Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be offended by the term 'kept woman'

123 replies

peelywalypolly · 13/02/2012 21:30

Tonight someone i know asked if i worked. I said i didn't at the moment because I look after my children who are 3, 5 and 7. She then said 'oh so you are a kept woman'.

This then led to a 5 min conversation about how it works in a relationship when you have young kids (this person is in her 20's and single which is probably why we were having the conversation)

My husband works part time. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I'm at home full time and dh is at home part time, meaning we can raise our kids together and still have time for ourselves and each other too. The sacrifice is money.

My contribution in our partnership is the childcare 75% of the time, the cooking, the household chores, the bill paying, the shopping, the diy, the fixing the car and this list is not exhaustive.

I have to say i was pretty pissed off to be called 'kept'. Conjurs up images of someone who spends alot of time in hairdressers, having nails done and has a walk in wardrobe. I haven't had a hair cut in over a year and most of my clothes are second hand/hand me downs.

Annoyed

AIBU?

OP posts:

lorcana · 14/02/2012 17:51

MrsJason.... I do all the above AND work fulltime - usual hours of work 7.30 - 6.30/7 pm with an hour commute each side ... Yep. Just that.

MixedBerries · 14/02/2012 17:51

But wordfactory, surely that only works if the woman has free, or at least very low cost, childcare. We have a strange situation in the UK where the cost of childcare quite often makes it financially unviable to go to work.

dearjane · 14/02/2012 17:56

I'm a SAHM of two pre schoolers and have been referred to by a 'friend' as a lady who lunches. Equally, she ponders aloud about why women have children "just to put them in nursery and have someone else raise them".

The moral of the story? Some people are judgy wankers

I was most amused when the 50 year old batchelor at DH's christmas do asked me if I do much baking with all the free time I have. Y'know, because looking after a three year old and a one year old who don't nap means I'm bored shitless most of the time.

MixedBerries · 14/02/2012 17:59

Also, if looking after kids isn't a job, what is it that nannies, childminders and au pairs do exactly?

dearjane · 14/02/2012 17:59

Loracana that's a good point and I agree with what you're saying there. I have my two around most of the time (though eldest is in pre school 5 mornings a week term time) but if I am careful and plan my household chores etc then I don't do anything at evenings or weekend. Fridays are always a quiet afternoon in my house while I sort the house for the weekend to make sure nothing needs doing over the weekend.

If you are working full time and running a house you MUST be doing more than a SAHM like me (respect to you, btw).

SarahLundsredJumper · 14/02/2012 17:59

I would just ignore and consign the term to the vault containing the classics "Fancy woman" "living in sin" and "Bastards" usually these terms involved hoiking of bosoms as well

Tmesis · 14/02/2012 18:00

lorcana, you do schoolruns at 6.30 am and 8pm? My word. Which school is that? And how many times a day do you walk your dog between 8pm and 6.30am? Most breeds need at least two long walks a day. And, without wishing to be picky, aren't your children asleep for most of the time that you are doing "childcare"?

Birdsgottafly · 14/02/2012 18:23

OP- Personally i would have challenged her and got her to explain what she ment by "kept woman".

When you become a family it is up to you and your DP to decide what works.
One size doesn't fit all when it comes to families.

You don't have to defend your choices but if someone makes a twatty comment they should have to defend themselves against your reaction. You wouldn't allow someone to insult you over anything else. So why over a decision that you have made in the best interests of your family.

libelulle · 14/02/2012 18:53

and lorcana, do your children also not eat between 6.30am and 8pm?

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 19:19

In my experience

Work
1.5 hour commute each way. Always got a seat for 2 hours of it. So 2 hours a day to sit, by myself, not having to talk to anyone or do anything. I used the time to read my OU study materials, the paper, a book, or just sit quietly
Work involves spreadsheets, maths, formulae, phoning people, meetings, decision making, writing reports, presenting reports, getting stuff done. Very enjoyable.
Toilet. Any time I want and all by myself
Work colleagues = adult relationships, lunches out, having a laugh
etc sure there is more

Looking after children
1 x 2 yo 1 x 4yo
No time during which to do anything involving concentration or in-depth understanding. MN is where I am because I can nip in and out and the posts are short. OU studies becoming very difficult to fit in
Backwards and forwards mopping, cleaning, tidying, changing clothes, changing nappies, picking up, putting down, feeding, dealing with demands far more unreasonable than those I have ever encountered in my work life from far more intractible people
Food. Hmmmm.
What is all this talk of having a rest while they sleep? Hmmm? Mine both dropped their naps when they turned 1
Dealing with a non-verbal toddler. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Horses for courses innit. I am good at working outside the home, I like it. I get on with my colleagues and I enjoy producing work and I am clever and I get well rewarded. Home with children is, for me, very hard and very unsatisfying and a real slog. I keep my eye on the long-term goal and my hand in and my skills up and studying but still. It is hard. For me.

i always think people who make blanket statements about one thing being categorically easier than another have not met a very wide range of people in their life. Or lack empathy. Or something. i don't find it hard to understand why some of my friends love being at home with their kids and find it rewarding. I can see past my own experiences. It's something that most human beings are able to do.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 19:23

For example, I would rather get to grips with some new analysis software in a nice comfortable office, and then go out for a spot of lunch at a nice pub, than spend my morning picking turds off the floor and trying to persuade someone who can't talk that wearing a nappy really is a genuinely good idea if only she would come round to seeing things my way.

libelulle · 14/02/2012 19:29

I used to have delicious free lunches at work. I'd get to discuss tricky research issues with colleagues, and no-one ever tried to feed me a half-eaten green bean or wipe mashed potato on my trousers. Not once. And when I taught undergraduates, they actually listened to what i said, and offered thoughtful comments in return. Not one of them rolled on the floor screaming and shouting 'I WANT TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF. STOP HELPING ME.'

libelulle · 14/02/2012 19:34

Lorcana, another thought. If you find your job so hard, whereas looking after babies and preschoolers is more or less a holiday, perhaps you should retrain as a nursery nurse? It's amazing, I've heard they actually pay you- though not very much, as it's not really work as such, is it.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 19:40

libelulle

Me too. Most of the places I have worked have been really quite good for lunch options. The last place I worked had literally scores of different possibilities all within a 5 minute walk. I used to love my lunches, really look forward to them. Now it's just not the same.

kerala · 14/02/2012 19:44

YABU to let the throwaway comments of a 20 something upset you so much.

MeSugar · 14/02/2012 19:47

In my experience people who criticise the choices and lives of others are generally doing so to highlight to themselves or others that the choices they have made are the right ones.

If you have thought about the choices you make and made them with good intentions and in an informed a way as possible and in the belief that for your family they are the right choices, then you should be confident in sticking by them. You don't need to put other people down in order to keep yourself elevated. This applies to those who have given up work to look after children, and those who keep working and have someone else to look after their children.

This SAHM/WOHM debate is a VERY OLD one and the point scoring is frankly tedious at this stage. Everyone: make your decisions and stop rummaging round in other people's lives trying to get them to live the way you do.

I cannot think of anyone I know who would think the term "kept woman" either neutral or positive. There's no doubt it's derogatory, even if used in a faux-jokey fashion. So in answer to the OP, YANBU - it's offensive.

lorcana · 14/02/2012 19:53

Libelulle - I don't do school run granted ( except when am on leave ) but DO walk dogs - only one walk a day here I'm afraid. Don't make meals during week for kids - tho' take my turn at supper for DP and I !! Also still breastfeeding -does that count ?? Sorry but I just am busier than a SAHM. I work for money and because I think adults who can should !

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 14/02/2012 20:08

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 20:19

Why do people dream of retirement and early retirement then?
Why do they go on sabatticals?

Lorcana I am a bit concerned about your work/life balance. Out of the house between 6.30 and 8 every day is a long old day. You mention that you are BF so I imagine that is night feeds - certainly my babies slept 7-7 from 6 months so I guess you are only seeing them for night feeds. That is great if you really enjoy it but your comments on this thread about how much harder it is make me feel that you may be under a certain amount of stress. It is not illegal to admit that you have too much on and that something has to give. Some women really enjoy being out at work and away from children - like I do - because I find work easier. If you really find work that much harder than being at home it may be time to reassess your work life balance.

Good luck

lorcana · 14/02/2012 20:27

Sardine - I had my children relatively late ( and then rather rapidly ! ) So had spent 20 yrs or so building my career - which I really love - I have invested a lot in my work and would never let that go. I think it works well for me And I do love being a FULLTIME parent and a worker too. It IS hard work but DP and I share all domestic and childcare responsabilities equally. I breastfeed evening and morning my 2 DDs - the younger also has a nightfeed still. Ocassionally my eldest DS has a bedtime feed too but his younger brothers are weaned. It is manageable but v busy.

SardineQueen · 14/02/2012 20:43

That's great then that it works well for you.

Other people's arrangements work well for them.

You have 5 children? And are BF 3 of them and are out of the house for all those hours. That is busy, I wouldn't fancy it. Horses for courses though, I am glad that you are enjoying life

libelulle · 14/02/2012 20:44

if you love it so much, then why get your kicks from being rude about people who do things differently? And why does it matter if you are busier than a SAHM? (what, all of them? even those with dependent elderly parents and special needs kids?) Why make yourself happy by thinking that your life is superior to that of others? You need to reassess your scale of values if your sense of worth comes from comparing yourself to others and finding them wanting.

And no, you are not a full-time parent, not in the sense that you are fully responsible for the physical and emotional care of your children at all times. Just like I wasn't when I was a WOHM. I outsourced my childcare to others during the day - that is what working involves, you can't have it both ways.

dearjane · 14/02/2012 21:23

Lorcana - I just wanted to say, also, in case it wasn't obvious, that I find being a SAHM easier than being a working mother, so we don't ALL spout the 'hardest job in the world thing'.

I am also lucky enough to be independently wealthy, so not too bothered about the one in three marriages thing

I'll go back to work though, when I feel my DD's and I are ready.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5