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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by the term 'kept woman'

123 replies

peelywalypolly · 13/02/2012 21:30

Tonight someone i know asked if i worked. I said i didn't at the moment because I look after my children who are 3, 5 and 7. She then said 'oh so you are a kept woman'.

This then led to a 5 min conversation about how it works in a relationship when you have young kids (this person is in her 20's and single which is probably why we were having the conversation)

My husband works part time. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I'm at home full time and dh is at home part time, meaning we can raise our kids together and still have time for ourselves and each other too. The sacrifice is money.

My contribution in our partnership is the childcare 75% of the time, the cooking, the household chores, the bill paying, the shopping, the diy, the fixing the car and this list is not exhaustive.

I have to say i was pretty pissed off to be called 'kept'. Conjurs up images of someone who spends alot of time in hairdressers, having nails done and has a walk in wardrobe. I haven't had a hair cut in over a year and most of my clothes are second hand/hand me downs.

Annoyed Angry

AIBU?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 14:03

My GP (male) said to me "Being a mother is relentless. Even on my busiest days I get a break in between patients and get to go home and relax i the evenings."

From that point of view parenting is harder than a job you get to leave behind - certainly harder than the one I left behind. Working and juggling family life is another sort of hard. You can't say that one is harder than the other or that one is more worthy or a better role model.

Secrecy · 14/02/2012 14:07

It's sad to see people attacking other people's choices on here, putting them down and being downright rude. It's very hard not to fight fire with fire and get drawn into the attack.

Why can't we just accept people doing things differently and putting different values on things?!

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 14:09

You click the button at the botto, secrecy Smile

There will be another one along in 5 mins though!

libelulle · 14/02/2012 14:10

"Him not paying for you will mean you're either on the dole in a pokey bedsit or you're on the street."

Er, what are you on about? I was a professional before I had kids. I've had a couple of years 'off'. If my husband leaves or dies, I'd obviously have to get a full time job. I'd like to think that with three degrees and various professional qualifications (no, they didn't evaporate with childbirth), that is a reasonably likely possibility even in a recession.

TheMonster · 14/02/2012 14:11

Well said, Secrecy. I still wouldn't get my knickers in a twist over being called a houseperson though.

suburbandream · 14/02/2012 14:17

I'm a SAHM. If someone asks me if I work, my reply is simple: "Yes, 24/7 with no pay and no time off for good behaviour" Wink It usually stops any annoying remarks!

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 14:20

libelulle I thought that was a strange comment as well.

Quite apart from the fact that OP is married and if there was a spit there would be a divorce settlement and maintenance, if he died there would likely be some kind of payout.

It's not like we're in 1800 and are our husband's chattels, with no legal ability to earn money, own property etc

Hmm
SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 14:27

"I still wouldn't get my knickers in a twist over being called a houseperson though."

This is about the phrase "kept woman"

LadyClarissaArseQuack · 14/02/2012 14:27

It never ceases to amaze or sadden me how Women knock other Women for their own individual choices.

TheMonster · 14/02/2012 14:49

I wouldn't get my knickers in a twist over being called a kept woman.

mum80 · 14/02/2012 15:11

OP kept woman is not an appropriate phrase to use. However, I am sure no harm was meant by it.
Unlike some of the SAHP bashing that has followed on this thread. That's makes me more angry. I wouldn't dream of criticising someone for going back to work. That's fine, it's what works for you. So why do people always feel the need to search out any SAHP and have a go?
Disclaimer, I guess others may do same for working parents.

Bellstar · 14/02/2012 15:21

Aah I see we have moved on from benefit bashing threads to bash sahm ones insteadHmm

There are a lot of nasty,jealous women on this thread. Perhaps that they are not that secure in their own choice that they feel the need to criticise someone elses?

lisaro · 14/02/2012 15:21

I've always thought a 'kept woman' was a mistress kept by a man, certainly not his SAH wife! Houseperson/wife don't bother me, but I'm neither but can't see it getting to me if I was. Two terms I took exception to were partner instead of husband when I had a husband, but again, each to his own, but the term - usually used by women - full time mum reaslly winds me up. It infers if you work then you're not a full time mother. Do your kids disappear?

SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 16:09

"full time mum reaslly winds me up. It infers if you work then you're not a full time mother."

Presumably those WOHMs who think "kept woman" is fine are also fine with being called a part time mother though.

Whatmeworry · 14/02/2012 16:12

"Kept Woman" in my day meant the mistress on the side. Still does actually so I believe.

"Mistress of the household" has a new meaning, clearly.....

lisaro · 14/02/2012 16:31

Presumably those WOHMs who think "kept woman" is fine are also fine with being called a part time mother though.
Surely that comment is just as bad as the 'kept woman' comment.

SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 16:43

That is precisely my point, Lisaro.

lisaro · 14/02/2012 16:48

Ah get you now, soupdragon. Smile I think it's a sad state of affairs when women feel the need to call other women for a choice they make about working or not (or indeed for not having a choice). There really is no 'wrong' way - wohm and sahm both have positives and negatives.

SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 16:54

It is indeed sad.

I couldn't give a stuff what others choose to do. :)

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/02/2012 17:19

"HappyMummyofOne. You chose not to stay home. So the OP must be worth at least what you're paying for childcare. And You're not a SAHM; so how exactly would you know?"

LadyClarissa, I'm home 4 days and pay £25 a week childcare. Therefore I can quite easily compare work to looking after my own child. There are no deadlines at home unless you count school times, no pressures to do certain tasks, no calls etc - just the pleasure of being home with DS and doing a few jobs around the home. Bills, booking appointments etc takes 20mins max a week so not sure why people say it saves the other person loads of time etc.

lorcana · 14/02/2012 17:28

Soupdragon - why do you insist on trotting out anecdote about how being SAHM is much more onerous than working with all that twaddle about breaks !!!? You get loads of breaks at home - when the kid is asleep ? When thet're at nursery/school ? Or basically whenever you decide to put the kettle on and sit down for 5mins 20mins 2hours - NOT a luxury most workers have.

SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 17:29

Yay! Its Lorcana back to thrill and enthral us with her "wisdom".

wordfactory · 14/02/2012 17:30

If women want to SAH and enjoy it and are pretty certain it won't impact upon their long term future, then they should go for it.

But all this stuff about it being the hardest thing etc...come on, millions and millions of women around the world have DC and work. They have to becuae it's the only way their DC get to eat.

We live in one of the richest, most developed countries in the world. We ahve it pretty bloody easy.

MrsJasonBourne · 14/02/2012 17:44

I am a SAHM. My duties include

Childcare
School runs
Housework
Cooking
Cleaning
Laundry
Dog walking
All household administration
Etc etc

Anyone calling me a kept woman better be bloody quick on their feet or they will get my boot up their arse.

mum80 · 14/02/2012 17:45

So do you not get a hour for lunch lorcana?