to think it's too late for DH to complain about the money we spent on my surgeries!

[stabledooropen]

8 years ago things were shit. We'd been trying for a baby for ages. I was too fat to be eligable for NHS help. I tried oh god I tried so hard to lose weight (pcos and emotional issues). We were so desperate.

We decided to self-fund IVF but it was hard to find somewhere who'd take us and we were told it would be unlikely to work because of my pcos.

We spent the same money as one round of IVF on my getting a gastric band in belgium.

I lost six stone in a year, BMI hit the acceptable range, got NHS help. Got pregnant! DD born.

Gastric band developed a serious fault and I had to have it removed. Worked so hard not to put loads of weight back on. Got pregnant naturally with miracle DS.

2 years ago I had an op to deal with some of the excess skin from my weight loss. Self-funded again. Total we have spent on my surgeries is £13k. LOADS don't get me wrong. But around the cost of the 3 rounds of ivf I qualified for when the weight was off, plus I am healthy and fit.

We've taken a hit in the recession and money is v tight especially with 2 DCs.

DH goes on and on and on about the money we spent on my surgeries. He was so supportive when I was trying to lose weight and get pregnant. Now it's like that person has gone completely or he was lying all that time and was really hating me. All I hear is that we 'wasted' the money and I could obviously have lost the weight by myself because I didn't put it all back on after the band was removed (I did put about 1.5 stone back on but held steady there, it's not easy).

It is really upsetting me - if we'd spent that cash on IVF which might not even have worked, then what?

Also it makes me feel like he's forgotton how lucky we are to have the DCs. We wouldn't've had them without the surgeries.

I think he should stop going on about it, the money is spent, we can't get it back.

AIBU?

Alternatively, check your money, especially any savings accounts, and check that he hasn't taken out and run up any credit cards. Does he owe money to anyone that you don't know about? How about gambling?

His main complaint is the cosmetic surgery rather than the gastric band. Because it was more expensive and it was 'vanity'. I sort of agree so it's hard to argue against what he's saying. I do argue with him saying it though if you see what I mean - I say it's spent, it was a mutual decision, let's move on. When I've asked him what he wants me to DO, what could help, he has no answer. It is bullying isn't it

There's no secret debt - he'd need to have a seperate income stream if there were. His salary (and mine), comes in to the joint account and I see the money go out, it's all traceable. That's also how I know things aren't absolutely dire.

I've been thinking about it loads tonight (had a hard time sleeping and up with DS now). I think that 'what changed' is the DCs. Now they are here he wants the money 'back' for them/family life. Obviously we can't get it back. And he resents me?

It's easy to argue against the money for the band itself because we would not have the DCs (well, we wouldn't have DD and almost certainly not DS either), were it not for the weightloss which meant we could access fertility treatments. The rest though, like I said. But still I can't do anything about it now can I.

Now we have the DCs and I am healthy, I have everything I want. It took a lot of work and money to get here but I'm happy. I don't understand why DH wants me to feel bad about myself. He can't explain other than saying he thinks it was a waste of money etc.

There is something deeper niggling at him. You say you are the principle financial controller - does he perhaps not know how stable you both are financially? too much doom and gloom on the the telly-box, if we listened to all the media we'd in a cardboard box in a week!

EG - the 13K, would it have made a sizable difference to your outstanding mortgage? Finances do play on peoples minds.

Are other aspects of your life ok?

I didn't say that, I said I had a good handle on the finances - he does too, we have the same access and knowledge. We rent but that's a conscious decision, 13k would of course be useful but it's not like we are wanting to buy and unable to for the lack of 13k.

Also, the money was spent years ago. Why now? Nothing has changed - I have asked, and done a bit of digging, and there is no financial reason.

The ONE THING he's said is about his smoking. He gave up smoking when we were looking into fertility treatments etc. He has said that he gave up smoking, that's an addiction, if I was addicted to food why didn't I give up like he did. And he has said that his not smoking has saved us X amount of money while my surgeries have cost us Y, and that in Z more years his giving up smoking will have 'paid for' my surgeries.

But he hasn't taken smoking back up and when I've suggested he do so if he misses it so much he says it's a filthy habit he's just making a point.

Everything's fine except for this but TBH this is really getting me down. It is driving a wedge - and I have explained that but it's like he wants to punish me.

It ONLY 'makes sense' if there is a money problem (but there isn't), or something has happened. And I ask, and he says no nothing has happened, he's just upset we wasted the money and we go around again!

I am going to shut him down next time he starts on me though. It's not fair.

Op are you sure it's not a bit deeper than money? You were fat and lost weight, you felt crappy due to the excess skin and feel better now it's gone. You wanted babies so badly and got them. Could he be scared of losing the thinner, more confidant mother whose priority is her children rather than the man she went through so much with?

It sounds like a hook to hang something on. He's frustrated about something and needs a 'reason'.
Iwould ask him what the point of complaining now is, if that's how he felt/feels why didn't he open his mouth all those years ago when it could have had an effect.
It's almost like it's a safe thing to complain about as it can't be changed.
Offer to pay him back half, a pound a month for the next gazzillion years.
YANBU, he is, but this will just get worse if not sorted 'cos the things he says will chip away at you (even more than they are already doing)
You are right, it is not fair.

You obviously went through all the councelling before you had the band regarding the psychological effects and how people will treat you?

I was listening to the chap who won The Biggest Loser on the radio. he said his whole persona changed. Fat people project an image and once the fat has gone there is no need to keep projectiong. He said he found it very difficult because he'd been a false persona for so many years. But also people perceptions of him also changed - the perception of fat and happy just wasnt there any more. Ditto with Pauline Quirke, again an inteview with her this week - she cant deal with her new body and retrospectively wants her old one back - plus she liked the perception of fat and happy. her worries are that her comedy value was in her size and now she wont get the roles she is so used to playing.

FWIW I think you have done absolutely marvellously. My SIL is chronically obese and does every faddy diet on the market. She lost 8 stone last year and has piled it all back on - now she's investigating banding as a solution to her yo-yo dieting (which usually involves a ridiculous hairbrained internet cure all pill scheme)

Sorry, thats a bit waffly - but have you changed? I mean dramatically changed your whole personaility? You have effectively reinvented yourself.

I can sort of see whats going through your husbands mind: "I had an addiction, I gave it up, and it saved us money. She had an addiction, which cost money, and now it cost a whole lot more to get the legacy of her addiction rectified".

But what's done is done - and no, I wouldn't put up with his sniping. You need to get to the bottom of his real issues over this - because sure as eggs is eggs - it's not really to do with the money.

That's really interesting. loves what you say resonates. I wonder if he might be jealous. I don't think he feels pushed out or left out or like I don't want/need him anymore - though he's doing a good job of pushing me away. But he isn't as satisfied with his lot as I am, clearly, and perhaps he is jealous/resentful of that, or thinks that if we had the money 'back' he would be?

Maybe he thinks that I am being 'rewarded' and he's got the raw end of the deal? He loves the DCs with all his heart and soul but my life is more 'rewarding' and I know he thinks I have it easy now I am part-time at work.

scrablet yes you're right, it must be that but god I wish I knew what the 'real' problem was so we could tackle it. He just WON'T discuss it productively though. I feel so shit about myself. After he started last night, I just thought, the real waste of money is that we've spent the money and now I feel shit about it! At the very least I used to feel it was money well spent, now I just feel rubbish and like I mustn't ever put weight on.

trois I'm the same person; much happier because I feel better but mostly because of the DCs. I was never a 'cheery fat person' nor the life and soul. The main thing that has changed is that I have my heart's desire (the DCs). The externals aren't that staggering - I'm not suddenly Angelina Jolie or anything. I was more selfconscious about my body with all the loose skin, and our sex life did suffer (the DCs were v young too), which was part of why we went for the further surgery. Since then I am at peace, really, or I would be.

'Before' I had really really messed up eating habits, hardly ever went out as I was so miserable and cried all the time wanting a baby. There was YEARS like that. I feel much closer to the person I was when DH and I met now (though a few stone smaller). I don't think DH could be 'missing' the old days.

I can see the 'logic' in what DH is probably thinking too. But I wish he'd just shut up. We can't get the money back. I really hope your SIL finds something that works for her, by the way. I tried every faddy (and unhealthy), thing going before the band, it's miserable and really messes up your body and emotions to yo-yo all over the place. Even though I had the band out, I found the 'lessons' it taught me about portion sizes etc helped me keep control and not pile all the weight I'd lost back on.

YA absolutely NOT BU and I really feel for you. I can only imagine that he is feeling very stressed, defensive and vulnerable over the effects of the recession and the family finances, and he is wanting to lash out and lay blame somewhere, anywhere to make himself like it's not his fault.
TBH over the period of time you are talking about, £13k is not even that much money and probably would not have made a massive difference to your situation now anyway.

And yes, definitely what others have said - sometimes partners (men in particular) struggle to deal with massive weight loss/image change in their partners, as it makes them feel insecure about how it might change the relationship. I am sorry that you finally have all the things you needed to take away your pain and unhappiness and it is being spoilt for you.

And to have only put back on 1.5 stones in spite of your PCOS and having the band removed is a fantastic achievement and you should not knock it.

Op this isn't tge answer however how long did your dp smoke for? How much did he smoke? Add it up and take off the £13k if he has still spent more yell if not don't

Using giving up smoking as a comparison to giving up food is unfair. With smoking you do not need to do it to survive. Once you've quit you can quit for good. It wouldn't be so bloody easy if they were told they had to have at least 2 cigarettes a day and then could never actually get the comfort/habit and the nicotine out of their systems, thereby keeping the addiction constantly fuelled.

When you have to eat, there is always one foot on the slipperly slope of eating too much, or eating the wrong things. It's much harder.

hi OP, you've had lots of good comments and support on here - I hope you take it ll to heart. I can't add much to what others have said and I agree there is probably something else behind all this but on the basic level, yes, you spent the money, the result is 2 DCs and a healthy wife, now what exactly is the problem? We've all made financial decisions that we've later regretted. We would be tens of thousands better off if we'd made different housing decisions in 2008 just before the market crashed. DP does a slightly similar thing to yours on a much smaller scale - he is quite inconsistent, sometimes being very tight and concerned about money and sometimes saying stuff it, we work hard, lets treat ourselves - then panicking afterwards, usually once he's bought what he wants! You HAVE to get him to understand how unhappy this is making you. Best of luck

I can guarantee that if you had somehow managed to lose enough weight to have ivf without the surgery, he would now be bitching about the cost of ivf. He wants a stick to beat you with, the surgery costs are just the stick. He'd just use a different stick.

Haha - yes my DH does that as well!

(that was to trixie BTW)

If you hadn't had the surgeries, how would he have liked it if you had constantly gone on about how much money had literally gone up in smoke due to his smoking? And there is a HUGE difference between giving up smoking and dieting - we HAVE to eat, that's the difficulty! Implying you should have been able to lose the weight on your own is mean - it's so difficult to diet, why does he think the diet industry is a multi-billion pound business? If he's usually a great bloke I think you need to sit him down and firmly tell him to stop with this bullying behaviour. Don't feel bad about the surgery, make him feel bad about the way he is treating you. Sounds to me like this has been festering in his head, he's brought it up, and because he made you feel bad, he's latched onto it. He feels bad and is looking for someone to blame, and he's decided its you. Tell him you're drawing a line under this argument, enough is enough.

I'm honestly surprised and massively touched at the responses you've all given me. I was expecting a flaming! DH's attitude has sort of made me expect it from everyone now The kind words make such a difference, thankyou so much. I have been feeling like a silly vain idiot with no willpower.

I'm worried though. It's pretty unanimous that something deeper/bigger is going on and I do agree. When I think back to the DH who was so supportive through the hell of fertility treatments, and the surgeries, and everything - and he was great, and he was so proud of me (ironic!). It's like it's not the same DH.

I don't think it's the money or at least not just the money. If he was happy then the money wouldn't be a big deal. And I am worried that he is so keen to make me feel shit, and that he won't discuss it properly.

It doesn't matter what exactly he is complaining about though -- the point is you can't change the past, and if you were to go back there you would probably make exactly the same decisions all over again. The other point is that if it wasn't the surgery it would be whatever else he saw fit to dredge up and use against you. He is harbouring anger and resentment against you. The surgery is just the occasion and not the cause.

He sounds as if he likes to feel superior (hence his comments about giving up smoking and addiction), like some sort of martyr who has done only good while everyone else has cheerfully taken advantage of him, someone who has given the proverbial inch and ended up losing a mile. You can't win with a person like this, and there is no sense in reasoning or debating or reminding him of facts or of his approval of the joint decisions made. Your only tactic is to blank him out. Resentment is his oxygen.

He is getting something out of this, whether it's the chance to feel superior again or some sort of enjoyment from seeing you stressed and guilt-ridden and worried and on your back foot, or maybe he likes being the centre of your attention instead of work or the children or whatever he feels was distracting you.

Next time he brings it up tell him you refuse to listen and then do not engage at all, no comments about smoking or any other detail, and don't ask him what has happened. Tell him 'when you are ready to talk honestly about what is going on I am ready to listen' and repeat without any change in your tone or the words until he gets the message.

You are being bullied, and the 'remorse' he is expressing about not being able to give more to the children because of money you spent on yourself is quite a sly and nasty weapon to try to use against you. Of course, he himself could have got a better qualification over the years, could have worked harder in school and brown nosed more to get ahead in his job and could be making more money -- but no, whatever insecurity or lack of self esteem he feels now for whatever reason, you are getting it both barrels.

That is exactly right Math.

It is nice to have someone lean on you and you feel good thinking about how supportive you're being, and no doubt others took note of his model husband behaviour too -- maybe he is threatened by your confidence and can't cope with a relationship of two people who are more or less equal?

Maybe he can't be intimate and interdependent with someone who is his equal in confidence and competence, and he has to maintain the little distance between the two of you that there was when he was the supportive one and you were in bits about a baby, obese, hiding at home, etc. -- what better way to put some distance between you and feel superior (as he probably did before when he was being supportive) than by pointing out to you how your incompetence at losing weight/inability to kick your so-called addiction is now affecting your children's quality of life?

Criticising a mother for hurting her children is a really low blow.

YANBU sounds like you worked extremely hard to lose the weight and keep it off, well done, gastric bands aren't remotely easy, neither is maintaining weight loss.

It's bizarre that he's moaning - as you say the money could have easily gone on rounds of IVF and in that instance you'd possibly still be overweight, no guaranteed success the IVF route, so would have been an overall worse result than definitely healthier and two lovely children.

Crazy! Maybe you should agree to differ but talk about moving FORWARD lots - he's beggaring about worrying about decisions made in the past which is pointless.

This is serious, cruel, misogynist bullying IMO

Please do not listen to your DH and feel shit, you should feel GREAT about yourself! Wow, you have achieved so much and, perhaps as a result, have your two wonderful DC.

The "cosmetic" surgery sounds important in correcting the effects of the weight loss. Can completely relate - even my post-DC stomach, much more minor issue, makes me cry!

DH and I have a rule that if we disagree with something we say so and try to resolve it at the time, or within a reasonable period (eg a few months) then cannot have a go at the other person later, even if circumstances change. Joint decisions are both of ours, even if one person was the instigator.

I would put my foot down with this, have it out, perhaps through counselling sessions. If he continued with it I would leave the relationship. It doesn't matter why he's doing it - that's his problem - it's totally wrong and has to stop.

Yy, you have not hurt the children! He is the one causing everyone hurt.

Don't listen to his abuse.