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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by the term 'kept woman'

123 replies

peelywalypolly · 13/02/2012 21:30

Tonight someone i know asked if i worked. I said i didn't at the moment because I look after my children who are 3, 5 and 7. She then said 'oh so you are a kept woman'.

This then led to a 5 min conversation about how it works in a relationship when you have young kids (this person is in her 20's and single which is probably why we were having the conversation)

My husband works part time. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I'm at home full time and dh is at home part time, meaning we can raise our kids together and still have time for ourselves and each other too. The sacrifice is money.

My contribution in our partnership is the childcare 75% of the time, the cooking, the household chores, the bill paying, the shopping, the diy, the fixing the car and this list is not exhaustive.

I have to say i was pretty pissed off to be called 'kept'. Conjurs up images of someone who spends alot of time in hairdressers, having nails done and has a walk in wardrobe. I haven't had a hair cut in over a year and most of my clothes are second hand/hand me downs.

Annoyed Angry

AIBU?

OP posts:
jellybeans · 14/02/2012 12:09

I would just laugh it off. If you are happy being a SAHM like me then it doesn't matter what people say. That sounds a flippant comment but sometimes people do it out of jealousy (I suspect some on this thread) because putting SAHM down justifies their own choices and also makes them feel better.

jellybeans · 14/02/2012 12:12

Yep years ago 'work' meant anything aiding to family wellbeing in and outside the home, paid or unpaid. I agree also that many SAHM were working mums, I was.I was just doing what society expected of me but deep down it wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to be with DC and not miss sports day etc. It was the best choice for us. However, it isn't for everyone.

ChiefPotterer · 14/02/2012 12:17

I love being a 'kept' woman!-dreading the kids getting too old to justify me being at home-you need to get used to sarky comments pure jealousy imo.

LadyClarissaArseQuack · 14/02/2012 12:18

When I was deeply into the active feminist movement (I still am but now I live it); there was a wages for "housewives" campaign. Olga someone (not Maitland obviously)....
It was an interesting concept.
Now I am old and pickled with gin I can't exactly remember all the points.

lashingsofbingeinghere · 14/02/2012 12:28

I think the 20 - something just made the remark without thinking. It's an easy cliche to reach for - perhaps she thought it was flattering in a sort of "lucky you, not having to work" sort of way.

Depends on the tone of voice etc.

Wouldn't sweat about it tbh.

Aribura · 14/02/2012 12:43

"What a load of absolute bollocks. Have you not heard of a partnership FFS."

Yes but I repeat, you not doing his ironing or cooking dinner will not leave him on the street, especially since most of the working manage to do all those things on top of working just fine. Him not paying for you will mean you're either on the dole in a pokey bedsit or you're on the street. If you get lax in washing the clothes, nobody is going to starve. Try him skipping work and see what happens.

It's a partnership and both sides are valid but I'm sorry, housework is a worthy contribution, but it's not equal.

LadyClarissaArseQuack · 14/02/2012 12:56

Aribura
"It's a partnership and both sides are valid but I'm sorry, housework is a worthy contribution, but it's not equal."
The Op also looks after the children of the relationship.
Now fuck me backwards with a broomstick; but it was the hardest job I've ever done.
And I speak as a professional who has done 16-20 hour days since the beginning of December.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 13:01

Hmm how is looking after children not a valuable contribution to the partnership.

OP stops doing that and her partner will be fucked
he will either have to give up work and do it himself
Pay someone else to do it costing a bomb
Have children removed by SS

Some right wank being talked on this thread.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 13:03

Plus as another person who has worked in "proper" career job with attendant responsibilities and hours, I can say for me as well that looking after children is far, far harder. It's the hardest job I have ever had.

Aribura · 14/02/2012 13:21

There are plenty of working single parents and they all seem to manage to pay for childcare, so let's not exaggerate, shall we.

And I have to say, parenting is not a job, it's a lifestyle. You wouldn't describe your job as "wife" so I'm sorry to say that "mother" does not qualify either.

Aribura · 14/02/2012 13:22

Especially when the children are in school, when they still like to claim they are busier than the working...right...

TheMonster · 14/02/2012 13:23

I don't think it's rude. You work bloody hard for the kids, but financially you are kept.

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/02/2012 13:31

Being a SAHM is not harder than working, unless you have a high special needs child. I would imagine doctors, nurses etc all work far harder than a parent who chooses to stay home.

If the OP started work they would simply pay for childcare and fit everything else in around work like millions of others. One person doesnt need to stay home to enable the other person to work.

I still dont get why its offensive when its true, unless you are personally wealthy yourself and your husband doesnt provide for everything.

TheMonster · 14/02/2012 13:33

Yep, working mothers do the housework too.

jellybeans · 14/02/2012 13:43

'OP stops doing that and her partner will be fucked
he will either have to give up work and do it himself
Pay someone else to do it costing a bomb
Have children removed by SS

Some right wank being talked on this thread.'
Totally agree SardineQueen

Perhaps they have issues..

SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 13:43

"but financially you are kept."

But that is nonsense. A SAHM technically "earns" whatever amount of money they would be shelling out to pay for childcare.

rainbowinthesky · 14/02/2012 13:46

I cannot see how a sahp is a "kept" person. A "kept" person contributes nothing whilst a sahp is looking after children, housework etc and not working outside the home.

MixedBerries · 14/02/2012 13:48

Why do people insist on blanket statements like "being a SAHM is not harder than working"?
Read up the thread and you will see women, who have done both, testifying to the opposite. If you have found that to be the case then great, but why the need to assume it must be the same for everyone?
Some kids are more of a handful than others. Some people have temperaments more suited to finding childcare easier than others. Some find working and commuting easier than others. Your experience, positive or negative, does not negate everyone else's experience. There are those who find it far easier to go out to work and pay for childcare than stay at home looking after the kids.
And need I point out that staying at home is not always a choice? In some circumstances, it's not financially possible to have two working parents. Unless they have a very well paid job to return to, some are worse off financially after factoring the cost of childcare and commuting into the equation.

LadyClarissaArseQuack · 14/02/2012 13:52

The work with bringing up a child is relentless and repetitive. It is also 24/7. Particularly when they are very/young.
It's also stressful. If a child is ill (or you suspect ill); they cannot talk.
Now forgive me; but I found my SAHM experience incredibly stressful.
When I go into a meeting with my first - line managers; and one communicates that they are feeling ill; he/she communicates.
I do not have to guess/feel out of control and stick a thermometer up their bum. I do not have to strip them off; stick them in and out of a tepid bath and worry all night about febrile convulsions.
"Simply pay for Childcare" HappyMummyofOne. You chose not to stay home. So the OP must be worth at least what you're paying for childcare. And You're not a SAHM; so how exactly would you know?

jellybeans · 14/02/2012 13:54

' A SAHM technically "earns" whatever amount of money they would be shelling out to pay for childcare.'
I agree plus sometimes saving the need for second car, work expenses etc.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 13:54

Right so if I stopped doing my job right now and decided to go out, maybe go away for a few days, leaving my 4yo and 2 yo here by themselves, then that would not be a problem at all.

I have never had a job where I was on call 24/7 which you are with children, some people find it easy, some people find it very hard. Neither is "right" or "wrong" - different people have different personalities and deal with different situations in different ways.

The idea that looking after small children is the same as doing nothing and that if someone simply stops doing it there will be no consequences is imbecilic frankly.

diddl · 14/02/2012 13:57

"I agree plus sometimes saving the need for second car, work expenses etc."

Yes-sometimes the expense of working can be prohibitive.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 13:57

I must admit I also thought that a "kept woman" was a mistress.

jellybeans · 14/02/2012 13:58

I think some people obviously just enjoy attacking SAHM. When I was f/t WOHM, I didn't give a poop what other mums were doing. But some WOHM (I think a minority as most of the ones I know are not bitter towards us SAHM) seem to resent some mums choosing to SAH, probably as they are deep down unsure of their own choices.

jellybeans · 14/02/2012 14:00

'Yes-sometimes the expense of working can be prohibitive.'

Not to mention the peace of mind that one of you can be there is a child is ill, be there at school events etc. All that was a nightmare when I was WOH.

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