to think it's too late for DH to complain about the money we spent on my surgeries!

[stabledooropen]

8 years ago things were shit. We'd been trying for a baby for ages. I was too fat to be eligable for NHS help. I tried oh god I tried so hard to lose weight (pcos and emotional issues). We were so desperate.

We decided to self-fund IVF but it was hard to find somewhere who'd take us and we were told it would be unlikely to work because of my pcos.

We spent the same money as one round of IVF on my getting a gastric band in belgium.

I lost six stone in a year, BMI hit the acceptable range, got NHS help. Got pregnant! DD born.

Gastric band developed a serious fault and I had to have it removed. Worked so hard not to put loads of weight back on. Got pregnant naturally with miracle DS.

2 years ago I had an op to deal with some of the excess skin from my weight loss. Self-funded again. Total we have spent on my surgeries is £13k. LOADS don't get me wrong. But around the cost of the 3 rounds of ivf I qualified for when the weight was off, plus I am healthy and fit.

We've taken a hit in the recession and money is v tight especially with 2 DCs.

DH goes on and on and on about the money we spent on my surgeries. He was so supportive when I was trying to lose weight and get pregnant. Now it's like that person has gone completely or he was lying all that time and was really hating me. All I hear is that we 'wasted' the money and I could obviously have lost the weight by myself because I didn't put it all back on after the band was removed (I did put about 1.5 stone back on but held steady there, it's not easy).

It is really upsetting me - if we'd spent that cash on IVF which might not even have worked, then what?

Also it makes me feel like he's forgotton how lucky we are to have the DCs. We wouldn't've had them without the surgeries.

I think he should stop going on about it, the money is spent, we can't get it back.

AIBU?

Look, only you know what is going on in your relationship. I thought you had just recently put on a stone and a half, sorry for misunderstanding. 4lbs is nothing. If you gut instinct is telling you something is wrong, listen.

I know quint, thought I'd do the timeline in case anyone else felt the same. If I'd packed on 20lbs since xmas then I'd understand DH's 'concern' far more.

Guys, the point is I guess that I clearly have no fucking idea what's going on in my relationship.

From MY point of view, we wanted the DCs so much. We have the DCs. Right now this second DH is reading them their bedtime stories. He loves them so much. So he can't, he just can't, be resenting the driving force for everything.

Maybe he loves them so much he regrets any money not spent 'on them'?

In my heart I am thinking perhaps an affair or he doesn't love me anymore and is trying to find 'permission' for that. I think I mentioned that upthread. I can't BELIEVE it because it's just so not DH. But neither is this behaviour.

Once the DCs are asleep I'll try and discuss it with him again but this is so hard.

I need to keep telling myself I haven't done anything to be ashamed of because that's his keystone and I don't want to buy into it because it's WRONG, isn't it.

I am healthy, I can exercise, we have two beautiful DCs and my PCOS is under control. Surely that's worth any money. Surely.

Some time ago, my OH was spending about a fortune every month on another woman and on sex sites. We so nearly finished over it. I got some fantastic advice over on Relationships and though I never left him in the end it really helped me through.

Things are tight now and I wish we had that money but I would never never throw his past back in his face like yours has done.

But his behaviour has nothing at all to do with your ops and I think you know in your heart of hearts it does not :(

I'm so sorry for you. Stay strong xx

I really feel for you.

Do you think losing weight has changed you? I recently lost 4 stone (piddles compared to your fab loss) but I know changed me!

When I say 'recently' i've been maintaining for a year now and am half a stone up compared to the target I set myself.

I think you know your dh better than anyone and if your gut is telling you he wouldn't be having an affair, then you're right... but it is time you both sat down and had a proper talk - would you feel able to ask him about an affair? I know with my Dh I could broach this in conversation and know I think!!!!) if he was lying or not.

It absolutely is worth any money. To hint it's not is such a slap in the face.

Was just talking to Dh re: this thread - he said over the course of 8 years, the £13,000 would have been spent on something... anything, there's no guarantee you'd still have it now anyway. So your dh is being U.

He has gone to sleep in the DCs room. Or he's pretending to be asleep.

Feel like going through his phone/email. Just can't get a handle on what is happening.

Fairhaired 4 stone is amazing, well done you!

I think if he would talk to me I could tell if he was lying.

I am healthy, I can exercise, we have two beautiful DCs and my PCOS is under control. Surely that's worth any money

No matter what happens, hold onto that. That is the bottom line. He was on board with everything as it happened, don't let him rewrite history in your mind, even if he's rewriting it in his own.

Plenty of people will tell you that it's wrong to go through his phone, I'd do it without hesitation. He is treating you terribly and refusing to talk about it, if that's what it takes to get some answers...

i would certainly go through his phone if he was putting me through this.

Does he often go to sleep in the childs room? Or is this uncommon for him?

I'd go through the phone too, but I've never had reason to doubt DH, nor him me. I'd think nothing if I saw dh on my phone, he plays games on it all the time.

I go on FB on his phone, so not unusual for me to have it.

I know others wouldn't do it, but I would :)

OP I hope you get to the bottom of it. You sound like a very determined, sensible and confident woman and it made me smile (despite how angry I was on your behalf) to see you write "I won't put up with this".

Whatever he's hiding, it's probably pretty big. The sooner you get to the bottom of it, the better. Good luck!

Competely agree that your health and your DCs is worth any money paid, and deep down your DH knows this too. Why he's suddenly trying to say otherwise, only he knows. But rest assured YA still NBU! And he still is.

Nothing on phone or email.

I don't know what to think. It is too cruel to think we could get through everything and then this happen. Something must be wrong.

How would you feel about showing him this thread? Surely he would have to take notice of your feelings then. I'm sure he would be ashamed of himself at the depth of support for you and it wouldn't be a great read for him.... Shock him into action, I your relationship is worth saving it needs a starting point.

if

YANBU. It's done now, several years ago and it sounds as if you wouldnt' have your fmaily without it.

he needs to stop being a wanker and snap out of it.

What is going on at work right now with your H?

Ok do if we say tgat he is telling you what's wrong, then what would he be wanting to spend £13k on right now? I disagree you'd have that money sat there but anyway. How's his work, stable? No risk of redundancy etc? How tight is money right now?

My understanding of the skin removal op is that this isn't minor surgery, you can't put a huge amount of weight back and isn't without significant scaring. You are happy with you body but could he be saying he isn't?

He needs to stop now, he's said that he thinks they weren't necesary, well he should have spoken up at tge time, what does he want from you? A refund? I would ask him if he has finished making his point now is that everything because unless he has a time machine it's tough shit.

If there's something he want to admit, affair, scared, debt etc then give him tge opportunity but he needs to understand this isn't something you will be putting up with.

You have both been through so much finally you are happy with yourself too. He needs to enjoy tgat rather than eroding it with stupid remarks.

Hope you are OK this morning stabledoor.

In my heart I am thinking perhaps an affair or he doesn't love me anymore and is trying to find 'permission' for that.

I'm afraid this analysis does, sadly, sound about right. It's difficult to see why else he would have become so fixated, cruel and demeaning. I think you will probably get to the bottom of it very soon.

I would make it plain that as far as you're concerned you are not prepared to continue like this, and insist on couple counselling. I doubt he will agree - he probably knows perfectly well that if he was forced to examine his behaviour, he would never be able to justify it.

You sound like a strong and determined woman in shock right now at the injustice of this inexplicable treatment.

It's important that you don't blame yourself. You have done nothing wrong, and have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. In fact you have a hell of a lot of to feel proud of. He wants to take that away from you, to undermine your position and give him the excuses he needs to justify his behaviour.

Don't let him.

I wonder if he has financial worries that he has hidden and is shielding you from you?

One thing I wonder about, now that I have had this revolving in my head for a while, is how he could think you would be happy with yourself going abut your life, buying clothes, going swimming, going out in the evening in a nice outfit, etc., with all that loose skin there?

From what you are saying you had a wonderful supportive partner. I seriously doubt that has changed over night. People see what they want to see, expect to see. I see a woman who is jumping to conclusions because she cannot accept her DH resents something he begrudgingly admitted to. Don;t let yourself down by looking through his phone/mail. Talk to him about your concerns. Show him the support he showed you when you struggled. He is talking some absolute shit but I think he deserves your support to help him see that - not your supsicions about affairs. Would you consider couple counselling to get him past his 'broken record' moment?

It is well worth looking through the phone and the e-mails, and maybe even the cookies to see if there is porn or hook up sites.

It is also worth asking whether the support he gave earlier was given because it made him feel superior or because he liked having someone emotionally dependent on him. Maybe he felt he was the attractive half of the partnership and maybe he liked that, but was prepared to go along with the gb surgery in order to facilitate having children, but not so much the skin removal. Maybe worth asking too whether he now feels threatened and sexually inadequate by having a wife who has suddenly become slim and competent and possibly sexually attractive to other men. If he feels threatened it is his problem.

Looking at that paragraph makes me wonder if he sees your body as some sort of canvas of his.

Hi guys.

We spoke last night; I spent yesterday writing down and practising what I wanted to say! Using many of the ideas I've gotten from this thread (thankyou).

I told him that something must be going on and I loved him and wanted to help if he was struggling with something, but he couldn't continue to speak to me like this. I said I was concerned that this apparent attitude change was so sudden and that nothing was necessarily a dealbreaker, that he had supported me through a lot and I just wanted the opportunity to do the same.

He started arguing and I said that I didn't believe this was about decisions we'd made mutually years ago and that if he continued to speak to me in such a horrible way I would have to reasses the relationship.

He went off on one about my looking for an excuse to break up the family. I tried to talk but he was too angry really so I said that I was happy to talk when he was ready but I wasn't going to put up with abuse. I slept in with the DCs last night

Oh Stable

What an awful time you're having. I think you did and said the right things - something's definitely up with him, isn't it? I like the way he put's the onus back onto you 'looking for an excuse to break up the family'. Don't let him get away with that one.

How long has he been like this for? (Sorry if you've said and I missed it).

YANBU!