Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

In thinking about sending DD abroad for a longish holiday?

149 replies

nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 14:14

She is 4 years old. Dsis has just asked me to send her over to dubai for a month or two in March so she can spend some time with her cousins and have a nice long holiday/have fun before she starts school in Sept and becomes confined to school holiday visits.

I've just had a baby in January and this seems like such a brilliant offer, but am scared DD may feel pushed out. We just asked her if she'd like to go and she seems really eager as she had a brill time when we went there last year.

Would you send your 4 year old abroad for that long a time?

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 20/02/2012 10:47

Op it sounds like a wonderful opportunity :) I would send her with her Grandad and see how it goes... go with the baby when you think she needs to see you or you need to be with her.

I used to spend a lot of time with my GP's and Aunts/Uncles/Cousins as a child - it's a wonderful way to grow up :) It is lovely that you and your sister are so close and can give all of your children a great sense of family.

People who can't let others look after their children for more than a night (or at all) need to consider how those children would cope if anything were to happen to them. Children can love many people and be loved by many people - denying them this, when it's an option for them, is selfish. [No, I'm not saying you need to send them away for 2 months to do this, but all of this handwringing over a night or two away at the GP's etc is mad].

bakingaddict · 20/02/2012 10:47

But the thing about other cultures is that often it is done out of economic neccesity

I once worked with a guy from the Phillipines who had a daughter the same age as my son. He and his wife were working in the UK and their child was back overseas being looked after by grandparents. When I spoke about my son he would get all wistful and say how much he missed his daughter. This also happens a lot in China, parents go to work in the big cities and kids are left behind in the village and looked after by grandparents/extended families.

In the UK we dont have to make such stark financial choices, hence the reason most people responding find it unusual to want to be away from a v. young child for 2 months

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/02/2012 10:50

ChippingIn, well Dubai is a pretty long way, and it is for 2 months, that's hardly making it up as I go along! I didn't realise she was going with her grandad but I still stand by my opinion that the OP is being unreasonable by sending her. It is way too long for a 4 year old to be away from her parents.

TubbyDuffs · 20/02/2012 10:55

The visit visa for Dubai is only for 30 days anyway, so 2 months wouldn't be an option.

Personally, I think a week or two at the most would be ok (ish), although my son cried daily when I was in hopsital having my third child and I was only away 3 nights (he was 5), so I know he couldn't cope with being apart for that long.

Hardgoing · 20/02/2012 11:03

It also depends on the personality and the stage the child is at, I've found both mine have been more able to travel away from their parents/missed me at different ages, funnily enough both had a 'wobble' about being away after starting school. I have built up to mine having two weeks away (aged 6/8) either staying with grandparents or abroad, it wouldn't have been possible aged 4 as neither would have been mature enough to deal with it. I also tested it out over time, so the first year for 4 days, second year for a week and now two weeks. I think more than that, and any child will start to miss their parents.

choceyes · 20/02/2012 11:09

A week - yes
2 weeks - maybe.
I don't think I'd to it for anything longer than that. Perhaps the best situation would be to send her with her grandad and then join her in 1-2weeks time. That way you get a break if you need it and your DD won't miss you that much.

seeker · 20/02/2012 11:10

"a wonderful opportunity" What, to absorb the local culture, take in a show or two, shop, ski....? We're talking about a 4 year old!

Vanfurgstan · 20/02/2012 11:12

OP, growing up I spent a lot of time with my aunt and cousins on holidays. v r still very close and the memories i have of time with them are among some of my most treasured. I love my parents so no issues with relationship with them.
I dnt think she will b scarred for life.

Vanfurgstan · 20/02/2012 11:13

But do consider what seeker said about sibling bonds.

PeppyNephrine · 20/02/2012 11:18

Lack of imagination in that other people do different things, and you're lacking in something if you can't bring yourself to think of things from a different perspective.

Why on earth wouldn't you send a child to loving family members for a while? Its lovely to have close extended family.

Like I said earlier, irs more about you feeling bothered than a child.

Tmesis · 20/02/2012 11:20

I agree that it would be unwise to split your children up at this age. The bonds they form now while your DC2 is small and immobile and thinks your DD is the best and funniest person in the world are what will see them through in a few months when DC2 is mobile and starts ripping up or chewing your DD's stuff.

If you went with both children, then a good idea. But your DD on her own, for more than a week or so, not.

dandelionss · 20/02/2012 11:28

I think even a week without her parents at 4 is a long time (unless with GPs they know very well)
I think you are totally bonkers to even consider it! You'll scar the poor little thing for life!

Helltotheno · 20/02/2012 11:40

You'll scar the poor little thing for life!

ok, drama much?!
OP I'm sure it won't psychologically damage her, it just seems a pity that she'll miss out on that precious time? In saying that, I would take any of my nephews/nieces in a heartbeat and treat them like my own so maybe it will be character-building for her and I'm sure your sister would be sensitive to her feeling lonely and would send her home if necessary.

TeddyMcardle · 20/02/2012 11:57

My dad did this with my half brother, he was sent abroad for two months (not India though), no new baby either, just to his wife's family, and she has a huge family.
He came back with severe issues around food, he's now being referred to a nutritionist as his diet is so limited. He refuses to eat practically anything, lots of control issues, even my Dad acknowledges that food is the only thing he sees as in his control, he's worried about being sent away again. He's nearly 7 now.

It's not about being dramatic, it's acknowledging that children handle things differently and you cannot know the effect this will have on a child. I imagine my half brother will carry some of the issues this caused for the rest of his life.

Some children will thrive on the adventure, some will be damaged by the separation. It's not something I would do.

mumeeee · 20/02/2012 12:14

I would send her for a week maybe 2 weeks and then go and join her. A month or two without you is way to long for a 4 year old.

Vanfurgstan · 20/02/2012 12:20

TeddyM a loving aunt and that too ur mum's sister is very different to being sent away to a large extended family. As the Op said they are very close.

nooka · 21/02/2012 05:02

The OP said that she was very close to her sister. I really don't see how her dd can be very close to her aunt, given that the aunt has for the past two years lived in Dubai, which means that contact has of necessity been relatively limited. A chat on Skype is really really not the same as spending time with someone. I say this as we live abroad and the relationships between my children and their grandparents has changed a great deal, as has the friendship between the cousins. They just don't know each other very well any more :(

GiserableMitt · 21/02/2012 05:50

The visit visa for Dubai is only for 30 days anyway, so 2 months wouldn't be an option.

Her family can drive her across the border into Oman (about 1.5 hours away) and get a new visa for another 30 days. OP would need to look into having the correct paperwork to allow people other than the parents do this but that aside, it's very easy.

seeker · 21/02/2012 05:53

I suppose I just can't see who would benefit from this arrangement.

WMDinthekitchen · 21/02/2012 06:19

Hi Special, you are getting a lot of criticism here... A month or two is a very long time and I think your DD has no conception of what it really means. Having her to stay might help your DSis feel close to you- perhaps you and she are very close and she misses you. You haven't been well and maybe it is very hard for you with a baby and a lively 4 year old (that's an observation not a criticism). Don't know about the rest of your family, though. What does DP/H think? Could you go with DD for a couple of weeks, to be joined by him later? Could you all wait and go at Easter (maybe there are money concerns, other DC etc)? Hope things feel easier soon.

dandelionss · 21/02/2012 09:05

It's not a case of how loving the aunt is.The people who do not see how damaging this is, really have not the first idea about a young childs needs and development.

PeppyNephrine · 21/02/2012 09:38

Bollocks. Absolute horseshit, dandelion.
Precious much?

Floggingmolly · 21/02/2012 09:47

She'll think she's been replaced with the baby brother. She's four! The logic employed by four year olds can be truly astounding. I really wouldn't do this.

seeker · 21/02/2012 09:56

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6