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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking about sending DD abroad for a longish holiday?

149 replies

nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 14:14

She is 4 years old. Dsis has just asked me to send her over to dubai for a month or two in March so she can spend some time with her cousins and have a nice long holiday/have fun before she starts school in Sept and becomes confined to school holiday visits.

I've just had a baby in January and this seems like such a brilliant offer, but am scared DD may feel pushed out. We just asked her if she'd like to go and she seems really eager as she had a brill time when we went there last year.

Would you send your 4 year old abroad for that long a time?

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 18/02/2012 14:51

No way, a week it two at the most. A 4 year old has no concept of time do whilst she might be all for it the reality is she would miss you after a while.

AThingInYourLife · 18/02/2012 14:54

I have a child of that age, there is no way she would understand what she was asking for if she said she wanted to go away from us for a month (or two!)

A week I would think about, but I think the risks of her feeling pushed away are high.

Still - an exciting holiday with cousins and a doting auntie would be great. I think a week and no more. Definitely not a month.

Blacksquirrel · 18/02/2012 14:59

Could you not go with the baby too? Maybe 3 or 4 weeks during April/May.

Greythorne · 18/02/2012 15:01

I don't think this is a good idea.
Can you imagine two months without your DP?
For most people, that would be tough.
She's 4 and does not have the same concept of time.
I think it would be very tough for her.

Original poster

nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 15:02

Blacksquirrel that would also be an option. I was a bit two minded about it when talking about it, and Dsis suggested sending her with Dad and then coming out myself 2 or 3 weeks later and stay a few weeks. I think I am leaning towards this idea.

OP posts:

susiedaisy · 18/02/2012 15:04

Absolutely not that is far too long for such a young child, although I can see why your tempted, but no way would I do it.

NotWell · 18/02/2012 15:06

Of course she would miss you. She will miss you after the fun ends....no days are ALL fun. What if she got sick, fell over...needed an extra bedtime cuddle...then she would miss you.

lemniscate · 18/02/2012 15:10

I wouldn't do it with my almost 4yo even without a new baby. It's so very long and she will miss you terribly however resilient a little girl she is. Add in the new sibling she should be getting to know and bond with, and I think it could cause way more problems than it solves. It takes children a long while to get used to the changed family dynamics when a sibling arrives, and the only way they deal with it is by mum and dad being there and reminding them how much they are loved. If you send her away, she will feel rejected, guaranteed, however much she enjoys herself. A week maybe, but any longer would be cruel. Better she's a little bored at home with you and her sibling than having fun 24/7 but without seeing you for 2 months.

Snowbeetle · 18/02/2012 15:11

Could you get an open-return ticket so that she could go, but if she shows signs of missing home can go back anytime?

Like someone said she may not realise quite what 'away for a month' means, but sounds like she would be well taken care of and knows what to expect having been before?

Things would be more settled with new one when she gets back. There are possible issues with her staying after all - what if being permanently couped up cos of little one causes her resentment issues? Don't think you can second guess how a lo will go on the emotional connections front. She might feel all entrusted by being allowed to go and being the 'grown up one' instead of being the one who was the baby but now isn't may give her a sense of place which helps her accept the new baby without too much jealousy.

I think you should trust your instincts.

piprabbit · 18/02/2012 15:11

I'd think carefully about the impact such an extended visit might have on your DD settling at school.
My DD struggled to cope with a new(ish) baby plus starting school. If she had been coping with the upheaval of a) settling into holiday routine and b) resettling into home routine, it would have made the start of school even harder. Plus at that age they have a dawning realisation that life goes on in their absence - DD was horrified to discover that DS and I got toys out and played with them while she was at school.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 18/02/2012 15:14

I think a month will be too long. But i could in lieu if that helps .
My dd went to Ireland with my mother last year, and was fine until about 4 days in, and then was quite whiny esp at bedtimes.
I phoned quite a lot, and tbh i think that made her worse.

xmyboys · 18/02/2012 15:15

I think she would love it. She won't feel pushed out, I am sure she will barely remember.
She will be staying with cousins she won't be lonely.
Yes yes yea before school starts! No holiday is ever the same.

007alert · 18/02/2012 15:21

I wouldn't be happy about my 10 year old being away for 2 months. Even if he were away at boarding school (which he's not) he would be home for exeats and half term etc far more frequently than once every 2 months.

I think there is a big chance that you would be making things harder for yourself in the long term with regards to your dd bonding with your baby, and then with school starting a couple of months after she's back, it sounds like a lot of large changes to me. Send her with your dad, then go out a week or so later and stay with your sister for a few more weeks would sound like a good compromise to me.

spicyorange · 18/02/2012 15:26

It depends on if she is used to being away from you for long periods. I think 4 is a bit young for up to two months but a couple of weeks and you go out for a few weeks would probs be best.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 18/02/2012 15:28

No, I wouldn't.

If you have a good relationship, you'll miss each other terribly. I think a mother and child who wouldn't be made miserable by this probably have some work to do!

Dexy83 · 18/02/2012 15:34

I can't understand why you would think this is a good idea? A month or two?! Seriously?!?

Original poster

nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 15:38

Erm...you obviously haven't read my OP Dexy83. Here, let me put it in bold for you:

I've just had a baby in January and this seems like such a brilliant offer, but am scared DD may feel pushed out... Would you send your 4 year old abroad for that long a time?

I have not once claimed it is a good idea, I am merely asking for for advice on the matter!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 15:38

No way and especially since you've just had a baby...she may feel completely pushed out no matter how excited she appears to be.

And the 'month or two' bit is quite confusing really...it sounds so very blase considering there's a massive difference between anyone going abroad for one month or two months...let alone a 4yr old child without her parents.

Heswall · 18/02/2012 15:50

Don't let what you've actually written get in the way of a good row OP

quirrelquarrel · 18/02/2012 16:14

When I was four I spent a month or so away from my parents while they went hiking in another country- I ran wild with my cousins in the meadow behind the house, learnt to swim without armbands, got devoured by mosquitos and lost in the woods....don't think I spared a thought for my parents! The amount of babying on this thread is amazing. As long as you keep banging on about how much you'll miss her and how glad you are for her that she's going to have such an adventure, and talk to her all the time...I wouldn't be so precious about it.

IloveJudgeJudy · 18/02/2012 16:20

I agree with quirrelquirrel. I also quite like the idea of your going out there after a month and staying there with her for a month or so. You said she likes her cousins and your Dsis so I would sell it to her like that.

IloveJudgeJudy · 18/02/2012 16:22

Plus, I wouldn't be skyping or anything like that with her. I would write her letters and photos instead (could do emails at a push). I think keep keeping in touch will make it difficult for her to settle.

my2centsis · 18/02/2012 16:35

I have a 10week old and a nearly 4year old and o wouldn't even dream of letting dd go away for more then two weeks at the absolute most! She is still my wee girl I would miss her waaayyy too much and she would miss me. Ireally can't understand how you would even be thinking about doing this.

Each to their own :)

Congrats on new baby

quirrelquarrel · 18/02/2012 16:36

Yes, letters and photos are good. Very fun to have a penpal :) and good memories for later.

GossipMonger · 18/02/2012 16:38

Not when she is so little.

I would however, send my obstreperous and frowsy 9yr old DS!

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