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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking about sending DD abroad for a longish holiday?

149 replies

nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 14:14

She is 4 years old. Dsis has just asked me to send her over to dubai for a month or two in March so she can spend some time with her cousins and have a nice long holiday/have fun before she starts school in Sept and becomes confined to school holiday visits.

I've just had a baby in January and this seems like such a brilliant offer, but am scared DD may feel pushed out. We just asked her if she'd like to go and she seems really eager as she had a brill time when we went there last year.

Would you send your 4 year old abroad for that long a time?

OP posts:

Francagoestohollywood · 18/02/2012 16:46

I am pretty sure she'll have a lovely time, but I wouldn't send her for such a long time. She is 4 after all, despite being so confident.
One week, ten days maximum.

Rhinestone · 18/02/2012 17:10

Stunned you even need to ask for advice on this quite honestly. It's a horrible idea.

Her saying she wants to go is irrelevant, a 4 yr old has no concept of how long 2 months is. Shocked that your DSis suggested it and shocked that you're even considering it.

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2012 17:10

No.
And she'll miss out on seeing all the changes in her sibling in a month.
It would be like coming back to a different baby!

Alligatorpie · 18/02/2012 17:31

No. I wouldn't do it. Not even for a week. At that age kids have no concept time. I would miss my dd too much, and I know she would miss me and be upset every night. Any chance you could go too?

quirrelquarrel · 18/02/2012 17:47

It's not a horrible idea! Some children do get upset and homesick however they're brought up- lots, given the chance, are very resourceful and stand on their own two feet. And even if she does cry for a couple of days- chances are she'll be right as rain afterwards and feel proud of herself for getting over it and spend the rest of the time having fun. Very good for children to have lots of different experiences. Think how independent it could make her.

manicinsomniac · 18/02/2012 18:11

I'd do it. I don't think YABU at all.

This is your sister and her cousins who she knows and adores not a stranger.

Not sure about all the people saying 'oh no, I couldn't possibly do that, I'd miss her too much.' I have a 4 year old and, while I would probably hate it and miss her I really don't think she would be upset - and this is about your daughter and her experience not you isn't it! I think it would be amazing for her.

If you have the money I'd get her an open return ticket, make the arrangement fluid and tell her she can come home whenever she wants - whether that's one week, two weeks or the whole two months.

What do you think children of divorced parents who live in separate countries do?! They just have to get used to staying away from one parent for a long period of time don't they! One of my best friends' ex lives in Kenya. Her children (age 4,10 and 12) have to go and be with him for 4-6 weeks at a time in holidays otherwise it wouldn't be fair on him or them. Sucks but you do it

LaFilleSurLePont · 18/02/2012 18:17

Not a chance. And four year olds don't know what they'll want in an hour,let alone a month.Her opinion means little imho. A week perhaps,but no longer.

EDRefugee · 18/02/2012 18:18

At 4, I'd probably not. But if everyone's really keen on the plan, and she's going with Grandpa to beloved Auntie, it's hardly child abuse. Maybe say 2 weeks, not a month. A month will seem very, very long to you and to her.

Original poster

nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 18:31

Thanks for all the replies.

rhinestone why are you shocked that Dsis suggested it?! We have a very close relationship, and the reason I say she is like a second mother to DD is because our mother died when we were very young. Although we can't fill the gap of a matriarch in the family, we try very hard to make we can give each other's children some kind of feeling of love from a mother type figure in the family.

I find it quite hilarious how I'm being made out to be some kind of ogre mother who has no bond with her DD. I don't feel the need to justify myself in regards to that!

Still haven't really decided what to do. May wait until baby has had 16 week jabs and then make a decision, but she is definitely going to go, not sure for how long though!

OP posts:

Runlolarun · 18/02/2012 18:40

I would definately send her! She would have a fantastic time, I think it will be far harder on you though, so be prepared to follow on a few weeks later!

troisgarcons · 18/02/2012 18:41

Where I come from, which isnt mainland Britain, its very rural and all 5yo's are sent into the town to boarding school and only go home at half term. Those that live a reasonable distance might go home at weekends. At 16 they are sent to mainland UK to 6th form college boarding school and go home twice a year. That has happened for generations and isn't a spectacularly dysfunctional society either. Certainly not as dysfunctional as the UK is.

So really I don't see any issues with this whole month with family thing.

DinahMoHum · 18/02/2012 18:46

can you go too?

YouOldSlag · 18/02/2012 18:54

"I have not once claimed it is a good idea, I am merely asking for advice on the matter!" but in your OP you are obviously thinking about doing it so you can't think it's a BAD idea.

I could not imagine being away from my children for up to two months. I wouldn't even be considering it.

A long holiday with loving relatives is a great idea, but sending a 4yo away fro between 4 to 8 weeks is far too long.

I don't want to be pen pals with my kids, I want to kiss them goodnight. These early years are gone in a flash.

MrsSleepy · 18/02/2012 18:54

I would and have and do! My kids aged 3 and 8 go every year on a 16 hour flight to stay with my parents for the WHOLE 6 weeks school holiday, they go on the plane with my mum, Yes I miss them and they miss me but they love spending time with their GP's but they have been going from a few months old so are used to it.

But OTOH I work 50 hours a week and DH works 40 hours a week so they also spend alot of time in childcare and with PIL.

God that makes us sound like terrible parents doesn't it.

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 18:56

Not in a million years. Not at 4, not just after I'd had a baby, not on a plane alone, so many nots.

sparkle12mar08 · 18/02/2012 19:03

Send her for a fortnight and then go join them for another 2-4 weeks. I think that's a perfectly reasonable compromise.

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 19:03

(And now I know where TroisGarcons comes from. Very nice it is too, I'm told. :) )

Chandon · 18/02/2012 19:12

not terrible, Mrs Sleepy, just...absent quite a bit, I guess. But you cannot have everything in life, and everyone has to make choices, and do what they think is best. My mum was ALWAYS there for me, and I always wished I had been farmed out a bit more, as being at someone else's house was always so much more exciting... I envied my latchkey friends. Apparently I even told my mum to take up a hobby, so she would leave the house .

About sending DD away for 2 months...I would not do this as I think it is really good for the tot to bond with its sibling (my pfb was so generous and excited about his brother, it brought out such a lovely side of his character, unexpectedly I must admit). It was a special time as a family, the 4 of us.

You can just see how it goes I guess? If she is unhappy, they could send her back?

Chandon · 18/02/2012 19:16

just remember, my DH used to travel for long periods of time. When he would come back after 3 or 4 weeks, the DC would be happy to see him, but would also "punish" him (subconsciously, I doubt a 1 and a 3 year old tried to upset him on purpose) terribly, and their rejection of him used to bring him to tears. It always took a few days/weeks to go back to normal.

DO mentally prepare for that, and for your DD to cry out for her auntie, not you, the first few days after her return. it hurts.

MrsSleepy · 18/02/2012 19:17

Yes very absent, Feel horrendous guilt at times and I wish I could give up work but I really don't think we can survive without my wage.

When my 2 are away for the school hols we Skype every day and I can honestly say they do love going, They do miss us but I spent alot of time with my GP's when I was young and I loved it, Never missed home, But everyones different and has different opinions.

seeker · 18/02/2012 19:23

It is incredibly important that your dd bonds with her baby brother. If you want them to have a good relationship they need time together and lots of it. Sending her away for 8 weeks at this crucial time in both their lives is such a bad idea!

Chandon · 18/02/2012 19:37

Oh Mrsleepy, ALL parents have "the guilt" about one thing or another. It is part of parenthood. A mad American friend of mine bellowed, when walking in on my newborn baby and self crying, "Oh welcome to motherhood, it is ALLLLLLL about the guilt! You will feel guilty all the time, enjoy it!"

Floggingmolly · 18/02/2012 19:47

No, at any time. But straight after a new baby arrives? Seriously? She won't forget that in a hurry.

banana87 · 18/02/2012 19:49

No. Maybe for a week but definitely not a month.

izzyizin · 18/02/2012 20:04

Are you planning to pack her off to boarding school when she's 7?

When parents describe their infants as 'very resilient', 'un' and 'natural' come to mind.

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