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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by the term 'kept woman'

123 replies

peelywalypolly · 13/02/2012 21:30

Tonight someone i know asked if i worked. I said i didn't at the moment because I look after my children who are 3, 5 and 7. She then said 'oh so you are a kept woman'.

This then led to a 5 min conversation about how it works in a relationship when you have young kids (this person is in her 20's and single which is probably why we were having the conversation)

My husband works part time. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I'm at home full time and dh is at home part time, meaning we can raise our kids together and still have time for ourselves and each other too. The sacrifice is money.

My contribution in our partnership is the childcare 75% of the time, the cooking, the household chores, the bill paying, the shopping, the diy, the fixing the car and this list is not exhaustive.

I have to say i was pretty pissed off to be called 'kept'. Conjurs up images of someone who spends alot of time in hairdressers, having nails done and has a walk in wardrobe. I haven't had a hair cut in over a year and most of my clothes are second hand/hand me downs.

Annoyed Angry

AIBU?

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 13/02/2012 21:33

YANBU but you should work on letting it wash over you. After all, if it wasn't for the work you did in years gone by, you would not be in the financial position you are to be able to be at home and him part time.

Its just good planning, is all.

TattyDevine · 13/02/2012 21:34

Also, I often find when people say "kept woman" or "lady of leisure" and all those cliches they are often meaning to pay you a compliment, sort of like "alright for some, half your luck eh" type sentiments.

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 13/02/2012 21:35

Pah. She's young, childless, naive. Yes, the comment may have irritated me too and I'd have put her right, as you did. But don't dwell on it, it was a comment made out of ignorance. She'll learn!

CalmaLlamaDown · 13/02/2012 21:39

If this has really annoyed you so much perhaps you are not as happy being a SAHM as you thought?

Yanbu though in disliking that phrase.

my2centsis · 13/02/2012 21:46

FGS I think you are taking her comment way to seriously I would just laugh if someone said to that.

Don't even get me started on the it's because she Is in her 20's and young and nieve coments!!!! Grrr

Busyoldfool · 13/02/2012 21:49

Agree with my2centsis - it was just a remark meant to be taken lightly.

TheNewandImprovedMrsHollywood · 13/02/2012 21:51

YANBU to dislike the phrase. Apart from anything else, it is one of many phrases that seem to suggest that the only contribution of any real value to a family is money. I reckon that if you consider food planning/cooking/ cleaning/ washing/banking/childcare, then actually it's me keeping DH!!!

Nonetheless, I agree it is a comment made out of ignorance and TBH, not really worth getting overly annoyed about.

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 13/02/2012 21:51

Its probably something I'd have said way back then! Blush Disclaimer: I know not all young people are as dumb as I was.

butterflyexperience · 13/02/2012 22:36

Yanbu
Kept woman and Sahm are very very different

Kept woman to me means a woman who gets an allowance to have nails/hair/facial/whatever else fine whilst nanny raises kids and the house keeper fluffs the cushions.

Actually doesn't sound to bad...
Where do I sign up?

MuslinSuit · 13/02/2012 22:38

I'd like to be a kept woman, sounds ace.

thekidsrule · 13/02/2012 22:52

does it really matter that much

id love to be a "kept women" instead of a benefit scrounging single parent of 3

MixedBerries · 13/02/2012 23:45

YANBU. She's making assumptions about the relationship and family finances when, quite simply, she knows nothing about them. I'm a SAHM at the moment but I'm not a "kept woman". I'm not working but I still pay half the mortgage and half the bills- I'm in no way dependent on DP's finances.

I'm not saying that's true of everyone but she just has no way of knowing. Also, I always thought the term applied to a childless woman or one whose kids had flown the nest ie not one actively involved in childcare. It implies a woman who is spending the partner's money on herself.

Mind you, not sure I'd be terribly offended. Mildly annoyed at the presumptions perhaps.

ComposHat · 13/02/2012 23:47

Put it down to her youth and naivety and let it wash over you.

lorcana · 13/02/2012 23:51

You are a kept woman - if you find it offensive perhaps do something about it ? Why not both work part time. 1 in 3 marriages fail so you are taking a big gamble.

waferbar · 13/02/2012 23:55

She sounds daft. Agree with MixedBerries that a kept woman is very different from a sahm, it implies lots of leisure time and not being burdened by children.

But YABU to feel offended by the term, as if being a kept woman is something that you should be ashamed of. I have been joking about becoming one when I DP and I get married though only because I can't find work - I still quite enjoy the free time I have though (but I don't spend any of it getting my nails or hair done!)

Aribura · 14/02/2012 00:29

But you are a kept woman. Yes there are other contributions apart from money, but your husband is not going to be on the street if you fail to do his ironing. Try living without money.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2012 06:48

You are entirely reliant on your husband's goodwill as well as his money for your lifestyle and the phrase 'kept woman' might be offensive, but it's not a million miles from the truth. A lot of women in the past have found that being so reliant puts them in a very vulnerable position, no matter how reasonable a man they thought they were married to.

jan2011 · 14/02/2012 07:00

YRNBU yes she is saying it as she doesn't have a clue being single and with no kids etc but if someone said that to me i would be offended too as there is nothing i would love more than to be able to work but can't due to various reasons and also childrearing...it doesn't mean im kept which implies i do nothing and get to do whatever i want when i want... but yes i think its wise to let it go and try not to let it bother you...its ok for people to think things, come off with comments or even judge, but only each of us knows the exact situation that we are in, what its like for us, why we are here and what we ultimately want.

CailinDana · 14/02/2012 07:08

I used to be a "kept woman" - DH worked while I just arsed about the place, went for lunch etc. I didn't work for about 6 months when we moved to England for various reasons and there's hardly any housework to do with only two adults in the house. It was incredibly boring. I'm now a SAHM which is much more fun.

amillionyears · 14/02/2012 07:31

Tell her you are a "looked after woman"

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 14/02/2012 07:41

Well I think if you're going to use that term for the woman in the relationship, then let's come up with an equally patronising moniker for the bloke, shall we? I suggest 'mummied man' - hmm, think it'll catch on? I might try it.

An equally spiteful and twisty way of describing one half of the 'deal' between a couple when they split the total labour of the family in this way.

SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 07:42

"but you are a kept woman"

What a load of absolute bollocks. Have you not heard of a partnership FFS.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 14/02/2012 07:48

Very offensive, YANBU,

Kept woman implies you make no contribution and completely devalues your work as a SAHM.

Why is earning money the only way to have status/worth?

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/02/2012 07:52

Oh she was being unreasonable but I just tend to laugh at such comments and if anything play along with it 'oh yes I'm just a lady who lunches' etc whilst you know peeling the children off my legs.

People just say silly things sometimes but if you're secure in your decisions then just ignore.

brandysoakedbitch · 14/02/2012 07:55

Chill out, it is just a term

YABVU to actually be offended

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