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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by the term 'kept woman'

123 replies

peelywalypolly · 13/02/2012 21:30

Tonight someone i know asked if i worked. I said i didn't at the moment because I look after my children who are 3, 5 and 7. She then said 'oh so you are a kept woman'.

This then led to a 5 min conversation about how it works in a relationship when you have young kids (this person is in her 20's and single which is probably why we were having the conversation)

My husband works part time. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I'm at home full time and dh is at home part time, meaning we can raise our kids together and still have time for ourselves and each other too. The sacrifice is money.

My contribution in our partnership is the childcare 75% of the time, the cooking, the household chores, the bill paying, the shopping, the diy, the fixing the car and this list is not exhaustive.

I have to say i was pretty pissed off to be called 'kept'. Conjurs up images of someone who spends alot of time in hairdressers, having nails done and has a walk in wardrobe. I haven't had a hair cut in over a year and most of my clothes are second hand/hand me downs.

Annoyed Angry

AIBU?

OP posts:
tinkertitonk · 14/02/2012 07:56

Ooh "kept woman" is sinful and sexy, it implies "kept available for shagging purposes".

troisgarcons · 14/02/2012 07:57

"Kept woman" historically is an euphamism for a mistress.

diddl · 14/02/2012 08:02

The one time I was called a kept woman the partner of the chap then said to him rather pointedly "yes, isn´t she lucky to stay at home with her baby whilst some of us can´t afford for that"

Ouch!

Adversecamber · 14/02/2012 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 14/02/2012 08:28

Yes I think so also Adverse.

The reason that my husband "kept" me was because I was at home looking after our children.

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/02/2012 09:10

YABU, you dont earn so therefore another adult is keeping you and providing everything you need.

lorcana · 14/02/2012 09:16

Perhaps you need to think about why you felt so offended ? And as I said previously it is a high risk strategy - and the longer you are kept the riskier it becomes as you become deskilled /lose confidence etc.
Do something about it. Retrain or train if you've never done that or go back to work pronro. You will be a better role model for children too who will learn every able adult can keep themselves.

scummymummy · 14/02/2012 09:23

l do agree it's not a very flattering term! Perhaps she was using it in a tongue in cheek way? Or maybe she's just a bit ignorant about different ways of dividing family labour once children come along. Or I suppose it's just possible that she was worried that you'd been forced into a downtrodden position that you wouldn't have chosen by the patriarchal hegemony! Whatever her reasoning, if you are happy with the way things are I think you need to be confident in the choices you've made and ignore her.

Helenfellows32 · 14/02/2012 09:33

YANBU i would be offended too. my old boss was like her and couldnt see the value of being a sahm. its why i didnt go back part time either, she point blank refused it.

its not a leisure activity its bloody hard and i would point it out to her.

bugster · 14/02/2012 09:34

YANBU. To me the term is very offensive, implying you are the mistress of a rich man in an illicit relationship, not the mother of his children.

OrmIrian · 14/02/2012 09:35

I would assume it was a joke TBH. It's such an old-fashioned term - I used to use it about myself when I was made redundant and DH was still working. I didn't really think I was being 'kept'.

Jamillalliamilli · 14/02/2012 09:42

I thought a kept woman was either a mistress, or a wife without children who didn't do paid work.

She's young and unaware that it stung, I understand why it narked you, but I'd let it go.

AnnoyingOrange · 14/02/2012 09:47

When I was a SAHM I used to describe myself as a lady of leisure or a kept woman. Especially after the kids started school.

toffeetip · 14/02/2012 09:51

I think YABU to be annoyed - it sounds like such a flippant thing to say. You sound very defensive about your domestic circumstances. If you and your dh are happy - why does this woman matter to you.

SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 10:25

Oh look, Lorcana is here trotting out her judgemental twattery.

clicarhel · 14/02/2012 10:40

'Kept woman' is not usually used to describe woman who stay at home to look after small children. 'Housewife' is the more usual term.
'Kept woman' usually refers to women without children who do not work and, to be honest, this usually only ever refers to unmarried women. Nobody ever really refers to married women who don't work but have no children as 'kept women'.

'Kept woman' is an old-fashioned term so sorry if this offends the unmarried but old-fashioned terms have old-fashioned values attached to them.

lorcana · 14/02/2012 10:52

I have not judged anyone soupdragon ... I feel strongly that working is better for womwen - the alternative is a high risk strategy as 1 in 3 marriages fail - if yoiu SAHM you will be high and dry. Plus it tends to lead to low self esteem and is poor role modelling for girls in particular. SAHMs peddle myth about it all being harder than working and a very valued role and thay are 'earning' the family income - but just isn't true. It's allowed to say these things you know.

SoupDragon · 14/02/2012 10:56

Yes, you have judged those who stay home to look after their families as an inferior role model. Which is judgemental twattery. People make the best choice for their family. You made yours which happens to be different to others. That doesn't make you right and nor does it give you the right to lecture, which you pop up and do with alarming regularity.

SarahStratton · 14/02/2012 10:59

"Kept woman" historically is an euphamism for a mistress."

That's what I thought, trois. You're not a kept woman, OP.

MixedBerries · 14/02/2012 11:29

lorcana, whilst you may be very happy with your choices, why make the assumption that it's the same for everyone? I'm currently finding being a SAHM far harder than when I was working and I've done some pretty challenging jobs. I grant that it's not everyone's experience- surely it depends on temperament and aptitude- but that does not make it a myth purely because your experience has been different.

And since when has being a SAHM been poor role modelling? It could be argued that a harrassed, exhausted, working mother is an equally poor role model. I'm not saying for a moment that that is the case for ALL working mothers- all credit is due as it's very difficult- but there are just as many poor role models in the world of working mums surely. Their employment status is a very small component of role modelling.

Furthermore, being a SAHM doesn't equate with being left high and dry should the relationship break down. Plenty of SAHM mothers end up with a nice house, everything in it, custody of kids and payments from the father in such a situation. Again, not ALL but a significant number. It is also possible to remain skilled through voluntary roles, evening courses, developing transferable skills and so on whilst looking after children in the home.

lorcana · 14/02/2012 11:38

There is a thread at the moment about a graduate who chose SAHM and her DH has leeft her high and dry .... She is so demotivated/deskilled that she doesn't even want to have a 'demanding ' job.

MixedBerries · 14/02/2012 11:45

That's ONE person. I didn't say it applied to everyone. I said that just because it's not your experience, that doesn't make something a myth.

HardCheese · 14/02/2012 11:53

OP, point out that her comprehension skills are deficient, as 'kept woman' means 'mistress' with the implication of shady bit on the side, filmy negligees, theatrical sex etc. No cleaning up after toddlers or buying nappies.

You might also ask her what she imagines might be the cost of a household employing a fulltime, live-in housekeeper/nanny who does all the cooking, household finances, DIY, shopping, childcare for three small children. Because that is what your financial contribution to the household is, and it's huge.

I feel sure she was being dim-witted rather than malicious from what you say, but it can be helpful to think of that kind of conversational exchange in terms of education. YANBU.

LadyClarissaArseQuack · 14/02/2012 12:05

How rude. "Kept Woman" in my day meant the mistress on the side. Still does actually so I believe.
It was the arrogance and ignorance of youth. It's not her fault she's stupid; it's genetics.

libelulle · 14/02/2012 12:09

lorcana, you seem to forget that most SAHM used to work. We're quite well qualified to judge whether working or staying at home looking after small children is more difficult. The latter wins hands down, and I had a good professional job (which I only gave up when DD1 was 2.5), so i did the working with kids thing too.

One of the reasons it is more difficult, quite apart from anything else, is attitudes like yours - it's no wonder that SAH motherhood leads to low self-esteem with lovely folk like you telling us we're 'kept women'.

In my mind, I know that my choice is the best for my children (one of whom has additional needs) and our family right now, but holding on to that fact in the face of people repeatedly saying you are doing something worthless and demeaning (bad role model to my children?!?! give me a break) is what is so soul-sucking. Society has zero respect for caring work of any description, and that is a deeply depressing and anti-feminist notion.