that I'm upset friend who miscarried has deleted me from facebook now I'm pregnant?

[Medi1982]

My friend had a miscarriage recently and I organised our friends' to visit and we brought gifts to try and cheer her up. I then unexpectedly found out I was expecting a baby. We've been at some events together where understandably my pregnancy has been like the elephant in the room with it mentioned by friends in whispers when she's not in the room or not at all but she has recently deleted me as a friend on FB. I can understand to an extent but what's upsetting is that she's quite happy to comment on friend's pictures of their babies and children. But the whole time it makes me feel guilty!!

I'm sorry if you don't like my response, but this is a public forum and you asked a question. If you can't accept you could possibly handled this better than you have, your probably are being insensitive and I feel for your friend.

Bobyan didn't say I didn't like your repsonse I was pointing out that the facts of your response were wrong. You're entitled to your opinion but I'm pointing out that you were basing them on something that was misunderstood.

My friend is young has other kids and so hopefully she'll be able to have more.

Thanks runningwilde. Maybe it's to do with something else I don't know. We were very close and spent loads of time together before so it is sad. I haven't seen her for ages whereas we used to see other at least once a week.

I am going to go against the grain. I think some quite shoddy behaviour is often excused in these situations. I mean no one is going to avoid other people with say, mothers, if theirs has passed away. Because you cant.

I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 ectopic, 2DCs and was treated for depression as a result of the losses. But never did I feel resentful towards friends and family who were pg. I just as sad for me, but made up for them.

I think women who have had losses, should be a bit better at dealing with others pregnancies. It's a fact of life, you can't stay indoors and avoid everyone that ever had a child, it simply isn't possible.

Of course the pg person should be sensitive and considerate, but they should also NOT NOT NOT have to avoid being excited about scans and baby stuff for fear of causing offence-it's a special time.

I am quite angry at my very best friend who cannot face seeing me because I have children. I thought our friendship was more than that. Because if I truly cared about someone, I would want to share in their happiness-not resent it. I think a lot of women no matter how badly they are hurting should not go around being hurtful to other women they are jealous of, because of something that was in no way their friend's fault.

Regardless of what you think, please, please don't ever use the "it's okay you've got already children and you can always have more" stance if you speak to her again.

bringme, just because it effected you one way doesn't mean others' responses aren't valid.

I have deleted two friends because they were pregnant with twins. It is over 2 years after one of my twins was stillborn, but I still can't cope with it. I PMed to explain, they were understanding and that was that. My grief outweighs the friendship right now.

Bringmesunshine thank you for not making me feel an ogre! I'm not even angry at all, just upset that we can't seem to be friends at the moment.

You sound like a really good friend to have to be able to be happy for others after having such a rough ride yourself and it's a shame your friend can't see that.

affected, sorry

Bobyan, who in their right mind would say that??

"My friend is young has other kids and so hopefully she'll be able to have more."

You said it on here!

Lots of people say it.

When did I say "it's ok"? You are adding your words. I was merely giving some information. You really need to just read what's posted.

I'm sure that the op has never meant to hurt her friend just as her friend probably hasn't wanted to hurt her. However your friend has suffered a bereavement and that can make people act very strangely. After my first miscarriage people acted very self conciously around me, not talking about their pregnancies while I was around, not contacting me about our regular meet ups and so on, even though I tried my best to act as normal with them.

However I found their attitude incredibly hurtful to the extent that I hid my subsequent pregnancies (which all ended in miscarriages). We are all still great friends but they still don't know about the miscarriages.

The clude to your firned's behaviour probably lies in your first post where your pregnancy was 'like the elephant in the room with it mentioned by friends in whispers when she's not in the room or not at all, That sums up how my friends dealt with it. You can be sure that your own friend is very aware of the 'elephant'.

maybe you are a pregnancy bore and its nowt to do with the miscarriage, just cba to hear you wittering on about it :)

I would give it time. When you are TTC unsuccessfully or (i assume) suffering MCs, you can go through really sensitive times and at other times have a lot clearer perspective. Some people cope better than others. I was also determined to celebrate friends pregnancies and stay friends but sometimes I just had to hide away for a bit until I got my head around the news.

I don't think many people would want their PG friends to be tiptoeing around them and getting stressed about it. Don't read too much into FB and try talking IRL to keep in touch.

Again crystalglasses has said it far more articulately than I can.

I th

OffMeTrolley, maybe so! But given she's never heard me or anyone else mention it I'd say not!

And crystalglasses, I know my and her other friends are trying to encourage her to do things when I'm not there so it is easier for her. So if anything I'm a bit sidelined which is fine because she needs it more.

Fossil 97 that's good advice. Thank you :)

I think my point your missing OP is that your friends mc will always be a huge thing for her, regardless of how many children she has had or will have. It's almost as if you can't accept her behaviour or accept that maybe you and your friends could have been a bit more tactful. Text messages and talk when she leaves the room aren't particulary sensitive..

I went a little bit crazy when I was dealing with miscarriage and infertility. I stopped speaking to certain people and even refused to visit my in-laws for 3 YEARS as I felt they had been insensitive to me and also my SIL had had a baby the same time I was due.
I now have 3 DC's and wish I could take back some of these things. I didn't know how things would pan out though.
I was in such emotional pain I became self-centred and my only objective was self-preservation.
Give your mate a break. She is probably in severe pain. I bet when your baby is born all will be OK. Having a baby will heal her so hopefully she will be pg again soon.

I'm not sure as after I lost my 4 babies (2 in 1st 12 weeks, 2 after 20 weeks) I couldn't bear to be with pregnant women/friends or chat about pregnancies. Particularly with my later losses. I also once told a friend I had lost DD at 6 months pregnant and she said 'oh, by the way i am pregnant..' and chatted about that! I am not friends with her now as tat was unforgivable. Yet other friends who were lovely and understanding are still good friends and i was OK congratulating them etc (I may have had a good cry at home). It is not possible sometimes to be around pregnant people, it is really really painful and reminds you of your loss while also making you feel a complete failure. Not everyone is like this; I wasn't every time for long periods and some people are fine with babies-you just don't know till you go through it.

I have been on the other side too. I was pregnant and friend had just miscarried. I was careful not to tell her right away and didn't 'rub it in her face'. I also didn't avoid it (sounds like you may have done this as you said ' my pregnancy has been like the elephant in the room with it mentioned by friends in whispers when she's not in the room or not at all ' she may have picked up on that and feel a freakshow).

It is possible the fb updates are too hard for her. It was hard for me hearing people just talk about pregnancy so relaxed etc when i knew it could end in tragedy.

I would try not to take offense and if you are nice and understanding I am sure eventually she will be able to be around your baby etc.

'But never did I feel resentful towards friends and family who were pg.'

Studies show many women are, especially after later losses. Why should we put them down for reacting in certain ways after horrific painful losses.

Comparing it to a mother dying is not realistic. Losing a child is the worst loss.

I'm sure that once she is pregnant again (god willing)and it goes without mishap, everything will be ok again between you both.

And Medi1982 - you do sound as if you're a good friend, otherwise you wouldn't feel hurt yourself.

Op you are getting a really shoddy time here. You simply stated facts and just remember that she was wrong to do what she did and not much of a friend at all. It is perfectly understandable to retreat when we are faced with loss etc but to delete friends like that is not nice.

It's about her not you.

I have spent about 2 hours crying today, sobbing on the bathroom floor, and then in the bed. Got snot over DH's shirt when he found me and came to comfort me.

The trigger is that a gf of a man who he works with, neither of whom I have met is pg.

And most women who are desperate to be a mother would tell you the same.

Enjoy your pg and concentrate on people who are your friend.

Thanks. I think what this (my first, last and only experiment with mumsnet) is going to illustrate is that there is no right or wrong way to act or feel in this situation. I feel sad for her and our friendship but nothing I can say or do is going to change things for her massively and equally I shouldn't let it take away from my happiness although it's hard when someone close is in pain and you feel like you are making it worse whatever you do.

I'm certainly not angry with her and I've not told anyone (barring my partner) how I feel because I don't want it to get back to her and make her feel worse. I was just trying to get some understanding.