am H-U-G-E. So I can say that to you, you skinny minnie!

Original poster
stabledooropen · 19/02/2012 17:40

Sorry bit disjointed, DCs around needing me but THANKYOU my mind is whirring.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2012 18:00

Just Sad for you that he is determined to make you miserable.

oldraver · 19/02/2012 18:04

I actually think thats pretty good value... (if you want to look at it like that). You became a more healthy weight that enabled you to have children..

Plus its about the cost of a half decent car..... had you spent £13,000 on a car 8 years ago would he be now moaning that it was money wasted ?

oldraver · 19/02/2012 18:09

I think he also needs reminding you have PCOS, which puts a whole different slant on the weight gain/loss issue

carernotasaint · 19/02/2012 18:15

I am starting to think that if the OPs DH carries on like this she could albeit inadvertantly end up with an eating disorder.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 19/02/2012 18:25

You don't have anything to be ashamed of OP. It's hard enough to lose weight even without something like PCOS.

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2012 18:29

I think if the OP's DH carries on like this, he could end up with a divorce.

OP, he sounds as though he doesn't like you at the moment. I'm sorry, I know that must be hard to hear.

Was he happier with you lacking in confidence? Did he feel just a little bit superior that you had a problem and he was in a position to help you with it? Now that you have got rid of the problem, you must have gained in self esteem and confidence. Does he find that hard to deal with?

Dozer · 19/02/2012 18:30

Nothing to be ashamed of, 4 years of maintenance under 25 bmi and maintaining after DCs is a big achievement!

You sound like a strong, determined, inspiring person!

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 18:46

He (for reasons unknown at this stage) is being a complete bastard.

You did exceptionally well to lose the weight with the GB and to keep it off.

You should not be ashamed you had the band nor the surgery to remove the excess weight. In the grand scheme of things £13k is nothing to get your life back and on top of that you have 2 fantastic kids!! Many women would get a loan for £13k tomorrow if they could guarantee they'd lose 6st, have surgery to remove the excess skin and have 2 kids.

He agreed to you having the GB, he was supportive, he wanted the kids.

Even if you put the weight on again now (and I hope for your your sake you don't) he's had more than his moneys worth out of the £13k - with the children.

He has NOTHING to complain about - NOTHING

Please don't start buying into this shit he's peddling.

I am a bit worried that he's having an affair and is trying to deflect this all on to you :(

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