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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking about sending DD abroad for a longish holiday?

149 replies

nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 14:14

She is 4 years old. Dsis has just asked me to send her over to dubai for a month or two in March so she can spend some time with her cousins and have a nice long holiday/have fun before she starts school in Sept and becomes confined to school holiday visits.

I've just had a baby in January and this seems like such a brilliant offer, but am scared DD may feel pushed out. We just asked her if she'd like to go and she seems really eager as she had a brill time when we went there last year.

Would you send your 4 year old abroad for that long a time?

OP posts:
Hulababy · 19/02/2012 20:36

At 4y I personally wouldn't have had DD away from us for more than a night or two, and that was only at my parents or inlaws an hour away.
DD is 9y now and has spent up to 5 nights away with family, although not abroad although she goes to France with school for 3 nights in May.

I personally wouldn't send my 9y away for 1-2 months. It's just not for me and Dh feels the same.

A week - yes.
Two weeks - not sure.
More than 2 weeks - no.

Each to their own though.

humpdebump · 19/02/2012 21:16

I think sending her there for 2/3 weeks is a grand idea. Especially if she is close to them and travelling over there with your Dad - what an adventure!

If you can follow her there a couple of weeks later imagine how excited she will be! - wanting to show you around I expect. Plus gives her reassurance you are coming and she can look forward to it.
I'd hesitate at a month or more, just cause she will be wanting to see you. I think only you know how long she'd be ok with.
I left my DC's (age 5 and 3) at their grandparents for nearly a month after baby was born. Okay so its not abroad but still over 200 miles away. They had a brilliant time, have formed such close bonds with them and also do different things that I'm unable to do. Yes I missed them LOTS especially by 3 weeks. And they missed me - they told me so....but they were FINE. We talked on the phone when they weren't "too busy to talk Mummy"!
When people said to me "Ooo I couldn't leave mine for that long, I just reply "well I don't have any relatives nearby I can dump them with for the odd weekend like you do". That usually shuts them up.

runningwilde · 19/02/2012 21:57

She is FOUR - and you think you can gp by what she says when she says yes, I want to go - she doesn't have ANY ideas how long a month or two months is. A week maybe but I find it terrible that you don't seem to have any idea that being away from a parent for so long is not a good idea for suck a young child. Seems like it is more for you than her. I am flabbergasted you would even consider it.

runningwilde · 19/02/2012 21:58

Hump - I don't know where you get your ideas from but I have NEVER dumped my kids on anyone and never would and I don't know many who would either (only a few selfish parents)

GavisconJunkie · 19/02/2012 22:13

Hump it may surprise you to learn that lots of people, lots & lots in fact don't dump their dc at all! Really!

seeker · 19/02/2012 22:25

I think forming strong bonds with the extended family is incredibly important, and if there wasn't a new baby in the picture, I would probably be responding differently. But the single most important bond at this stage is the sibling bond. And if you don't really work at that it won't happen. And if thenbig sister isn't actually there, then how on earth can that bond develop? I have about the same sort of age gap, and my now 16 year old dd still remembers that ds's first smile was for her. And the first time he laughed was at her. And his first word was an attempt at her name. (well, actually, his second word. His first word was Goal!) They are very close, and good friends now. I am as certain as I can be that without those early days together they wouldn't be.

flyingspaghettimonster · 20/02/2012 00:20

I was 7 when my second sister was born and my middle sister was in hospital with dislocated hips. I was sent to my grandparents for a couple of months.

They were without a doubt the very best months of my childhood. I didn't miss home at all or feel pushed out. I cried buckets when I had to leave though.

So from a child's perspective I think it is fine. As a mother I don't think I could do it though!

seeker · 20/02/2012 05:32

7 is very different to 4.

vvviola · 20/02/2012 05:41

DD1 spent a month in a different country with my parents while we were waiting for DD2 to arrive. She had just turned 4. She loved every second of it, was often too busy to talk to us, but was still very ready to come home - especially to see her new sister.

I'm not sure I'd send her at this stage though - she's very attached to her sister and likes to claim every milestone as being the result of something she has done Grin

I also wouldn't send her anywhere other than my parents - its like a second home to her.

nooka · 20/02/2012 06:01

My concern here would be how well your dd and sister/cousins know each other if your sister lives in Dubai. My children stayed with my parents quite a bit when they were younger, and now we have moved to another continent we've thought about the possibility of sending them to the UK for a couple of weeks in the summer holidays. But the years apart mean that the relationship just isn't as strong (plus my parents are getting a bit doddery). So I'd worry at least a bit about that - you may love your sister like a mother, and she may dote on your dd, but how well does your dd actually know her? Plus four days is not remotely like two months, and if it doesn't work out it will be very upsetting for all of you.

I'd send her off for a week and then follow her.

SilentBoob · 20/02/2012 07:02

I think Seeker makes an excellent point about the bonding aspect.

The baby is a massive part of your daughter's life. Don't deny her that.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 07:10

What does your husband/her father have to say about it?

Chandon · 20/02/2012 07:33

oh seeker. so true.

my DS1 made DS2 smile more than anyone, even at 2 months old, and they have had a bond since birth.

hey are very close, it is so heartwarming, non of that jealousy stuff.

DS2 first word was his brother's name here too

sashh · 20/02/2012 08:28

Ask her, but buy tickets you can change if she changes her mind after a week.

You know your 4 year old better than anyone on here, some are fine with time away from parents, some have to be fine if a parent is ill or in prison / another country.

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 08:33

no i wouldnt send a 4 year old away for a couple of months she would miss you and probably a bit bored after the initial excitment had worn off , she wont know how long she will be away for she doesnt know what a month or 2 is ,

Original poster
nobodyspecial · 20/02/2012 08:59

I understand what some of you are saying about the bonding and stuff. He's only smiled twice so far and twice it has been for DD, so I wouldn't want to deny her any more of those milestones.

As far as my husband is concerned, he is fine with the idea as he has a brother out there too, so it would be a chance for her to get to know her uncle aswell. We did discuss this a month or two ago before DS was born and he thought it would be a good idea if I go over for a holiday after the baby was born.

My sister and family moved out there 2 years ago, but we talk regularly on skype and went out to visit last year. I sometimes leave DD to talk to her cousins online for as long as she wants. They are all older than her, so see her as their baby sister so I know there would be no squabbling and they really do get on well with each other.

I really am loving these words: Odd, Flabbergasted (a favourite now!), Shocked, Wrong....I think I am perfectly justified in thinking about doing this. I think the posters who have sent their children on extended holidays on this thread kind of prove that you can do it and STILL (shock!!!!) have a loving relationship with your child!!

Like I've said before, no decisions shall be made until baby has had his 16 week jabs and is fully immunised.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 20/02/2012 09:02

Not for me, no way. My kids would've really missed us.

It's up to you though, every family is different. The one thing I'd say is that your perceptions about your child (which you mentioned above) may be very different to that child's perception of how she herself is. I have made some assumptions about my children - not major ones - that have turned out to be the opposite of how they felt themselves. I think at four, it's very hard for a child to say whether it would bother her to be away from you for two months and I personally wouldn't be taking the chance.

nowittynamehere · 20/02/2012 09:07

If you think you are perfectly justified then send her , people will think its odd to send a 4 year old away for 2 months because it is quite odd , imo I havnt heard of a 4 year old being away for that long , and most wont have either , after 5 pages you are picking out words that seem extreme and maybe taken out of context a little , A 4 year old could miss its parents will miss the familiy routine and be hard to settle back into the familiy when they get home , I think these are things you should think about , its hardly cruel going to dubai for a stay not the workhouse she is going to Grin but she wil miss you ,

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/02/2012 10:06

What an odd thread! OP, YABVU

PeppyNephrine · 20/02/2012 10:23

Why is she BVU?

Are the great many numbers of people in other cultures that would find this unremarkable and totally normal very unreasonable ? Or are you just unable to consider that someting you wouldn't personally do could be fine for other people?
Shows a startling lack of imagination.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/02/2012 10:26

Her daughter is only 4 years old and she wants to send her halfway around the world alone for 2 months! How is that not being very unreasonable?! Why would I need to use my imagination? We're not writing stories or poems are we? We're giving opinions to the OP after she has asked if she is being unreasonable!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/02/2012 10:27

And yes, I think that anyone who would do this, regardless of culture, is being very unreasonable.

Hardgoing · 20/02/2012 10:36

It is true that in some cultures, sending the children away for long holidays with relatives is quite normal. However, the children tend to be a bit older (7 up) plus they do miss their parents! One of my friends was sent away every summer, and didn't see her parents for about eight weeks at a time. She does still resent that, and thinks her parents couldn't wait for her to leave. It may be usual, but it doesn't mean people don't miss their parents or wish things were different, they just get on with it as it is usually for economic/schooling reasons.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 20/02/2012 10:42

Hex - she would be going with her Grandad and staying with her Aunt and cousins who she knows very well. How is that remotely like sending her 'halfway around the world alone for 2 months' ??? Talk about a making it up as you go along!

swanthingafteranother · 20/02/2012 10:42

I know people who've done this. And there were always long term repercussions. After all, people used to think it perfectly normal to send their children to boarding school at 7/8; just because so many people DID it, didn't make it right or good for the children. My sister used to leave her first two sons for a week or two with granny when she went on holiday. She never did it with her 3rd son. She knew what the repercussions were. She knew however she dressed it up as "fun" or "independence" he would rather be with her than anyone else.
I had to leave my daughter, aged 7 with her twin brother, her beloved grandparents, her aunty, her favourite favourite cousins, for a week whilst I was in hospital with ds1 (broken leg complications) She still talks about how awful it was missing me, although at the time she appeared to be absolutely happy and everyone said how well she coped, and how independent she was etc.
It might seem like she's having a better time with your sister in Dubai but I think a week is the most you should think of letting her be there without you.