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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

that I'm upset friend who miscarried has deleted me from facebook now I'm pregnant?

117 replies

Medi1982 · 11/02/2012 13:17

My friend had a miscarriage recently and I organised our friends' to visit and we brought gifts to try and cheer her up. I then unexpectedly found out I was expecting a baby. We've been at some events together where understandably my pregnancy has been like the elephant in the room with it mentioned by friends in whispers when she's not in the room or not at all but she has recently deleted me as a friend on FB. I can understand to an extent but what's upsetting is that she's quite happy to comment on friend's pictures of their babies and children. But the whole time it makes me feel guilty!!

OP posts:

MollyBroom · 11/02/2012 13:18

She is clearly in an emotionally dark place, not that hard to understand IMO.

tethersend · 11/02/2012 13:19

Perhaps she cannot cope with potential pregnancy updates.

I think she is probably having a worse time over this than you are, so I'd just leave it TBH.

Congratulations BTW.

KalSkirata · 11/02/2012 13:20

dont feel guilty as its nothing to do with you but her own feelings. Years back (before the internet) A friend and I got pregnant with our second kids ate the same time. She miscarried at 8 weeks. After that she cut me off completely (we'd been very close) as she couldnt deal with me being pregnant and her loss.
It took 2 years and a successful pregnancy before she would talk to me again but we were never close friends again.
Its not your fault. You could email and say you are there for her and leave the ball in her court.

imoanruby · 11/02/2012 13:21

You have no need to feel guilty..if that's why she has deleted you.

I was pregnant last year at the same as two very good friends, i told them both straight away and we were all delighted. I then went on to have a miscarriage after some weeks which was awful. My friends both had healthy babies this month and i couldn't be more pleased for them and holding their little ones give me hope that i might have another dc in the future.

Do not feel bad during this wonderful time in your life.

entropygirl · 11/02/2012 13:25

YANBU to be upset at being deleted and she is NBU to be upset enough to delete you. It is a truly horrible experience having an MC and it can be very hard to get through. It doesnt make what she has done right and you are reacting perfectly normally to it. Hopefully your friend will get through the worst of the physical/hormonal/emotional chaos and apologise to you and you can be FB friends again.

Original poster

Medi1982 · 11/02/2012 13:26

It's got to the point where I'm dreaming about it!

Thank you! I can completely understand why she's hurt, of course I can. It's just hard to think that my friends' children are accepted but my future one isn't :S

And if anything I've not posted a single status or scan pic to try not to seem callous or heartless. It happened after word of mouth got around and people congratulated me. I really hope things do work out for her because I know if (god forbid) anything went wrong with our baby I'd want my friends' support.

OP posts:

W0rmy · 11/02/2012 13:29

Don't be upset with her - she will be going through a terrible time, don't stew about it, and don't feel bad.

Just leave the channels of communication open on your part.

hocuspontas · 11/02/2012 13:33

She hasn't snubbed you in the street or ignored your phonecalls, she is still a friend, give her a break.

tribpot · 11/02/2012 13:34

I think children and pregnancy are different things for her right now. And she may have deleted you (perhaps not realising she could just hide you) in case you do post any updates - so probably a self-defence mechanism rather than an attempt to hurt you.

I think you just need to make sure you keep the lines of communication open with her - you could even say, look I see you've deleted me on FB, I completely understand and please just send me a request when/if you feel ready. Otherwise she'll have to send it to you and then potentially invent a reason why, if you see what I mean.

Grumpla · 11/02/2012 13:35

To be honest, I think you need to be sensitive to the fact that she's going through something really difficult and sad. Be a good friend and understand that she needs to do what she needs to do to get through it. If that means protecting herself from hearing about your pregnancy etc then try not to take it too personally - you may feel hurt but she is grieving.

CaptainKirk · 11/02/2012 13:46

When we were struggling through three cycles of IVF we blocked posts from a few people and unfriended a few simply because we couldn't cope with seeing people happily pregnant. It was a real hard time for us.

AndLibbyMakesThree · 11/02/2012 13:55

I can totally understand you being upset by this - but I can also understand why your friend has done it.

Two years ago I had a miscarriage and it was devastating. From time to time I would log onto Facebook, and (although I know I shouldn't have felt like this) it was so painful to see friends announcing pregnancies, posting scan pictures, etc. After a couple of months I left Facebook (and have never returned) as it was making a horrible time even worse.

I agree with tribpot that deleting you is probably a self-defence mechanism.

FreudianSlipper · 11/02/2012 14:00

she has deleted you not to hurt you but because she is hurting

giver her time and a little space, maybe in a few weeks send her a card saying you miss her

you have something to look forward to for her she does not at this point in time (lets hope she does soon)

and congratulations

crystalglasses · 11/02/2012 14:03

I agree with the other posters as I've also had several misacarriages and it was very hard seeing my friend go on to have successful preganancies. however I would have been very hurt if any of my friends had become preganant and not told me about it so maybe this has made it doubly difficult for your friend.
I would pick up the phone (or email if it's easier) and just tell her that you're pregnant but hadn't told her because you were so worried about how to tell her given that she'd just lost her baby (important that you refer to the miscarriage as a'baby' imo - because it was a baby to her).

Panda1234 · 11/02/2012 14:07

I deleted someone off my FB when I was going through IVF and miscarriages, because she'd been really insensitive online. I found it upsetting and it made me very quick to block other people when they announced their pregnancies. It's possible that someone else has put up something that made her feel awful and she's reacted by cutting off everyone that has the potential to make her feel worse about not being pg - not saying that that's right, but that you shouldn't take it personally.

Tethersend's right - she'll be more upset than you are, and it's a self-defence thing. You can be friends IRL without being on Facebook together, and I'm sure she is happy for you, she just needs some space right now. E-mailing her to to add you back when she feels better is a good idea.

And I also suspect it's a real effort for her to comment on other people's baby pics, and in her mind coping with pregnancy statuses is a bridge too far at the moment?

It might also be that she doesn't want you to feel guilty about posting stuff and that's a factor in deleting you? I was really distant with pg friends partly because it hurt me to see other people's pregnancies, but I also thought they would feel awkward around me too.

Don't feel bad, just enjoy your pregnancy but cut her some slack, and it will come right in the end.

BikeRunSki · 11/02/2012 14:08

Your friend is protecting herself, but I understand why you are hurt. A friend of mine's baby was born very early, then died a few weeks later around the time i found out i was expecting DC2
This was the second baby she'd lost, and were both also have DCs the same age. She also deleted me from FB, and became very distant. I have seen her a handful of times since DD was born. Most recently I walked into a kid's activity where she already was. She just looked at me, turned away and burst into tears. I feel awful that is have this effectue on her, but i know it is my situation that upsets her, not me personally.

Panda1234 · 11/02/2012 14:11

I missed the bit where you said you hadn't told her about your pregnancy - understandable, but I think that's probably made things worse. Definitely get in touch and explain why.

Velvetcu · 11/02/2012 14:12

After my mc I too hid all pregnant friends and in fact, even though I now have a 16 week old dd, I still feel sad about my loss when friends announce pregnancies even though I'm happy for them.

As someone else posted, babies and pregnancy are two different things. She will be able to cope somewhat with other peoples' babies because she didn't get that far and is mourning the loss of her pregnancy and her future baby, which is also how you describe your little one.

Give her time. Let her know that you are there for her. A close friend of mine was due a week after the one I lost and I couldn't see her throughout her pregnancy and until a few weeks after she had given birth.

Bobyan · 11/02/2012 14:13

I think Crystalglasses has summed it up, assuming you didn't tell her directly finding out your news through a third party is probably perceived as a snub by her. If this is the case you should call her an appologise for not telling her yourself. The poor woman probably thinks you and your friends are excluding her because she's had a miscarriage, rather than thinking you were trying to spare her feelings.

OriginalJamie · 11/02/2012 14:15

This is what I don't get about fb. It just leaves the way open for. All sorts of communications that should be happening face to face

Original poster

Medi1982 · 11/02/2012 14:17

I text her when I told friends so she didn't have to deal with it face to face.

OP posts:

Bobyan · 11/02/2012 14:23

From what you said she'd probably already found out if you had told your friends face to face. I still think you should call her, your treating her as if she's done something wrong (eg. Avoiding speaking to her and then waiting until she leaves the room before mentioning your pregnancy). How would you like her to treat you if the roles were reversed?

katiecoocoo · 11/02/2012 14:24

It makes it less obvious as to why your friend seems to have deleted you while still commenting on other fbookers babies etc..it seems a bit odd because of that so I'm thinking is it possible shes deleted you by accident somehow and doesn't even realise it? just a thought..maybe worth asking without being confrontational of course, at some point in the future when her pain is not so raw perhaps? just let her know that you're there for her and leave it with her..congrats on your own news though and best of luck.

Original poster

Medi1982 · 11/02/2012 14:27

Nope Bobyan I text the same day I told friends. These are acquaintances who are congratulating me. I'll be honest, wish I'd not asked as some comments are really supportive but other have just made me feel like I'm being insensitive. Other friends who have had horrorific times with their pregnancies/children haven't batted an eyelid and made more effort for us to catch up so I just need to concentrate on those relationsips I think.

OP posts:

runningwilde · 11/02/2012 14:32

Op I am surprised at how many people
Think it is acceptable for her to delete you off FB! Yanbu at all to be upset as she is totally out of order. She could have just blocked your status updates if she was upset but to delete you is petty and not nice of her at all regardless of what she has been through. She is totally wrong. Do you still see her etc?

You have done nothing wrong and she is out of order - remember that.

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