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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking about sending DD abroad for a longish holiday?

149 replies

nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 14:14

She is 4 years old. Dsis has just asked me to send her over to dubai for a month or two in March so she can spend some time with her cousins and have a nice long holiday/have fun before she starts school in Sept and becomes confined to school holiday visits.

I've just had a baby in January and this seems like such a brilliant offer, but am scared DD may feel pushed out. We just asked her if she'd like to go and she seems really eager as she had a brill time when we went there last year.

Would you send your 4 year old abroad for that long a time?

OP posts:
TheOriginalSteamingNit · 18/02/2012 20:12

manic what do I think te children of divorced parents who live a long way from one parent do? I think they miss the other parent and are unhappy.

I still think if you and your daughter wouldn't be unhappy while this happened, there's something wrong with the relationship.

ToxicToria · 18/02/2012 20:21

No I could never do that my DS is 6 and he has only ever stayed overnight with my DM a handful of times and she only lives round the corner, I could not have him being that far away never mind for that length of time.

DamsonJam · 18/02/2012 21:31

If she is very close to your sister and her cousins and has managed fine on a 4 day stay with them before I would say let her go but please don't make it any longer than a week to ten days.

I vividly remember being sent to stay with my grandparents when I was 4 when my Mum was due to give birth to my younger sister. I adored my grandparents, was well looked after, had lots of fun there, and was with my older siblings so had plenty of company and distraction. But we ended up staying for 3 weeks (went up a week before baby was due and baby came 2 weeks late). Although I'd apparently been perfectly happy on weekends away from my parents before then (I don't actually remember them though - obviously too young) this was the longest I had ever been away from my mum at that stage. I still remember that from about 10 days in I just missed my Mum so much and became completely misterable, and kept asking when I could go home. This was even though I had coped so well before and was in a loving and fun environment. I was so relieved to come home.

PeppyNephrine · 18/02/2012 21:34

I probably would, and have no qualms about it. Perfectly normal in many cultures.

I think many are hung up more on the idea that they are utterly indispensible to their children rather than thinking about whether it would be suitable for the child.

Original poster
nobodyspecial · 18/02/2012 21:49

I used to have loads of friends and distant relatives who had grandparents and family abroad, and they used to go and stay for weeks/months when they were younger. All these people turned out normal with healthy loving relationships with their parents! The reason is because they were sent to trusted family members - not just any will nilly stranger!

I would be a plane journey away, which is why we have decided to wait until DS has had his final jabs and I'm more well in myself.

OP posts:
fairimum · 18/02/2012 21:52

can you go too?

flibbertywidget · 18/02/2012 21:57

I wouldn't send her for that long. 4 yr olds have no concept of time. (which may or may not work in your favour here)

A week or 2 perhaps, but for me that would kill me, I would miss my DD too much (she is the same age)

My PILS live in France, they are desperate for me to send DD there for the summer. I don't think it will happen until she actually wants to be away from me for 6wks. My DD is a sensitive sould and v much a mummy's girl.

but you know your child and your sister.

good luck with your decision

cestlavielife · 18/02/2012 22:26

Why don't you both go ? And the new baby ?

Haziedoll · 18/02/2012 22:31

A month or two is not really a holiday, it would be like you are sending her to live with them whilst you look after the baby. Not a good idea.

whydontwehaveasharpknife · 18/02/2012 22:34

No this isnt a good idea not at all

Dozer · 18/02/2012 22:36
Shock
HoneyandHaycorns · 18/02/2012 22:39

Are you originally from another country by any chance, OP? This sort of long stay with extended family is very common in my DH's culture, and it clearly doesn't do the children any harm. Nor does it seem to damage family relationships, which tend to be very strong.

Personally, I would find it too hard to be away from dd for so long, but I don't think you're mad to consider this. You're obviously close to your DSis, and presumably your dd knows her too. I think my dd would be perfectly happy with my DSis for a few weeks actually - it's me that wouldn't cope. Grin

Could you leave it a bit longer before sending her, so that she doesn't feel pushed out before sending her?

akaemmafrost · 18/02/2012 22:55

No and as for saying she wants to go, I went to Boarding School at age 9 and my sister said she wanted to go too, so they sent her with me, she was 4 Sad. A four year old is quite obviously not capable of analysing and making such a decision.

I wouldn't consider it for a moment.

PeppyNephrine · 18/02/2012 23:00

Gotta love the mindset here. No content with "no, I wouldn't do it", you also get lots of "YOU MUST NOT DO THIS" "this is a terrible idea" and "Please don't do this".
Chill out peeps, no-one is asking you to do it!

HoneyandHaycorns · 18/02/2012 23:03

I think many are hung up more on the idea that they are utterly indispensible to their children rather than thinking about whether it would be suitable for the child.

I agree with this, actually. I think the parent in this situation would find the separation much harder than the child.

dikkertjedap · 18/02/2012 23:04

OP in one of your responses you say:

Still haven't really decided what to do. May wait until baby has had 16 week jabs and then make a decision, but she is definitely going to go, not sure for how long though!

This does not give me the feeling that you are doing it for your dd, you have made up your mind and it seems you want a break from your dd, hence she got to go ... At least that is how it comes across to me.

PeppyNephrine · 18/02/2012 23:09

Did you cut some words out of your quote or are you just mind-reading? Because you added in an awful lot to what she said....

HoneyandHaycorns · 18/02/2012 23:09

Confused I don't see anything in the OP's posts to suggest that she wants a break from her dd. Nothing at all. Hmm

HoneyandHaycorns · 18/02/2012 23:09

X post peppy

Snowbeetle · 19/02/2012 09:44

I agree with honeyandhaycorns OP would prob find it harder that dd. I really can't see why the horror at the suggestion. We don't know the child, the family bonds or anything, and those would make a big difference. It wouldn't suit every child but could certainly suit some. Look what quirrelquarrel said.

Small babies can be very boring for little children and who is to say dd wouldn't bond just as well if not better if she is around when new baby is doing something other than sleeping all the time. Who says a good bond can only be built from the get-go?

I think OP should just trust her instincts and dd can always come home if she isn't having fun anymore. The idea was all about giving the dd a great experience and one last fling before school, with some help with new baby benefit thrown in as garnish not the main course.

Flatbread · 19/02/2012 10:56

I think if it works out well, and your dd forms a close, loving relationship with aunt and cousins, you will have given her a special gift. Noone can have too much love, and you are allowing your dd to form her own relationships and bonds.

When she is older, not only will she have mum, dad and sibling, she will also have aunt and cousins as people she can trust and love. I come from a close knit extended family and often stayed with GPs and aunts for extended periods of time. Now, even if I don't meet them regularly, the ties are still very strong and it is lovely to go and stay with a cousin in a far away country and be immediately comfortable as we had such strong bonds as children.

I feel sad for children where the mums are possessive and the children have only the immediate family as a support structure...

GinPalace · 19/02/2012 12:21

well said Flatbread

everlong · 19/02/2012 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PowderMum · 19/02/2012 20:29

OP I think your plans are not unreasonable, especially as you are still deliberating and waiting for you LO to have their first jabs.

I think from reading your posts your Dad would be going out with your DD and she knows your sister, and you are not worried about her having separation anxiety.

On this basis you would not be unreasonable to send her out to Dubai in advance of you joining her there. Only you would know how long this should be although I would have thought 4 weeks max.

Having read many posts on here there are many parents who do not want to be separated from their DC ever.

My background may explain - Both DH and I are WOHP with my DH travelling often for business, we have taken holidays without our children and they have been away with their grandparents. They are now well adjusted teenagers with a strong desire to travel

GavisconJunkie · 19/02/2012 20:34

Not two months & actually whilst of course I'm sure you love her, it does seem an odd thing to even be considering seriously.

Agree that whilst she may think she wants to, there's no way she has any concept of that length of time at this age.

I'm surprised your dsis would think you'd be ok with it. I'd struggle massively with two weeks.

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